In the first installment of this series, I described the beginnings of my long and complicated relationship with nudity. Entering high school, my love/hate relationship with nudity became more complicated . . .
I grew fascinated by the thought of naked men and being naked with them but also terrified at the same time.
My parents actually encouraged me not to fear nakedness in the locker room. They half-jokingly told me how they’d had to shower in high school after gym class, and that while embarrassing at first, you get used to it.
This didn’t calm my nerves, though: being naked in front of my classmates.
This didn’t calm my nerves, though: being naked in front of my classmates.
My worries were ultimately for naught, as I’d find out we were never made to shower at my middle and high school. School showering had basically gone extinct.
Around the age of thirteen, my parents got the family fast internet. One can assume how this would end for a budding thirteen-year-old, getting fast internet for the first time.
One day out of curiosity, I googled the phrase “naked men,” and I got more than I bargained for. I came across some of the most rancid gay porn, mostly oral sex. I never knew oral sex was even a thing; horrified by what I saw, I nearly puked.
I learned to navigate my way around the porn for more simple images of naked men. Unfortunately, my parents noticed my Google search history, and I got in trouble.
I managed to lie my way out of the situation, saying I was simply curious what the male body looks like after puberty. My parents bought it, but their firm warning never to do it again didn’t ground me any less.
I did it again. And again. And again.
When I saw these men, many abstract thoughts and feelings ran through my head. Thoughts like:
Wow, he’s letting the whole world see him!
Wow, he also has a penis and it looks kind of like mine!
Wow, he’s being totally vulnerable; I want to be like that or be vulnerable with him!
Ultimately, these feelings led to arousal and eventually masturbation.
I’d find another way to get my jollies and entertain my fascination with nudity while avoiding porn: nudist sites.
I found thousands of videos and pictures of naked men with no erotic or pornographic subtext, all doing activities “normal” clothed people would do: playing tennis, swimming, running triathlons, partying, watching movies, etc. Just about anything clothed people would do but with considerably more bouncing and jiggling! There were even news-type shows where naked interviewers interviewed other nudists about how much freedom they’d found in the lifestyle.
I even found Christian nudists talking about how non-sexual nudity was like going back to the Garden of Eden, celebrating God’s design of our bodies. I was hooked, and I wanted to be like that.
I wanted guys I could interact naked with, minus any erotic subtext or activities … while still getting my jollies on the side.
But what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, right?
I didn’t have any close friends, but I wanted a taste of this vulnerability. Even if it was on my own.
What better place to try out nudism than at the local park? A densely forested park with dirt trails looked perfect. When I arrived, I checked the parking lots to make sure I was clear. Then I entered the park, stripped down, and walked long stretches of the trails in nothing but my tennis shoes.
It was quite an adrenaline rush. Being naked outdoors is quite different than being naked in your own bathroom.
I wish I could say I only got naked to feel total freedom — and while that was partly the case, I still got a strong sexual thrill out of it. One could say I was an exhibitionist, but I wanted to do this privately without any hikers seeing me.
Needless to say, getting naked outdoors was very risky; thankfully, I was never caught. I was addicted, though, and I couldn’t stop myself from going back to that park time and again.
Why was I doing this? I was in high school and had no friends, never any close friends growing up. This bizarre calling often feels birthed from a deep need.
I wanted other men to see me and know every part of me. To see that I have a penis which shows that I’m a man. To see every part and imperfection and not be judged and still be loved.
I want God to see every part of me and love me, too.
I’d always enjoyed those old-fashioned images of boy friendships: skinny dipping at the old swimmin’ hole, goofing off in the showers after gym class, or maybe even going streaking on a dare. I’d longed for friends and brothers to join on such activities, but I’d never had it.
My nudist desires have never been entirely sexual. I’ve long known that it comes from a deep desire for intimacy. To be known fully as a man by other men.
Despite my butt-naked exploits on the trail, I was not done with the nudist world.
And it was not done with me.
To be continued . . .
Have you ever felt fixated or addicted by nudity or nudist culture? Or does nudity among other men not appeal to you?
