Are SSA Christians Like Modern-Day Eunuchs?

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We don’t hear much about eunuchs in our day and age. I’d bet most people in my generation don’t even know what a eunuch is. So, to inform everyone, a eunuch is a man who’s had his testicles or his entire genitalia removed, a man employed by some high-ranking official, his castration done to ensure he doesn’t get distracted by sexual desires, instead focusing all of his energy on servitude.

While eunuchs were once common in societies of the Middle East and Asia, they have since virtually disappeared from the earth . . . or so we think.

If we take a step back and look at what a true eunuch really is, we might see that there are still millions of them all around us.

A eunuch is a man who cannot have normal, natural sexual relations and is called to servitude. The Apostle Paul says openly that he wishes more people were like him, not seeking to be married, remaining single for the purpose of serving the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:7).

Maybe Paul wasn’t necessarily advocating castration, but he did seem to support the lifestyle of a eunuch for God.

That makes me think a guy doesn’t need to have his balls chopped off in order to be like a modern-day eunuch. And to be a modern-day eunuch may not be such a bad thing.

Certainly, Jesus was aware of men in his day who were unable to have normal, natural sexual relations, whether they still had their cojones or not, and he didn’t think any less of them for it (Matthew 19:12). Actually, Jesus’ words in Matthew 19 were in response to his disciples saying that it might be better for a man not to marry. It seems Jesus agreed with them and picked out certain people for whom it was definitely true — people who could not have normal, natural sexual relations, whether they’d had their danglers knocked off or had simply renounced marriage for “the kingdom of heaven.”

Jesus didn’t condemn these people for not being able to have sex the natural way, but instead said there was an alternative lifestyle for them: singleness and celibacy.

The horror, right?! I know!

In our day, maybe not everyone wants to get married, but nobody wants to be restricted from anything that anybody else has the freedom to partake of. With everyone running around indiscriminately humping everything like a horny poodle, the idea of vowing lifelong celibacy seems laughable. Even Christians vouch for the sanctity and innate goodness of sex, often to the point of expecting everyone to enjoy it (to the glory of God, of course), unwittingly shunning people who can’t have sex or refuse to have sex because of “the kingdom of heaven.”

But the Bible makes it very clear that marriage is not a requirement of being a good Christian — that, in fact, singleness and celibacy can make that purpose a lot easier to live day-by-day.

Now, castration is not usually practiced in our modern era, but there are still a lot of people who cannot have natural sexual relations due to their sexual orientation. While I believe homosexual attractions are a curse and not a blessing, and that they can be reversed, sometimes they just don’t go away.

Sometimes, people are attracted to the same sex and nothing ever changes for them. They may be devoted to the Lord, abide in his Spirit every day, seek to serve him and honor him with every thought, word, and action, laying everything within themselves down at his throne, trusting in him for healing and redemption, and yet still be same-sex attracted for their entire lives, absolutely not attracted whatsoever to the opposite sex.

What then? Are we to believe that these individuals are living in sin, and that’s why they still have SSA? I don’t think so.

God never said it was a sin to be attracted to the same sex, or not to be attracted to the opposite sex. Our actions based on those attractions are what might be sinful, not the attractions themselves.

However, because those SSA Christians cannot have sex as God designed it — with the opposite sex within the confines of marriage — they should not seek to have sex. I believe they should live in singleness and celibacy. I know this goes against everything that our self-indulgent culture teaches us, but it is the right way.

And I know that this can destroy the hopes of many SSA Christians who wonder if they’ll ever find the companionship, the sense of belonging, the love, and the sex that come with marriage.

But there is hope. I do not believe God has us simply lose without gaining something better in return.

Many people in the Church today are trying to cope with this sense of loss by teaching how important it is for the other members of the Body of Christ to surround those who are alone, single, and celibate, welcoming them into their homes and their lives, making them like family.

That is great! I fully support that! But there is something more that God gives us.

