Let’s Talk About Penis Size

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When I was about ten or eleven years old, I showed my brother my penis. He was talking on the phone, and I wanted to freak him out and disrupt his conversation. I meant it entirely as a joke. In fact, I did this a few times whenever he got on the phone with somebody. I thought it was hilarious. My brother, three years older than me and having already begun puberty, laughed, too — but more at my penis size.

He said it was small. After a while, I got tired of his making fun of me for having a small penis, and I stopped flashing him. Being on the cusp of puberty myself and starting to worry about when the physical changes would start — and why they hadn’t yet — also motivated me to keep my pants up.

It took some time, but eventually those changes did start and I became increasingly self-conscious. Living with my brother only made things worse for me since he and I were bitter rivals in almost every respect, and we fought and lived to mortify each other at nearly every opportunity. That means that although it had been years since he’d last seen my penis, he reminded me time and time again just how puny it was.

To make matters even worse, porn, that vicious beast, taught me that to be a real man meant having a ten-inch boner, eight inches minimum. No woman — or man — would be satisfied with anything less.

I’d stare at myself naked in my closet mirror and see a pale, smooth-skinned boy with a penis that certainly wasn’t eight inches. When I was only midway through puberty, I couldn’t compare to the men I saw online swinging around their gigantic shlongs. I wasn’t even sure I could call mine a shlong.

I did more than just watch porn online in those days, though. I did actually use the Internet to learn facts and other stuff — stuff that nobody else was going to teach me or had ever tried to. I read somewhere about average penis size around the world and found that the average length of an erect penis is something like five to six inches.

I ran to our kitchen where we had a tool drawer and pulled out my dad’s measuring tape. Having beaten Speedy Gonzalez back to my bedroom, I closed and locked the door, pulled down my pants, and got a boner.

If the measuring tape was right, my brother was wrong. My penis wasn’t puny. It wasn’t small. It was average, and on the high end of that!

With that case now settled with some basic facts and the measuring tape now safely returned to its kitchen home, my family not knowing what on earth I could have needed it for in such a hurry, I went on about my life as usual.

But as we all know, knowing something in our heads is very different from knowing something in our hearts. Learning something academically is very different from learning it by experience. I still felt like that pale kid with a little dick in the mirror sometimes — even though I knew in my head that it wasn’t true.

I believe that God loves us very much and He wants us to know things in our hearts; He wants the truth to be settled within us, in our souls, not just in our heads. And He finds ways of settling certain truths deep within us when He knows it matters.

As I talked about in my book, the Lord led me to join the YMCA when I was twenty-three. One main reason I joined was to confront my fear of nudity and overcome it, and that’s exactly what I did there. By getting naked and being around other naked guys in a safe, normal environment like a gym locker room, I learned first-hand what normal really was.

When men disrobe and show themselves the way they really are, mysteries vanish, fantasies starve, and fear dissolves.

Any anxiety I still had about my penis shriveled up faster than my balls under that first cool breeze from the locker room fan. I looked around me and saw a bunch of other penises that certainly didn’t meet the porn standard. Not only that, but I also learned a few other things:

Those big, ripped bodybuilders don’t always have big, ripped dicks to match.

Older men who you’d think would have more to be self-conscious about because of the sagging and shrinking effects of age on the human body are some of the boldest when it comes to nudity — while young, hot guys are some of the timidest.

Not all penises are the same. They vary widely in length, girth, shape, color, and almost every other way you can think of. You cannot predict a penis based on what a man looks like, and you cannot judge a man based on his penis.

I learned that even a small penis is normal, because there were a lot of guys with small dicks in that locker room, and nobody seemed to care.

I learned that my penis was normal, too. It wasn’t puny or small, and I knew that not just based on some measurement I took or some statistic I’d read online, but rather based on what I saw around me — from real life. The truth reached my heart.

I also learned that a real man is not one just because he has a penis the size of his forearm, but because he is made a man by God, regardless his penis size. And having a huge dong is not nearly as impressive as having a small one and being ridiculously confident with it.

And God has made me confident just as I am. I’m not that pale little boy in the mirror anymore. I have a shlong.