About the Author
My nudist phase began when I was about eleven. It was in the shower at summer camp. It was here that I got my first erection (that I remember). I got out as quickly as I could, with soap in my hair. Few people saw, but I was still labeled a faggot. I didn’t even know what that meant.
I was still enamored with the thought of nudity, being seen and seeing others. No one heard of the internet yet, so had to rely on seeing others nude by spending the night. I wanted to see my best friend naked, but it never happened.
The first time I daw one was about the time I was getting pubic hair. I told my younger cousin who was curious and wanted to see. So I let him. He was impressed and undressed for me. We always undressed for each other after that which unfortunately lead to our experiments with gay sex.
Pictures or it didn’t happen.
Oh Kevin…. then again, my butt would look great plastered all over YOB!
“Then I entered the park, stripped down, and walked long stretches of the trails in nothing but my tennis shoes.”
I must say you were certainly brazen. No judgment brother. Only time I was ever so brave was my skinny dipping beach retreat at nighttime, of course. Felt a little like an exibitionist myself.
There were moments in my life I did get fixated by nudity not so much nudist culture. When I was younger I came across a Tarzan film that sent my impressionable self rather over the edge. I saw this masculine he-man character wearing little more than a loincloth fighting his enemies and protecting the innocent. Much like a primitive superhero that I wanted to emulate. The male envy kicked in and I began wearing nothing, but shorts around the house for a short period. At the time my body was undergoing puberty and I started sleeping in the nude for a brief spell. That was until I discovered masturbation as an insomnia remedy. Nudist culture interest didn’t start much later like 10 years ago as I came across an article talking about a nudist club locally operating. I did reach out to their representative, but got cold feet in the end. Male nudity is very conditional with me. I do find it appealing perhaps envious to see well fit male bodies naked and vulnerable, yet I am drawn to go deeper to find out what type of man they are as to their personality and character. To delve into whether they have inner beauty. I’ve gotten naked with guys on more than one occasion and I have to say getting to know them internally mitigates any sexual or carnal appetites I have towards them. I tend to get drawn to guys who may not be super attractive externally by the world’s superficial standards. However, they possess other intrinsic qualities that appeal to me and I want me to be their friend, not their lover.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who found loincloths interesting, though not necessarily in a sexual/fetish-y way. I grew up in Canada, and was always intrigued by the way the BSA, unlike BSC, encouraged dress-up in breechcloths and so-forth, and began to explore old “hobby Indian” books, and making breechcloths to wear. I had some really attractive friends, and wished for a long time that I could share this part of my life (loincloth interest) with them, but I never did.
There was something about the freedom, connection, and humility I associated with wearing loincloths, that I really wanted to share with my friends, so I imagined plenty of camping-trips and campfire-nights, that would lead to such intimacy between us that we would end up in the buff. It never happened, and it wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I discovered primitive living-skills camps, where attractive guys, and not-so-attractive guys could live that back-to-nature lifestyle I hoped would deepen friendships, though I never figured out a way to meet guys who experienced SSA AND were into primitive skills–seemed that every guy who was into the hobby was OSA, and rather a homophobe.
(Sorry, the mention of Tarzan films spurred memories of my own loincloth fascination. I wanted to enjoy nakedness with my classmates, up until junior-high, when I started putting-on weight, and was frustrated by the lack of a wrestling team at my schools–I always liked the idea of being a wrestler…)
Not a problem Brian. Your post also rekindled some old childhood memories of my summer camp days with the BSA. My first exposure to breechcloths was worn by the BSA staff running the summer camp during a nightly ceremony. My gut reaction was “Whoa, these guys are naked under these vests and breechcloths!” When I reviewed my BSA manual (circa 1979 ed.) it had a small section on primitive camping as you mentioned and showed pictures of guys wearing just breechcloths and not much else. They also seemed to be “camping” like they were living the lifestyle of Native Americans. Needless to say I won’t get into a discussion about “cultural appropriation” of Native Americans. I was mesmerized by the staff being so open and vulnerable in their style of dress wearing little more than a small vest and two cloths each the size of a handkerchief for below the waist. Quite the experience and a bit envious of them in the end.
Alas, in Canada, “cultural appropriation” is too-readily tossed about, especially where the First Nations are concerned. If only they understood that admiration, and the resulting inspiration, isn’t appropriation.
