Supernatural will always be a wealth of countless musings for me. Recently I watched the final episode of season 8 and saw what has to be one of the most powerful scenes in the series.

Now, the relationship between Sam and Dean is the epitome of guy-guy friendships. These guys are close — brothers with no one else closer to each other than each other.

Their brotherly bond is the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted, to be honest.

Of course, with their being so close there must also be a great amount of friction between the two. After 8 seasons, there is a LOT of built-up anger over hidden hurts and pent-up aggression. And in one of the final scenes, this comes to blows.

To give some context, Sam is enduring trials to banish demons from the earth, a task which will require him to die. Dean finds out and stops him, not wanting Sam to die even at the expense of saving the world. And, well, check out the first 3 minutes of this clip.

I’ve watched this episode several times and still don’t know which gets me more: Sam saying that his biggest sin was letting down his older brother or Dean screaming to Sam that he will always put Sam first in his life.

I find myself unable to figure out if I want to be Dean or Sam in this scene.

Do I want to have a brother I care about that much that I will declare putting him above all else? Or do I want to have a brother saying those words to me when I beg forgiveness for all the times I failed him? Or is it even healthy or appropriate to want either of those things?

Truth to be told, I have made a pledge to put someone else above all others — my wife. And she has made that pledge to me, too. That should be enough, and that should be all I ever desire.

Yet something twinges in me during the scene above. And while I know no one comes before my wife, I can’t help but believe that my desire for a close brother isn’t all sinful. A close guy friend is healthy, actually.

Having someone to walk with me as I continue to learn about being a husband and a father.

Having someone to talk to about anything that my wife may not be able to understand.

Having someone to hold me accountable all the time.

I have several friends who each has a small share in this, but I find that it is not quite sufficient at times. Perhaps a true Sam/Dean brother figure will never come my way. But I pray some lesser form of it does — someday, anyway.

Which kind of brother do you want more: Dean the older brother or Sam the younger brother? How do you relate to your own brothers or close male friends? Do you tend to help them more, or do you rely on their reaching out to you?

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