Since this title about sex has pretty much gotten your attention, I’ll let you know this isn’t one of those “clickbait” posts. This one is pretty legit! This is one of the heavy but honest parts of my lifestory. As I said in my first post, I’ll do my best to be honest yet also aware of everyone’s temptations. This subject is very dear to my life and has affected me most of my life.

So, a forewarning: if you know yourself and can’t read a post like this due to temptation, DO NOT READ THIS POST! For those who can, buckle up!

Years ago, I was in love with a Christian guy who was gay or struggling with SSA, however you want to put it. We’d known each other for about a year and went into that space of liking each other and wanting a relationship with each other. But we couldn’t do it because we were worried what everyone else would think.

Thus, we kept our feelings a secret from everyone. Surprising, right?

Anyways, we developed huge emotional dependency with each other. We would talk and talk for hours and days! But as time passed, he grew uninterested in me, and I tried to keep his attention the best I could. Then, the unthinkable happened!

I was going about my schoolwork while living with my family during my very early years of college, and he texted me to confess that he had had full-on anal sex with another guy! Dude, this destroyed me! We tried to talk it out, and I did my best to forgive him, but that thought of having anal sex haunted my mind!

This was back when I was a virgin, and his experience mesmerized me with jealousy. I so wanted to experience what he’d experienced!

For a week, I did my best to keep this sexual thought out of my mind. But because I was so emotionally involved in him, I just couldn’t! I seriously wanted to have that experience, too! This was a STUPID mindset to have, but as one who is very stubborn, I set out to taste his experience for myself. Using the excuse of “He cheated on me, so I’ll cheat on him,” I basically started on the first stepping stone to get what I wanted, having full-on gay sex!

One night while on my computer — the same computer I’m now typing on — I decided to put an ad on a particular website and hook up with a random individual. Within minutes, I received a lot of messages from different guys who would do my bidding! Of course, I had to pick the hottest guy, but the day and time was set!

Did I have time to stop and turn away from what I was doing? Yes. So, why did I go through with it, you ask? Because of my hardheaded stubbornness and a broken heart, that’s why!

The next morning, this guy picked me up from my apartment complex because I didn’t have any transportation. I just told my family I’d been called into work early. Within 15 minutes we arrived at his place, and he invited me inside. Of course I was very nervous, but I just took a deep breath and dealt with what I’d set out to do! I remember his asking me if it was my first time, and I lied to him and said it had been 3 years since my last time.

And then I let my first experience with anal sex be with a 30-year-old man!

Very hard to read? Yeah, I know! Try being on my side!

During and after that shenanigan, my emotions were very different! I felt more … alive? I guess that’s the best I can explain it. Experiencing the physical and emotional effects of sex — dude, I loved it! Unfortunately, this opened the door to my being very promiscuous — or in other words, a man-whore!

Do I regret having sex with another man? In a way, yeah, but what I regret is that it had to be with a random stranger who I wouldn’t see again until years later!

As of today, I don’t have sex as much as I used to, if at all. I’ve “calmed down” a bunch, and I have this self-control within myself to say NO to anyone who wants or tries to hook up with me. I mean, I could still have sex if I wanted to, but now I have no desire to do anything like that. I would say Jesus and the Holy Spirit have had something to do with that change.

But here’s the reason why I loved sex so much and didn’t want to stop: it was because I found out I COULD DO IT.

That’s it! It was simple as that; I can do it!

I’d always put this stigma upon myself. I’d told myself I couldn’t do it — like I would die if I tried to have sex or something. But once I did have sex, that mindset disappeared, and I knew I could do it anytime I wanted. And I took advantage of that!

This was a simplistic mindset, and what I didn’t know were the consequences I’d have to endure in the future.

But I’ll save that for future posts!

Do you guys struggle with sex? Have you experienced hookups like mine before? If you don’t struggle with this anymore, how did you stop?

* Photo courtesy krhphoto, Creative Commons.

About the Author

  • Just love your transparency, Matthew. Thank you. I think for me, I love the idea of sex and I love the thought of it as well as the pleasure of the release in orgasm, of course. But the actual intimacy of it I find difficult so that sex for me has become more of a release in fantasy. This is in part due to a whole bunch of things that happened over the course of my life, but I think the problem with the intimacy stems from upbringing that has been deeply entrenched in my psyche. When I was married we had a reasonable sex life but not a great one. It got off to a bad start because of the intimacy hangup but then when I got over that bump to some extent, we then jollied along. Even after I came out to my wife we still continued having sex, though never what one could call great sex. I often felt the need to have more than what I got and found masturbation was helpful in that. Of course, I was not drawn to the opposite sex so fantasy stepped in. Our sex life came to an end when my wife confronted me about what I was thinking or imagining when we had sex. For the first time I realized that I was fantasizing even while having sex with her. That totally shut her down and ended our sex life completely. Since separating I have experimented, late in life, and cannot say I have found gay sex to be satisfying, so I much prefer to masturbate to fantasy, so porn plays a big role. Not to have release would I think be a problem as I already get easily stressed. However, there may still be a little guilt about how I gain release, but I am excusing myself at having no better solution at this time. To be celibate? Not possible. The pressure builds up and demands release.

