I was ready to talk to my girlfriend Sarah about marriage — even though I was definitely still attracted to guys.
It is so hard to describe my conflicted feelings at this point. I was scared — almost to the degree of panic — yet I knew God was in control and would help me.
I was confused but sure I should talk to Sarah about marriage. I knew I loved Sarah, but was it the right kind of love?
Before I could even think to ask my girlfriend to marry me, I was absolutely sure of another thing: I needed to confess to her that I was attracted to guys.
Any woman who’d consider marrying me needed to enter my world with her eyes wide open and seriously consider the unique and painful struggles she would have to deal with.
Sarah and I had anticipated the conversation for weeks; so, we were prepared. She actually started by sharing some difficult things from her past that I needed to know before marrying her. Then it was my turn, so I just dropped the bomb.
“Did you know I battle the temptation of sexual attraction to guys?”
“I knew something didn’t feel right! Would you say you are more attracted to guys or girls?”
“I am more than twice as attracted to guys as girls, but I believe God can give me an attraction to you.”
“No, no, no, I can’t deal with this right now. I need time alone to think!”
“Ok, please don’t run away and make a hasty decision. We should stay apart a week to think and pray about this, then meet and talk.”
We agreed to meet the next week.
I knew how to “read” Sarah well, so I was absolutely positive that she had permanently decided that she would never ever marry me.
I went home and cried.
As I prayed and talked to Brandon, I grew convinced that I should just give up on trying to persuade Sarah to marry me.
Brandon was surprised by her response and asked more questions about my attraction to guys.
When he saw how powerful my homosexual urges were and how difficult it was for me to feel anything for a girl, he said, “I thought you got over that same-sex attraction a long time ago!”
Even Brandon, my closest male friend, did not fully “get” me. I cried again.
When I met with Sarah the next week, both of us clearly stated that we were sure we could never marry each other and that our relationship was permanently over. We left open the possibility of remaining friends, but only after a lot of time apart.
I asked Sarah if she had any advice for me — even hard-to-hear advice.
She told me to quit suppressing my feelings.
She said most of the time I had given the impression that I was tough and unemotional. She thought I should only move forward in a relationship if my heart were in it.
If I didn’t intensely want a relationship, I shouldn’t even start it. If I wanted it, I should show my emotions in an undeniable way.
I thanked Sarah and never talked to her privately again.
More of my response and Brandon’s story to be continued . . .
Have you had an opposite-sex dating relationship end over your same-sex attraction? How did you move forward? Or on the flip-side, how did your marriage grow?
* Photo courtesy jobless_photoman, Creative Commons.