YOBcast Episode 007: Attraction

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What is attraction? Are there variations among physical, emotional, and spiritual attraction — let alone for one gender over another?

Join Tom, Elliott, Sam, John, and Will for a lively roundtable discussion on all things relating to attraction. It’s a broad topic, and we cover as much ground as we can within the hour — while laughing a whole lot along the way, too.

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What variations of attraction have you experienced both for the same sex and opposite sex, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.? Share in the comments below! Enjoy the show.

Show notes for Episode 007:

Tom’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/tom/

Elliott’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/elliott/

Sam’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/sam/

John’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/john/

Will’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/will/

  • Kevin Frye

    Guys, I needed this. I’ve struggled with a lot of questions about attraction, and it helps a lot to hear other SSA guys’ perspectives on the topic. This has helped me so much. Thank you.

  • Barry Smith

    I found this to be a very helpful discussion. I am a married guy that has SSA issues and it helped to point out the similarities between being attracted to men OR women, and whether we are being attracted emotionally or sexually. This discussion pointed out that there are so many different nuances of ‘attraction’ that it is difficult at times to even discern whether we are being attracted to someone because of their outgoing or kind personality and that we just ‘connect’ with them (male or female) or whether you want to see them naked. I think the difficulty that many of the guys on the podcast even had to describe attraction points out how nebulous this subject can be, but it was extremely helpful for me to hear the various guy share.

    • Thanks for your perspective as a married guy, Barry. It’s huge to have you here with us. Glad you enjoyed the show!

  • Brian

    That was a fantastic podcast guys! It hit upon so many of my thoughts that I don’t even know where to begin!
    1. I definitely feel a lot of envy when I see a guy I find attractive. Sometimes I’m envious of his body, the way he carries himself, and how he seems to have many friends.
    2. So true that women can get away with close friendship and still just call it friendship rather than “bromance” or I guess in this case “sismance”. While the phrase bromance has some good intentions, the big issue is that it’s used in a humorous way and not in a serious sense. Almost like its saying “oh me and my guy friend are close friends but we’re not THAT close if you know what I mean. D’oh ho ho!” Why can’t we call it what it is as friendship? Or maybe use the phrase “Philios” to describe it as close brotherly platonic love?
    3. Weirdly I too have felt that some women in period style dress to be more attractive in some ways than modern women. I was watching A Christmas Carol and seeing the women in their Dickens attire and I really felt an odd attraction to them like being married to them would be very pleasant.

    • Barry Smith

      Interesting! I find that pretty women dressed in very modest clothing are much more attractive to me than women in bikinis.

    • Glad you enjoyed this episode, Brian! It’s cool to hear that you resonated so much with our discussion.

      And hooray for your and Elliott’s fixation with Dickens-era female garb.

    • Brian

      I also feel the same way about women in period style dress whether it be from the Victorian Era or women from the 1930s or 40’s. And I agree, there was this mysteriousness, this distinctiveness, this look about them and that’s what makes them attractive and beautiful.

  • Ashley Lavergne

    There is so much to be said about what was said! That is awesome that you guys were so willing to open up like that. I thought it was so cool how you all opened up about your experiences with women and you experiences with attraction towards certain women though short lived or just simply “different” than your attraction to men. I have so much I could say about that! Anyway, you guys are awesome, keep it up.

    • So basically you’re digging all our BROMANCES, right Ashley?

      Thanks for your constant encouragement!

  • Alan Gingery

    This was a very interesting podcast. As always, you gentlemen articulated some fuzzy things and made them clearer.

    I am a married man. I don’t care for the label “bisexual” because it has some negative connotations that I don’t like, but it comes closest to describing my sexual attractions. For example, my sexual attraction has always been to both sexes, but never equally 50-50% at one time. Earlier in my life I was much more strongly sexually attracted to men and now later in life (after a couple of years of therapy) I am mostly attracted to women (or I should say I am sexually attracted to 1 woman who is my wife).

