Yup! We’re back with the sex stories of my life! Oh lawd! So, I’m going to have to warn everyone again: if you can’t handle stories like this, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST!
After my groundbreaking realization of sex, losing my virginity to a 30-year-old random dude and feeling like I was “alive,” I wanted more of it! My sex drive was in maximum overdrive and I was totally in love with it!
Though I still had a life — living with my family, working a job, and going to church — I now had a new hunger, a new desire. With the addition of this new desire, my repeated question was, “Who should I f*** with next?”
I was brand new to hookups, so the nervousness was still there whenever I was searching for hookups, getting the “courage” to meet them in person. I was like a hyper horny puppy who was trying to find the next “fun thing” to do, and I was pretty excited about it!
I went back to the same website I first used to lose my virginity and started searching for more hookups there. Hundreds of gay guys, both closeted and out, were there at my bidding, and I would put up ads to see if anyone was down to have sex with me.
Dude, it was pretty bad! By this time, I would search twice or three times a week to get what I was looking for, but it almost came down to every single day! Yes, I was still on top of schoolwork and actual work, but once I’d finish with both, my reward would be to hook up with a stranger.
Days turned into months, and months turned into years, and still I continued trying to find the next hookup. I didn’t give up my pursuit of having sex with random guys — or sometimes even the same guys.
By this time, my perspective viewed other men as meat instead of people.
If he were a gorgeous or very hot guy, I would do my best to sleep with him.
You might be wondering and questioning, “Did you ever feel any guilt or shame about having sex with all these guys, all these hookups?” Honestly, I never did!
As I said in my previous post, I now had this knowledge that I COULD have sex! I enjoyed the liberty of doing whatever I wanted because that stigma I’d put on myself about sex was gone! I felt more alive whenever I’d have sex with a random stranger or even the same person I’d hooked up with weeks or months before.
I know other people would have this guilty feeling after having sex, like, “Oh God! What have I done? Why did I do that? What’s wrong with me? How will God ever forgive me? How will I ever forgive myself?”
But those thoughts never came to my mind. I would either block them out, or whatever, but what I was doing just never really hit me! Looking back at myself then, it’s kind of freaky!
You also might be wondering and questioning, “If you called yourself a Christian, why did you do all these things and never feel convicted?” To be honest, I have no idea!
I just did what I felt was normal and never really questioned it. If my sex drive told me that I was horny and that I needed to have sex with a guy, I would just go on an app and start from there, then actually do what I intended to do. I never thought that I could control my desires; that I could say no to my flesh and go about my business.
I know some Christians reading this could go on a theological rant, saying that I probably was never really a Christian to begin with — like I had formed this idea that “I am a Christian,” but once I’d sinned and continued to sin, I revealed who I really was.
Other Christians might have the complete opposite idea and say maybe I was a Christian, but God let me or allowed me to do what I wanted in order that I’d find myself in the lowest place, only to turn back to Him in the future.
I can’t really say why I never felt guilty, but I will say this: losing my virginity was my ground zero. I had to start from somewhere, there, and re-learn everything that I’d grown up with in my Christian background, now with fresh new eyes.
From a sinful homosexual man, I had to re-learn God’s love and grace and His justice, too.
Little by little, God gave me the conviction I needed to continue my Christian walk.
Have you ever hit the point of never feeling guilty about sinning, whether with random hookups or otherwise? If so, what was that like? Be honest: do you ever feel like it would be better if you never felt convicted?
* Photo courtesy grandyann, Creative Commons.
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I’ve had a similar experience when looking at porn; after a while, I stopped feeling guilty or convicted for it. It was fun, I saw what I wanted to see, I jacked off, and I moved on. And I wondered why I didn’t feel any condemnation or conviction from any source for what I had done. I told God that I didn’t want to apologize if I wasn’t actually sorry. I didn’t want to go through all of the fake religious confessions and junk if they didn’t come from my heart. If I didn’t feel I had actually done something wrong, maybe it wasn’t wrong, I thought, and maybe I didn’t need to confess and repent. But I believe the Lord spoke to me about this issue and said that there were some things I knew were sinful, there was no question about it, and I knew that I was guilty. I didn’t need to feel convicted to know that I was, in fact, guilty of sinning. I knew lust was wrong, I knew I had lusted, and therefore I was guilty, whether I felt it or not. Therefore, I knew what I needed to do. I knew that God loved me and that he just wanted to restore relationship with me. He didn’t want to beat me or condemn me. He waited for me to come to him of my own volition so that we could address the sin that I had committed. And that’s what happened. And I realized that God loved me so much, his patience was great, and he treated me like a man in his gentleness toward me. I realized then a greater level of his love and even respect for me and it made me love and respect him all the more.
