A few weeks ago, I made a friend at a coffee shop down the road. He’s a gay guy I’d gotten acquainted with through social media, and he got ahold of me because he wanted to know more about me and my faith. You see, where I live, we kinda have a small LGBT community, so it’s kinda easy to identify who’s who.
I befriended this guy online a year or two ago, and we’ve stayed connected through memes and hilarious posts — that’s about it. But then he contacted me and wanted to see if I was down to grab coffee. I was open to the idea and curious what he wanted to talk about.
The day we met up, we could finally put a face and voice to each other. We talked about our jobs, our hobbies, and our backgrounds. From there, the nitty-gritty stuff came up — and the real conversation began.
We talked about God, faith, and being gay. This dude grew up Catholic, the common belief or denomination where I live, and he always had a hard time reconciling his faith and his sexuality.
Eventually, his life led to leaving the church and celebrating his sexuality. Now, he has a boyfriend and a good life — and he still believes in God.
While I was explaining my views to him, he asked me a good question: “Since you are gay, yet you call yourself a Christian, are you worried about being called a hypocrite?”
I’ve thought about his question many times in the past and used to be scared to be viewed that way. Questions would form in my head, and I would wrestle with that view: if I’m a hypocrite, how will I impact the world? Will God love me and still use me if I’m a hypocrite?
I don’t want to be viewed as a hypocrite!
I answered my friend by saying all of this to him:
There’s a cliche in the church that there are no such things as perfect Christians. All of us believers are hypocrites because we all fall short of the glory of God.
Basically, if you’re expecting someone who calls himself a Christian to be perfect, you’re gonna be in for a rude awakening.
There’s no such thing as a perfect Christian. That’s one of the things that grinds my gears: people inside or outside the church expecting us to live perfect lives while never making a mistake!
Hello! We all make mistakes, and we will continue to make mistakes. It’s human nature!
As for me, I know I’m a hypocrite! I’ve told you my story, and honestly, my sexuality hasn’t changed. I still like men! You know that I was a complete man-slut in the past, and back then I probably would’ve hit you up for sex or something and wouldn’t have thought twice about it!
That urge has slowly gone down, yet I still struggle with that! There are still times I want to hook up with someone and just enjoy myself! Thank God I get really lazy when it comes to that now!
I know I’m a very mean and selfish person, too! I don’t take into consideration that my bluntness or words hurt people. There are times I am gonna enjoy hurting you or other people because I really don’t give a crap! My church friends know this and have seen this in person! But I still love God and love being involved in church.
Again, I know I’m a hypocrite, yet I embrace that term and the things it entails because it shows that God can use me despite my flaws. Also, it shows that not all Christians have it together. You’re seeing the process part of being a Christian — or sanctification.
Hey! Maybe in the future, all this hypocrite stuff will dwindle down, and if so, then I’m ready! If not, then I’m ok with that, too!
In the end, my friend and I had a pretty good conversation. Just two regular people talking about life, getting to know each other while being very honest about where we’re at.
Despite our different viewpoints, I know we grew to respect each other. From there, we went our separate ways and said our goodbyes.
What are some other flaws and struggles you experience beyond same-sex attraction? Are you proud of those flaws? Do you feel discouraged or defeated when someone calls you a hypocrite?
* Photo courtesy Brian Bilek, cropped, Creative Commons.
I feel like a hypocrite each and every time I look at a guy, and I constantly have to remind myself that I am hardwired this way. The fact that I don’t act on my desires or be a gay slut (like I used to) is a reminder that I can change. I get heckled by those who know my past, one who said on Facebook that I am still gay. I don’t deny that I lived that way, but what they don’t seem to understand is that there is a vast difference between being SSA and living the gay lifestyle. I’ve been mocked for my celibacy (12 years now), as if they are just waiting for me to fall and lambast when I do. It helps to keep in mind 1 Peter 4:4 “Of course, your former friends are surprised when you no longer plunge into the flood of wild and destructive things they do. So they slander you.” I am not alone.
