Can I Really Never Masturbate Again?

Posted by

Masturbation is such an awkward topic, an even more awkward sounding word. Maybe the worst ever invented. I can’t think of a worse one. Vagina, maybe? Or moist?

I digress.

Masturbation was never brought up in my upbringing; I stumbled into it as a curious 11-year-old boy with his very own attic bedroom and a lot of time on his hands. Since first discovering the act, I’ve experienced stretches where I masturbate “every now and then” and also every single day.

For the last two decades, masturbation has been my solitary way of coping with a sex drive and secrets and deep-seeded inferiorities and fears of connection with other men.

Until lately, that is.

I recently acquired my one-month sobriety token from Sexaholics Anonymous. Some weeks I have forced myself to attend these recovery meetings, but other weeks I have actually wanted to go and even enjoyed myself. It’s been helpful, these weekly reality checks where I remember: oh, right, I have lust problems.

I fantasize.

I eroticize.

I become someone I don’t recognize.

I’m not the little mister perfect everyone thinks I am.

I force myself to speak up at least once every meeting, if not more often, depending on the relevancy of that week’s topic. The guys there are great. I don’t necessarily sense or expect any lifelong friendships budding, but they are a solid group of men, young and old, mostly married, all of us wanting to conquer the addictive lust in our lives.

I still haven’t revealed the slight matter of my same-sex attraction to the group — only “lust” and “illicit web chatting” and “masturbation” in generalized terms. And I don’t know that I ever will reveal that tidbit, honestly; it feels good just to be one of the guys for once.

No differentiation.

No “their struggle” versus “my struggle.”

No “them” versus “me.”

Only us — men.

Sexaholics Anonymous preaches against sex with someone outside your marriage partner, an easy enough task for me, only that also includes what SA describes as “sex with self” — otherwise known as masturbation.

I’ve never heard masturbation described that way, and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the description. Nonetheless, I’ve been convicted.

In order to (honorably) pursue recovery with Sexaholics Anonymous, I can’t act out in any way — including my favorite way of acting out since puberty.

I’ll be blunt and painfully honest now with everyone reading, male and female, family member and close friend and passing acquaintance and total stranger alike: writing this post sucks. Talking about my masturbation habits is probably the thing I’d least ever want to do (maybe other than watch Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel).

But the opposite of addiction is connection.

And we’re only as sick as our secrets.

And I don’t want to be sick anymore.

For almost two decades, I’ve been addicted to masturbation. I’ve relied on it to go to sleep, like a drug, and I’ve used it to open doors to fantasy worlds that leave me high one moment and still very much isolated amid the real world the next.

I’ve also been freely void of masturbation’s pull for other long stretches. And you know what?

I’ve noticed that I’m a far healthier person when I don’t masturbate.

My sex drive doesn’t magically disappear when I don’t do it, but I do find other outlets for all this pent-up energy and emotion.

I connect with people more. I hang out. I talk. Really talk. I hug people. I write. I run and work out and flood my endorphins in sunshine. I read and watch and listen to inspiring things. I eat well, I travel, and I drink coffee.

I live. I don’t hide. Alone in a room with my twisted male fantasies.

I’ve now gone over a month without masturbating, and it’s been so great. There have been a couple touch-and-go moments where I thought my streak might end, but on the whole, my life feels more focused and free without my regular trips to Fantasy Land.

And so as I continue down this journey of recovery with Sexaholics Anonymous, I wonder:

Can I really never masturbate again for the rest of my life? Wouldn’t that make me happier?

I’ll admit, the mere thought of never again pleasuring myself that way . . . is difficult. Impossible, even.

Since being that timid 11-year-old with an affinity for fantasy and solitude, I’ve settled for masturbation amid the raging waters of my same-sex lust and male disconnect.

I’ve never been with another man, and I have often rationalized these solitary sex-crazed fantasies over pursuing any sex-crazed realities.

In one sense, yes, I suppose “sex with self” is “better” than sex with another human outside marriage — male or female. If ever I or anyone faced a paralyzing choice between the two, of course the former has less consequences.

And yet this constant rationalizing of sexual outlets has never led to my ultimate good. I’ve had countless slip-ups with pornography, web chatting, fantasy, and obsession — and masturbation has always been the first pop in this eventual bursting of my sexual bubble.

