In all my years of wrestling with same-sex attraction — a physical and emotional attraction I can trace back to first grade — not once have I ever sought out or even remotely desired sex with another man.
I realize and must certainly clarify that my story is my story alone. I can’t speak on behalf of all my other brothers: their yearnings, their temptations, their stories.
I can only speak for me, and well — I’ve just never wanted to have sex with another guy. I’ve never wanted to have sex with a woman either, for that matter, but that goes without saying to this point.
But what do you mean? you might be asking. How do you experience same-sex attraction without wanting sex?
In all my self-contemplation and self-analysis over the last couple decades, I’ve wondered some things myself.
Am I a sort of “asexual homosexual”?
I guess I’m a man attracted to other men but not that attracted to other men? I’ve fantasized about sharing certain physical experiences with other men, sure — but never anything as far as sex.
I’ve downloaded certain apps and visited certain websites out of sheer curiosity. I’ve done things online with other men that I regret.
But never have I followed through on connecting with another man in person. I’ve thought about it. I’ve come close-ish to doing it. But as of yet, I’ve never done it.
I know what I’d want out of a physical encounter — but what would stop some dude from escalating things to a place I don’t even want to go?
That fear and disconnect from other horny men have kept me “pure” to this point — if that’s what you can call it.
Which also makes me wonder.
At 29, am I still living out the remnants of a sheltered upbringing?
I was a boy raised in a Christian home who didn’t see pornography until nearly his twenties. A boy who didn’t have many same-sex friends growing up. A boy who has never dated, never kissed.
Maybe I don’t want to have sex with either gender because sex is simply so far beyond anything I’ve ever known.
What about dating? What about kissing? What about basic brotherhood with other men?
After all, most days, I just want to share an epic hiking adventure or a long conversation on a couch or a deep hug more than anything else. To be honest, sex feels a little . . . extreme.
Which prompts voices from both ends of the spectrum.
Other Christians will encourage me to stay on the straight and narrow road of sexlessness before marriage, if marriage ever comes. And then others will tell me I need to get out there and live a little and date men and even “practice” sex until it feels right, until I do desire it, until sex becomes normalized.
Neither side is helpful, if I’m honest.
Will someone sit with me in my isolation?
Just because virginity is relatively easy for me doesn’t mean I enjoy being a misunderstood minority. And just because I find abs and broad shoulders appealing doesn’t mean sex with another man will “fix” me.
I feel detached from both sides.
I feel separated from collective humanity and even this niche SSA faith community when I don’t yearn for the same sexual things most folks do.
I may never get married, and I may never have sex with another man or a woman until the day I die, and this terrifies me in a sense — that I’m “missing out” on some basic human experience.
Which makes me wonder one final thing.
Will my sexual yearnings shift or evolve in the years to come?
Will I wake up one day and suddenly want to experiment with something that’s previously been as appealing as caramelized cottage cheese? Or will I feel in 50 years how I’ve felt for the last 30? A timid boy who just wants a man and a group of fellow men to accept him and venture with him and hold him close as nightfall turns to morningtide turns to months and years, reminding him over and over
I don’t want sex with another man like I don’t want sex with a woman — like it’s always been and may always be. And most days I just need someone to tell me that’s okay. I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.
Have you ever wanted or sought out sex with another man, or do your same-sex attractions also only extend to a certain degree? Without being explicit, did sex with another man satisfy you on some base level or leave you wanting more?
Funny because I just had that realization recently after reading Kevin’s book. Let me share with you an entry I wrote on my journal regarding the book:
“I realized that yes, I am indeed attracted to men. However, is the attraction inherently sexual? NO. I proved it the moment I saw a very attractive guy. Then I asked myself: what do I really desire with this man? Yes, I wanted to touch his body, and I even wondered how it feels to be in his strong arms. I wanted to be affectionate to him and I wanted him to kiss me on the cheeks or forehead. You know what I found out? I realized that the desire to have sex with him is not there.