    I also don’t like the label bisexual because it has the connotation of promiscuity–which I don’t relate to at all. I have had one homosexual relationship before I got married and one heterosexual relationship with my wife for 37 years. In the earlier years, I felt a definite romantic attraction and emotional connection to my wife, though my sexual attraction for her was much less than my sexual attraction to men.

    I appreciated some of the great insights from this broadcast: Namely that our SSA for men is often based on envy of men that we perceive are somehow better, more masculine, etc. Often this is only a perception and when we know a person better, that sexual attraction can decrease, because we know longer perceive them as “other” than ourselves (for whatever reason). And likewise, when we somehow make the emotional connection that women are the “other” we suddenly find our interest (sexual, romantic or emotional) in them is kindled. The big switch in my sexual fluidity probably took place because I now feel more confident as a man, not insecure like I once did and I feel at peace with myself. Feeling OK as a man, my sexual attraction shifted from men as the “mysterious other” to women as the “mysterious other.”

    My addiction to gay pornography started about 5 years ago when I was 55. (Yeah–I am a late bloomer.) I paid attention to why I looked at gay porn. Three things: 1) envy of their perceived confidence and masculinity; 2) Desire for connection and affirmation on an intimate level with another man; 2) Desire to find sexual fulfillment–which I perceive as lacking in my life. While recovering from porn addiction has been difficult, I have to say that I don’t look at porn and fantasize having sex with the men I saw in porn. I actually don’t like watching 2 men have sex or groups of men having sex. What I wanted from porn was not sex, but connection and meeting of my legitimate needs for affirmation, affection and attention from men. Of course, porn is a cheat that promises these things, but never delivers them. Real connection and meeting of real needs happens in non-sexual relationships in a community of real men.

    I have experienced sexual fluidity in my sexual attraction. Both the APA and the ATCSI psychologists acknowledge that sexual attraction is fluid.

  • Fred

    Hopefully this might help someone out there. It’s only my experience. I’m very new to this. And I’ve written a little about this before, but I feel I can say it better now (sorry about the repeat).

    I’ve been attracted my whole life, but I’ve only been very attracted to one person so far, I guess a “crush”. But, and it makes me feel terrible, it really is mostly sexual. In fact, I knew the person for a year and was physically attracted immediately when I first looked at them. It’s usually not a good sign when you feel that strongly before you even know a lick about their personality!

    As I got to know the person and became closer of a friend, my physical attraction only increased all the more. When I finally gave up using the internet for stimulation, I started fantasizing about him for the first time. That was the point where I finally realized that I was SSA. Up until that point, I genuinely didn’t realize.

    Very shortly after, I became very ED of them, and started to feel romantic. I had never felt romantic before, EVER. And that’s where I am at now. While I feel some romanticism, it’s still mostly sexual, and I feel the romanticism was brought on by the physical attraction. I find their personality somewhat attractive, but they are somewhat immature and annoying, and VERY self-absorbed. It sucks, because it makes me feel like my romantic feelings aren’t genuine. I feel as if I’m only attracted to his personality because his body is so pleasing, so my mind makes up attraction to his persona to ‘compensate’. Not only do I struggle with SSA, but it seems so selfish and unloving how obsessive it is physically. That’s just me though, and I’m still figuring it out.

  • Fred

    My attraction is mostly very sexual. While their personality is somewhat attractive, whenever I think of them it’s usually about how pleasing their body is to me, not how much I want to be romantically involved. It makes me feel very selfish and makes me feel my romanticism is not genuine. Like I’m just a pervert, not really loving with my heart. Maybe I’m just being to hard on myself. It’s hard to tell, because a lot of other guys just want a strong, masculine man to love them and accept them. I just want to do bad things my heart knows is wrong because of sexual desire. Maybe I’m different, or maybe not so much. All that matters I guess is that Jesus is our top priority, and either way we slice it, homosexuality is not what is meant for us. I hope that this can somehow help someone, maybe someone who feels like me.

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