I personally don’t wish to infringe on our Native Americans as to their traditions. Additionally I do admire their culture and want to be open minded and appreciate their noble heritage. If given the chance, I would like to learn about them more through their people.
Hey, sounds like my teen years. I actually made a breechcloth and leggings (not buckskin unfortunately) and I liked to wander around our back woods in it. I wasn’t as carefree as I would’ve liked, because the neighbor kids occasionally wandered back there too (none my age) but thankfully never ran into them. It was fun, but I always wanted a friend I could do it with.
I wish there had been a way to meet others who shared the interest.
Me too. Heck, I wish there was a way I could connect to local Christian brothers now who can relate with SSA. Since finding YOB I’ve been realizing how great it would be to have a friend close by who I can be open with.
I understand. The next best thing is to become a Yobber.
Most of the SSA people have these desires because their sexual desires are not met. Straight people who have regular sex with wives or partners, they satesfy these desires during their sexual intercourse. If they (osa) didnot have their urges satisfied, they would have the same nudist desires as SSA people have.
So the problem is unmet / unsatisfied desires. When a person gets naked at least twice in a week with another person who touches him and has sex with, will have not this endless nudist desires as we, SSA people have. It is as simple as 2+2=4. It does not need profound philosophical digging.
George, you’ve commented quite a bit about the causation of SSA. It’s a losing conversation, as we all have our theories. Let’s focus instead on the content matter and storytelling rather than endless debating. Our community works better with stories.
Well, am I only one who may mention any issue twice? And the story was about nudity wasn’t it? So I wrote what I think- causations of nudist desires.!that’s it. Tell me openly if you don’t want me to post different views from yours and I won’t.
Heh–I resemble that remark. Shortly after I fully entered puberty I discovered a fascination with being naked outside, yet terrified I’d be discovered. My family, who had never given me or my sibs any encouragement to such displays, lived on a heavily wooded lot, but the property incorporated and lay adjacent to the power line strip that ran through the neighborhood, such that there was a mile or so of undeveloped deforested land populated mostly by high underbrush and rock and flanked closely by dense woods. A teen-aged naturist’s dream! On my more daring forays, I would “wander” back to the corner of our property, strip off while still in the woods, and leave my clothes behind while I dashed into the underbrush (with care, of course) and communed with nature. The sun feels amazing on your skin, and the adrenaline and testosterone merge into exhilaration. But at 15 a guy’s pretty trigger-happy and is easily overstimulated, with the expected consequence. Then it was a heart-in-throat sneak back to where I’d left clothing and inhibitions behind. To this day, being naked outside remains a thrill, rarely indulged. I doubt I’d ever have the guts to do what you were able to, Eugene. But my heart echoes your words–world, see me being a man, affirm this is how I was created. God, be glorified by your creation.
My wife and I have a favorite hike near the coast. It ends with a rocky outcrop right beside the Pacific where otters like to play. We read Faulkner and Helprin there and take in the sun. After reading this thread a couple of weeks back. I noticed that the trail could be clearly seen for a quarter of a mile in each direction. So I can enjoy a nudist romp on the rocks and then a good part of the hike back without endangering children or sickening other hikers. We really should be doing other hikes more frequently as they are more challenging and better promote fitness, but this hike has been the go to one lately. Last Saturday I called out to our otter friend, “If this disturbs you, you can blame Euguene. Send all complaints to YOB.”
I definitely wasn’t as obsessed with nudist activities as being free and vulnerable with other guys as you said. I had my fair share of looking up different things I could do naked outside without getting caught. It never really satisfied me though. It always came back to wanting to be with other men naked. I’ve always wanted that without fully knowing that that is what I’ve wanted for so long. Of course this turned into an unhealthy outlet of porn. There never seemed to be any videos that I could find of men just hanging out naked together doing normal things. It would always turn sexual. Because of this I also gave in to the sexualness of porn without even really wanting it.
Yeah, the reason I looked up nudist stuff was because it was supposed to be about nudity with no sexual activities occurring. I literally could not find any other place that had this without it being sexual. But even though I was looking up videos of naked people with no sexual activity occurring, it was still sexual for me. The fact that it wasn’t sexual made it sexual as bizarre as that sounds. But its not an entirely sexual thing for me though. I feel like wanting to be naked with men though has a strong non sexual side of it for me because its like a platonic physical act of intimacy and vulnerability to form connections.
