Month: June 2017

Losing the Greatest Community of My Life

Two years ago, I moved away from an incredibly close community of guys. I first met these guys during my first year of Bible college. We all lived in the same dorm, and we grew incredibly close. I disclosed my attraction to the same sex to all of them just a month or two into the semester. They were all so incredibly loving and supportive, it was an SSA guy’s dream, being close friends with ten straight guys. I ended up living with many of these guys for five years, some of the greatest years of my life. We...

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Finding Freedom on Father’s Day

What a way to start my Father’s Day. I mean, I can think of worse ways. Balloons could have gotten caught in the ceiling fan above my bed and mimicked the sounds of machine guns as they whirled around wildly. However, I can’t say that this text lay too far ahead in the lineup. As I rolled over to silence my alarm, I glanced at my new messages. A text on my phone. From my dad. I didn’t read it right away. For one, my eyes weren’t awake enough to function. And secondly, I didn’t want to wake up...

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Giving My Kids the Sex Talk

Daddy, how are babies made? I was sitting on my living room floor with my three kids while my wife was out when my six-year-old daughter asked me this question. There was no real motivation for it — simply a thought that had popped into her mind. Nevertheless, I think she had been wondering about it for a while, and I didn’t want to simply dismiss it. My sons, ages four and three, played beside me and listened as I answered the question. “Well,” I started, “do you remember what I told you before about sex?” Several months earlier,...

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Male Nudity Will Fix Me

I’ve written about my childhood fascination with nudity and how it led me into the nudist world, making me act out my sexual insecurities. I’d go even deeper into the world of nudism, thinking it’d be the solution to my problems. While I did have a strongly sexual fascination with male nudity, I figured it was a conundrum. What if I did partake in male nudity in a non-sexual setting? What if I could make my nudist desires feel more normal and less of a sexual fantasy? I figured partaking in mutual nudity with other men as much as...

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What Every SSA Guy Needs

His question was an honest one. No ill intentions, no wild presuppositions. Simply put: a curiosity stemming from lack of education. More in passing than direct, a side statement within a side statement. But it was still a question. And it had to be answered. Why do SSA guys need strong male friendships? My friend Mick made this question in passing, his phrasing more akin to: “I’ve heard SSA guys are more in need of strong male friendships.” Perhaps I just turned his words into a question because I needed to answer it; doing so would allow me to point out,...

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Discovering the Heart of My Nudist Desires

In the first installment of this series, I described the beginnings of my long and complicated relationship with nudity. Entering high school, my love/hate relationship with nudity became more complicated . . . I grew fascinated by the thought of naked men and being naked with them but also terrified at the same time. My parents actually encouraged me not to fear nakedness in the locker room. They half-jokingly told me how they’d had to shower in high school after gym class, and that while embarrassing at first, you get used to it.This didn’t calm my nerves, though: being...

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Questioning My Friend’s Sexuality

This is my third post featuring the wild ride of my friendship with Jake. Check out Part 1 and Part 2. After Jake started trusting me, he opened up and shared his inner thoughts and difficult past experiences. I began to wonder if he was same-sex attracted when he talked about not having a girlfriend. Jake told me that he wondered if some of his issues with girls were connected with a past experience he’d had with a guy: he told me he’d once been drunk at a party when an older gay guy started paying attention to him....

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When We Pray Together

I remember the first time I told anyone outside my family about my same-sex attraction. A friend suggested we go and talk with a couple of guys from the church I’d just started attending. I was a nervous wreck thinking about it for a couple days. But it was so good to confess and talk about my struggle! It went better than I could have imagined. The thing that stands out most in my memory from that night is that we prayed before we left. I often think about the Scripture that says: Confess your sins one to another, and...

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Avoiding the Mistakes of my Parents

“Ready for bed, darling?” I call out to my daughter. With my wife out of town, it’s just me and my girl tonight. We’ve already hung out most of the day, watched some shows, and enjoyed dinner with my friend, now ready to finish out the day. My daughter responds with a sleepy sigh. You’re definitely ready for bed, I think to myself as she’s practically asleep in my arms. I hate waking her too much, so I pick her up and take her to her bedroom. As I lay her down, I whisper my usual prayer over her. My prayer...

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