Have you been self-conscious about your penis size? What’s been your experience with nudity in locker rooms? How do you feel your penis size reflects your masculinity?

* Photo courtesy greencolander, Creative Commons.

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  • The first time I ever showed anybody my penis, it was to my younger cousin. It wasn’t to show him actually, but is was because I was getting pubic hair and he wanted to see. He remarked on how huge it was and that he wished his was bigger. Then my uncle showed me porn to teach me about sex, and I suddenly viewed myself as rather small. I didn’t know it at the time, that porn had introduced to me the stupid idea that all men were of huge girth and length and I was just puny in comparison. Being in the Navy cured me of that. I was suddenly showering with eighty other guys of all lengths and widths, and that I was just average.It was kind of refreshing that I was ‘normal’ (whatever that means).

    • Kevin Frye

      More guys need to join the Navy.

  • mike

    Timely post. Just yesterday I was talking to a guy who wants surgery to lengthen his penis. It’s an obsession with some. I told him it depends what he wants to do with it…
    Wanting to be a porn star is one thing and I guess it matters in the gay world. But being in the average goldilocks zone is just right for women if you are going to use it there! So, we must also talk vagina length since that matters. The average vagina is 2.75-5.75 inches and somewhat longer when she is aroused. A long penis runs the risk of bumping up against her cervix which is painful/uncomfortable in most women. But real sex with a woman has nothing to do with penis size and in fact large long penises can be a detriment. The G-spot is located between 1 and 3 inches deep on the front wall of the vagina, so even a very short member is capable of reaching it, and the highest density of nerves in the vagina is near the entrance where the clitoris is found, so length isn’t necessary to provide a lot of stimulation for her.
    But, if you’re going to be celibate who cares about size! What’s more important is being a real man where character matters most. I don’t fancy nudity. It can be a double edged sword for some. If God recommends it you dare not disobey. But if not, seeing the larger members can lead to penis envy which is particularly bad for SSA’d folk who can be so fixated on penises…

    • This has been Middle School Sex Ed with Mike. Thanks Mike!

    • JB

      I’m a surgeon- don’t let him do it!! It’s total quackery. They wind up scarred, lumpy, sometime with less sensitivity, and the penis is much less stable for thrusting. No way Jose!

      • mike

        For those in lurk mode contemplating this procedure take heed. The good surgeon is right. It is unwise involving severing a suspensory ligament which is there for a purpose. Cutting it and placing weights on the member for the cosmetic lengthening effect is sheer folly. You don’t need length. It’s delusional!

        • JB

          I’ve read studies were all the men seeking this surgery had statistically “normal” penis size. I remember one show where the guy was 7″ but did it because he wanted more girth and length. Of course they didn’t show the final result. The urologists who do these surgeries just want the money, and ate not respected in that field. So say my urology partners. One of them wanted a bigger penis ideally, but said “you just have to accept that’s your size and go on with your life. There’s no reason people should be doing or receiving that surgery!”

          • Eddie

            JB is right and it doesn’t end with being mutilated by some quack. I was watching a plastic surgery documentary and a doctor explained that such cases leave the victim having to find reparations with the court system. Meaning if you’re injured and take your case to trial, a jury is going to have to examine photos, before and after, of your penis as part of the evidence and their deliberation process. Yes, showing pictires of your shlong to 12 strangers in order to be awarded monetary damages. I say, insult to injury.

  • A Friend

    Fantastic conversation. As one who has struggled with SSA FOREVER, I really had low self confidence in college, as all on my dorm floor were perfectly formed and molded into the image of awesomeness–muscle, tone, form, hair, GPA, voice, personality, looks, EVERYTHING. There was one guy who was particularly perfect, and we only imagined how “blessed” he was. Nudity was not unusual, and the absolute joy I felt when Mr. Awesome stepped into the showers one morning and stood beside me–and had the tiniest bit of manhood that I had EVER seen. HE WASN’T PERFECT AFTER ALL! It was a lesson learned–quit beating myself up and to remember that I was made exactly how God wanted me to turn out. I was OK.