I totally agree man. Even though it’s sexual it’s not sexual. To be honest though, I’m not even sure that’s what would satisfy my desires, I’ve just heard from largely this site that it has worked for a lot of people. I’ve never been able to have true freedom and vulnerability and intimacy with another human. It makes sense to me so I want to try it if I ever get the chance, but I obviously want to not be weird about it also. I just want a naturally intimate relationship.
Yeah even though I’ve had some healthy experiences being non sexually naked with others I can say I don’t really feel totally “satisfied” at least not yet since I haven’t had a ton. But then again, I’m not sure anything will leave me entirely satisfied except what I get from God. Still, I feel like those experiences were very helpful and beneficial. Feel free to shoot me an email and I can get into some of the details plus I’d like to hear some more of your story as well.
Alright cool. I emailed you.
Just found this blog recently but I had to reply too because everything said here relates to me so much! Wish I could have brothers to share these kinds of experiences with.
Glad you found us, Jay! Make yourself at home.
Alex, you’re not alone. I’m married with kids, and I’m happy with my sex life, so I’ve always been a little weirded out by this itch I can’t scratch. Like, shouldn’t my relationship with my wife be enough for this kind of thing? It’s been amazing since finding YOB pretty recently starting to figure this stuff out, and there may actually be rational explanations, and that there’s other guys as *weird* as I am. It’s also led to more of a longing for it-I’ve never had quite as deep of a male friendships as I’d like. I’ve just been trying to trust that God is enough, and while these desires may not be bad, whether I ever actually get the opportunity is up to Him.
Personally, I’ve always wanted to hang out at the beach with my friends all in speedos. Like you’re saying, not anything sexual, just guy horsing around time, play volleyball or whatever. Skinny-dipping too.
Agreed Asher. Thanks for the openness. That’s so funny I’ve wanted to do the speedo thing too with friends. You’re speaking my language man. I love volleyball.
I appreciate your comments. I can totally relate. I don’t respond too much on here because I’m better one on one, but feel free to email me too if you like.
I’m not sure how to email you. Sorry
Count me in on hanging out in speedos and volleyball. Lol.
Totally can relate to the speedo-thing with friends. Sorry for the late reply as I just found this weksbite.
Totally can relate! Just male bonding. Have you ever experienced anything like that before? I think it is something I sexualize, but can be utilized with healthy male bonding.
Same here. Looking up “videos (or pics) of naked people with no sexual activity occurring” it’s like I start getting aroused and then I’m like “stop that, I don’t want the sexual part, just the open and free part.”
Not trying to find any universal cause. Just want to share my story about what I think contributed to my SSA and nud
ity fixation, and find who identifies.
Two generalizations (which means there are exceptions and varying degrees) Males need:
Fatherly love, affection, approval, and affirmation, including body self-image
Male friendships, including non-sexual touch
My dad never went shirtless. Don’t know why, he had 3 brothers, wasn’t out of shape or anything. But that made me think that it was somehow taboo. I wanted to go shirtless, especially when other guys did, but in my teens both going shirtless and seeing others my age got me going pretty well, which caused a lot of guilt. I think if my dad had been ok with it, it wouldn’t have ever been a big deal. I didn’t get much on that fatherly list from my dad. He wasn’t a bad father, no temper to speak of, not abusive, had good qualities to emulate. But he didn’t bother (or didn’t know how) to form any connections. I’m 32 and the best I can describe our relationship is business colleagues. How does this relate to SSA and nudity? Body image is a big one for me. I’m pretty vain and insecure about my attractiveness (despite my wife assuring me I have nothing to worry about) but while her admiration puts me on top of the world, I feel the need for it from a male source too (not necessarily sexually). I think our fathers are supposed to provide a lot of that confidence and self-esteem as it relates to body-image. Many cultures include same-sex family bathing. Eugene (I think it was his article) has said he was curious about seeing his Dad naked. There’s a vulnerability and closeness about being naked that goes hand-in hand with emotional closeness. There’s also seldom been a time or place in world history that frowns on same-sex nudity quite as much as modern America. I think the lack of relationship with my father caused me to seek that closeness from others, both in friendship and shared nudity. But being a hormonal teenager when dealing with it all, it also got sexualized. I know these ideas have been tossed around on here other places, partly I’m writing for myself, partly to connect with people who can relate. I’ll write another post about the friendship and touch needs, unless someone wants to tell me I talk too much. 😉 God bless!
