I can remember a time before sex. It was a long time ago, and maybe it’s a little hazy, but I can still remember. There’s no way to count how often I wish I could return to this time before sex.
I wish I could have the awkward talk with my dad or mom or some kind adult.
I wish I could go through puberty again and understand erections and ejaculation.
I wish someone would warn me about masturbation before I discover it on my own and fall into that trap.
And I so wish that someone had been there to throw the computer out the window the first time I ever searched for pornography.
I wish I could forget everything about sex so I could relearn it properly.
God still hasn’t answered my many questions about this — about why He didn’t stop me. I’ve begged and pleaded for a reason, and He has yet to say anything. At least directly.
Occasionally, I’ll hear a peep about this from Him. It’s never big and never complete. But He’ll just give me a nudge about something. He did this recently as I was reading my Bible.
I sat down to read Psalm 119 in full before work. I’ve read this Psalm many times before in one sitting. I’m pretty familiar with its content. But three verses stuck out in a new way.
“It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.” Psalm 119:71
I paused after reading this. Was it really “good” that I fell into masturbation and gay porn at age 11? On the other hand, would I have ever given over my life to Him if I hadn’t needed Him so desperately?
Then I hit the second verse:
“Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get domination over me.” Psalm 119:133
All right, God, this one seems to be too on-point to my life. Over half my life, I have wrestled with everything sex-related, and while I am no longer as in-deep as I used to be, I still, at times, feel dominated by it all. Would a simple prayer really solve this? I have to do something right?
Thirdly, I hit the final verse of the Psalm:
“I have gone astray like a lost sheep; save your servant, for I do not forget your commandments.” Psalm 119:176
And there I am — a sheep wandering where he shouldn’t, knowing he is where he shouldn’t be, and yet he is struggling to find his way back.
I sat back after reading this and sighed. I had a lot of thinking and praying to do. I was encouraged though. Somehow.
My sin brought me to my knees to confess my need for God who gave me access to freedom from my sin. And, even though I still fall, I have a Savior who will always search for me and rescue me when I call on Him.
I can still be free. We all can.
Have you ever cried out to God about the purpose of your struggles, sexual or otherwise? Did you hear from Him? Have you ever wanted to “relearn” an understanding or experience of something?
* Photo courtesy morberg, Creative Commons.