This post is going to be another story from my crazy wild hookup days. What, again? Yes, again! So, if this kind of subject matter has the potential to trigger you and you have forgotten about my previous warnings, here’s a little reminder: DO NOT READ THIS POST! Let’s start, shall we?
As of now, I’ve had so many hookups and partners to where I’ve lost count! Okay, maybe that’s a lie. I’d say I’ve had around 20 hookup partners — some different, some the same.
While I was in my “prime” and going crazy having sex with a bunch of guys, I was let go from my work. I’d been working as a janitor and loved it!
Side note: I love cleaning, and I would say cleaning is one of my hobbies. I worked independently, so my bosses didn’t ever check up on me. There was no need to, because I was pretty good at keeping up with the work.
So my work laid me off, mostly due to the U.S. recession, and there were a lot of people affected by the job crisis, including me. Though the company I’d been working for had made a bogus excuse to let me go, they wouldn’t feel sorry for terminating me.
I was suddenly jobless, and somehow I needed to figure out how to pay my portion of the rent at my apartment complex. Thankfully, my schooling wasn’t affected because my scholarships were helping me pay for tuition.
While going to school, I was also job-searching, mostly to help make ends meet on my part. I was living with family, and they had money coming in for their scholarships too, so they had no problem. Myself, I was screwed!
And yes, I just made a pun.
I had the responsibility to pay the electricity bill and my family’s TV bill. I’d been the only one with a job, so all the responsibility was laid on me.
Job search after job search, no one would hire me. Each company I applied for was only hiring temporarily, or they were looking for a specific person because they couldn’t afford paying many people. Again, this was back in a time when the recession had hit hard.
It was very hard to keep up with my finances and help out my family.
My mind started focusing on school, sex, and going to “church.” For a while, it was good to keep my mind off finances and replace it with church and school — but that would only last for a little bit until the worry and anxiety came in, and I would freak over how to get money to make ends meet.
The reality would set in that I was jobless and money-less, and there was nothing I could do about it. And so while searching for guys to hook up with, I noticed an ad saying: “Looking For Generous Guy.”
“Generous guy.” I never heard that term before, so I responded asking what it meant. That person replied back saying it was another way of describing someone who had money — basically, asking for money in exchange of sex.
In addition to “generous,” people would also use the phrases “escorting” and “sugar daddy,” and it was all basically prostitution. By this time, I was desperate for money, and I did really love having sex! So, I made an ad asking if anyone was “generous.” But of course, I also had to specify what type of person I was interested in.
Was I scared? Oh yeah I was! But I did it anyway.
Once I made that ad, I got so many replies, but I had to choose only one. Thus I became familiar with looking for “generous” guys whenever I was desperate for money.
Basically, I became a slut and a prostitute, but I didn’t care. Over time, my desperation for money turned into greed, and I wanted more! Since my thirst for sex and money became greater, I turned many guys into objects or meat, and I didn’t care about getting to know them.
If guys had what I was looking for, I didn’t even bother getting their names.
I empathize with those who are in this situation right now.
As time passed, that feeling of guilt finally settled in me, and asking for “generous” guys was the first to go.
It wasn’t fast, but it was getting there.
The guys I hit up would always want to get into a relationship with me, and that was a huge no-no! After a while, my conscience got the best of me, and I wasn’t interested in any of the guys’ money. Eventually, I stopped. But the whole hookup scene was still there.
Fast-forward to now: I am not jobless anymore, I have a good paying job, and I love it! The day I decided to stop asking for “generous” guys, I had to slowly learn how to depend on God with my finances and job search.
Was it hard?
Yes, it was; but in the end, God made ends meet.
To be honest, the temptation still comes around every now and then. But I know how to say no to my desires when it comes to money and sex. It was a learning experience to say the least!
Without being explicit, do you resonate with any of Matt’s story of hookup culture? Have troubled finances sent you into any spirals, lustful or otherwise?
* Photo courtesy arnoarno, Creative Commons.
About the Author
Thank you Matt for sharing a part of you with us. Does the hookup culture resonate with me? I have a somewhat cliché answer…”Sort of.” Several years back I got acquainted with some internet social groups that encouraged lustful SSA inclinations. To make a long story short, I corresponded with one of the guys in these groups and we agreed to meet in person a local restaurant. We were both thinking that this will lead to a “hooking up” relationship, but after meeting him I decided he wasn’t my type. Matt, you mentioned “The guys I hit up would always want to get into a relationship with me.” I get that. I wanted to see if I could foster a such relationship with my guy. Yet I came to the realization that I didn’t want a sexual (hookup)relationship rather a loving (platonic) relationship. Needless to say, we didn’t hookup. After our meal, we parted ways and I cut ties with him and that lustful corner of the Internet.
You’re welcome man! Haha. But dude, that’s good it ended the way it did. Hopefully you did learn something in all of that, though it did sounded like you did. At least it turned out good after all!
Yeah, I did learn (the hard way) that a loving (platonic) relationship is not going to foster from an anonymous/stranger encounter. I was being somewhat selfish, needy, foolishly optimistic that a brief acquaintance could fill the void of a loving (platonic) relationship. It would have ended like some one night stand with long term regret. Afterwards, where would I be? You know where brother. Back in the void.
I don’t want to come off sounding all “woe is me” here. You are right brother that it was “good that it ended the way that it did.” Loneliness sucks dude, but so does regret. Thanks for listening. I’m trying to play caught up with some of your earlier posts here. Peace and love brother.
Oh my Matthew, your honesty and story amazes me. I am glad to know you “virtually.”