It all makes perfect sense to me, Asher, and I identify with all of it. You don’t talk too much. Keep at it.
Thanks MI and Eddy. I sometimes tend to be long-winded, and I’m a bit self-conscious about it. I guess that post wasn’t too long though.
We’re here to share our stories Asher. You don’t talk too much and please do keep sharing. What I have been taught in studying the human condition is “people are funny.” To me it means people are amazingly diverse and this is certainly true when it comes to different generations of people (children of the Depression, baby boomers, Gen X, millenials, etc.). Each generation is influenced by the culture they grew up in and this same culture worked to shape the values of its members. Your view is understandably not the same as your father’s. Same goes for my father as well. I want to be happy in my job while my dad is more concerned with how much money I make. I concur with you that fathers are supppse to play a crucial role in any child’s development, yet how and where they place that importance can vary. In my case, I needed more male affection and affirmation from my dad, but he valued just simply being a good provider (and he was). I tend not to fault my father for being who he is intrinsically. I too tried to seek out male affirmation and the like from others although nothing ever came to true fruition. At this stage of my life (44 y/o), I simply try to garner what I can in the way of relationships with both God and my fellow other brothers.
Hi Asher! I agree with a lot of what you said. There’s nothing inherently wrong with same sex nudity but like you said modern America seems to be the culture that has stigmatized it as taboo when it didn’t use to be. I will say you must be confusing my article with someone else’s as I never had much curiosity about seeing my Dad naked. Other than that, I think you hit the nail on the head a lot there.
Sorry about that Eugene! Thanks for the feedback and the correction. I swear I’ve read half the content of YOB since I found it three weeks ago, I guess my memory’s not as good as I thought.
Odd, in that I’ve never considered male shirtlessness all that remarkable. There are many men with very handsome and well-proportioned torsos, and I particularly admire a tight, flat belly and narrow waist, but that’s as far as it goes.
Thanks for sharing Asher! I’m also 32 btw. Totally agree with the ‘male needs’ you write about. My father like yours wasn’t a bad father, but also didn’t pour out his love or affirmation. I find most of my SSA desires stem from desiring male touch and intimate friendships – something I’ve realized I haven’t had in depth most of my life. Like you, my wife affirms me of my good looks, but that doesn’t meet the need of male affirmation – I think masculinity needs affirmation from the masculine.
Rather than struggling with my body-image, I’ve always been (privately) confident, even obsessed, with my own attractiveness. I’m only beginning now to understand that that obsession stems from my desire to accepted and recognized as masculine. As if my attractive face and body proved my masculinity and value, despite my insecurities with my inner-person. I became, and sometimes still am, obsessed with other men affirming my outer beauty because I was so insecure about my inner-masculinity. I tried (unsuccessfully) finding non-sexual cuddle buddies, etc., but have realized, like you said, I need this non-sexual touch in the context of deep male friendship – something I’m still learning to seek out and build. Anyways, thanks for your post – glad to be apart of the YOB’s community together! 🙂
Thanks for the response! Hey, it sounds like we would have a lot to talk about, are you on Facebook? Or if I know you’ll be on to get it I’ll leave my email on here then delete it when you have it. Let me know!
Yeah, I agree. I saw your previous comment with your name – so I’ll send you a message on FB. Brad is just my pseudonym, but I’ll send you the secret code so you know it’s me. 😉
I must say, YOB covers even the more “delicate” topics of this uncommon journey, quite well!
First admission… I looked for this specific topic, wondering if anyone had been brave enough to bring up the nudity issue here for discussion yet. Second admission… I enjoyed Eugene’s openness about it, identifying with most of what he shared to a great degree, and all of what he shared to at least some degree.