YES YES AND YES. My thoughts exactly. The thing is, I think most people who struggle with porn start to feel this way and think nothing of it. But as with any addiction I believe the same is true of actual, physical sex. Obviously both are wrong, but I don’t think either one is more sinful. For me, I was able to recognize my brokenness and guilt when I confessed it to others (accountability) or even acknowledged it in writing myself.
It was interesting reading your experience and your assessment of it, as also Kevin’s in the comment section. I find this impossible to comment on without perhaps causing some offence since I am totally Side A rather than Side B, like you guys here. Suffice it to say that I would only consider the promiscuous life somewhat sinful, but not the fact of sex at all. Blessings.
Matthew, thank you for being so vulnerable and honest! I am pretty new to this blog and I’m blown away over and over again with the honest and heartfelt posts. So refreshing!! I will have to admit I wish I didn’t feel convicted. I have had several sexual encounters with men. But, what you said about just using men does really hit me hard. I never wanted to do that. However, I have been on the other end of that and it really hurts. Deep down, I want to get to know the other man. I want a buddy. Blessings to you.
Dude! Thanks for finding this website and reading our blog post! Yeah, I’ve been on both sides, and it does effect you! But trust me, not feeling convicted isn’t all that cracked up to be. I’ll post something about what I mean later on in the future.
How sweet it would be never to feel convicted about my addictive behaviors and sin. But I can only numb myself so long. It’s scary, because at times I do wish I could live in a permanently numb state, doing whatever I want without consequence, emotional or physical. I’m so grateful I’ve not gone further beyond the lines I’ve already pushed and crossed.
Inspired by your continuous bravery here, Matt. So much to learn from you — fashion sense, included.
Awww! Thanks Tom! Haha. Well not feeling conviction and shame isn’t all that cracked up to be. And being in my spot got old eventually, and I wanted to go even more further, which…..I did, but of course consequences had to take place. I don’t want to give away anything because the future posts will be soooooo good!!!
When it comes to guilt from sinning, I feel like over time conviction is often replaced by numbness. At some point, I know something’s sinful, but I just don’t care anymore. But the numbness often seems to extend past just a specific sin into the rest of my emotions. When I end up caught in a pattern of sin, I tend to cut off relationships and emotionally things go downhill very quickly. Transparency and accountability about sin goes a long way towards keeping a solid relationship with God.
Yeah, I’ll have to agree with you about being transparent and having accountability! It totally does go a long away, which was so good! Dude, thanks for being honest about what happens to you when you know you’ve done something sinful! knowing yourself helps out a lot! At least you know your own patterns and know what to do if it gets that bad! Props bro!
This last year has really been a roller coaster of figuring out how to keep from giving into temptation, how to keep control of my emotions, and how to handle stress. I’ve certainly had my failures, but I’m making progress. I’m sure this upcoming year will be quite a roller coaster as well, with moving away to go to college and all that comes with that.
Yes, I hit that point, and thanks for opening the discussion, Matthew. But for me, it was actually a sign of growth I think. I had always beaten myself up badly for any sin, mistake, or anything else that revealed imperfection. But this was never a work of the Holy Spirit. I blocked that with my useless flagellations. I didn’t trust God to deal with me fairly, so I tried to appease him with an excessive show of remorse and self disgust. It was really no different than one of the old pagans who threw a child into the flames to procure better crops or a hot wife. I badly misunderstood God and tried to manipulate him with my hateful self comments and tears. This lead to cycles of depression that could last for many days. When my foray into male porn started in my fifties, I think God blocked the usual pattern so that I could learn to respond the right way, His way. After sliming myself with hundreds of images and a video or four, I would have no overwhelming feelings of disgust, though I knew my actions were wrong. But I would eventually have a thought like, “Your daughter is in the next room, how can you have so little integrity as to present yourself one way to her and then indulge in this? There was not the usual, “You f***ing creep; you are disgusting.” I just began to calmly respond to those questions about integrity. I might read Psalm 51 a couple of times but feel no great remorse. I had distorted the healing process of remorse to such a great extent God had to dismantle and start building a new foundation. That foundation was his grace. As I sat there after a binge, feeling little if any remorse for my trespass, I gradually began to believe that he loved me even in my rebellion. Even in repeated rebellions. Even a cold heart like mine has to warm up to a love like that. And the love that those naked images offered really pales beside a love like that.
