Earlier this week, I told the story of a Google search that led to an anonymous blogging brotherhood of same-sex attracted Christians. Today I thought I’d post my first blog from that old community — word-for-word.
It’s crazy reading this seven years later. Reading me. To see my growth as a writer, my growth as a human.
It was tempting to go back and edit — both the grammar and the content itself. How I wish the feelings and circumstances would have been different then.
But without the past, we have no future. We either let the past keep us in chains, or the past props us up, prods us forward, pushes us to greater heights.
So much has happened in the last seven years, and I don’t ever want to forget the man I once was. So, here it is: my first Xanga post as TwoBeckonings, dated October 23, 2008.
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So here I am. Hey there, World. I have another Xanga out there…somewhere…but the “glory days” of using it are long gone, never to return probably. I’ve really missed blogging. Hardcore blogging. Blogging that truly digs into the confusing thoughts inside my head and churns them into somewhat understandable pieces. Pieces that I can definitely appreciate, and pieces I hope have a positive effect on at least someone out there. Anywhere.
As I said though, the joy of blogging with my other Xanga site is almost nonexistent. I still blog there on occasion, but I honestly don’t know how many readers I have these days. I don’t think I wanna know. It’d probably depress me too much.
So that brings me to this Xanga site. A new Xanga site. I’ll admit, I do this little experiment with a little hesitation, a little pessimism. A little anxiety. Because I want so badly for this Xanga site to be totally unlike my other one.
Yeah I’d like actual readers again, but the purpose of this site goes far beyond the number of people who click onto here. It goes into the content of what I write. For in my other site…I lie. I hold back. I don’t declare to the world my deepest, darkest secret. I tuck it in tightly with all my might. And nobody has a clue.
Nobody out there knows of my struggles with homosexuality. Same-sex attraction. SSA. Whatever fancy name you’d like to call it. Bottom line: I struggle with it. Big time. Really badly. I’m currently 21 years old, and I know I’ve been struggling with these feelings for at LEAST ten years. Probably a little longer. Over the past decade-plus, I’ve had my good days; I’ve had wretched days.
And lately, for whatever reason, my thoughts and feelings have swirled so mightily around me. I honestly can’t think of a time in my life when I struggled with this stuff so horribly more than now. Just about every waking moment of my days is consumed – utterly consumed – by the thoughts I have toward other men. Men whom I know, men whom I don’t know.
I won’t describe the details of these thoughts, but yeah, they can get somewhat graphic. It tears me to shreds. Without fail.
So with all these bombarding thoughts and emotions, the other night I just had to do something. I decided to search on the internet for something. No, thankfully nothing like that. Just anything that might-possibly-could help. It didn’t take me long to come across some blogrings on Xanga that actually centered upon this type of struggle.
And so there was born the idea of creating a second Xanga strictly dedicated to this fight I’m in. I still absolutely love to blog, and I’m hoping this blogging experience will be far richer, far deeper, far darker, far more enlightening and rewarding.
As I said, it might just be another failed experiment in the making. Another piece of junk to throw into the trashcan of my failures. But I gotta try something. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope in so many ways right now. I just gotta try something…
If you’re out there reading this, first of all thanks for listening. It really does mean a lot. I just can’t bring myself to “coming out” of this SSA closet by sharing this with anyone I know in my life yet. I’m still so confused about all of this.
So yeah, it most definitely means a lot if you’re out there reading right now. I hope you’ll come back now and then as I randomly insert my thoughts here and there. Feel free to leave me a comment if you’d like. I’d definitely appreciate it.
Torn between two beckonings,
What’s a low point from your past that’s prompted your future journey?
* Photo courtesy joelgoldstein, Creative Commons.
I just loved reading these words from your 21 year old self Mate !!!
The struggle was (and still is of course) very real.
You’re doing incredibly well Tom. Keep journeying well.
Appreciate you, Kev! The journey continues.
Talk about Throw Back Thursday! Geez, I remember reading this way back when. I remember feeling almost the exact same feelings too! Man, things have changed, but all for the better! Knowing you then, and knowing you now, you’ve made a huge improvement! Thanks time for the blast from the past.
I didn’t even think about the #ThrowbackThursday connection. Totally unintentional. Maybe I’ll make this a somewhat regular tradition? But you’re right, Matthew — so much has changed. For the better indeed.