Boy, I deal with this regularly. I find I’m in conflict trying to reconcile my faith with my ssa and it always comes up short. Being a catholic, I’ve brought this before my confessor almost weekly due to my weakness with falls. I feel like such a hypocrite presenting the same sins. I just to give up at times and say ” I’m gay” and that’s it. It also doesn’t help being married and have this condition.
If anyone has thoughts, I would certainly like to hear your take on this issue. I’m betting very frustrated and when I get this way, it is easy for me to just act out!
Hi Jack! I accepted being SSA about twenty one years ago, but finally started dealing with it in January of last year (2016). I spent many years apart from God, thinking I was hated by Him. He set me straight a few years ago through a massive stroke. I am his child. So are you! He wants a personal relationship with you. One of the most profound things written in the Bible (apart from the salvation of Jesus Christ) is found in Matthew 11:28-30: “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
We, as His children, are free! Free from what society and religion says it is to be a man! Free from what the LGBT community says it is to be gay! Free from politics! Free from needing a boyfriend! Free from needing a girlfriend! Free from the idea of confusing love and sex!
Our condition is entirely biological and we will always have SSA, but God has freed us from all the yoke of societal expectations that exist, and only expects us to love Him and keep His commandments. Being married in this condition is difficult at best (dealt with for 19 years now) but it can be done. We are all hypocrites, but at least we admit it. But we don’t have to live the gay life and we don’t have to live up to the expectations of anybody but God!
Love ya bro!
You make some wonderful points here, Bradley. But may I be allowed to disagree with you on one point, the one where you stated that “Our condition is entirely biological . .” There has never been any scientific proof that SSA is biologically based. Every time some scientist claims that he has found such proof of causation the LGBT crowd and the liberal press go wild. Within hours they plaster it all over the news and the internet. Then the inevitable happens. Other scientists try to replicate these experiments and the results are radically different. When this happens, however, the liberal press ignores the results and the LGBT crowd keeps their mouths shut. If there is a retraction, it is likely to be buried at the bottom of page ten. If the scientific results cannot be replicated, then they remains unproven – nothing more than mere theories. This is true of that whole “gay gene” discovery that could not be replicated and at least one or two other similar studies. When the experiments prove to be faulty, or at least unable to be replicated, the liberal press ignores it all. If you look at our collective stories in YOB, Bradley, the evidence points overwhelmingly to a psychological, not a biological, cause for SSA. Our experiences in childhood are too uncannily similar, especially with regards to our failure to bond with our fathers and also the bullying, abuse and rejection we experienced from our peers in school (very often associated with our painful incompetence at sports and “sports talk”). For some of us the cause is primarily rooted in the father issue; for others it is primarily rooted in the peer rejection issue (my situation was more the latter, although I bonded less and less with my father after the age of 10). Whether it be the failure to identify with a father (or father figure) or male peer abuse and rejection, it mostly comes down to the failure to develop a strong inner masculine identity during childhood. I said “mostly” comes down to…. There is also the problem of smothering and controlling mothers who instill a loathing and fear of female control in us (this also played a major part in my inability to develop a strong sense of heterosexual attraction). This problem of female control is becoming worse and worse – thanks to the feminist movement which has, over the past forty-plus years, eroded natural female vulnerability and fostered ever-increasing levels of aggressiveness and control in women. Female control often leads to misogyny in men – and not just men with SSA. I have an SSA friend who, after a bad marriage, became a self-proclaimed misogynist who thought that all women were witches with a capital “B.” Sadly, he went completely over to the gay side. Kevin’s stories about overcoming misogyny are both revealing and profound. Gathering forty-plus years of experience from my own battles – and the battles of other SSA men I have known (including all of us from YOB) – I simply have to conclude that SSA is primarily caused by emotional / psychological issues and not from biology. The one area in which I think biology plays a major role has to do with that whole sports issue. Our lack of athletic ability is biological, which lays the groundwork for failing to bond with other men through sports. However, the necessity to bond through sports and sports talk is purely cultural, an artificial cultural standard that has left most men like us out in the cold. The abuse and rejection we experience at school because of this is both psychological and spiritual, as is the manner in which we internalize the resulting pain and peer disconnect. Therefore, our lack of athletic ability and physical orientation is biological; how we inwardly adapt to a hostile male culture that mocks and rejects us because we don’t fit into its artificial mode of masculinity is not biological.