Take this passage from Isaiah 56:3-5:

And let not any eunuch complain, ‘I am only a dry tree.’ For this is what the Lord says: ‘To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose what pleases me and hold fast to my covenant — to them I will give within my temple and its walls a memorial and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that will not be cut off.

To be a eunuch, we think, sounds like a curse. But eunuchs were chosen people, set apart from others to work directly under the king. The same is true today. Many same-sex attracted Christians, while some may never know what it is to be married or have sex, are nonetheless a chosen people, set apart to serve the King of Kings.

These SSA Christians are not without hope. They are given within the Lord’s temple a memorial and a name better than sons and daughters, better than marriage to any person, a name that will not be cut off.

This is God’s system, his design. There is a place for everyone at his table. Everyone has a role to play in his kingdom. Let’s not waste our time and energy bucking his plans for us and complaining about not being married or having sex. God has something so much better for us!

But the question is: are we willing to humble ourselves and submit to his design, even though it appears to cost us?

Yes, we can. And we will find joy in doing so!

At the very least, we can be glad that we get to keep our knackers.

What do you think about the concept of eunuchs in modern society? Do you believe you are or might be called to be a eunuch?

* Photo courtesy funky64, Creative Commons.

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  • Christian

    I wrestled with his for a long, long time. I was so afraid of being called to singleness. I didn’t want to be single. Of course it is not wrong to want to be married, but I was mixed bag of motivations. I was insecure, mostly. All my friends were doing it. It was hard to be single in the church when everyone was trying to match-make you. And worst of all I was terrified someone might suspect me of being gay. I was certainly a “persistent widow” when came to asking God for a wife. And in my case, He gave one to me.

    I don’t want to give the impression I regret getting married. I absolutely love my wife and son and am thankful for this gift of gifts. But I know I am someone who could have remained single, and i think of all the things I could have been free to do ( I had lofty plans of living off the grid in some third world country, building the Kingdom in hardest to reach places…) Things I am not as free to do with a family.

    I feel like I made a choice that I was free to make. But I wish 10 years ago someone had shown me the dignity in being a “eunuch”. I wish my church had honored singleness as the gift Paul says it is. I wish I had not been so insecure. I wish I could have understood the advantages of serving Christ as a single man.

    I hope some of your readers who are called to walk this path find the courage to do so!

    • Jerry Reiter

      Christian, I also felt there was no option when I was in Christian college. I married and stayed for 26 years until our two kids were on their own. But, after decades of Christian counseling, deliverance, prayer, bible study, going to seminary and being ordained, staying involved in the ex-gay ministries for 33 years, I finally left my wife (after finding her the perfect guy to replace me). My wife and I remained friends, the love remains. But we each have someone who can love us with their entire self. The worst pain was from my fellow Christians when my son died.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dC5aOQuNqo

    • WaveDave

      Amen, brother…thank you for sharing

  • mike

    Pro-gay revisionists speak of Jesus as never addressing homosexuals. Were there no homosexuals in Jesus day? Hebrew didn’t have a word for ‘homosexual’ back then but only words to describe homosexual acts. Clearly, gays weren’t out in public for fear of Jewish law and capital punishment for sodomy. The eunuch class was a safe place to hide for gays back then. From ‘Cyrus to Alexander: History of the Persian Empire’ by Pierre Briant documents that some eunuchs were in fact gay men.
    And so, when Jesus speaks of eunuchs in Matt. 19 he is addressing gay men and includes them to the high calling of singleness and celibacy which Jesus Himself modeled for the sake of the Kingdom of God and so Jesus includes Himself in the class of eunuchs. Amazing to me! And you know what? Acts 8:27 speaks of the first eunuch to become a follower of Jesus. His conversion story is amazing and he leaves filled with great joy!
    Jesus understands eunuchs, Himself is one, and calls them to be His brothers to join the new family of God for an end to their aloneness and rejection.
    I saw myself as an eunuch for many years. I read the Matt 19 passage as not a command by Jesus to eunuchs but a choice in my interpretation of Jesus words “The one who can accept this (singleness) should accept it”. Jesus adds that those who accept singleness and celibacy are “those whom God helps” (Matt 19:11 NLT). But what about the others “Not everyone can accept this statement,” (Matt. 19:11 NLT)? I reasoned then that God could help those find a girl and marry. It is logical and the only other option for those who cannot accept celibacy like me. It takes faith and daily trusting of God for that “help”. And God is faithful.
    Thanks Kevin for that good post :).