My attraction to men is purely emotional (most probably due to the lack of same-sex intimacy during childhood). It’s just that I had been fooled by this homophobic/oversexualized society that the attraction is sexual that is why I had always expressed it sexually in the past. I think I’m okay with the attraction as long as I do not sexually act on it. Instead, I can express it platonically. I can cuddle and hug men and not feel guilty about it as long as I don’t feel lustful desires towards them and as long as I do not engage in sexual relations with them.
Kevin’s book gave emphasis on what really the bible prohibits: The bible only condemns homosexual acts meaning sex with men itself. So there is nothing wrong with David and Jonathan loving each other deeply because it doesn’t involve sex meaning it’s not sexual. Even John rested on the chest of Jesus. Would Jesus allow something He condemns? Of course not. So cuddling and hugging are definitely not gay. The only homosexual thing God stated is gay sex itself. I realized how the world has oversexualized everything. What’s more painful to know is that some churches do not go against this flow.
I’m so happy when I found out that my same-sex attraction has nothing to do with sex. This realization led me into coming to terms with my faith and sexuality.”
Like you, I don’t appreciate sex that much either. I prefer physical and emotional intimacy over sex.
Glad you read Kevin’s book! It’s so great. He’s a wise dude. Good stuff here, Prince.
His book is a blessing! All my life, I thought the desire for physical touch with men is sinful. Thank God I am now free of that lie. I can finally say that I don’t need to be straight. What I need is an intimate platonic relationship with another man.
I think I first started realizing a lot of that with Kevin’s book too! You’re right, it is freeing to realize that physical contact isn’t sin. I’m now shifting a bit from feeling I “need” an intimate but non-sexual relationship, to realizing that if most guys are afraid of it, to just reap the many blessings of a guy-guy friendship. I think I easily idolize physical contact. I guess I just want to encourage you to not write guys off if they don’t want to be intimate in any physical way.
Yeah, well I haven’t really experienced physical intimacy with mutual consent because the homophobia in my country is immense. However, I no longer feel awkward when a guy hugs me maybe because I am now aware that it’s not sinful.
There’s this guy from the neighboring church who hugged me from the behind and put his head on my shoulder. Without such realization, I would’ve stayed away from him but it seems like he’s just being thankful that I finally showed up on his birthday after my period of isolation.
Still, I am praying for intimate relationships.
I know this is an old thread, but I read it and I wanted to ask, where is line is that your drawing?
For me, I’ve always been a touchy person. I’m a little awkward about it, not to lie (haha) but I’ve had no problems with touch.
Except for when it’s brought on by other feelings. I think I agree with You about hugging and stuff, it’s in no way gay. I’m a hugger. But I feel like when it is a turn on (with certain people) then even when it isn’t inherently sexual, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve reached out to touch a friend I’ve been attracted to multiple times, with innocent intentions and bad ones, and it felt so wrong while doing it. I can’t in good conscious justify it, because the feeling of extasy is too much of an idol for me.
So what is your take? Yes, hugging is not ALWAYS sexual. But even when sexual isn’t the intention, is it still something that should be avoided if feelings are there? Just curious 🙂
Like what I said, my attraction to men is never sexual to begin with. I just had that mindset in the past where sex is the only access I knew to obtain my non-sexual needs. Eventually, I equated intimacy to sex that’s why I always thought sex is what I needed. But now, I know what is really necessary. Yes, I still feel the temptation but the lust greatly diminishes through physical affection with some of my friends. I guess I’m also drawing the line exactly where God has drawn it. He defined homosexual act as having sex with the members of the same sex. Therefore, I’m okay as long as I’m not having sex with men. Still, lust is something to watch out for. Recounting the past events, I realized that all I wanted was intimate physical contact with men. I never really had the desire to have sex.
There are times where you feel lust while having contact with other men. But don’t let that stop you. Trust me, the more you emotionally connect with a man, the temptation will greatly lose its power. It happened to me. It’ll always be awkward at first. Avoiding physical contact with men is not really helpful. Your unmet needs will only build up causing you to sexuallly act on it. However; if you feed your attraction with non-sexual intimacy, you are less likely to act it out sexually.
On biblical grounds, ‘gay’ means having sex with the members of the same-sex. Not cuddling, not hugging, not admiring the beauty of another man and not having feminine qualities. Therefore, I’m not gay. I never was to begin with.