Surely, there must be another outlet.

Last week, our other brother Kevin mused about the sinfulness of masturbation, and while I don’t necessarily disagree with his assertion that masturbation is not a sin, I also cannot in good conscience or spirit pursue the act myself without the associated lust, guilt, shame, isolation, and raging obsession.

Addiction.

After all, I am in recovery now. And like the alcoholic with a single beer or a drug addict with a single joint, I cannot expect to masturbate “every now and then” and hope to beat this addiction.

Therein lies my resolve to regularly attend Sexaholics Anonymous, among hopefully other support and community groups, especially men’s ones, not fighting this fight alone anymore.

Once upon a time I learned to be vulnerable with people, online and offline, and I want to reinstate this old familiar walk back into my story.

I don’t want to settle between choosing the “lesser sin” anymore. Between a sex fantasy with myself or sex fantasies lived out with others, online or in living color.

I want to be real about my struggle again. I want to stay connected, not addicted, and live freer.

I recently received my one-month sobriety chip from SA — meaning no illicit web chatting, pornography, and, yes, even masturbation. There were claps and cheers and hugs from the other guys in that room as I stepped up to receive my chip, and gosh it felt so good.

Affirming.

Is chasing chips and claps a selfish/silly ambition? To some degree, sure.

But when the chips are distributed, SA is very clear: these shiny little circles don’t cure us. We’re not healed by the power of this colored plastic.

But it helps to reach into my pocket on a daily basis and first feel the 24-hour chip, and then the 1-month chip beside it, tangibly reminding me of something greater than chips and consecutive days crossed off a calendar.

This journey of recovery is all about following Jesus. Of finding rest and comfort and purpose and joy in Him and in communing with His people rather than isolating myself behind a door and a screen and some wild fantasy world that will never satisfy.

I can’t promise I’ll never masturbate again; that’s a hard promise to keep. But like my brother Kevin also wrote of this messy topic: the Christian life is all about loving others and escaping the spiraling, idolatrous circle of me.

I think we can all agree: that’s a lifetime ambition worth fighting for.

Without delving into unnecessary specifics, are you able to masturbate without lusting, or has masturbation also been the first pop in a series of lustful, fantasy-driven bubble-bursts? Does the thought of never masturbating again also feel “impossible” to you, despite the freedom and health it might bring?

Enjoy our content? Consider supporting YOB!
  • Dean Samuels

    Love this, love you- so proud of you, brother.

  • Jim Roberts

    This is – me. I was in SA about five years ago – got my 1 month chip and later had a span of 100 days clean (but didn’t make it to a meeting in time to get a chip), but after that “crash and burn” and mostly binge. I’m in an SAA “group therapy” Skype group now
    – my final attempt at a 12-step.

    For me, 99.9% of the time MB includes my “nasty” fantasies (no details) and leads to the chat/cam rooms (if I’m not already there). It does indeed seem “impossible” to quit as “connection” and emotional intimate relationships appear futile in my case. Sobriety means celibacy for me, a tough thought. But I am giving recovery one more try.

    • bluzhawk

      Hey Jim, good on you for not giving up. You’re not alone. For all the failures on this walk with God, not going on with him anymore may be the greatest and most fatal. Never give up. Let your heart be there. God can work with that.

    • Good to hear that you’re giving support groups / community / recovery another go. I’d encourage you not to put all your chips on this one thing, though. I’ve found it helpful to diversify my support systems. My ultimate goal is to have this SA support group, a church group (ideally a men’s one), in addition to all my other friendships where I can be open and vulnerable on an individual basis. Prayers for your journey, Jim. Keep us posted.

      • Jim Roberts

        Thanks Tom. Yes, agree with not having all ones support eggs in one basket! I struggle with step one. I know I am powerless – but I am rather OCD about managing my life. We are working this step now. Using a book by patrick carnes : a gentle path through the 12 steps. Take care.

  • bluzhawk

    Congrats Tom on reaching your milestone…hope you have many more.