  • Anon

    I struggle with this. In my head, I think, “I’m married. Should I have gotten married? I am a eunuch. Our marriage is sexless because I can’t get it up. Is that wrong?”

    I had a brief time where I had walked away from God- to relieve the stress and trauma of trying to ‘become straight’ – or at least ‘stop being gay’. I pursued a same sex relationship- had a boyfriend. Enjoyed sex- broke up. Came back to God. He changed my heart towards dating- and led me to date & marry a specific woman. And now here we are- years later- a complicated marriage, a kid, and both struggling with this question of what sex and marriage is supposed to mean for us. Since we don’t “make sense”.

    Was I wrong to pursue what I felt like God was leading me to? Were we wrong to join together- both knowing- I was a “eunuch”? And, more importantly- what is “right” in our current situation?

    Is it right for us to remain celibate? 1 Cor 7:5 says to only abstain for short times of prayer, and to come back together again – so that Satan won’t tempt us.

    Or is it right for us to have sex? I love my wife- but sex is not genuine, on my part. Yet depriving my wife (who is attracted to me) is selfish. And on another level- I can’t control my ability to have sex.

    Long story short- marriage is complicated, even more so when you are SSA. I think it’s true- it is better to remain a eunuch- single- then to get married. I’m left holding only questions- that may have no answers.

    Love your thoughts, guys. -Anon

    • mike

      Hi Anon, I’m sorry to hear of your predicament. That is painful for you and your wife.
      You ask:” Is it right for us to remain celibate?”. If you mean continue in marriage without sex then that question will depend on how your wife answers it for herself as well. You may be surprised to know that many straight marriages survive for decades without sex! In the Old Testament sex was equivalent to marriage but the opposite isn’t true. Sex wasn’t necessary for marriage and no sex isn’t grounds for divorce.
      Marriage in the Old Testament was different than today. There was no dating nor premarital sex. Marriages were arranged mostly for family reasons to strength the clan etc. The marriage was viewed as a commitment to each other and the families involved. Sex happened but wasn’t a requirement to stay married. Often, due to lack of attraction the husband took another wife and polygamy was tolerated. But the marriage continued because of this commitment. As an example Jacob had two wives and two concubines and from their offspring came the nation of Israel.
      Jesus in Matt. 19 brings correction to the marriage relationship bringing it back to what God had intended from the beginning: one partner for life. But there was a caveat. sexual intercourse outside of marriage constituted grounds for divorce.
      I think if your wife is content to a marriage without sex and you are too then why separate? But, if there is other sexual intercourse on your part outside of marriage your wife might decide to separate. I know my wife has told me that even porn/masturbation for her is grounds to leave me. So, yes marriage is hard for all of us. But so too is singleness.

    • Chris Rose

      Hi Anon,

      I was married in 1996. Ultimately, I left her for the homosexual lifestyle. I suppose I married her to be protected from the attractions I had, which did not work because I did not relish, pursue, enjoy, discover, or relax in the sexual component of marriage. I still love her today, and find myself wanting this relationship back based on what has now been revealed to me. The suitable nature between a man and women is a beautiful covenant. Just like the covenant between us and Jesus needs exploring, and is only vital when we trust, or have faith in what we have. I see the same in marriage, your marriage.