I like what you said about physical touch being a means to avoid temptation; interesting point of view!
Like I said, I’ve always been fine with touching. I’m a hugger, which I get from my family. However, if I have romantic feelings for a guy, I still touch and stuff, but I don’t feel my heart is in the right place about it, so I avoid going out of my way to touch them. It leads to lustful thoughts. Therefore, I think I will continue not to let myself get touchy with them, but of course my friends whom I have no feelings for I will continue to have normal relationships with, including hugging and stuff if they’re OK with that.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask, but just to clarify, is dating in your view of homosexuality? Or marriage? Technically neither of these things constitute sex.
One of the greatest blessing God has given me is that I never get romantically attracted to men. I have strong feelings for the only man I completely desexualized but those are not romantic in nature. Every time I see an attractive man, my thoughts are about touching him and not to have sex with him. So I guess I haven’t really lusted after a man. My sexual encounters are just my only known way for touch.
Well, friends can date. When it comes to marriage, I believe it’s only for a man and a woman. Men are meant to be brothers not lovers.
After reading this long list of comments about attraction towards men yearning for intimacy and close physical contact without gay sex, I have had my eyes opened. Pornography is the number one thing that emphasizes that being gay directly means gay sex. There must be a reason why Yahweh allowed the intimate story of David and Jonathan to be in His word for us to read. It was to clearly show that he’s against gay sex but happy to see intimacy with Him being the center of the relationship. I discovered my homosexual desires when I was five and I even did oral sex with someone. I hated and it haunted me for so long. As I fought porn, I was convinced that being gay was just as shown in porn and how people viewed it. Yet, I never asked myself why this whole time I had been praying to have a friendship like that of David and Jonathan without sexual intercourse. I now get it. Intercourse is a really disgusting thing to me but the intimacy of hugging and cuddling is the big hole in my heart. Today I had said that I’d die with pain in my heart because I didn’t want to anger Yahweh in my fleshly desires but my dad just taught us from Ecclesiastes 6:3-6 which shows the importance of happiness. Thanks for showing me some light and kicking out porn based thoughts about my sexuality.
A humble request to everyone, if you read this, tell me if the intimacy that I desire without marriage or intercourse is right or wrong.
I don’t think that I would want sex with another man if it weren’t for porn. I think that for some of us (me anyway) we are attracted to guys that have physical characteristics that we envy. This envy leads us to look at porn which then ignites desires to try other things. However, when one looks at it objectively, sex with another man is really pretty gross and one has to wonder why anyone would want to do that.
Yeah, envy is the absolute root of my SSA. And I too couldn’t get over the gross factor of gay sex. It just doesn’t appeal to me. At all. Glad to know I’m not alone in this, Malcolm.
What an interesting perspective, Tom. You sound like someone I’d like to hang out with! The word “sex” can mean different things to different men. I’ve had traditional physical contact with 2 females. I’ve had *sex* with my partner once (albeit very awkwardly because I was repulsed!), and I’ve kissed about a half dozen men since I was in my mid 20s. Porn happened when I was a few years into my relationship with my bf, at almost 30, which really only became a habit when I was in my mid-30s. The last time I met a man, I was, to use an old-fashioned term, lascivious (haha), and it got heavy really quick. That lasted for a couple weeks (he was/is not a believer), and I had to cut it off. That was 2 years ago this month, and I’ve avoided dating or anything like that since. Right now, I have zerrroooo desire for a girlfriend. I do long for a boyfriend/companion, especially now since I’ve become so *Christian*/spiritual/religious. I can totally see myself in a hopeless crush on a likeminded guy, since I know myself, and can become smitten in a heartbeat. Sigh.
“Without being explicit, did sex with another man satisfy you on some base level or leave you wanting more?” More, I can easily say, because humans aren’t sexual beings only. It’s just a desire we have, both biological and spiritual. I fantasize. Porn kind of contributed to that, though I was disgusted at how depraved much of it was. I agree with Malcom about the envy, though it is confusing sometimes. It sometimes amazes me the various kinds of guys I’ve been attracted to (I’m 5’10, 145 and pale), but it’s rarely just about looks. I have seen women and their…assets…and had immediate lustful thoughts, though that’s rare.