Non-sexual shared nudity, to me, is the ultimate human expression of “vulnerability” and “openness” with someone else. And when it is shared with another guy (a close friend), I find that there is a powerful bond of a deeper level of trust that is formed.
Most guys who’ve never dealt with the SSA issues that we all have, seem to take this all in stride, and never notice any of the deeper levels of male-bonding that are involved. I mean, “guys” aren’t supposed to pay attention to stuff like that when they are naked together… right? Yeah, well, whatever. But I get it that most of us who feel the voids we have, probably do realize it… a lot!
Cut to the chase… So there is a county park at a lake, just over an hour from me, where adult-only public nudity is completely legal. And I longed to experience it myself.
Before I went (yes, of course I eventually went), one of the things I wanted the experience to be was completely non-sexual. Personally speaking, that’s code for “I don’t want to get an erection while I’m there.” I was pretty in-toich with the voids I felt inside, and the personal “whys” I felt in “needing” this experience for myself. And the deeper masculine confidence, camaraderie and acceptance that Eugene touched upon is all a huge part of that.
So, I went… and in no time at all, I too was “hooked.” To repeat Eugene’s sentiment… What a rush!
I kept to myself that first time, and did a lot of soul-searching and (if I may say so without offending) talking to God to be sure that my heart was in the right place in what I was experiencing there. But the Holy Spirit did not convict my heart about any of it.
The next time I went, I longed to interact with someone for all of the same reasons I previously mentioned. That same day, I was solicited in the park by a guy who obviously had something more in mind. I tried to be gracious, and simply walked away. “That is not why I came here.”
Then my path crossed with a guy named Kyle. He was exercising, climing up and down the rocky banks, preparing to go and climb Mount Fugiyama, Japan, of all things! I know all of this because I ended up walking with him up and down those rocks for well over an hour, just the two of us talking about seemingly “normal” things and getting to know each other… and the only “odd” thing by stereotypically “Christian” standards was that we were both butt naked as we walked together. Wow… what an awesome experience that was! And no erections… no unwanted thoughts. Just two guys who chose to share the experience of it.
I’ve not seen Kyle again since then, and he probably doesn’t even realize the enrichment that he deposited into me that day, simply by “allowing” me that male interaction experience, and the openness of the conversation we shared… all while completely naked, with the exception of our shoes.
I’ve been to that park a total of five times, counting the first time, and it really is an enjoyable experience for me.
Now I guess I shouldn’t throw all caution to the wind either. My wife (yes, I’m married) is not comfortable with me going to a nudist park, and does not like the idea in the least. But it was something I needed for my journey, and I’d probably go again and again, given the opportunity to do so.
And my final caution is a biblical one. Paul warned us never to allow any “freedom” we find in Christ to become a stumbling block to someone else. And so I’d also caution my Other Brothers here not to easily view my experience as “license” to immediately go out and do likewise. We all have to be constantly aware of where we are within our own individual journeys, and we have to sleep peacefully with ourselves every night as well. So, keep your eyes on Christ, first and foremost if you have in mind to try anything like this for yourself. It may be that it would be a reckless decision for some of us, in our own journeys with Christ.
http://www.beyondtheshadesofgray.org
Thank you so much for sharing your story Dean! Very fascinating to hear that you had similar stories yourself. I’ve noticed exhibitionism and nudism are common amongst SSA men both side A and side B which I thought would be interesting to discuss. And yeah, one thing I will get into later in my story is that I don’t think SSA men MUST partake in nude experiences or anything. Odds are there are some that would find it too triggering which I would understand. All of our stories are very similar but come in different shapes and colors.
Eugene, you’ve inspired me. Recently I’ve had some amazing outdoor naked experiences while traveling abroad. If anyone is interested, I can try to describe what occurred. But you’re right–what a great rush it gave me, and I’ll be looking for similar experiences back in the States.