      I don’t think it is at all necessary for you to question yourself, or look over the fence and think it is greener to be a eunuch. Other than Eunuchs sex is important to men, and you obviously have had a sexual component, and other issues in your marriage. You are not alone. Even erectile dysfunction is common. in marriage, and is explained by many factors even depression, and or relationship strife. Especially in men who make statements such as your have “since we don’t make sense.”
      I have discovered that men with addictions to pornography have erectile dysfunction. It is found that men who satisfy themselves sexually through masturbation and pornography have erectile issues while in performance of tangible sexual encounters.

      You hold a testimony that God drew your heart to your wife. If God has lead you to marriage, then He does not intend for your to be a Spiritual Eunuch. What a blessing you have been given. Many men are still praying, and waiting for the woman to be revealed. The truth is is that you’re married, and because you’re not a covenant breaker, you stay married.

      A long time passed in my life when I finally figured out that homosexual sex is not inline with sex in marriage. When engaged in homosexual sex, a set of passions aroused by the law is in effect. This is discovered in Romans Chapter 7:5 “For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death.” We are no longer held captive by the law and now serve in the “new way of the Spirit.” By this you can begin to understand the difference between lustful sex, and love sex.

      Anon, you are not in crisis, but in opportunity with a wife that finds you attractive. She is engaged in the marriage and is wanting to explore with you, the wonders and awe of your coming together. Go with her. Get naked and discover what both of you enjoy sexually. You are in covenant. So, relax. Don’t over look the truth of Romans 7:4 “Likewise, my brothers, you also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to Him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God. You are blessed Anon first to be in Christ, He makes all things new. Secondly, you can bear fruit unto God in the covenant of marriage that He has established just for you. Read Genesis 2:18-24 and fall in love with the Father who brought you this perfect women, so you could experience relational, and sexual perfection.

      Anon, look at what you have, and build on this foundation God has given you. Become thankful and stop looking at everything else, and focus your spiritual eyes on Christ and how He will make your marriage new everyday. Seek out the kingdom of God, lead and love your wife as Christ loves His church.

      Enjoy.
      Relax.
      Love.

      Advantage the blessing, in love, in Christ,
      Chris Rose

  • Have I mentioned lately how much I value your perspective and way of saying things, Kevin? This was a fantastic read. Love all the feedback happening in the comments, too. Awesome work, brother. Thanks for being part of us.

    • Kevin Frye

      Thank you, Tom! Your encouragement and support mean a lot to me. I’m enjoying the comments, too!

    • Jerry Reiter

      Thomas, I posted some questions about finding “real change” above. I would welcome any thoughts you might have on this, too.

  • naturgesetz

    Well said, Kevin. I believe that I and other same-sex attracted people are called to celibacy, to become eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom, which means not merely staying single and refraining from sex, but also using the gifts God has given us for the sake of his Kingdom, not just for our own satisfaction.

    • mike

      “not just for our own satisfaction”. Yes precisely! Well said.
      When we give ourselves to Jesus it is no trite thing. Our bodies then become ‘devoted’ to God meaning to be used for God only. It is the meaning behind “Be Holy” and “set apart” our bodies no longer for common (sinful fleshly) purposes but for sacred ones — our penis for God’s Glory only now! A revolutionary way of looking at it? I’m asking Jesus to help me see it that way.

      • WaveDave

        amen Mike..I need to be reminded of that on a daily basis. I like what you said, “our penis for God’s glory only now.” God help me to see it this was each day..

  • This is such a good read Kevin. Thanks for this!

    • Kevin Frye

      Thanks! And you’re welcome!

  • Thomas R

    Wow, what an encouraging thought! Being a single college student in my early twenties, I have often wondered if God’s way of sexual purity is truly better and more fulfilling than pursuing my own selfish desires. But this blog post is a great reminder and encouragement to me that God’s way IS the best.

    The passages in Matthew 19 and Isaiah 56 are ones that I have heard before, yet somehow I had not made the mental connection between these Scriptures and my struggles with SSA. In the past, I have subconsciously believed that God could redeem all of my pain and struggle… if He felt like it. As if God *might* choose to do so if I worked hard enough at being good. But that’s not how it is! God PROMISES to show His goodness and His redemptive power in our lives, and bring us true joy, if we will submit to Him. No doubt about it. I may get married to some wonderful woman someday, or I could be single and remain SSA for the rest of my life. Either way, I want to serve the Lord because I know only He brings lasting joy and fulfillment.