    • Kevin Frye

      Good points to remember. We’re all “big” and fabulous in our own ways.

    • WaveDave

      wow…amen

  • Brian

    A wise prophet once said, “Size matters not. Look at me, judge me by my size do you?”

  • Bradley S

    Thank you Kevin for talking boldly about topics that men need to discuss.

    I told myself for years I was inadequate, and only found out recently that I am 100% average.

    Real masculinity is not penis size, it’s to what extent we are willing to follow the Greatest of All, our Lord (in my humble opinion).

    • Kevin Frye

      You’re welcome, Bradley. Thank you for your honesty in this discussion as well.

    • WaveDave

      Great post, brother

  • JB

    So glad you write this. That is so me. Except i still struggle with it, even though I’m married and 46, and my wife halted me once after entering her, to let her “accomodate” and have her vagina stretch and expand so intercourse wasn’t painful. I’m sure part of it was being the skinny nerd in junior high whose brother 5 years older had a larger penis and had had early puberty onset unlike me. The other traumatic thing is that one of my friends DOES have a 10″ dick as i saw him measure it in person, and that totally sent my self esteem even lower. My friend (previously gay, now happily hetero married) said it makes him no more of a man or more virile or sexually powerful than any other guy, and he doesn’t see himself any better, different, or “superior” to any other guy. (But his gay boyfriend at the time was really upset when he first saw it). And i was FURIOUS at God lol for letting my friend be endowed like that and not me. Although it is funny that a huge guy like that wound up feeling gay despite a superlong dick 😀 Also, in a group of nude guys, i always compare myself to the biggest longest guy. Don’t know why i’m so insecure about it. And i’m a physician so i know mine is high-average too. And why are guys even as adults afraid to talk about it, even my psychologist? He said he wouldn’t even talk about it with his son if his son brought it up. Why is that? Oh well – one of the many insecurities we have lol. Onward…

    • mike

      There is a theory that psychologists and psychiatrists enter that field to try and figure themselves out :). I think there’s some truth to that and may be that’s the reason your psychologist won’t talk or maybe he’s had that dreaded surgery himself!
      I haven’t seen a good study linking penis length to homosexuality. Maybe we should do a scientific study here? Any takers?

    • Kevin Frye

      Wouldn’t it be fun to have a ten-inch dick? I’d love it for maybe a week, then I’d wish I could fit into my skinny jeans again. I’ve had to really consider the benefits and drawbacks of having a huge member and whether or not I should allow myself to feel unsatisfied with what I have. It would be fun to show off a massive wang in a locker room or with friends sometimes, but more often, my life is about more than my penis, and I just as often don’t want excessive attention in a locker room or shower. I just want to get clean and dressed and move on with my day. So, I think having a huge penis would simply get in the way of normal life for me.

      • JB

        I haven’t had skinny jeans for the last 20 years 😛

  • Buckdipper

    For me, locker room nudity was liberating when there were lots of other guys around. This was not true so much when it was just me and another occasional guy – especially if the guy was gay and cruising in the shower or steam room. I soon discovered that, in most locker rooms and steam rooms, there is safety in numbers – best to go when it is busy, especially in a spa, sauna or steam room. Besides, the more guys there are the more you can socialize. What really liberated me was conversing in the nude with other men. This really helped me see naked men as human beings with a heart and soul, created in the image of God. Over time I began to see Christian naked men as members of the body of Christ and the temple of the Holy Spirit (our naked bodies, not our clothes, are God’s temple). I actually came to see the naked male body as something sacred and holy. Over time I learned to start conversations with other guys in the shower/steam room. Not all of them wanted to talk but a great many did. Some became my steam room buddies who I looked forward to seeing on a regular basis. On occasion the other guys would even shake hands with me “au naturale” – and they were straight! The first time this happened I was stunned. Here was this really nice, straight-looking naked man with a warm personality reaching out and shaking hands with me. Then I realized “I just had physical contact with another guy in the nude and I had NO arousal! The fact that I neither thought nor felt anything sexual was a major victory for me. I went home rejoicing over this victory. That was over 30 years ago. Now, in my area at least, even the YMCAs have put in individual showers. My old YMCA that I really liked just got rid of the men’s steam room. Now we are supposed to be ashamed of our bodies in the locker room. How I miss the freedom and openness with men that I once knew! I know that in Texas and other conservative areas you can still find a few (perhaps more) “traditional” men’s locker rooms where everyone is free to go in their birthday suits. It is interesting to note that Texas is a state that is more conservative regarding homosexual behavior, whereas the Philadelphia area where I live is very liberal regarding all things LGBT. It seems that the more accepting of homosexual acts a culture is, the more uptight men become about communal nudity and other forms of man-to-man openness. It looks like I am going to have to try the Korean Spa near me to see if I can enjoy the freedom of my younger years once more.