    “I’ve noticed that I’m a far healthier person when I don’t masturbate… I live.”
    It’s not masturbation that’s crushing me, masturbation just completes the circle. It’s lust that’s screwing with my life and conscience and my walk with God. I’ve noticed I’m a far healthier person when I don’t lust, or at least fight it and don’t give in to it. There was a time I used to masturbate just for pleasure and it would lead into lust. Now masturbation is just the sign that I’ve already lost the battle, and pleasure isn’t the point. In the battle for a pure heart, masturbation isn’t the main enemy.
    When I’ve lost the battle, it’s only grace that keeps me, and keeps me going, and Jesus’ blood that cleanses my conscience. I don’t think masturbation is the evil thing church makes it out to be, but I’ve never been able to masturbate with a pure heart.

    • Indeed, lust is the crusher. It can manifest in many ways, and we need to root it out daily. I’m finally starting to see the basic ways it must go. And openness, honesty, connection — this is where I’m restarting. Good stuff, bluhawk.

      • bluzhawk

        Hey Tom, here’s my vote for you to write more about ways you’re dealing with lust. The things you mention – openness, honesty and connection – they help dispel the secrecy and shame but I find I’m still left with the lust. Success for me, the times I’ve had it, is only battling it well, but I’ve never been able to root it out.

        btw, meant to mention this in my earlier comment, I’m not sure if you wrote this or Kevin, but this: “the Christian life is all about loving others and escaping the spiraling, idolatrous circle of me. I think we can all agree: that’s a lifetime ambition worth fighting for.” YES, a big fat YESSS!!!!

  • mike

    “I live. I don’t hide. Alone in a room with my twisted male fantasies”. Love this! So good Tom :). Proud to talk to you.
    For me, self sex always was lustful resulting in the double jeopardy: the guilt of lust + the sad reality of my aloneness.
    Some say masturbation and eating a doughnut are the same thing. In excess both are bad, but with self control both can be enjoyed. The reality however is not like that. Eating a doughnut with a friend is intensely fun; not so much by myself. So, I much prefer eating a doughnut with my friend. To live is to connect, to share, and to end aloneness. And that’s why Jesus came to show us.
    Jesus said in John 16:32 “Yet I am not alone for the Father is with me”. I never could stop masturbating until I understood that. Always, even in the dark night God is with me. I don’t have to pleasure myself with self sex. I can rather enjoy and connect to God who ends my aloneness and more He gives me new desires to connect with others and experience real life which is far better. When I was a child I was alone (understatement), but now I’ve grown up and put away childish things and I am far happier and NOT alone anymore :).

    • bluzhawk

      Great points Mike. I’m with you on everything except eating doughnuts being better with someone else. When I’m on my own, I have no problem scarfing down the glazed double chocolate fudge-filled one, but I’m more modest when I’m with others, the granola doughnut with sunflower seeds. Yeah, that’s on me. Enjoyed your post brother.

      • mike

        Oh, “glazed chocolate fudge-filled one” yikes bro you have good taste. Hey, I’ll share that one with you :)!

    • I’d rather eat a donut alone, honestly. Or several. Several large flaky sugary donuts. For breakfast. Yes.

      In all seriousness though, these are great thoughts, Mike. I love the “childish things” reference. Mayhaps masturbation is my childish thing I leave behind at long last?

      • mike

        The “childish things” Tom I stole from 1 Corinth. 13:11. Paul is my hero! Can’t wait to give him a big hug when I get to the other side. Paul’s words really woke me up. I started self sex at 13. Literally a physical lonely child. As an adult now both physically and spiritually I needed to mature and do things different. I took Paul’s admonition seriously of finding a wife to deal with burning passion. And it’s wonderful! Tom there is hope brother. I pray Jesus for renewed hope for Tom and supernatural strength to help him to persevere and move forward. Bless him Lord with your tender mercy and grace because I want to hear and be encouraged too by all Jesus you will accomplish for him. Amen.

  • Brian

    I’ve tied stopping masturbation sooooo many times but it is so hard. It seems like if I have any long stretch of not masturbating that one bad day will come along and ruin everything and I slip back into relentless masturbation.

    • I hear you, Brian. Those bad days come when you least expect them, and that’s where a strong support system goes a long way. I pray you have/find such a network of men in your life. Makes such a difference.