    Thank you, Kevin, for sharing these thoughts. I was encouraged immensely by reading this, and I hope others will be as well.

    • Kevin Frye

      Staying single and celibate is not easy, I know. But you’re right: God promises to show us his goodness and power. While we may think that must include us losing our SSA and then getting married, that’s not always how God sees things. His goodness and power can rest on us even when we are single, celibate, and attracted to the same sex. Doesn’t that, in a way, glorify God even more?

      Thanks for the comment, Thomas! Feel free to share the article with other people, if you want. Blessings.

  • Buckdipper

    Dear Brother Kevin,

    I want to comment as someone whose life has been painfully altered by SSA and who, as a born-again believer for the last forty-one years, has spent four decades battling against these perplexing temptations. I have also, quite frequently, wrestled with identity issues and grueling loneliness that have resulted from SSA (the temptations and identity issues, praise God, have decreased radically. The loneliness has not). Back in 1992, after losing my job and sinking into dangerous depression, I read this very passage from Isaiah 56 and came to the exact same conclusion that you did. This passage blessed me greatly then and it still speaks to my soul some 24 years later. Although I had not, at that time, given up on the possibility of marriage, I knew that my chances of becoming a father were extremely slim. These words were a comfort to me, knowing that I would probably never know the blessing of children.

    The words that you have spoken here speak not only to those of us who possess little hope of marriage but also to a host of others, even to some who have never battled SSA. These words also speak to me at the age of 61, a man with SSA who has, over the last forty years, developed sufficient OSA to function sexually within the bounds of marriage. Indeed, the closest I ever came to marriage was a mere eight years ago. But there were other issues besides SSA that complicated matters in my pursuit of marriage. I failed miserably for years in establishing myself in a career and wasn’t in a financial position to support a family. Then, when I was old enough to marry a woman of post-child bearing age, I found that nearly every Christian single woman I met was divorced. Because I hold to the most conservative view on divorce and remarriage, marrying a woman with a living ex-husband was not an option. When I finally did find an attractive woman in my age bracket who had never been married, the relationship failed because both of us were hopelessly set in our ways. So you see, single Christian men become “eunuchs” for a variety of reasons. I have a close Christian male friend who is divorced but, because he holds to the same conservative view of divorce and remarriage that I have, feels that he cannot remarry while his ex-wife is still living. He is now on the mission field. There are other Christian “eunuchs” out there who live celibate lives for that very same reason. There are also others who never marry because of physical and emotional handicaps. Still others never progress far enough in their careers to financially provide for a family (remember, women do look for men who will make good providers. Indeed, many Christian women want to stay home with the children – i.e., with the husband as the sole breadwinner). There are also men who never marry because women simply don’t find them attractive – attractive not only in terms of physical appearance but also in terms of personality and demeanor. Some men never marry simply because they have never found the right woman. I have an extremely handsome and talented Christian male friend in his early 60s who has never married for that very reason. Others simply feel called by God to be celibate (like the apostle Paul). It is interesting to note that many of these men have had little or no battle with SSA. I only wish that those who are SSA attracted and those who are not could come together to meet each other’s needs for non-sexual intimacy. Both groups battle the same, awful loneliness factor and crave tender, affectionate touch. Many are depressed and emotionally starved. I know that, in recent years, I have had more intense struggles regarding my unmet needs for non-sexual intimacy than I’ve had with illicit sexual cravings. Indeed, the sexual temptations usually hit because I feel frustrated by the seemingly endless dead-ends I encounter in my quest for non-sexual male affection.