    Buck

    • Danny D

      Korean spa is the best experience, only better if it was outside.

  • Brian

    I hated locker room nudity. For some reason I was a late bloomer. In my high school locker room, I got made fun of because they had all hit puberty and had hair while I didn’t have any and of course there were those that had to point it out so everyone else would know and then they would all laugh. Thankfully I finally hit puberty but that sure caused a lot of shame and embarrassment.

    • I didn’t undress in front of anybody for a long time after an embarrassing incident in a shower room when I was twelve (that is when I discovered I was attracted to men). Joining the Navy was a new experience for me where I had to take a shower everyday, with eighty other guys, where I discovered we are all equipped the same and it started desensitizing me to other naked men so I could fight my same sex attraction.

    • Bryon

      ditto. Exactly.

    • Jonathan David

      I can totally relate to the late bloomer in a high school locker room. We had P. E. my sophomore year, so at age 15, I was still a little guy and looked more like I was 12 or 13. Being laughed at, always the target for wet towel snaps, and just the humiliation of most of the other guys being bigger, hairier and what not. I hated gym class and I hated being naked with the other boys. I’m 59 now and finally okay with being naked. I was in a hot tub with a friend recently.. both of us naked. It was totally okay.

  • Mysterytome

    Fun topic. Not sure why I find penises so fascinating, but I do. We all have one, they represent a core part of our masculinity, they’re our constant (best?) companion, they seem to have a mind of their own, each guy’s is unique (like his signature), they bring us a lot of joy…and yet we keep them hidden away, almost as if they didn’t exist. Why is that? I have no problem getting naked with other guys in a communal setting, in fact I rather enjoy it. Maybe it’s because I’m blessed in that God has placed me on the right side of the Gaussian curve :-P. But I really like the bonding aspect of it, letting others in on my secret, and vice-versa. I’ve been naked with just about every one of my totally straight buds (skinny dipping, showers, etc), and it’s cool to think I know what’s lurking beneath for each of them. I even wish it would be more acceptable to reveal and compare erect states. There is something about a naked (in-shape) man, erect or not, that I find totally noble. So…as a believer and married man, is this wrong?

    • No it’s not. I enjoy going to the gym and getting in shape, but if I am honest, I like to be naked if front of other men in the locker room and the sauna. It is a bonding experience that has desensitized my curiosity of what other men look like under their clothes, allowing me to combat SSA better.

    • Kevin Frye

      I have much more to say about nudity in future blog posts, so I hope you’ll stay tuned. Thanks for sharing!

    • jeffnkr

      WOW! I have the same feelings as a lot of other married men! I, too, find penises fascinating, and I, too, think each one is different! Mysterytome, your post is one I could have written, myself, and have been 100% truthful!

  • Malcolm

    Kevin, I always love your posts! Being 50 years old, my generation was among the last to be required to take communal showers after gym class. However, after over 25 years of not being naked around other men, and having viewed much porn in the meantime, I felt self conscious and inadequate physically. So a couple of years ago I joined the Y — not only to get in better shape, but to once again experience locker room nudity. Before joining I found your old YouTube video about joining the Y. That encouraged me. As an adult, the locker room nudity was different because I was in with a mix of different ages — some younger and some older than myself. Although I was never an athlete, and always felt that my body was inadequate, it was liberating to see that now as a middle aged man I actually compare favorably to many of my peers. Yeah I need to loose to few pounds, but at least I’m not so fat that I need to sit in a chair to take a shower. Its also great to see that the guys who do have great bodies are not perfect. We are all human beings with bodies that will age and one day turn to dust. Our souls are the only thing that ultimately matters. With regard to penis size, the God that designed the penis also designed the vagina. Would you want your wife to have a huge vagina? No! That wouldn’t be good for love-making. Neither would it be good to have a huge penis. Average is perfect for the intended function.

