Yup! We’re back with the sex stories of my life! Oh lawd! So, I’m going to have to warn everyone again: if you can’t handle stories like this, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST!
After my groundbreaking realization of sex, losing my virginity to a 30-year-old random dude and feeling like I was “alive,” I wanted more of it! My sex drive was in maximum overdrive and I was totally in love with it!
Though I still had a life — living with my family, working a job, and going to church — I now had a new hunger, a new desire. With the addition of this new desire, my repeated question was, “Who should I f*** with next?”
I was brand new to hookups, so the nervousness was still there whenever I was searching for hookups, getting the “courage” to meet them in person. I was like a hyper horny puppy who was trying to find the next “fun thing” to do, and I was pretty excited about it!
I went back to the same website I first used to lose my virginity and started searching for more hookups there. Hundreds of gay guys, both closeted and out, were there at my bidding, and I would put up ads to see if anyone was down to have sex with me.
Dude, it was pretty bad! By this time, I would search twice or three times a week to get what I was looking for, but it almost came down to every single day! Yes, I was still on top of schoolwork and actual work, but once I’d finish with both, my reward would be to hook up with a stranger.
Days turned into months, and months turned into years, and still I continued trying to find the next hookup. I didn’t give up my pursuit of having sex with random guys — or sometimes even the same guys.
By this time, my perspective viewed other men as meat instead of people.
If he were a gorgeous or very hot guy, I would do my best to sleep with him.
You might be wondering and questioning, “Did you ever feel any guilt or shame about having sex with all these guys, all these hookups?” Honestly, I never did!
As I said in my previous post, I now had this knowledge that I COULD have sex! I enjoyed the liberty of doing whatever I wanted because that stigma I’d put on myself about sex was gone! I felt more alive whenever I’d have sex with a random stranger or even the same person I’d hooked up with weeks or months before.
I know other people would have this guilty feeling after having sex, like, “Oh God! What have I done? Why did I do that? What’s wrong with me? How will God ever forgive me? How will I ever forgive myself?”
But those thoughts never came to my mind. I would either block them out, or whatever, but what I was doing just never really hit me! Looking back at myself then, it’s kind of freaky!
You also might be wondering and questioning, “If you called yourself a Christian, why did you do all these things and never feel convicted?” To be honest, I have no idea!
I just did what I felt was normal and never really questioned it. If my sex drive told me that I was horny and that I needed to have sex with a guy, I would just go on an app and start from there, then actually do what I intended to do. I never thought that I could control my desires; that I could say no to my flesh and go about my business.
I know some Christians reading this could go on a theological rant, saying that I probably was never really a Christian to begin with — like I had formed this idea that “I am a Christian,” but once I’d sinned and continued to sin, I revealed who I really was.
Other Christians might have the complete opposite idea and say maybe I was a Christian, but God let me or allowed me to do what I wanted in order that I’d find myself in the lowest place, only to turn back to Him in the future.
I can’t really say why I never felt guilty, but I will say this: losing my virginity was my ground zero. I had to start from somewhere, there, and re-learn everything that I’d grown up with in my Christian background, now with fresh new eyes.
From a sinful homosexual man, I had to re-learn God’s love and grace and His justice, too.
Little by little, God gave me the conviction I needed to continue my Christian walk.
Have you ever hit the point of never feeling guilty about sinning, whether with random hookups or otherwise? If so, what was that like? Be honest: do you ever feel like it would be better if you never felt convicted?
* Photo courtesy grandyann, Creative Commons.