  • mistaken identity

    Congratulations Tom! Continue to find rest and comfort in Him and share the good gifts He has given you. But please stop disrespecting my chipmunks and some of my favorite words (where is a winking emoticon when you need it?) I can answer you first question with a confident, “Yes!” The following thought does not seem impossible because I am in a healthy marriage now and don’t need to be a handyman. That was not always true in our marriage though. Masturbation was an issue in our marriage, but it was not the sin that was obstructing our union. My sin was my lack of courage in confronting gatekeeping. When i did that, the need for masturbation was gone. It is funny how our minds work at times. I never once felt shame or guilt for my cowardice or lack of transparency, but I did at times feel bad about masturbating. One of the evil one’s favorite tactics is to get us all hot and bothered about lesser battles while we ignore the main skirmish. I left my high ground at Gettsyburg undefended for years. It is good to see that you continue to fight your primary battle of isolation, Tom.

    • bluzhawk

      Courage, chipmunks, handyman & Gettysburg. . . still not sure how you got that all in a short post.

    • What an awesome testimony, MI. Thanks for sharing here. It’s encouraging to see someone further along triumphing as you seem to have done. And sorry to besmirch your beloved rodents; I just can’t deal with the voices, animation, concept, everything basically.

  • naturgesetz

    You’ve been so honest that I’ll be honest with you. I have never masturbated in the sense of doing something with the conscious intent of bringing myself to ejaculate. But when I was in my teens I would sometimes do a sort of striptease in my bedroom which sometimes produced that result. More recently, with the internet, I’ll occasionally start looking for pictures or videos of naked men, one leads to another, and sometimes, after hours of viewing, I suddenly ejaculate. Other times, after hours of viewing, I get hungry or sleepy and just leave the computer. So I don’t think it’s exactly masturbation, since I’m never actually seeking even arousal, much less “release.” But certainly there is lust, and surely there is a sinful waste of time. It does seem that of late, I have been led to occupy my time in other ways, but I’m aware that there is always a danger that when I have time on my hands, I’ll end up wasting it on sinful pursuits. There is a complicating factor. I believe that there can be a legitimate admiration of physical, even nude, beauty. So I don’t deal in an absolute that says i must never view a video with a naked man in it. It’s a matter of avoiding lust in my viewing.

    So, I want to assure you that, one day at a time, you can indeed never masturbate again. And you don’t need to fall into my risky behaviors either. You can do all things necessary in him who strengthens you.

    • One day at a time, indeed. Thanks for sharing some of your struggle, N. Definitely not alone there.

  • Ashley Lavergne

    I know it may be odd to think but that was me for years. From the age of 6 to 22. I barely ever went more than a couple of months. Now I’ve been able to go on 2 to 3 year stretches. I’d never heard of any one else who it helped get to sleep. It had nothing to do with my SSA or very little. It’s a long lonely road. I hated myself for years. I felt undeserving of anything. I had to dig deep to find my triggers and what not and be very honest with myself. As the saying goes, it gets better.
    And to answer the question given my case it’s usually the beginning of a horrible slippery slope. May start out without lustful thoughts and more innocent than you ever thought masterbation could be, but that never really lasted long

    • Thanks for being so bold with your sharing, Ashley. So glad to have you here with us boyz. You inspire me!

      • Ashley Lavergne

        Thanks. I have 6 blood brothers myself so I like hanging around guys and learning from all of y’all. Your boldness also inspires me. Thanks for sharing

  • melancollie

    I didn’t quite agree with Kevin’s stance on the sinfulness of it, but I guess that’s because I’ve never been able to m…(I hate that word!) without thinking incredibly lustful and sinful thoughts. I don’t see how the two could be separated, but I’m a woman, so maybe men are different. Or maybe it’s the motive behind it all. Just like with food- if I’m eating that whole gallon of ice cream because I’m hungry, then it’s fine. But if I’m eating it because I want something to control and I want what it’ll give me in terms of stress relief or whatever, then it’s an idol and a sin.