    • Kevin Frye

      I agree. Average is great! Thanks for the comment, Malcolm!

  • Chris

    In my search for addiction groups with a focus on pornography, masturbation and same sex attraction I stumbled upon your YOB site. Quickly glancing at the different blogs and FAQs I have this immediate rush of encouragement because I am flooded with stories/topics of real men that are open and willing to be vulnerable about their lives. I’m sure you know this, but it’s refreshing and helps me realize I am not alone. So thank you!

    One day I walked into my room where my three older brothers were having a meeting. At the tender age of seven I was confused as to why I was not invited to be a part of this. My brothers quickly hushed up and the eldest of my brothers spoke up, “Chris do you even have sperm?” I laughed and responded, of course I do. Truth is, I did not know what that was. It was in this moment that I birthed a focus on self-image. I wanted to have what my brothers had. They were more muscular than me, that were hairy than me, they had deep voices, and they were not ashamed to make fun of how small I was or point it out. I started to compare myself, especially after discovering porn. I too measured myself and did similar research to understand if I was normal. It’s interesting to come across other lads that have been in a similar place. It’s taken some time, but I am thankful for what I have and how God has designed me. Thank you for sharing!

    • Kevin Frye

      Hey Chris! I’m glad you found us! Take a look around at what the other authors here have written and I’m sure you’ll find plenty that you can relate to. We have all had similar stories as yours, that’s for sure. Thanks for your comment here!

  • A Friend

    This comment is in the same genre, but guys in the dorm were not uptight about nudity, or even erections. My “I’m not normal” issue was curvature. I thought I was the only weirdo because while some went “high,” mine went “down.” I lost many nights sleep over that. And then, when I got addicted to gay porn, I really went over the edge. I wasted so much time on that issue, that now it irritates me. My point? Being able to talk openly with brothers then would have certainly cured my angst. Thus, posts like this are quite healing. Thanks to the author!

    • Kevin Frye

      So true; open talk is invaluable. And you’re welcome!

  • WaveDave

    Your posts, Kevin, are always so great to read and I thank you for all the effort you put into them. This is something we all think about but rarely discuss. Over the years, the Lord has been showing me my worth is not based on penis size, but the fact that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Him, created to do good works in His name.

    • Kevin Frye

      So true, WD. Thanks for commenting!

  • Buckdipper

    In recent years traditional locker room nudity has been phased out in the Philadelphia area. How is it elsewhere? Please let me know how this is panning out in your part of the country. Men can still go without a towel at the “Y” (for now) but when they get to the showers there are dividers and curtains/doors. One “Y” even had private drying areas with a second door for each shower so the men wont have to dry naked together! So absurd. All-men’s steam rooms are being phased out in as well. Not having that communal nudity experience anymore – and finding roadblocks at every attempt to find it again – has frustrated me no end. I think that I have more struggles with sexualizing male nudity now than I did a few years back because of this. Yesterday I went to the Korean Spa in my area and it was a BIG letdown. There was a considerable amount of normal, non-sexual nudity BUT there were some gays in the steam room who acted (and talked) as if they couldn’t wait for me to leave so they could act out together. They didn’t even try to hide it. One guy started masturbating by himself, perhaps thinking that the steam was so thick that I wouldn’t notice. That was nearly the case but sometimes I could make out what he was doing. Moreover, there was resistance to conversation at nearly every turn – so unlike my positive experiences in “Y” locker rooms a few years back. The guys seemed so cold, aloof and unfriendly. I began to wonder if they were gay and thought that I was an intruder (maybe they thought I was spy sent in from the management to weed out troublemakers). The Koreans who came were friendly, however, but most of them had limited English skills so conversation was minimal. The one thing I will say that was positive is that I felt ZERO sexual attraction to the men I saw, including the more handsome ones. It was all a big bore, really. So my trip to the Korean Spa did help de-sexualize male nudity – perhaps because it was such an unpleasant experience!