    I know that there is significant interaction between the readers of YOB and the readers of Menforums. Earlier this year I composed and posted a lengthy, multi-part series in Menforums called “Alpha Menfriends.” In that series I proposed the creation of a website for men like us – those with SSA and those without SSA – who are seeking high-intimacy, non-sexual male friendships (I call them “Alpha friendships”). It would be Christian based and include a “personals” column so that men like us can connect with other like-minded men in our own parts of the country. I believe that having such a venue is absolutely vital. It would enable us to finally find the friendships our souls so desperately crave, thus ending the fruitless searches for non-sexual male bonding that have plagued us for years (or even decades). Moreover, such a venue could ultimately become a springboard for a national male-bonding movement (sort of like Promise Keepers but more focused on bringing together men who seek non-sexual intimacy). The movement I envision would also be focused on tearing down the un-Biblical fences that have been placed around Christian male friendship, fences designed to protect men from merely appearing gay or unmasculine. I am happy to say that the “Alpha Menfriends” series had a very positive reception in Menforums. However, the first step towards creating the sort of website I envision would be to find someone who possesses the necessary computer skills – skills that I simply don’t have (let’s just say that my level of computer proficiency belongs somewhere back in the last century). No one from Menforums who possesses those skills has come forward as of yet. Is it possible therefore, Kevin, that YOB could ultimately become the springboard for creating such a venue – perhaps in the form of a companion website for YOB? Kevin, if this interests you in any way, go into the “General Discussion” section of Menforums and you will find “Alpha Menfriends.” There are also two other series that I wrote which were lead-ins to “Alpha Menfriends.” The first is called “The Sexual Revolution vs. Male Bonding” and the second is called “What do We Call Ourselves?” Those two series, like “Alpha Menfriends,” are in the “General Discussion” section of Menforums. By the way, please be free to quote or even “copy and paste” anything I have written in Menforums, whether it be a short passage or an entire post. Even if you do not feel that you yourself could take up this project, perhaps one of the other authors at YOB might feel called by God to do so.

    Being “Eunuchs” for the Kingdom of God is not an easy road to follow, However, it is a much easier way of life when, having been denied the experience of sexual intimacy, we can walk in the joys of godly, non-sexual intimacy with our brothers in Christ.

    In Jesus,

    Buckdipper

    • Kevin Frye

      Hey Buck! What you say here is true. There are a lot of people — men and women alike — with no SSA, but who still never marry, or refuse to remarry after divorce (by the way, I applaud you and agree with you on your stance regarding that). We all face loneliness, and being a eunuch is not just for guys who are attracted to other guys. I agree that we all should learn how to help each other out in this area.

      I am somewhat familiar with Menforums. I’ve read several things on there, but it’s been a long time since I last looked at it. I like your idea about making a website to move your vision forward, helping men everywhere connect and meet each other’s needs. However, I’m also pretty tech un-savvy, and have no idea how I could help you. If you want to talk about a partnership or merger with YOB, you should send a message to Thomas Mark Zuniga or Elliott Gladwin. They’re the ones who put this YOB site together and got it off the ground, and are now the leaders of this organization.

      Grace and peace.

      • Buckdipper

        Thanks Kevin!

        I will contact Thomas and/or Elliot. By the way, it is through Menforums that I found you. One of guys at Menforums posted a link to one of your own fine articles from YOB. Several of us from Menforums have discovered you that way. Praise God for this wonderful (and much needed ) site!

        In Him,

        Buckdipper

    • Alan Gingery

      Dear Buckdipper!

      Just read your post. Yeah, I’m behind on my reading! Ha ha! I am 60 and married so of similar age. I like your ideas and hope you can pursue them whether an alliance with YOB is the right way or not.

      I don’t have a lot of intimacy in my marriage currently, and I am trying to rebuild that at this time. However, I recognize that I have high needs for intimacy and connection, so for me at this time, I am “virtually single” though married. I am working to meet my needs just like you are–through intimate strong non-sexual relationships with others. I have to work at it, but since I have have high same-sex relational needs, I am the one to do that work. Loneliness is real sometimes, but it is a signpost telling me to get busy and do something that needs to be done to meet those needs that I have. All the best to you and God bless you greatly!