During my gay years (ages 19-22), I hooked up with many many guys. 100+ ? But I prefers having “boyfriends” , and had three “steady” ones. While I was rather wild, there were those that were even wilder including hustlers I knew. One of them was a “sex buddy”, and often encouraged me to sell myself too “you’d make a ton of money with that piece of meat” he told me. Fortunately I was off drugs and had enough part time jobs (plus living with my well-off father at the time), that it wasn’t a necessity. So I never did it, and given it was “pre AIDS awareness”, probably saved my life.
After I left the lifestyle I have been tempted to pay for guy sex. One time at age 26 I drive to a part of downtown where I knew they hung out. This was way before the Internet. And there was a “perfect 10” guy dressed in shorts and a half shirt. Oh my – so tempted to ask him “how much.” But out of AIDS fear and my vow not to ever have gay sex again – I just drove past but he was been part of my “fantasy world” ever since.
Today of course I could find guys much more easily and not have to pay – except if I wanted my ultimate “fantasy guy”. But I was spared contracting AIDS long ago – and my fear has been that the “next time” would be the one to infect me. There is no such thing as safe sex for what I like to do. So that keeps me from doing risky things – and kind of rationalizes all the crazy online cyber fantasy stuff I do – the “ultimate safe sex”, yet I do long for actual touch.
I know the battle is spritual – and right now I am in an anger/resentment state (stage?) with God. Another guy commented that I am “coping” not really bingeing. But dang I always seem to be all alone – and God ignoring me at best (if not sitting back and enjoying me squirm). I recently read some “pre-destination” Calvinst theology – and I was like “oh my – that’s me!”. Maybe I’m just destined to be “outside” and not chosen. Kind of fits me. But obviously NOT a good place to be spiritually.
Hey Matthew, thanks for sharing more of your story. I don’t resonate at all with hookup culture, though at times I have listened to the enemy’s whisperings that I was missing out on something great. But I greatly resonate with your having to gradually learn how to depend on God for finances and a host of other things. I can be very stubborn and foolish so it is often painfully gradual. I also resonate with your empathy for those who are looking for generous guys right now. Your empathy always shines through. Continue in that and bring what you have learned to those who are still floundering. Your humility, humor, and candor really encourage them to hear your story.
Thank you for that! Yeah, learning to trust God with my finances was difficult, but it needed to be dealt with. A lesson to be learned.
This is not exactly relating to the question, but more so a question of my own.
I’m not saying this is you because I don’t hear you saying it this way but many times I’ve heard guys with stories like yours using their story saying that everyone gay man’s story is like that and that being gay or SSA or whatever means that you are innately slutty and sleeps with hundreds of men. Why do you think so many do that? I know acting upon SSA is not part of God’s will but that doesn’t mean just because you struggle with it means that we all automatically have the exact same issues and are all unstable in some way
I hear what you’re saying, Ashley. When people say “I’m gay,” there can be an automatic assumption that lots and lots of sex and hookups are happening. But that’s certainly not always the case, both inside Christianity and out. I can certainly offer a differing perspective from Matt’s hookup culture, having never experienced that myself, along with several other perspectives in this blog community. That’s why it’s so awesome to have so many voices sharing here, not only among the blog authors but the also the commenters. I love the diversity here.
Well, with the people that I’ve hooked up with or chatted with in the past, say they have this passion drive feel that leads to sex. It has awaken in their life, and they don’t know how to control it or to be self-discipline. Mostly they can’t say no to their feelings, so how a friend of mine describes it is “they listen to their dicks, and not their head.” But I do have to agree with Tom that not everyone is like this. I also know a few friends who did have sex once, then they didn’t like it, so they remained celibate. Other’s remain virgins for the rest of their lives, but still identify themselves as gay, and they aren’t Christians.
I would also throw in that it’s not terribly uncommon for straight guys to hookup with a lot of women. I think it’s more of a guy thing than a gay thing.
Thank you so much for your trust in us by your confession. I hope that it is a further healing experience for you to disclose. I am studying counseling and last week I did a powerpoint presentation I researched about prostitution. It was rather shocking, and I read some statements from people who were interviewed for some research. Although it was a country where prostitution is legal, they were all working legal and said they loved it. Here in America, those interviewed said they were working just to pay for college and would quit when they get through. I have heard the same from porn actors. Our textbook made it clear that many people are part of sex trafficking, which is not voluntary. I suppose those people are not as available for comment. Still, I see how easily it can be to find solace in making money from what “seems” so easy. I don’t think those individuals realize what it costs them until it is too late. Even if one does not get a disease (which some non-life threatening diseases are inevitable) there is a broken, cynical and weary person at the end of it all. No one really sees that far down the road.
I’m glad that guilt, rather than shame, made you come to your senses and that you are restored for our benefit as you write for this blog. Just remember though, as I would say to anyone: would you trust us to confess and repent if you slipped? I hope you would, and I hope you would give us the opportunity to receive you with grace and learn from it with you. Again, I mean this for any of the bloggers, including those who read.
[…] up with a 30-year-old man, being desperate for money and hooking up with “generous” guys, being told by my own church that I couldn’t serve or work in my own congregation because of […]
I can relate from the paying customer side. I hooked up with lots of masseurs and escorts. It was how I dealt with stress or chaos in my life. I’d hook up with a guy and feel better for 20 minutes. Being the paying customer gave me a greater sense of control and less fear of rejection or there being any expectations put on me.
I felt compassion for many of the men I hooked up with. It was plainly obvious that some of them were in desperate financial straits. You’d go to their house, apartment, or hotel and find out they had no electricity, no food in the fridge or in the cupboards. I took guys out for dinner or grocery shopping hoping to help them. In retrospect, I was probably doing more harm than good, but as crazy and screwed up as it sounds, I think I was also able to witness to some of these men in a way no one else could get to them.
[…] Should I just text back the guy and see if we can “chill”? I could get $300 from him. Do I want to go back down that road again? […]