“My attraction to men is purely emotional (most probably due to the lack of same-sex intimacy during childhood). It’s just that I had been fooled by this homophobic/oversexualized society that the attraction is sexual that is why I had always expressed it sexually in the past. I think I’m okay with the attraction as long as I do not sexually act on it.” Agreed, Prince. I’ll have these moments where I’m thinking to myself that sexual purity is an awesome gift, and not only that, but the desire for purity more so. It’s easy to be reminded of what we’re missing right now (i.e. physical touch), but God is faithful, and I really believe the Holy Spirit helps preserve us.
Physical touch is my primary love language so it’s really hard for me being deprived of touch from men. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m hitting on them so I refuse to express my desire for touch.
Prince, I have the same problem. May I suggest joining the Patreon group? One of the advantages is that many of us in the group list our city and state – we can therefore locate brothers who live within driving distance of where we live. We can then contact each other through Facebook messaging, opening the door to friendships where we can express our need for affectionate couch without it being misinterpreted as something sexual. Think about joining us, my brother!
Sounds like a great idea! Is that a US-based group? If it is, I may not be able to join because I’m outside the US. I really appreciate the invitation. I just hope groups like that exist here in our country.
Our Patreon group is open to anyone around the world, Prince. Check out our support tab for more information.
I should clarify here that our Patreon group is not exclusively for meeting up with other supportive brothers. We use the group to post comments/discussions on relevant topics as well as provide a forum for future podcast episodes. As for connecting with other brothers, I recommend forming friendships (with willing parties) via digital communication before driving anywhere to meet up with someone for physical touch or otherwise.
Thanks, Joshua. Maybe we’ll get the chance to hang one day? Thanks for sharing your story here. Much love to you, brother.
I am so glad you wrote this. You are not alone and you helped me know I’m not alone. Even though I’ve been in this group a while, I haven’t really connected with this group because no one has expressed what you just expressed.
I was molested when I was five. I have led a sexually active life having sex with both men and women but always feeling used and abused because they got the sex they wanted but they refused to cuddle with me like I wanted.
When I used to read porn, I would enjoy gay porn up until they started having sex. As long as they were just cuddling or growing closer, I wanted it. The moment they started having sex, I lost interest.
Gays say anal sex is “natural” but if it was so natural, why does it require lube, condoms, drugs and stretching exercises to make it stop being painful? Oral is easier than anal but even oral is not natural. The only natural way to have sex is vaginal but even the women I have been with didn’t want to cuddle. What do I want? I want to share a bed with a man where we just talk and snuggle, without any performance pressure or rigorous activity, just casual, friendly, brotherly love.
There are many more like us. If you look at America a century ago, it was more acceptable for men to snuggle without anyone assuming a sexual relationship. A century ago, most men shared brotherhood with other men. It’s only been in recent decades that society has frowned upon brotherhood insisting that men just need sex. I don’t need to be cured from my same sex attraction. I need other men who also want the same kind of brotherhood that was common a century ago and so rare today.
For me, my first time was VERY painful. We didn’t really know what we were doing and it was done “bareback”. I assumed I liked it because I ejaculated and came to associate sex with pain, just something I had to endure to get ten minutes of pleasure and two days of guilt and shame.
Thanks for being bold with your story, Jeff. I’m glad my perspective could connect with your own. I resonate with your need at the end of this comment. So true: I don’t need curing. I need brotherhood.
I have similar experience, I’ve always needed a lot of physical affection and I believed I was gay just because most men don’t share this need, or at least don’t acknowledge it. I always felt like sex was the price I had to pay to get any kind of physical contact and I was often left disappointed when I didn’t get a fair trade. I have the same opinion of porn too, I’ll watch the first few minutes until it becomes overly sexual and then stop and switch to another one.
