All these ups and downs often caused me emotional pain. I had to take risks rather than stay safe and comfortable. My SSA made me feel weak and ineffective around all these straight guys. These painful things tested my friendship with James, too.
I have a fetish, and I've had one for about as long as I can remember. I have a "thing" that, in itself, isn't quite sexual in nature. But I fetishize that thing. I idolize it a lot, fantasizing for this thing, turning what was never meant to be sexualized on a dial that was never meant to be dialed.
What started that night was three years of an unchecked porn addiction. I never felt guilty. I don't know why. Perhaps because I felt like I wasn't hurting anyone?
As addicts often do, Jake used my older friend Jeremy's sexuality to manipulate him.
It was an SSA guy’s dream, being close friends with ten straight guys. We had our ups and downs, but our community shared a deep intimacy.
My nudist desires have never been entirely sexual. I've long known that it comes from a deep desire for intimacy. To be known fully as a man by other men.
Inwardly my friend seemed to be bravely fighting something. Maybe drugs and alcohol were just his misguided way of fighting whatever his inner baggage was.
His confessions showed me the actual similarities between his substance abuse and my same-sex attractions.
I lost my sexual sobriety because I went in search of shortcuts to intimacy with other men. I knew it wouldn't satisfy. Just like all the other times.
Remembering the way his parents had taught him to follow Jesus Christ, he had a prodigal son moment and spent over an hour crying to God for forgiveness.