    With the m…let’s just call it “self serve sex”…all I needed to convict me was the fact that I imagined Jesus sitting right there next to me, and I knew without a doubt that what I was doing was grieving Him. The worst thing was I had crazy hormones during my pregnancies that made me crave sex more than my husband was willing to partake, so I justified the behavior by blaming it on that. I’m not sure how much you know about spiritual warfare, but the habit really becomes a spirit of lust the more that you partake in it, to where it just hangs over you day to day, sending all kinds of suggestions to your brain. And worse was the thought that I was inviting that spirit into our home and letting it sit among my children…it had me so locked up in shame and so distant from God that I got desperate. I finally found freedom from it a year and a half ago by going through “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore (The study is written more for women but it is SO GOOD and totally Biblical). God worked though that study and finally showed me how I can trust Him fully with my sexual life and that I don’t have to be ashamed. I actually pray through sex with my husband (I was molested as a child) and He makes our bond so much better. The desire is TOTALLY gone. I have to guard my heart against seeing or reading anything suggestive like those bodice ripper books but as long as I’ve clung to my Savior, He has been more than worth the sacrifice.

  • Kevin Frye

    “Vagina” is definitely more awkward than “masturbation”. I don’t see why “moist” bothers so many people, though.

    The longest I’ve gone without masturbating was six weeks, and if I remember correctly, I did that twice. And then I started masturbating more again and didn’t see a reason to stop. To answer your question, I can I masturbate without lusting, without fantasizing, and without porn or other outside stimuli. But I also recognize that not everyone can. This is a gray area and each person needs to make their own decision about it, seeking God for direction and doing what’s best, not just what feels good.

    I’m really happy for you, Tom. You’re doing something that I think more people should learn how to do — take control of themselves. What I love just as much is that you’re talking about it here and going to S.A. I hope more guys look to you for hope, encouragement, and guidance as they work out their own salvation with fear and trembling…. and raging hormones. You’re setting a good example. Keep talking about it. 🙂

    • mike

      Some of us Kevin perspire easily. Too easily especially when we are stressed. We grow to hate the word moist. Thanks for sharing personally :). Can I ask how you have reconciled your times of masturbation with being in God’s Presence. Do you include/exclude Him from those times. A crazy question, but that was the hardest for me — deciding where is my Friend God in those times when me is having a me time!

    • Appreciate the support, Kevin! I think I said it in your own “m-word” post, but I value your perspective on this issue and presence here with YOB. Keep talking about all the hard stuff as well, and I’ll try to keep up!

  • Mark Buzard

    You’re a brave man for daring to talk about the “m-word”. 🙂

    I discovered masturbation around the age of 13 all on my own. Soon I needed something to get off to, so I started getting the romance novels out of the library with the shirtless guys on and full of rather graphic sex scenes…always focusing on the guy. For years, that was all I had, though I found a few books that had gay sex scenes in. Then at age 21, I discovered gay porn – I didn’t know it even existed, I was that naive. Since then, I have never masturbated without it, and I don’t think I could. The two go hand in hand for me, and in the past I’d try to do it without, break down and buy some, then next thing I’d be hooking up with guys for sex…. and still masturbating. It has always been a progression until the last couple of years. God has delivered me from the hooking up, and though I have caved to lust and porn and masturbation since, I have barely been tempted to hook up.

    For me, it is an addiction. I can’t count the number of times I’d hook up with a guy for sex, and though he got off.. I didn’t, so I’d get off on my own later.

    I am currently reading Wild At Heart by John Eldridge, and he addresses the issue. I can’t remember if he said it or was quoting someone, but he said masturbation is a weakness, and to be a man we must conquer it and not give in, for it makes us weak. I don’t know if he is right or not, but I do know in my life it has controlled me and always led to porn, and before the last couple of years; sex.

    • mistaken identity

      Thanks for sharing about the deliverance from hooking up, Mark. God is good!

    • Yes, thank you Mark for sharing so boldly. I feel you on the addiction. It takes over me, and I can’t ever separate the sheer lust from physicality alone. A devilish pairing.

      I’ll have to re-read Wild At Heart one day. I first read it many years ago, long before any of “this” happened (the blog, my book, these brothers in my life, etc.). It’d be interesting to digest it with new eyes and perspectives.

  • Jackson

    Congratulations on your one month chip Tom! Know that you have a whole online group rooting for your continued sobriety. I think one measure of whether something is “mastering” us is our ability to give up whatever it is for a time. To your question, I am able to masturbate without lusting; however, I’m reminded of my propensity towards addiction.