Dude! That’s awesome you shared that! Thanks for that! And you’re welcome for this discussion to be open! Not a lot of people will discuss this, probably because they have personal convictions about sharing this, but I’m glad to be talking about this subject.
Matt, you describe not sex but an addiction which is a terrible disease of feeling i.e. lack of! Guilt is the first to go (as we rationalize the sin) and then lastly shame (as we convince ourselves we are an ok person who needs this). To get well we need our feelings back. Feelings return when the heart is melted by relationship connection: where someone loves me beyond the ugliness of me but also wants better for me. It is not enough to know about God. He wants us to know Him as a person who LOVES us. And, He WILL woo us and succeed. Hang on for a wild ride my brother!
I said the M word is holy for me now because that addiction God (sort of) took away with my surgery. I said I don’t get natural boners BUT I can still make boners (there are ways!). So, the compulsion of M still was there. BUT, what changed was M reminded me that Jesus was in the room! Could you masturbate if your wife or daughter was in the room? Why not? Because you would feel shame. And so, I was ashamed because Jesus was in the room. I felt ashamed when I began to M but knew Jesus was watching with tearful love in His eyes. I had to stop and never to do that to Him again. Notice “to Him”. Well placed shame had returned which aborts my addictions.
It is the blunt sober exhortation of 1 Corinth 15:34 where “knowing God” is relationship as I describe happened to me…
“Get some sense and quit your sinning. For to your shame I say it; some of you are not even Christians at all and have never really known God.”
M word? You mean masturbation? If so, then alright! Haha.
What if I told you that, even to this day I still don’t feel guilt or shame about having sex. What? No way? Way dude! The whole “Get some sense and quit your sinning” totally didn’t work out for me. God had to come at me in a different direction, which I will post in the future.
Oh yeah! This is addiction week! Soon……..sex….addiction…..Yeah. Lol.
Don’t feel guilt or shame? Emotions are not you so God had to work differently… Many people, particularly some men don’t feel deeply — a disadvantage. It’s what allowed you to go on a sex drunk! Why so many virgins here? They are more like David racked with guilt and shame when they sin. Read Psalm 38.
“Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.”
Matt, I have reread your post and comment trying to understand what you are talking about brother :).
Are you talking about sex with your wife when you say “even to this day I still don’t feel guilt or shame about having (present tense) sex.” Matt what are you talking about?
To be human is to have feelings. Matt, you confuse me…
Jon, I’m not married, nor do I have a girlfriend. The only reason I said that is because you came too close to asking the question to spoil the ending. So I kind of lied. I do feel a certain level conviction about sex, but in a different way. Though I WANT TO POST A BLOG ABOUT IT IN YHE FUTURE!!! What I’m talking about in this current blog post was what happen like 9-10 years ago! Plus, a lot of stuff happened between then and now. So you’re gonna have to wait patiently.
I, for one, appreciate a good cliff-hanger, Matt. Keep doing you!
Thank-you Matt for that clarification. Yes, I need patience. Sorry, to ruin your story.
I love this site and you guys rock for having it, but this post and the last one confuse me….. it sounds like you are advocating having sex with other guys while being a Christian, though maybe I am reading you wrong……and I am not bothered by your descriptions, though they are a bit graphic for a lot of guys struggling with SSA to be reading…..and not trying to be a jerk about it.
Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” – Matthew 16:44
That tells me that you were not denying yourself or following Jesus at the time you were posting about, but it sounds like you are now! I appreciate your honest vulnerability Matthew, just make it clear that you are different now.
Thanks Marshall! Yeah, at that time I really wasn’t following Jesus and didn’t have any idea how to deny myself. You hear it from the pulpit, but once you actually put it into practice, it’s very hard. Especially if my situation. It wasn’t an instant *ding*, and I got it. I had to re-learn everything, but it took a slow process, mostly because there was a lot of stuff that went down. I’m doing my best not to give anything away, because my story is like a movie. I do not want to spoil anything!
