Since this title about sex has pretty much gotten your attention, I’ll let you know this isn’t one of those “clickbait” posts. This one is pretty legit! This is one of the heavy but honest parts of my lifestory. As I said in my first post, I’ll do my best to be honest yet also aware of everyone’s temptations. This subject is very dear to my life and has affected me most of my life.
So, a forewarning: if you know yourself and can’t read a post like this due to temptation, DO NOT READ THIS POST! For those who can, buckle up!
Years ago, I was in love with a Christian guy who was gay or struggling with SSA, however you want to put it. We’d known each other for about a year and went into that space of liking each other and wanting a relationship with each other. But we couldn’t do it because we were worried what everyone else would think.
Thus, we kept our feelings a secret from everyone. Surprising, right?
Anyways, we developed huge emotional dependency with each other. We would talk and talk for hours and days! But as time passed, he grew uninterested in me, and I tried to keep his attention the best I could. Then, the unthinkable happened!
I was going about my schoolwork while living with my family during my very early years of college, and he texted me to confess that he had had full-on anal sex with another guy! Dude, this destroyed me! We tried to talk it out, and I did my best to forgive him, but that thought of having anal sex haunted my mind!
This was back when I was a virgin, and his experience mesmerized me with jealousy. I so wanted to experience what he’d experienced!
For a week, I did my best to keep this sexual thought out of my mind. But because I was so emotionally involved in him, I just couldn’t! I seriously wanted to have that experience, too! This was a STUPID mindset to have, but as one who is very stubborn, I set out to taste his experience for myself. Using the excuse of “He cheated on me, so I’ll cheat on him,” I basically started on the first stepping stone to get what I wanted, having full-on gay sex!
One night while on my computer — the same computer I’m now typing on — I decided to put an ad on a particular website and hook up with a random individual. Within minutes, I received a lot of messages from different guys who would do my bidding! Of course, I had to pick the hottest guy, but the day and time was set!
Did I have time to stop and turn away from what I was doing? Yes. So, why did I go through with it, you ask? Because of my hardheaded stubbornness and a broken heart, that’s why!
The next morning, this guy picked me up from my apartment complex because I didn’t have any transportation. I just told my family I’d been called into work early. Within 15 minutes we arrived at his place, and he invited me inside. Of course I was very nervous, but I just took a deep breath and dealt with what I’d set out to do! I remember his asking me if it was my first time, and I lied to him and said it had been 3 years since my last time.
And then I let my first experience with anal sex be with a 30-year-old man!
Very hard to read? Yeah, I know! Try being on my side!
During and after that shenanigan, my emotions were very different! I felt more … alive? I guess that’s the best I can explain it. Experiencing the physical and emotional effects of sex — dude, I loved it! Unfortunately, this opened the door to my being very promiscuous — or in other words, a man-whore!
Do I regret having sex with another man? In a way, yeah, but what I regret is that it had to be with a random stranger who I wouldn’t see again until years later!
As of today, I don’t have sex as much as I used to, if at all. I’ve “calmed down” a bunch, and I have this self-control within myself to say NO to anyone who wants or tries to hook up with me. I mean, I could still have sex if I wanted to, but now I have no desire to do anything like that. I would say Jesus and the Holy Spirit have had something to do with that change.
But here’s the reason why I loved sex so much and didn’t want to stop: it was because I found out I COULD DO IT.
That’s it! It was simple as that; I can do it!
I’d always put this stigma upon myself. I’d told myself I couldn’t do it — like I would die if I tried to have sex or something. But once I did have sex, that mindset disappeared, and I knew I could do it anytime I wanted. And I took advantage of that!
This was a simplistic mindset, and what I didn’t know were the consequences I’d have to endure in the future.
But I’ll save that for future posts!
Do you guys struggle with sex? Have you experienced hookups like mine before? If you don’t struggle with this anymore, how did you stop?
* Photo courtesy krhphoto, Creative Commons.