    It can be a non-bad thing like getting addicted to exercising (specifically playing volleyball and basketball) or to spending time singing and worshipping God out in nature (which is so nice to do in the summer months under the stars – “We’re singing You are Holy, you’re great and mighty, the moon and the stars, declare who you are…” – sorry, I had a moment… Anyway…) But it can also be bad: compulsive masturbation or even just eating the same meal at a fast food restaurant every Tuesday around noon (literally the same EXACT meal … It’s just so gooooood though!!!).

    All that is to say, for me, masturbating opens the door to a well known destination – addiction, where there is no moderation for me. Knowing the intensity of the draw to the things I’m already addicted to, my goal is to keep masturbation from resurfacing on that list.

    Thank you all for sharing about this topic. I love the transparency and support found here!

    • Thanks Jackson! I resonate with everything you mentioned here, even though I’m unable to masturbate without the associated lust. That propensity toward addiction, though. Ugh. I feel that. Glad you resonate with our transparency here and aren’t repelled by it. That’s encouraging.

  • Alan Gingery

    God how I love the honesty that you guys at YOB have as you write these blogs. You give new meaning to the word “transparent”.

    In part of my self-therapy for my SSA, I read Robert Glover’s book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about codependency, not SSA. And he is a secular psychologist, not a Christian. Nevertheless his book is well worth the read. He has a chapter on healthy masturbation and gives specific guidelines (no porn, no fantasy, not in response to visual triggers of lust, etc.) which he thinks are “unhealthy” for psychology and emotional reasons completely unrelated to morality or religion.

    My homework was to masturbate in a healthy way to understand what pleases me sexually and to lose the whole idea that sex is somehow shameful or dirty, which is a false message we often get from society or religion. It takes a good deal of effort not to “replay” porn images, or fantasy, etc. during masturbation, but it is not impossible either. Honestly, this homework was powerful to me, especially to consider that I always associated masturbation with sin, guilt and shame. In reality the sin, guilt and shame is connected to the lust aspect and I agree with that these things: porn, chat rooms, sexting, oogling others, voyerism, etc. are lust and sin. But, like sex itself, I think self sex (masturbation) is neutral. It can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. I realize this is controversial, but say it anyway. Robert Glover challenged me to see this differently and I had to process it for myself, reexamining things I had been taught directly or indirectly about sex.

    Every Christian man is on a journey and must decide for himself what to do. What I decide may be ok for me, not another.

    By the way, Tom, congrats on your one-month pin. Keep up the good work. I am working on my porn recovery. Yeah, I’m a sex addict too. But I want to be a sex addict in “recovery” and not a sex addict in “addiction”.

    • A sex addict in recovery. I like that. Such a key distinction. Grateful for your constant support and feedback, Alan!

  • Kevin Zimmerman

    This has reminded me of my consideration of going to SA from your first blog about it. But with a move coming at the end of summer, that may wait. Thanks for continuing to share openly with us.
    I think there have been times that I’ve been able to masturbate without lusting… but it’s definitely the exception for me. One thing that has helped me is living in intentional community. They don’t all know all of my struggles – with masturbation or SSA – but just living with 7 other people keeps me in line most of the time,
    And yes, it does seem somewhat impossible, but from my longer streaks and hearing other’s stories, apparently that may not be as impossible as I think.

    • Thanks for your feedback, Kevin. I do recommend SA as a starting point if you don’t have regular accountability in your life. I’m still on the fence with SA for the long-term, but it’s definitely filling a void and need in my life right now. It’s refreshing to be able to even say the word “masturbation” out loud without fear of condemnation or awkward side glance. So freeing.

      And I agree about being in community. I also find it less appealing to masturbate or watch porn or do anything lustful, really, when I’m in healthy male community.

      • WaveDave

        amen…this community is so healing and helpful to me…I am thankful we can openly share about things like masturbation without fear of condemnation or rejection. The Lord has done many things in my life, but my masturbation habits have been a tough one, quite frankly.