      • Buckdipper

        Thanks Alan! We seem to be on the same page regarding so many things. As men who battle SSA, we are told over and over again that we need to pursue non-sexual emotional intimacy with other men. Unfortunately, the roadblocks our culture places in the way of truly close male friendship makes this search very difficult (but, praise God, not impossible). My ideas may need refining but, more importantly, they need the assistance of a tech-savvy brother who can help with the technical aspects of getting things off the ground. I have been ill lately but, when I am well, I plan to pursue an avenue that I hope will be part of God’s chosen path for men like us.

        Buckdipper

  • Jerry Reiter

    “Gays can change through Christ” proclaimed Christians in ex-gay ministries for 40 years, but the leaders admitted in 2013 nobody changed from homosexual to heterosexual. Since then every major, decades-old ex-gay ministry from the US to Australia faded into history. So, if you are offering your fellow brothers lonely, loveless lives of celibacy as the alternative solution, at least you are not reviving the disproven ‘change’ claims that were the standard fare of religious conservatives long after leaders knew that was not working. If you are seriously considering celibacy, you can find other Christians who live that way at the Gay Christian Network. And the Catholic church ministries to LGBT people offers celibacy groups, too, even after celibacy was a total failure for priests and nuns. A few of you will be fine as celibates. But almost all of you will fall in love, and it will be with someone of the same sex.

    • Kevin Frye

      Yes, we have, do, and may again “fall in love” with someone of the same sex. We don’t deny that. We do deny that following and obeying that feeling is acceptable in the eyes of God.

      As for the argument about whether or not people’s same-sex attractions can be changed or reversed, maybe Exodus fell apart, but there are a lot of ex-gay people who declare honestly that real change is possible. Maybe not by the therapies that were propagated by many ex-gay ministries, but it is possible. Even the American Psychological Association agrees that change is possible, and that they’ve always known it was. (You can check that out here: http://www.aoiusa.org/american-psychological-association-course-correction-sexual-orientation-and-gender-identity-not-fixed-after-all/)

      To say that Christians with homosexual attractions can’t change and that to be single and celibate means they must be lonely and loveless is to say that God is not all-powerful and that He doesn’t love or care about His children. If you are not a Christian, I think it’s fine for you to believe this way. But if you do call yourself a follower of Jesus Christ, I think you’d better re-examine your theology.

      • Jerry Reiter

        Kevin, about that “real change” you mentioned, where do I go to find this? What specific method is there to create this ‘real change?” I am a Christian and am genuinely interested in knowing. Here is what I found so far:
        The largest and oldest ex-gay ministries (a long list) are gone after admitting total failure, so I don’t want to go one of the few groups reviving that old approach, such as the new Restored Hope Network because they really are just trotting out the same old failed promises of the past. Can you give me the name of a Christian organization that has had success in helping change sexual orientation? The Mormon group “People Can Change” had made the claim that by helping gay men do some inner healing work, they could change their orientation. But they recently closed their doors after their practice of giving out ‘magic’ bean seeds to cure gays drew a federal trade commission investigation. Meanwhile, reparative gay conversion therapy was proven in NJ state court (JONAH case) to be consumer fraud after every medical expert testified it cured nobody and harmed many. The supreme court affirmed that ruling. Then the World Psychiatric Assn. joined its 265,000 voices to every national medical association calling for an end to the practice of reparative therapy. So, I think you can see why I am having trouble finding a successful ‘real change’ method or organization. Celibacy is not for everyone, and for those of us who are not called to celibacy, there does not seem to be any option except to wed someone of the same sex because well over 9 of 10 mixed-orientation marriages end in divorce, and all inflict pain on the entire family.

        • Jerry Reiter

          PS any APA therapist I have gone to advises me to accept my sexual orientation. They told me that while some people experience fluidity, that is not by choice. These are bisexual people, but not all of us are that way. The APA therapists I went to said there is no method to change one’s orientation. You seem to think otherwise, so I will be curious to read your response.

