One of my biggest lusts and longest lasting fantasies has been to masturbate with other guys. Not have sex with them, not experience any kind of touching or penetration whatsoever — just jack off together, in full view of each other, with no shame, as casually as we would watch TV or fold laundry.
While I used to think this fantasy was absolute proof of my homosexuality, I’ve come to realize that this is actually a fairly common interest among men, both gay and straight.
I’ve found this out by discovering loads of websites, social media groups, and forums centered around men — presumably straight — masturbating together, having sex with women together, and doing plenty of other recreational activities together, sans clothing.
I’ve also talked with several of my friends and acquaintances, both SSA and not (although most of them SSA), and they’ve told me that masturbating with other guys has long been a fantasy of theirs — or, at least, they’ve considered it. That doesn’t mean they would all do it if given the chance; it just means they would be tempted by it, and it was a fantasy for them.
I’ll admit: I still struggle with this sometimes. This is still a temptation I dwell on in my thoughts or want to click to on the Internet.
And yet despite my masturbation fantasies, I don’t want to have sex with another man. Isn’t that interesting?
Apparently, there are a lot of guys out there who identify as everything from the queerest of gay to the straightest of macho who have some level of curiosity about jacking off with another dude. And they don’t all see this as a sexual desire.
I still don’t. It’s not really a sexual desire. It’s an innate desire, masked in sexual expression.
When I’ve fantasized about either being caught or seen by another guy while masturbating, or about masturbating with another guy, my desire was never toward sex. I’ve never wanted to have sex with the guy.
Instead, I’ve imagined him walking in on me, looking at me, being there with me, seeing what I’m doing, and either being totally nonchalant about it or praising me. That nonchalance, that praise, would’ve meant he’d accepted me as an equal. It’d have meant he’d approved of me.
This fantasy of masturbating with other guys is and always has been rooted in a hunger for acceptance, approval, validation, and love from my male peers.
But why masturbation? Why not fantasize about winning a football game or starting my own business or discovering a cure for AIDS to gain the favor and approval of my gender-mates? Well, I do fantasize about other things, of course (although never football), but they don’t hit my soul quite the same way as masturbation fantasies do.
Being naked and exposing my sexuality takes one of the deepest parts of my inner being and puts it out on display. There it sits, that representation of my entire being, on its little pedestal, begging for validation.
Group sex, group masturbation, cyber sex, sexting, porn — I believe what drives a lot of men toward these things, regardless of their sexual orientation, is a desire for their peers to look at the deepest parts of their souls, their sexuality, their fully exposed selves, and smile and say, “Yeah, man, you’re awesome! You totally have what it takes!”
I want a man to get naked with me for the purpose of proving to me that he is comfortable with me and wants to be vulnerable with me, that he trusts me, he loves me, and desires to be intimate with me.
This has nothing to do with sex. Sexual behavior is just a perceived, albeit false, means of satisfying this deeper craving.
I want to be counted as one of the guys. Don’t we all?
I want other guys to look at me and completely accept me and approve of me. I want us to have something in common, something we share, and for us all to be fully aware of it, aware of the bonds that hold us together.
So many guys feel that they don’t have what it takes to be one of the guys, to receive that coveted Man Card that so many other guys seem to be born with.
Guys will try all kinds of methods of getting that approval, to feel like real men: they carouse, they womanize, they drink, they work hard, and they win football games, they start their own businesses, and they study hard to hopefully one day make some grand discovery like a cure for AIDS, often in an attempt to validate themselves as real men.
And some men who have SSA get their need to feel validated as men mixed up with their sexuality and try having sex with guys or masturbating with their friends to feel that sense of intimacy, equality, and approval.
Not every man is good at sports. Not every man is rich or self-employed, pursuing their dreams in life. Not every man is going to discover something great. We’re all very different with very different experiences in life.
But we are all men, we all have dicks, and nearly all of us are quite familiar with masturbation. For those of us who have felt like outsiders most of our lives, that most basic piece of similarity is what we often cling to in a desperate effort to feel connected to our gender-mates. It’s what makes us feel like men, at least for a few minutes until the camera shuts off, the porn video ends, or we orgasm, and the fantasy is finished.
This is not a sexual desire. This is a desire to feel like men, to know that we are men, which is a healthy and good desire, and it’s what God wants for us.
Let’s make this distinction between the true desire and the most convenient method of feeling that that desire is getting satisfied. Let’s not believe that this true desire is evil; let’s instead declare at the tops of our lungs that jacking off to fantasies, with friends, and on webcams is not going to meet that need within us!
This has been one of my biggest struggles with lust and fantasy.
It’s not based on sex or homosexuality, but rather an intense need to know that I am a man, that I am an equal with other men, that I am accepted, loved, and approved to the core of my being.
It can be hard to see the truth sometimes and even harder to find what really fulfills that need and rely on that without resorting to my own methods.
I don’t want to end this post by just saying that I am still in the middle of this struggle — but God is good, amen. Basically that’s what I’m holding onto here; it’s the faith that, even though I am in the middle of this struggle, God is not done with me yet. That’s true.
Even though God knows all of this mess I’m in, all of the perversions and lies and fantasies I’ve entertained for almost the last twenty years, he has never turned his back on me or been disgusted with me.
He knows about all of the times I’ve jacked off on webcam and fantasized about guys jacking off with me, and he knows why I did those things and held onto those fantasies.
But he doesn’t want me to just stop fantasizing and doing bad stuff and then grit my teeth and suffer due to my inner lack for the rest of my life.
He knows the needs that fueled my desire to do those things, and he wants to fulfill them.
He wants to show his power in my weakness.
Do you ever fantasize about or desire to masturbate with other guys? Where do you think this desire comes from? How do you think God can fulfill this need?
* Photo courtesy iSnapshot, Creative Commons.