  • Bryon

    I’m binge reading tonight on the heels of some disappointments. It is helping to fill the void that masturbation once filled a few weeks ago. Also, I’m so happy that you have this success. I hear it gets easier after 30 days.
    I was “chaste” for about 2 weeks and it was really because I had surgery and couldn’t. I realized after about a week though that I never even thought about not being able to, and I didn’t think about it or miss it. I’m taking a Human Sexuality class for my master’s degree and it was talking about masturbation ad nauseam, complete with real photographs of people doing it. That ended my streak, BUT, no porn and I didn’t fantasize about anyone I knew. On top of that, I found the idea of women to be more interesting than men. While I wasn’t completely free from fantasy, I was not imagining porn I saw in the past. I hope that wasn’t too graphic. I just shared that because I too thought the idea of never masturbating again was ridiculous, and seeing your title a while back reminded me of it. Now, I think that is very possible. I’m not sure what changed, but masturbation sincerely doesn’t have the same allure as it once did.
    On a side note, I don’t ever crave pornography, even though I used it when I masturbated. In relation to your talking about how it is a lesser evil, I have thought that too and I used it as an excuse. What I remind myself of now is that if I really do want to have a successful relationship with a woman, Porn and masturbation are habits that will make that more difficult, especially if I prefer to have sex with myself. It certainly stunts my desire to seek physical connection with a real woman, regardless if I’m looking at gay porn or not.

    • Glad we can be here to help fill that void, Bryon. Grateful, as always, for your thoughtful contributions!

  • Pingback: My Last Wet Dream • Your Other Brothers()

  • Christian

    I masturbated constantly for 12 years, and always felt guilty about it. I realized one day that maybe I enjoyed money more than masturbating so wrote a buddy a $100 check and told him to cash and keep it if I masturbated in the next month. I ended up going 6 months! Crazy. For me that one trick worked. I didn’t fix my lustful heart but at least it was a strong enough deterrent to break a habit. I lost the hundred bucks after I broke my streak, but at least I proved to myself I could do it. Now I’m married and I feel like the whole issue is different now. Is there a yob discussion somewhere about masturbation for the single man vs the married man?

    • I’ve heard of similar money deals to stop from doing certain things. It’s an intriguing concept, if only to see what really motivates us. Thanks for sharing that personal story, Christian.

      Kevin has written here and there about masturbation as a married guy if you wanna check out his posts.

    • Kevin Frye

      Christian, I plan to write something about masturbation for the married man one day in the near future. Hang tight!

  • Edward Borges-Silva

    An extremely frank and honest assessment by someone looking at himself squarely in the mirror. Without offering details of my own, I can simply say that I empathize with the author in a number of respects. I am encouraged and can offer encouragement to him in that regard. It is indeed painful and difficult to publically reveal the innermost secrets of one’s life in a public forum, that takes courage. It is a graphic tale, but not prurient, because it is not expressed in a spirit of dark indulgence, and a forum like this is the appropriate plus to share it, and thus functions to edify the reader . Personally, I long for the day when I am free from the present travail of both the mind and body regarding a whole host of carnal responses that extend far beyond the question of sexuality.

    • Thanks for your kind words, Edward. Glad we can encourage each other. You’re among brothers here. Prayers for today.

      • Edward Borges-Silva

        My thanks in return.

  • Kyle Andrews

    I know I am late on this post, but I have recently discovered this site. First off, THANK YOU. Knowing I am not alone in this struggle has with inspired and challenged me.

    Masturbation. I didn’t even know that word until I had already been doing the task for several years. I had a pretty rough child hood and for a while, I was being raised by my lesbian aunt. My view on women was skewed and my longing for a father led me to sexualize and fantasize about men. I have barely begun to discover this through counseling. For a while, I just figured I was born that way. I radically accepted Jesus when I was a teenager and that changed my entire life and identity… but I still struggled. I am going into my senior year of Bible College and I am still struggling. I have barely begun to realize how addicted I am. While my brother fell into substance abuse to treat his wounds from our rough upbringing, I was self-medicating with masturbation, fantasy and pornography. I thought I was better off and now I realize I am no different. It is so hard to stop. I realize that I am doing the deed to feel better. To go to sleep. To ignore the reality of my brokenness for a few minutes of pleasure. I want a family. I want to be in ministry. I want the Lord to use me. But I feel worthless and powerless. It’s a battle.

    • mistaken identity

      I hope this place strengthens you in the battle, Kyle. It sounds like you have much self-awareness and healthy desires.

    • Like you, Kyle, I also didn’t know the word “masturbation” well until my established practice of it. How odd: to do something for months and years and not even know what it’s called. I also feel you on the self-medication front. I can’t fix anything for you, but I can affirm that you’re far from alone. I’m glad you’re here with us, brother.