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Have you ever hit the point of never feeling guilty about sinning, whether with random hookups or otherwise? If so, what was that
like?
I think I am there now. I never felt much guilt about offending/disobeying God with my sexual exploits (physical or fantasy). Perhaps this is a sign of weak faith, or my “coldness” with God. I have though felt guilty about harming others. Leading them down the “dark path”, or the emotional distance I’ve had with my wife as I secretly binge in cyber fantasy land. Yet now that sex with her is out of the question (her choice), I no longer feel guilt about that. Perhaps I see it as “permission” (from God Himself?)? But…… as I binge I cross more and more boundaries into depravity. That can’t be a “God” thing…..
Be honest: do you ever feel like it would be better if you never felt convicted?
I think I miss not feeling it. Working on sexual sobriety used to have the upside of more sex with wife. At least as a goal. With that gone…. I am less convicted.
Jim I’m sure I missed something somewhere. But why is sex with your wife completely out of the question right now (or at time of post)? As a married man I DO get it completely. Where are things now with your wife and with you and conviction?
Hi Jaye – thanks for your response. My wife is a 2-time cancer survivor and the consequences of all the surgeries and treatments over the last 15 years has removed all sexual desire from her. She has emotional/mental issues too which makes it very difficult to have emotional intimacy, and I have resigned myself to caring for her, but not engaging in any deep way.
I continue to cyber binge and recently “met” a guy online that I am very tempted to meet in person. He may not really be who he purports to be online (I am ultra cautious), but just the fact that I am contemplating it is concerning. It has been over 30 years since my last physical gay encounter, and here I am getting closer to crossing the line into infidelity and adultery.
I don’t feel any “guilt” because of God – but I know the odds are high of our marriage ending if I am “found out” or confess to her. She NEEDS me, so I am concerned about screwing that up too.
Wow Jim. That is pretty intense to say the least. Forgive me but it sounds like your “binging” I actually more “coping” and understandably so. To take care of anyone that you have no emotional or physical intimacy is no small feat. Much less a wife. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Outside of this cyber community do you have people that help you, that you can confide in, that walk with you daily? How can I and others help? Prayer is obvious. And I will do. But I also care and don’t want to see your marriage end over 5 min of pleasure with a stranger. So not worth it. But I also get the misery you’re experiencing too. Fine and hard line I can imagine.
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Sin is only sin if our minds tell us that we have sinned. We don’t look to the law of the Old Testament, we can only agree that it’s right, but we can’t follow it nor can we. For years, I lived under the “law” of what others had told me what sin was. But it was only sin to them, not necessarily mine. I had to learn all over again that I am saved by grace and that God my Father is showing me what displeases Him for each person that walks with Him. Everyone is different, and that is what I am learning each day. We can’t lump everyone together and say this is what is right for you and this what is right for me. It’s not even up to the Pastor, Priest, or Parson to tell us what is the right thing for our lives, we have to get our own information direct from God Himself for we live by the spoken word of God that continues to live and abide forever. Not the written bible, but the hearing of His Spirit, we must live by. THAT is the true life, not the stale letter that kills, but the living word that we can hear each day, if we are willing to hear it. We live in a world where the Church is so willing to condemn based upon what the Law says. We can’t use the Law to condemn anyone. If we use the law, then we will be judged by it. And we will find ourselves being condemned along with it, because we simply can’t keep it. The ridiculous saying, “God loves the sinner but hates the sin”, is an awful thing to say to anyone. For in saying it, it tells anyone hearing it that God must hate them because they see no separation between them and their sin. And besides, that rendering is not even in the holy script.
I have been with God ever since He found me through Jesus Christ our Lord. He brought me unto Himself when I was steep in sin. That means, that He loved me before I ever knew Him, how much more now that I am His son? I had to wade through the filth of religious mixture of law and grace, and when I say it’s filth, it’s a whole lot of garbage that is being preached out there, and it’s purpose is to instill fear for the sake of that dollar. If the Church spoke the truth today, this world will stand up and take notice, but right now, we are in a pitiful state. God have mercy on us for condemning others when we have no right to stand in that position, nor has God ever called anyone to be placed in that position. For Christ was not sent into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. How many Christians have condemned homosexuals to hell when God has never sent them? When the conviction power of the Holy Spirit comes, He will convict and He will cause us to fall on our faces and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, and many will be saved. Not by might nor by power, but it will be my Spirit says the Lord.
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