You are correct on it primarily being of psychological in nature. I had many of the same issues you talk about: failure to bond with my father, a controling mother, raised aroung feminism, etc. The biological issue I speak of is the stimulation of the prostrate, which can only happen in the course of gay sex. I have a very addictive personality (thanks mom and dad), and when my prostrate was stimulated during my first sexual encounter with a man, I was hooked. It was very much like a drug, and I was willing to endure the pain and humiliation of gay sex, just to get the same feeling again. But like a drug, each encounter I had was less and less potent, and soon I wasn’t having sex to feel good, but to not feel bad. I had also developed psychological codependancy with my exboyfriend, always trying to recapture my youth and the comradery I missed with my best friend (he took his own life when I was 14), as well as the closeness I missed with my own father. My exboyfriend devastated me when he told me that I was only good for sex, which was kind of a good thing because it lead to my celibacy 12 years ago. I too do not believe in the gay gene. I was not born SSA, and there were a number of mitigating factors that caused it to happen, not one thing.
Thank you for clarifying what you meant, Bradley. Your story of deliverance is so compelling. Sometimes the Lord uses the most painful circumstances (like being told by someone you care about that you’re only good for sex) to deliver us from our self-destructive behavior. I know that He used the years of rejection and humiliation I endured from my male peers in school to bring me down SO low that I had no one to turn to but Him. He used my pain to bring me to the foot of the Cross. I’m glad that He used your own inner devastation to draw you unto Himself. I’m sure that many – perhaps all – of us Yobbers can relate to that!
Hi Buck! If you are interested in reading the whole story, it is on my blog. I apologize in advance for its length and sometimes rambling nature of my musings.
Thank you, my brother!
What is Yobbers?
Hi Bradley, Your words are encouraging. My friend used to have his prostate stimulated as well and I think it was a drug to him too. He has been away from that for many years, but I know that the desires are still there. Sexual desires are the most difficult to overcome. It affects are pleasure nodes and it’s most addictive and can take years to overcome. Through mitigating circumstances that come into our life by the Holy Ghost, the burden is lessened and we are able to bear it and finally it passes away. I have been celibate from male affections for 15 years, but I still masturbated. I just didn’t have sex with men. I had sex with men in my mind, which, according the LORD, is the same thing as having done it. Thus the journey of sin repent begins, ugh. LOL But, I am thankful that we are not alone.
Hi At Peace! Know that you aren’t the only one with masturbation issues. I have many issues due to psychological need from biological stimulus. Giving up gay sex and going into a life of celibacy (12.5 years now) was probably the hardest thing I ever did (because I was doing it apart from the Lord, and I nearly fell a few times). Right now I am trying to break myself from addiction to pornography. I started in February 2016, and have had only two relapses. I found the pattern of the relapses and what triggers them, so that I can avoid them (only through the power of prayer to the Lord).
When I better get this under control, I will begin to tackle masturbation, but already I have seen some results by ending the viewing of porn. I have gone from three times daily to about three to four times a week (sometimes even less). I’m not sure if I can lick it entirely, but I do know that I have a savior who does forgive me when I do fall. ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE ISSUE AT A TIME!
I know the feeling Brad. I am friends to a non Christian SSA. After years of celibacy I was very lonely. I was adamant not to have sex with anyone and of course I let them b*** me. I told them that I don’t get any pleasure out of that, and I don’t. I just was looking for the affection. They got disgusted with me. I have bouts of masturbation that last for about a week. Could be age related or the high blood pressure meds I am on that keeps this part of my body under. My dear old pastor told me once, just get it over with, don’t dwell on it. He had 10 kids so he knew something about the subject.
