In all my years of wrestling with same-sex attraction — a physical and emotional attraction I can trace back to first grade — not once have I ever sought out or even remotely desired sex with another man.
I realize and must certainly clarify that my story is my story alone. I can’t speak on behalf of all my other brothers: their yearnings, their temptations, their stories.
I can only speak for me, and well — I’ve just never wanted to have sex with another guy. I’ve never wanted to have sex with a woman either, for that matter, but that goes without saying to this point.
But what do you mean? you might be asking. How do you experience same-sex attraction without wanting sex?
In all my self-contemplation and self-analysis over the last couple decades, I’ve wondered some things myself.
Am I a sort of “asexual homosexual”?
I guess I’m a man attracted to other men but not that attracted to other men? I’ve fantasized about sharing certain physical experiences with other men, sure — but never anything as far as sex.
I’ve downloaded certain apps and visited certain websites out of sheer curiosity. I’ve done things online with other men that I regret.
But never have I followed through on connecting with another man in person. I’ve thought about it. I’ve come close-ish to doing it. But as of yet, I’ve never done it.
I know what I’d want out of a physical encounter — but what would stop some dude from escalating things to a place I don’t even want to go?
That fear and disconnect from other horny men have kept me “pure” to this point — if that’s what you can call it.
Which also makes me wonder.
At 29, am I still living out the remnants of a sheltered upbringing?
I was a boy raised in a Christian home who didn’t see pornography until nearly his twenties. A boy who didn’t have many same-sex friends growing up. A boy who has never dated, never kissed.
Maybe I don’t want to have sex with either gender because sex is simply so far beyond anything I’ve ever known.
What about dating? What about kissing? What about basic brotherhood with other men?
After all, most days, I just want to share an epic hiking adventure or a long conversation on a couch or a deep hug more than anything else. To be honest, sex feels a little . . . extreme.
Which prompts voices from both ends of the spectrum.
Other Christians will encourage me to stay on the straight and narrow road of sexlessness before marriage, if marriage ever comes. And then others will tell me I need to get out there and live a little and date men and even “practice” sex until it feels right, until I do desire it, until sex becomes normalized.
Neither side is helpful, if I’m honest.
Will someone sit with me in my isolation?
Just because virginity is relatively easy for me doesn’t mean I enjoy being a misunderstood minority. And just because I find abs and broad shoulders appealing doesn’t mean sex with another man will “fix” me.
I feel detached from both sides.
I feel separated from collective humanity and even this niche SSA faith community when I don’t yearn for the same sexual things most folks do.
I may never get married, and I may never have sex with another man or a woman until the day I die, and this terrifies me in a sense — that I’m “missing out” on some basic human experience.
Which makes me wonder one final thing.
Will my sexual yearnings shift or evolve in the years to come?
Will I wake up one day and suddenly want to experiment with something that’s previously been as appealing as caramelized cottage cheese? Or will I feel in 50 years how I’ve felt for the last 30? A timid boy who just wants a man and a group of fellow men to accept him and venture with him and hold him close as nightfall turns to morningtide turns to months and years, reminding him over and over
I don’t want sex with another man like I don’t want sex with a woman — like it’s always been and may always be. And most days I just need someone to tell me that’s okay. I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.
Have you ever wanted or sought out sex with another man, or do your same-sex attractions also only extend to a certain degree? Without being explicit, did sex with another man satisfy you on some base level or leave you wanting more?