Earlier this week, I told the story of a Google search that led to an anonymous blogging brotherhood of same-sex attracted Christians. Today I thought I’d post my first blog from that old community — word-for-word.
It’s crazy reading this seven years later. Reading me. To see my growth as a writer, my growth as a human.
It was tempting to go back and edit — both the grammar and the content itself. How I wish the feelings and circumstances would have been different then.
But without the past, we have no future. We either let the past keep us in chains, or the past props us up, prods us forward, pushes us to greater heights.
So much has happened in the last seven years, and I don’t ever want to forget the man I once was. So, here it is: my first Xanga post as TwoBeckonings, dated October 23, 2008.
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So here I am. Hey there, World. I have another Xanga out there…somewhere…but the “glory days” of using it are long gone, never to return probably. I’ve really missed blogging. Hardcore blogging. Blogging that truly digs into the confusing thoughts inside my head and churns them into somewhat understandable pieces. Pieces that I can definitely appreciate, and pieces I hope have a positive effect on at least someone out there. Anywhere. As I said though, the joy of blogging with my other Xanga site is almost nonexistent. I still blog there on occasion, but I honestly don’t know how many readers I have these days. I don’t think I wanna know. It’d probably depress me too much.
So that brings me to this Xanga site. A new Xanga site. I’ll admit, I do this little experiment with a little hesitation, a little pessimism. A little anxiety. Because I want so badly for this Xanga site to be totally unlike my other one. Yeah I’d like actual readers again, but the purpose of this site goes far beyond the number of people who click onto here. It goes into the content of what I write. For in my other site…I lie. I hold back. I don’t declare to the world my deepest, darkest secret. I tuck it in tightly with all my might. And nobody has a clue.
Nobody out there knows of my struggles with homosexuality. Same-sex attraction. SSA. Whatever fancy name you’d like to call it. Bottom line: I struggle with it. Big time. Really badly. I’m currently 21 years old, and I know I’ve been struggling with these feelings for at LEAST ten years. Probably a little longer. Over the past decade-plus, I’ve had my good days; I’ve had wretched days. And lately, for whatever reason, my thoughts and feelings have swirled so mightily around me. I honestly can’t think of a time in my life when I struggled with this stuff so horribly more than now. Just about every waking moment of my days is consumed – utterly consumed – by the thoughts I have toward other men. Men whom I know, men whom I don’t know. I won’t describe the details of these thoughts, but yeah, they can get somewhat graphic. It tears me to shreds. Without fail.
So with all these bombarding thoughts and emotions, the other night I just had to do something. I decided to search on the internet for something. No, thankfully nothing like that. Just anything that might-possibly-could help. It didn’t take me long to come across some blogrings on Xanga that actually centered upon this type of struggle. And so there was born the idea of creating a second Xanga strictly dedicated to this fight I’m in. I still absolutely love to blog, and I’m hoping this blogging experience will be far richer, far deeper, far darker, far more enlightening and rewarding. As I said, it might just be another failed experiment in the making. Another piece of junk to throw into the trashcan of my failures. But I gotta try something. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope in so many ways right now. I just gotta try something…
If you’re out there reading this, first of all thanks for listening. It really does mean a lot. I just can’t bring myself to “coming out” of this SSA closet by sharing this with anyone I know in my life yet. I’m still so confused about all of this. So yeah, it most definitely means a lot if you’re out there reading right now. I hope you’ll come back now and then as I randomly insert my thoughts here and there. Feel free to leave me a comment if you’d like. I’d definitely appreciate it.
Torn between two beckonings,
What’s a low point from your past that’s prompted your future journey?
* Photo courtesy joelgoldstein, Creative Commons.