I know that need for affection…believe me I do. But seeking it with other gay men (even if they are Christian) can be very dangerous. I know, because I nearly fell a few times. Few straight me will give that physical affection because they are afraid it will make them gay. If you are to seek affection from another gay man and not have sexual contact, then clear guidelines must be established beforehand, and they must be agreed upon beforehand. The only other solution I have to offer is lonliness (which I go through (I am in a loveless marriage)) and the occasional masturbation. It sucks, I know it. I would love to have affection with another guy, but the temptation to sin is too great for me, so it is better to be alone with my occasional misery and self loathing than to be in sin.
Hi Brad, it’s too bad you are living in a loveless marriage. I have no idea what that would be like. But you are right, the idea of hanky panky scares the crap out of me. My friend is unique in that he loves what we have and can settle for a non sexual friendship. I also believe that our friendship is ordained. He is in the Lord’s hands and I have left the leading to Him. But, when I am weak than He is strong. I hope you do find a brother who is relaxed but resolute in the Lord regarding gay or SSA. By the way, your blog is incredible, a real page turner, still not done reading.
Thanks dude! Love ya!
But, I do understand why the need for abstinence. I want to share a sermon that i heard today, it has been super encouraging and I think everyone who hears it, will be uplifted. .http://www.tscnyc.org/media_center.php?pg=sermons&ma=47776&size=audio
Thanks. I will check it out thid evening.
I listened to the full sermon, and it is beautiful, helping me to understand the stroke better. I know that because of it I became more faithful, better understand how He used it to confront my past and use it for His glory. Even in my darkest years, I never gave up on His existence, and finally He came for me, through the stroke.
We all commit the same sins over and over. There’s the story of the Irish priests whose parishes were separated by a river. They would go there every week for confession and one would confess by yelling across the river, “The usual,” and the other would assign the penance by yelling back, “The usual.” Don’t get discouraged. I think that we are in trouble not when we keep committing the same sins, but when we accept them. Confessing your sins shows that you do not accept your sinfulness, and that’s all God wants.
Thanks so much for you comments. First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you experienced a massive stroke. I hope you have recovered from that affliction.
Second, I guess part of my conflict is that I badly need connection from a man. I never had it from my own father or uncles in my family. I was given over to women to be raised resulting in extreme feminine influence.
Is it so wrong to want to be held by another man? I know it can lead to other things if one is not carful. I’ve experienced these many times over the years. But the need for that closeness just doesn’t go away. I hope you understand.
I’m not trying to justify my ssa and acting out….its a consequence of my inordinate need.
Let me know your thoughts if you have anything you want to share. Thanks.
Love ya back!
Jack, the whole premise of this site is that we need intimacy at some level. If you aren’t familiar with the blog Spiritual Friendship, check it out. Yes, intimacy can lead to sin if one is not careful, but I think it is important to realize that intimacy, including physical contact, is not inherently sinful. When it becomes physically sexual is when it becomes wrong. Experience will show you what is safe for you.
Thanks for your words. I’ll go to that blog and check it out.