[…] may have mentioned once or twice (okay, so in a five-part series) that I’ve long had a thing with nudity. It’s been a long and […]
[…] about how my same-sex attraction (SSA) brought about an obsession with nudity, leading me down nudism paths which ultimately led me down many unhealthy […]
[…] about my childhood fascination with nudity and how it led me into the nudist world, making me act out my sexual insecurities. I’d go even deeper into the world of nudism, thinking it’d be the solution to my […]
Sorry for the late reply as I just found this website. I can totally relate to this post. During my puberty years, I was fascinated with body image and very self-conscious about my own. I used to hide in my room and put on things which may have accentuated my body just to see how it feels. I was in major need for male affirmation and unfortunately, started looking online at images of men who I believed were men, not in a sexual way. I very much resonate with the post and the below comments with the desire to be bonding with men in a non-sexual way (speedo comment below). I never actually went out in public (even though I had the desire to), but definetely did “nudist” things in the comfort of my room and still do today.
However, one thought I have is that can it be misconstruced as exhibitionism and the wanting for others to see and affirm you. Do you find that to be an issue or concern with the need to show off, especially to other men G-d forbid?
Hi JP! No need to apologize for a late reply, all the topics are open for discussion no matter how old they are.
Yeah I would say the sexual side of my nudity urges could be classified as a form of exhibitionism. Not so much in the sense of walking around in public wearing a trench coat and flashing unsuspecting folks. But like when I did my cam sessions there was a massive and unhealthy thrill with exposing my whole body to someone and for them to do the same. That is only the sexual side of things though. I think beneath the sexuality if I get to the core need of just needing to be vulnerable and feel at one with people of my own gender with no sexual aspect involved then I find it very helpful.
I do hear where you are coming from. It is a fetish to be looked at and feel sexualized nude or in skimpy clothing and is something I struggle with. But how can one do this in a healthy way-to feel gratified with one’s body and with other men?
Well I hesitate to use the word “gratified” but I would say that its fulfilling and healing when you do it in a casual non sexual environment like a Korean Spa. And then there’s the personal work which involves making sure you don’t use the experience for masturbation fuel.
This post along with the other posts in this series resonate so loudly with a central aspect of my SSA. I have such deep desires to experience the camaraderie of mutual nudity with brothers in Christ. I’ve rarely been interested in the sexual aspects of male-male nudity and in reflecting my struggles with pornography have realized I have a stronger desire to experience sex with a woman rather than a man. When I dig deep down, it’s really been about wanting to be part of that brotherhood but the enemy has corrupted those desires in my SSA. As I’ve experienced nudity with non-Christians in the locker room or Korean spas I have been able to normalize the experience and slowly dissociate my lustful desires, but there still seems to be a void in my heart because those men were either strangers that would still spark lust because I have no connection to them or non-Christian friends that probably just see me as a closeted or self-hating gay man. As I’ve read through your posts, Eugene, I feel so encouraged and hopeful that one day God would hear the pure roots of my desires and I will spiritually be in a place where I can have the same experience with Christian brothers and be full of love rather than lust!
This post resonates so much with me! I grew up in a home and culture where modesty reigned and nudity was sinful. I was never an athlete growing up, so I didn’t have many experiences to be naked in locker rooms around other guys. I rarely saw my dad or brother naked. But I was always curious about it. My college dorm had communal showers. I was scared to death of those at first. Wrestling with SSA attraction at the time, I was sure that the communal showers would lead to my demise. But I quickly discovered it was no big deal. For many years, I was a closet nudist – only naked when I was home alone or in hotel rooms when I traveled for work. I discovered Korean spas and began to experience the joys of simply relaxing naked with other men in a non-sexual environment. About five years ago, I decided to explore social nudism a bit more. Finally visited a couple of nude beaches, I’ve done some naked hiking and camping, and I even have a few nudist friends now. It’s been such a rewarding journey. Not only has it helped me grow more comfortable in my own skin, it’s also helped my identity. I know longer wrestle with SSA. I realize that much of what I actually desire, so much of my unmet needs, aren’t really sexual. It’s really more about a desire for masculine intimacy. As you put it, it’s about “being known fully as a man by other men.” I’m not an exhibitionist. I get no sexual thrill out of being naked in front of others. However, it’s a very special thing to be casually naked with other men. It’s a degree of comfort and trust and vulnerability that I’ve never experienced. I now consider myself to be somewhat of an opportunistic social nudist. Thanks for writing so eloquently about your own journey and experiences.