    • Kevin Frye

      That’s unfortunate to hear, Buck. I’ll share with you what I posted in a Facebook group a few days ago regarding nudity:

      Let’s not lose hope. This is an area where Christians can shine. If we do not give in to fear or religious restrictions, we can redeem nudity, as well as platonic community and same-sex bonding. Even though Satan has tried to pervert and destroy these things (because he knows that they are good and good for us), we do not have to give in to his schemes or believe his lies which are being propagated by the world. Onward, Christian brothers!

  • Eddie

    In high school, penis size wasn’t an issue as the guys all knew had them, we all seemed average and we weren’t overtly curious to scope out or discuss our packages. My experience with nudity in locker rooms was trying to overcome anxiety and fear of being taken advantage of while in such a vulnerable state. I’m reminded of the scene where Corey Haim’s title character in the movie “Lucas” is physically assaulted by the older, larger and malicious football players in the team locker room.
    In my specific case, I was very preoccupied with my penis’ behavior and not so much about its size. As it has been said, it seems to have a mind of its own. I can attest to this as I was very wary about sporting an unwanted and untimely erection while in the presence of other males showering together. In my head, I didn’t want to become aroused and consciously didn’t want pursue ANYONE sexually. However, my subconscious took over and caused unwanted arousal and embarrassment for me during my sophomore year in high school on the football team. I managed to put a stop to it after two shower sessions that I felt were last times I would ever shower in front of guys again. During such times, I believe I had good reason to be self-conscious yet this fear and anxiety followed me well into adulthood. Sadly this mindset was all in my head as I never was victimized by anyone while naked. I was creating these imaginary scenarios that never came to fruition. Today I don’t have any qualms about being nude in a locker room with other naked guys around as it’s expected in that setting. Furthermore, the locker room Jacuzzi at one our YMCAs is deemed clothing optional. For the most part, guys certainly prefer to bath in the jet propelled water au natural whether alone or in the company of other men. I’m no exception. However, when it comes to OSA guys and nudity, I notice they harbor serious reservations about viewing other guys naked and find it grossly undesirable. I suppose they don’t want the naked images of their friends or colleagues to imprint inside their memories forever. In college, same sex nudity was acceptable since all guys were relatively young, in better shape and I would say liberal with each others’ body image. Speaking honestly, this changes outside college especially for OSA men because even mildly scoping out another naked guy is considered “gay” behavior and no OSA guy wants to be pegged as “gay” if he can help it.
    As to penis size reflecting my masculinity, I fail to see a correlation. Granted I am happy that I was so endowed by God with my penis as it is (size and girth), but I still feel like a guy and my masculinity is based relatively on other factors. I’ve come to find there are both Godly and worldly definitions as to masculinity. I would want to know and strive for God’s interpretation. That would be a good post as to what qualities would define Godly masculinity. Of course, the beat example we have of this is Jesus.

  • Danny D

    Thank you Kevin. This is a subject that I think men should be more open about. And if men were more open I think some of the misconceptions would die.

    I struggled with my penis size for years. I am a big man but my penis did not seem to match. The locker room cured me partially. I wanted to see how other men were build and I saw that everyone is different and I was just average like a lot of other men. The other cure for me was chatting with nudist men who seemed not to care anything about size. That helped me. Finally getting married and having sex for the first time in my life, my new wife rebutted my vain complaint with praise that I was not any bigger for her sake. And sex has always been pleasurable for both of us. I can pee, it helped produced children, and it helps express intimacy for my wife — all functions God intended.

  • Steve Polewski

    I too suffered the effects of feeling inadequate. Looking at my elder brothers (I am the youngest of 4 boys) it seemed that I always had the smallest schlong…But after going to the gym, looking around in public changerooms, I realized I was very “normal”