I know the pain of not having a male influence in your life, as my parents were divorced when I was two, and I only saw my father during the summer. My mother believed she didn’t need a man, and didn’t realize I did. When it came time to talk to me about sex, she relegated it to my uncle, who showed me pornographic films because he was uncomfortable talking about it. My best friend then committed suicide when I was fourteen. He was the only male I ever loved (nothing sexual) and I was devestated. If you need a friend to talk to, I answer all emails at [email protected]
I am 61 years old and have fought this battle since I received Christ nearly 42 years ago. By the grace of God, I have remained celibate for four decades. I have been fortunate to share high levels of non-sexual intimacy with other men for a few all-too brief periods of my life (death and a long distance moves put an end to all that, I’m afraid). I can tell you, from experience, that you can be held by a man and not have int lead to anything sexual. The sad thing is that, in our culture, nearly all levels of intimacy between men are now labelled as gay (except, at times, in the context of sports – something that few of us Yobbers were ever good at). But it wasn’t always that way. In Bible times men kissed each other, expressed love verbally to each other and wept on each other’s necks. John rested his head up against Jesus during the last supper. The same is true during other eras that followed. During the Victorian era, male friends could be very affectionate in a non-erotic wan and no one thought anything about it. Male friends often visited professional photographers and had photos taken of themselves holding hands and side hugging. They often shared beds together and verbally expressed affection to each other in the letters they wrote. They were free to be naked together, bathing and skinny dipping together with no hint of homo-eroticism (oh those prudish Victorians!) This all occurred at a time when America was still grounded in Judeo-Christian principals and traditional Biblical sexual morality. Now that our culture has abandoned it’s Judeo-Christian moorings and given itself over to secularism and the sexual revolution, we find ourselves in a world where non-sexual intimacy between men is rarely experienced and treated with utter suspicion. It’s as if our culture says that gay sex is OK but non-sexual affection between men is just plain weird. These are the same folks who think that they are so liberated but who are, in truth, in utter bondage. So, if men like us freely express non-sexual intimacy but refrain from any form of homo-eroticism, then we are upholding traditional values! We are acting like men in the Bible and those so called “repressed Victorians.” I like those kind of traditional values, don’t you? I don’t know where you live, Jack, but if you live within a day’s drive of Philadelphia, I’ll gladly get together for some serious hugging! If you join the Yobbers group, you can contact me through the messaging system. I use my real name in Yobbers (it is a secret Facebook group you can join) but you will find me easily – I am 61 and live near Philadelphia.
Typo alert – line 8 should read “male friends could be very affectionate in a non-erotic way
and no one thought anything about it.”
Thanks for your words. I would like very much to meet you. I live near Easton, PA. I guess my greatest need is for male contact in some way. Being deprived from physical hugging my whole life has created an,abyss in me that Imcontinue to try and fill if you know what I mean.
I appreciate your kind words and offer.
I can’t believe you live in Easton! I live in in Montgomery County – not far from you at all! I’ll be more than happy to get together with you, my friend! I don’t use my real name on this site because I would probably lose my roommate if he knew I struggled with SSA. I can’t afford my place without another renter and this roommate has been the best I’ve ever had (and stayed the longest). He’s said and done a few things that have made me wonder if he is suspicious. Hence, the pseudonym. So, how do we contact each other? If you join our Patreon group, Yobbers, you will find my name among the members – just look for the one from north of Philly. I also stand out because I don’t have a Facebook photo attached (I haven’t figured how to download photos – I still use film! Very “old School”). You can also give me your email address on this site, if you feel comfortable doing so (since you’ve shared your name, you may not find it a problem). In any case, I so look forward to getting to know you, my brother! Rest assured, you can feel safe with me. I have been celibate since I gave my life to Christ in 1975. I’ve had some porn and lust related falls (and one very brief incident of fondling back in late 1975) but, by the grace of God, I have not engaged in homosexual acts the entire time I have been a believer. So you should feel safe with me. I am a self-described world champion hugger! I am also very experienced in holding to strict boundaries. Contact me soon, my friend and brother.
I can messenger you, if you’re on it. I’ll send my email that way if it works for you. Let me know what you think:-)
Jack – do you mean Messenger in Facebook? That might work. Since I am not in a position to put my name out openly on this site, let me see if I can look you up and message you on Facebook first.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Jack – I tried to send you a message thru messenger but one has to be “friends” on Facebook with the person one is messeging. Otherwise the system won’t work. So, I just sent you that Facebook friends request. It has my real name – so you will recognize it, my last name starts with “H.” Remember that I have no Facebook photo – I will try to get a tech-savvy friend to help me with that. After we are technically Facebook friends we can message each other any time we want.
By the way, I will not have access to my computer between 7:00 PM and 10:00 PM tonight, so my response will likely be late tonight.
Thank you Buckdipper for your encouraging words and enduring faith. I always felt that there was nothing wrong with men being with men like you have pointed out, and it’s so true. I feel quite comfortable embracing my friend. The only thing I wish is that he was as I, a believer in the LORD Jesus Christ. The Lord said something to me the other day, “Karl, be yourself, and love me”.. I understood that to mean that I love Him and acknowledge Him, He will direct my path. But don’t be someone else, don’t “try” to be a Christian. Just be yourself and let Me do the changing.