  • A subject that is difficult for me .. in two different ways. (1) I know I shouldn’t have male/male sex; and (2) once you’ve had it, it’s like chips – you can’t go without it. Hey I to love your transparency also, it’s real and that’s so awesome. I’m a born again Christian and I know that I know I should not meet guys for sex. But these past few years, I’ve met a number of men. I think about sex, and then I go to ___ or ___ and search the guys and the ads and I hook up. Then I try to turn myself way from even looking at these things. BUT the temptation is every so great and to be honest sex feels so darn awesome. I’m like Jeremy who commented. “I love the idea of sex and I love the thought of it as well as the pleasure of the release in orgasm,” there is nothing better. I so want to control my urges, but it is so hard. I’m trying to find in Christ total love, total commitment to Him, so that I can turn away from desires. Lately things have been a bit better, but still I struggle. I sometimes wish, I’d never tasted of that first sexual encounter with a man – because i think today, you can’t miss what you’ve never had. I could have dreamed about having sex and just never tasted by being celibate. But no, I was not that smart – and I remember the first time I had anal sex and how it hurt – but like a fool I went back and back and the pain went away and the pleasure filled my life. That was then, but this is now. I try now (yes, I still do it a limited number of times (sex)) but not like I used to. Today, I try to immerse my heart and mind in God’s Word or something like reading this blog to realize there are other guys who struggle with the same temptations in life. I’m thankful for this blog, it’s been an inspiration/help to me. Yes, I love sex but I’m turning away toward God more and more each day. Does the temptation go away? No. But God’s grace is sufficient for me. Will I sin? I’m not sure, I hope not.

    • Just an FYI, Bradley, but I edited out your two references. I want to be careful not to prompt any specific avenues of temptation for readers and other brothers in this community. Hope that’s okay. Thanks for sharing so vulnerably. I love your closing line! Indeed, if Christianity were just about the endgame, why not just cut to the chase and end our earthly lives today? Yes, there will be struggle. But yes, Christ will meet us in that struggle. Something I’m learning a little more everyday. Good stuff, brother.

      • I am sorry, that you did that. I never before had read anywhere – that this blog and it’s comments were subject to screening. I used no vulgar language and spoke my comments from my heart. This is 2016, “screening/editing” is not acceptable – it’s a violation of free speech. If you are going to monitor, edit and screen people’s comments – then perhaps I am done reading this blog and offering comments. #Sad

        • Yeah, I was wondering if you would catch those two. Haha. But dude, it’s alright. I’ve used those two “references” almost all the time. Not much anymore.

  • Ah the sex post… I have one I need to post too.
    It has amazed me how many men have had their first gay sexual experience with a random stranger. Mine was the same. And it’s what I consider to be the worst mistake of my life. I’m sure I will be able to relate to a lot of the consequences to come in your next post.
    But to say what already know- God’s Grace knows no bounds, brother. And praise Jesus for that!

    • Thinking back and then again coming back to this post this morning – I can’t help but comment: My first time, was with a random stranger who drove past me on the street one night as I drove back and forth just looking for anyone for my first time. Then, I was excited – he was tall, well built and attractive. Later, I found out he was an associate Pastor. I don’t know if it was about sex that first time, or perhaps it was about being held, being wanted if even for a few short minutes. I was lonely, and sex filled that need.

  • Thinking back and then this morning coming back to this post – I can’t help but comment: My first time, was with a random stranger who drove past me on the street one night as I drove back and forth just looking for anyone for my first time. Then, I was excited – he was tall, well built and attractive. Later, I found out he was an associate Pastor. I don’t know if it was about sex that first time, or perhaps it was about being held, being wanted if even for a few short minutes. I was lonely, and sex filled that need.

    • Dude! That’s crazy! If I was in your place, I would totally be freaking out! But thank you for being honest on here! This subject is touchy, but it’s needed to be discussed. For me, yes, I was lonely, but curiosity got the best of me, as I said in my post. Again, thank you for you being up front and honest!

      • Matt … your very welcome. Being open about one’s feelings is not always easy but perhaps provides others with insight.

  • I love your sense of humor, Matt. You have a wonderful personality (at least what I know of it online) and I enjoy how direct you are with little concern for maintaining your own reputation.

  • I love that you broke the ice to talk about this, Matt, and so bluntly. Somebody needed to.
    I was actually a true virgin when I got married. But not long before I got married, I came to realize that I was perhaps the only remaining virgin in my small group from church. Some people I knew had had sex, others I suspected, and there were only a couple I wasn’t sure of, but I wouldn’t have put it past them. It seemed to become this kind of big cloud in the room sometimes when we got together. Some guy would be absent because he was out with his girlfriend instead, several people would request prayer for an “unspoken” need, everyone guarded their words because the leaders’ four-year-old daughter was in the room… We all desperately needed to air out our souls a while and address this issue of sex (among other sexual things we were dealing with) with each other, but nobody ever really did and no room was ever made for it.
    We all need to talk about sex more, and talk about it more openly, honestly, and bluntly. I might have been the last adult virgin in my church when I got married at the age of twenty-five, but I was the most vocal about sexual issues. I turned many people’s faces red in conversation. But just because people are silent about sex doesn’t mean they’re not having sex. We need to be honest with each other, with ourselves, and with the Lord, and if we can’t even talk about it, how can we be honest?
    I’m so grateful to you for your honesty, boldness, and vulnerability. You have some real balls, Matt. I believe you make God very happy.