I didn’t start reading your blog on Xanga until much later. I didn’t even get on Xanga until about 2011, I think. I feel like I caught the tail end of a lot of the action that was happening on there. Anyway, it is good to look back sometimes and see how far we’ve come. Good work!
Glad you caught the tail end of our run at least! I always loved going to your Xanga and thinking OH MY GOSH WHAT IS KEVIN GOING TO SAY NEXT.
That’s good to know. I often went on there myself thinking, “Oh my gosh, what am I going to say next?!”
“What’s a low point from your past that’s prompted your future journey?”
That’s a thought-provoking question. At first, I thought there were no really low points. Then I remembered the end of my friendship with Mike. He was a colleague at work who initiated the friendship, which became close. But I fell in love with him, and I think he began to be uncomfortable as I tried to strengthen the relationship. Eventually, he broke off entirely. If you want more details about how it all went, you can head my blogpost about it from seven years ago. http://naturgesetz-takecourage.blogspot.com/2008/11/mike-friendship-destroyed.html
The lesson I drew at the time and have shared with several people in cyberworld is that it’s a major mistake to pursue someone who seems to be putting some distance between the two of you. The relationship can only survive if both people are comfortable in it.
That’s a valid point, I believe, but there’s another lesson to be learned: it is very difficult to establish and maintain a really close friendship when you are in the closet. After Mike, there was only one other friendship which had the potential for becoming really close. That was with another colleague. I had come out to him (one of only two people at work with whom I was out) and I think the fact that he knew and was comfortable with it made it possible for us to be honest about our feelings.*
When you’re in the closet and feel you must stay there, you’re “constantly looking over your shoulder,” as a retreat director once put it, and you have to be guarded even with friends — especially at the beginning and if they might be homophobic. When you’re out — or when you don’t care if people figure it out — you can be your true self and develop meaningful friendships on a solid basis. At this point, it’s still important to me not to be explicitly out, although it doesn’t bother me that there may be some people who have guessed, maybe a lot of them.
*Come to think of it, I now have a friend who lives seven hours away. We met online, where we’re both out, and eventually met in person. It’s a good friendship, and it could become better if we could see each other more often than once a year. This is another example of how it’s easier to develop good friendships when you’re out.
Thanks for sharing your story here. Definitely keep sharing your stories with us here wherever they feel relevant! Eager to learn more.
Wow, I absolutely loved reading this. I wonder what I would’ve thought reading this when I was only a preteen. At that point I hadn’t even acknowledged my struggle or even knew such a thing existed. Eager to hear read your #throwbackthursday posts from Xanga.
I think every low point in my life has propelled me to greater heights or “prompted [my] future journey.” Each time I’ve had a hardship in my life, I’ve pushed myself to get out of it and become stronger, or more resilient. Each failed friendship, as painful as it was, pushed me to be a better friend the next time. Each roadblock on the way to my dreams, as paralyzing and discouraging as it was, eventually motivated me to find a better alternative or break through. I’m so happy you joined Xanga. That was a vital point in all of our own stories, and it’s led us all the way here. No pressure or anything. =)
Looking back on the past sometimes helps us realize how much we have actually grown. I’ve never had or made the time to write/blog but I have a few things from my past that I will occasionally go back and read to help me stay strong. At the lowest point in my life I had begun an email that I intened to send out, in it I outlined the details of what had gotten me to the point I was, and how I didn’t see a way to change that. It was basically a suicide email, and I would say I was probably days away from sending it when I originally wrote it. I don’t remember what propelled me out of that low point other than a best friend that stood by my side encouraging me to seek some sort of help. I still have that email in my drafts, but now have no inteiontion of ever sending it, I do however go back and read it just to remind myself how much progress I have made. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and I have the people that are closest to me to thank for that.
As I read this post from you it reminded me of something I recently saw on FB:
If you FAIL, never give up because F~A~I~L means First Attempt In Learning.
END is not the end. In fact E~N~D means Effort Never Dies.
If you get N~O as an answer remember NO means Next Opportunity.
Thank you for becoming vulnerable and sharing yourself with the world, and helping all of us realize there are so many of us on the same path. Keep forging forward and when you need to, its ok to lean on your brothers.
Good stuff, Andrew! Thanks for sharing your story and words of wisdom. Praise God that suicide email never got sent. So glad to hear you’ve made much progress from that moment.
Hope to see you in these parts again! Thanks for commenting and forging with us.
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