Thanks Bradley…I appreciate that.
Matt..sorry about chiming in late. I too can be mean, sarcastic , snotty and cruel. In some ways it feels more natural than my SSA. I am a natural smart@$$. It’s my talent. I am good at it.
I also feel shame over it when it gets out of hand. Most of my friends and family know how I am. And generally it’s with humorous intent that I get mouthy like that, but for people that do not know me well, I can really get them po’d.
Do I feel like a hypocrite? Not really, but I’m not real proud about it either
The answer to the question given could have been, “Christ saw me, picked me up, brought me into His Kingdom, gave me His Spirit and I had nothing to do with it, accept that i put my complete trust in Him. He saw what I was, but His blood passed over the whole of man kind “once for all” two thousand years ago and I am forgiven, as well as you are forgiven. He knows my shortcomings, my failures, and this is not my life anymore, this is God’s life. If He wants me to have these same sex desires, so be it. After all this is His life now. My faith is not my own, as it is written in the old testament, “the just shall live by HIS faith”. My part is to trust Him that He knows exactly what He is doing. If I should give into someone that I consider a sin, He is there to forgive me of my sin and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. I am a work in progress. If people don’t like it, talk to my Father”.
I want to first say that I don’t think of you as a hypocrite Matt. It is one thing to have carnal thoughts, but another thing to act on them. Yes, I do have some serious flaws myself aside from the SSA like my ADD, my OCD and my low self-esteem. I’m simply broken and so is everyone else (Romans 3:23). Sometimes these flaws do serve my purposes because they keep me from being wounded more severely than expected or protect me from underperforming at my job or keeps me humble, not arrogant. This might not make a whole lot of sense. You just have to be in my head. Only when the enemy points the finger at me after sinning does the guilt of hypocrisy take root. I’m scared God would stop loving me and discard me to hell.
I am not sure if this is the right place of this post, but I don’t feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I let myself down. About 5 months ago, I had put an ad on social media, looking for friendship with a guy that was non sexual. I just wanted the affections that I was craving. Before that I went with a fellow for less than a month who became very angry about my insertions of God in my conversation. He wanted to be gay and he did not want to be converted. Believe me, I wasn’t trying to convert him, I was merely looking for his friendship. That ended abruptly. I went searching again and I basically gave up on the notion that there was any guy out there that just wanted affection and not sex. But one lonely man contacted me and we got on the phone and we chatted for hours. He doesn’t believe in God, but has some sort of a past that has changed his perceptions about Him and through circumstances and education formed his own opinion. He calls himself a gay man, but doesn’t have sex with them. I don’t consider myself gay, because that is the worlds interpretation of this sin. I belong to Jesus Christ first, and I have SSA. I have led up to this portion of the text to share with you some developments in our friendship that has frightened me. I found myself doing something that i had never done in over 15 years, I seduced him. He wanted it for sure. But, I was taken aback by my behaviour. Leading up to this, we had spent much time together. Usually, twice a week. We’d go for walks, have long talks, go for dinners, have supper at home, and watch some movies while we cuddled. It was great. But then, we started kissing, and feeling more, and then this. There was no anal or oral sex, just the feeling of our bodies together. Just the other day, God shook me through another circumstance and caused me to see what was happening and now I might have destroyed a friendship that started off well. I love my friend, but I love God more. I am not a co-dependent, as I don’t need his affections 24/7. When we meet, we enjoy each others company. However, I am limited in speaking about the LORD. My Mother told me to just be a light, don’t bombard people with God or clobber them with verses, just insert here and there as you feel led. I am seeing him tonight and I am going to tell him that I have to go back to what we were doing before. He may withdraw from me, or he may not. I know the price of the gospel, and it’s worth every drop of blood. Since meeting him, i have stopped looking at guys. I don’t desire to be with men. But the seduction must end and I hope my friendship with him on a friendship level will continue to grow. I value my other brothers opinion and experience. Thank you
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