  • Matt, I love how blunt and hilarious and upbeat and real you are. You inspire me, brother. I’m convinced Jesus has a little (or, you know, a lot) to do with that. Keep telling your story, holding nothing back!

  • What’s never tried is seldom missed but you did it anyway.
    I understand the impulse. I’m sorry it was the revenge variety. You probably thought it should have been your buddy that you had known for such a long time. But you should be glad it wasn’t I think. He had the same curiosity you did, but he did not want to mess up your friendship or his friend over something as silly as sex. Is that a misread of the situation? Maybe.
    Sex is kind of silly when you stop and think about it. Imagine you are from another planet where there is no sex…just a melding of minds and maybe some egg laying behavior after. You visit earth where you observe any and all combinations of humans trying desperately to become one with each other through sharing and penetrating various orifices. If you are watching as an alien, it might seem quite hilarious and even messy.
    I’ve also wondered how sex obsessed we’d all be if everyone had their sex organs on their forehead. I’m sure that there would be all manner of elaborate head gear desperately trying to cover our sexuality.
    Sex is a strange thing. I have enjoyed it for a season, but I find real intimacy in non physical things. Knowing what is going on inside someone’s brain has become far more sexy to me. Knowledge of who they really are is so hot that I can’t wait until the next time I get to talk to them. You had that with your friend. I hope it continued on some level with someone if not him.
    If you live long enough, some day you will get old like me. At my age, a good batch of friends is way better than sex anytime. I’m almost 59 which is like 117 in gay years and looking back on it now, I’m glad I gave it up. Sex in relationships makes relationships tough to navigate. At a certain point you find yourself wondering if there would continue to be a relationship without the sex. If the answer is yes, then why do it? If the answer is no, then the relationship is way too shallow.
    My opinion. My experience.
    I went through my youth back in the 1970’s. I’m not sure where I would be now if I had the freedom that you guys have to talk about this stuff. I am glad there is a place for it though. It is a good thing. I’m not sure what you intended, but there seems to be some ministering going on here as well as frustration venting and confession. These are all good. Continue to work, Do not lose sight of who you are in Christ over something as silly as sex. See y’all in heaven!

  • I love sex. There, I said it. Matthew’s admission of wanting sex simply because he could do it resonates with me. I did not have penetration experiences before I married my wife, only mutual masturbation experience with a friend. Can I call myself a “technical” virgin when I married my wife? I don’t know. Does it really matter? I just love, loved, and still love sex. As an SSA sufferer I feel very blessed in God with the sex I have had for 38 years with my bride and best friend. We have done everything, I mean everything, that a man and woman could do under the sun. Mostly because of my sex drive, not hers, But she has come along and given greatly to me. To this day I see Jesus at the end of our marriage bed smiling and clapping and urging us on. And when we c** it is an act of worship to God. He created our parts to fit together perfectly and He invented sex for our pleasure and enjoyment. Do I think of men when in that marriage bed? Never. Never have I brought a man to that place. Somehow, I have been able (really a gift from God) to build a very large and effective compartment in my brain that is solely fed by my love for this particular woman. When I get up in the morning, though, after a night of highly pleasurable love-making, the battle to squash the thoughts toward men on the other side of my brain begins in earnest. Why, Lord, can’t I just lust after my wife until we re-engage again that night? (I must confess we are mostly every-dayers, and sometimes twice a day in my five years of retirement-too much time on our hands and way too much fun!). But, I don’t want to see that handsome young man at the grocery store or at the car wash. I don’t want to look at his crotch and wonder how he looks naked. Why won’t it stop? So, I bring every thought captive. I look into the eyes of Jesus. My wife, even yesterday, as a handsome young man got into his car in front of us said, “Are you Ok?” Man, she loves me in spite of my struggle! And, we had a super-terrific session again last night. But, this is a new morning. Time to get my armor back on to face the challenge I have lived with for so long. I still struggle and fight, and yes, I love sex!

  • I grew up with a high standard of myself, a self-imposed strong moral code, I missed and turned off many oportunities – and I am not a believer (now I am struggling, I have doubts, I’m starting to believe). But then I kind of decided to “give up”, leave it be, let it happen… Man, I hate most of the guys I had sexual encounters. All of them were jerks and none was that special guy I was idealizing. It is one big mistake to live this hooking up life. I nowadays am open to the idea of changing my sexuality, I want to like women and I don’t know how to start, in my country the conversion therapy is illegal and I don’t have enough money to travel to another one…

  • >