          • Jerry Reiter

            PPS – that link you gave me did not lead to the APA. It was a religious group.

        • Alan Gingery

          Hi Jerry! I read your responses to Kevin’s blog. I am a person who has found change in my life (from 5 on the Kinsey Scale to 1 on the Kinsey scale). It is possible. I know feel more at peace with myself, my faith and with God. People Can Change has changed its name to Brother’s Road, but I can assure you that they have not closed their doors. They are not a Morman group, but respect people of all religions and atheists as well. I attended the Journey Into Manhood weekend and found it to be one of the helpful things on my journey of change. My therapy has included reading helpful books by authors who work with unwanted SSA, many of whom were SSA themselves and write from an insider’s perspective. If you are looking for a psychologist that is not into Gay Affirmative Therapy (GAT), then I suggest that you look beyond the APA and check out ATCSI therapists instead. Their therapy, called SAFE-T (Sexual Attraction Fluidity Exploration Therapy) can help you explore options that meet your needs, whatever your goals for your life and faith are. I hope this is helpful. God bless you!

  • Alan Gingery

    Funny you should ask these questions.

    I do think that the idea of being a eunuch is equivalent to the idea of living a chaste celibate life, as apparently the Apostle Paul advocated for some Christians in 1 Corinthians 7.

    Regardless of sexual attraction (SSA or OSA) every man on earth has to deal with his sexuality from the time his sexual awareness begins and God calls all of us, married or unmarried to sexual purity. Everybody! So, the single straight guy also has to decide whether to live a celibate life or not. Not just the SSA guy.

    And not all guys will get married (some day). What about them? I am married, but my wife currently isn’t having sex with me even though I want to have sex with her. So I am a virtual “single” man as far as my sexuality goes. God calls us all to purity!

    Singleness (or virtual singleness) is not a curse. It can be an opportunity to serve the Lord without hindrances and it can also be an opportunity to develop deep non sexual relationships with other men and women that married men often don’t have time because of family responsibilities to develop. God does not leave us in a vacuum. Sex is not the only thing in life that matters–certainly not for a Christian. We can live deeply fulfilling lives whether single or married. We can live pure lives that please God. Every Christian is called to do this.

  • WaveDave

    Wow Kevin…such a wonderfully written post…and much appreciated.

    I served in a Christian missions organization for 9 years until it folded. For much of the time I worked in Field Services, meaning I was responsible for the care and needs of those around the world. It was a demanding job and I had to be available 24/7 for whatever need arose…and believe me, they did.

    I had to learn to give without expecting anything in return, and I had to settle in my heart I was called by the Lord to be a servant to others. I can’t tell you how many times people would tell me I needed to be married etc. I would tell them that I believed God wanted me to be a servant which was true…and I was content with this, as hard and lonely as it was. I could not say that I am SSA too. I know people gossiped about my orientation, in fact after the mission folded I was back home and got a call from a voice I did not recognize asking me if I was still gay…

    Now, I am a servant to my mom and take care of her since my dad died. I keep reminding myself that this life is short and only what is done for Christ will last for eternity.

    • Kevin Frye

      It’s not an easy road to walk, I would imagine. It’s even harder when people who are supposed to be supporting you and leading you closer to the Lord seem to spend more energy trying to get you married instead. Still, your work for the Lord in this life will not go unnoticed. Keep saving up treasures in Heaven, WD. 🙂

  • I wish I had sought the Lord out when I got married. He may have told me to remain single because of my SSA. But there was a lot of pressure to be married to someone, especially around here in West Texas. I certainly didn’t want to be SSA but didn’t know how to be with a woman. I was coveting what a straight man had. I may have not been what God wanted, but He gave me what I wanted and even blessed it with children; but I have paid for it with marital strife and infidelity with my exboyfriend. Being with a woman did not make me straight, nor did fatherhood. If I had sought out the will of God, then perhaps I would have sought eunuchood.