Jeff and Charlie – I too, crave the kind of friendship we men enjoyed a century ago – AND during Bible times and later on during World War II. It is so tragic that the myriad of photos from the Civil War era through World War II depicting the kind of high, intimacy, non-sexual friendships (what I call “Alpha Friendships”) that we long for have been hijacked by gay websites. Those sites display these photos under the title of “vintage gay couples,” when in fact the overwhelming majority of these photos depict “our kind” of friendship, Even the close friendships of the past (including that of Abraham Lincoln and his roommate) are now being reinterpreted as gay by the LGBT movement. They have literally hijacked history. To further their own agenda they automatically label anyone with SSA as gay and any close-bonded friendship as gay. It’s time to reclaim the history of “our kind” of friendships!
“To further their own agenda they automatically label anyone with SSA as gay…” This is what happened to me. I thought that because I was SSA, I had to live the gay lifestyle, and it messed me up bad.
Same here with the porn habits, Charlie. I just never got sucked into the hardcore sexual stuff. Thankfully, I’ve also been spared from face-to-face sexual encounters. Your line about not getting a “fair trade” really gnaws at me. I’m sorry you experienced that heartache, brother.
I can’t say that I don’t have any desire at all for sex with a man, but the desire for emotional connection is definitely something I feel a lot more often. There aren’t that many guys I’ve met where I consistently, actively have to avoid lustful thoughts around them. I wonder how much this has been influenced by the fact that I discourage the sexual thoughts, but not the emotional ones.
All about that emotional connection…
Because I was SSA, and I believed the propaganda of the media and the LGBT community, I thought I had to have sex with a guy. This is how I wound up losing my virginity to the guy who would later be my boyfriend. It was very painful, but I ejaculated, and so I assumed I enjoyed it. I had numerous encounters with various guy, trying to get back the same feeling I had the first time, but none since that first time was as good. I didn’t understand the biology of gay sex. All men have prostrates. This is simple male anatomy. It is very sensitive to stimulation, which can only be done through the act of anal sex. When it is stimulated, it will cause ejaculation, which is what happened to me. I was willing to submit myself to the pain and humiliation gay sex to have that feeling again, not understanding that I have an addictive personality (thanks mom and dad) and the truth about the stimulation of the prostrate. I went from having sex to feel good to having sex to keep from feeling bad. If I had known about these effects and my addictive personality, and what SSA really is, perhaps I wouldn’t have engaged. I was mistaking sex with love.
I’m sorry you bought into the lie of sex, Bradley. You’re not alone in that here. Grateful for how quickly you’ve dove into this community to share more of your story.
Finding this site was a blessing, as I started dealing with SSA back in January 2016. Before then, I thought I was alone. Being here, hearing the similar stories I went through, and the brotherhood here has helped me more than you know.
Tom, it’s okay. You’re okay.
This seems like a fine illustration of what my concern has been in recent years over what’s meant by the language of “homosexual”, or “gay”, or “same-sex attracted”, because it seems to be a shifting reality that’s being molded by the limitations of relational templates in our culture. And our language become the prison of our hearts. Our culture is increasingly fusing intimacy, affirmation of beauty, and other types of love with sexuality so that we are habituated to expect that these things are all a single reality that can only appear in one type of relationship, i.e. the cultural template of marriage or some sexually active equivalent with a “significant other”. And by that language, we also reveal that all other relationships (chiefly friendships) are expected to be insignificant or casual. We don’t believe that we can have intimacy, or appreciate beauty, or have a yearning to shape our life-possibilities around the lives of others we love non-sexually (even if the possibility of sexual desire is present). I’m convinced this is why gay marriage is even a thing. It’s because the whole culture redefined marriage at large to be about intimacy, romance, personal fulfillment, and so forth and decoupled and decentered it from child-rearing and being an institution that serves the public good. Well, everyone has legitimate desires and needs for intimacy, and affection, and a sense of significance, and so forth. It’s not reasonable or moral to deny that to people. But if we culturally chain those legitimate needs to exclusively sexually active relationships, this is what we get. And it’s cruel and destructive to marriages to place the entire burden of being another person’s sole source of fulfillment on a spouse; it’s very anti-communal and toxic.
Maybe I’m being overly presumptive here, Tom, but it sounds to me like you’re describing a heightened sense of aesthetic affirmation toward other males and a heightened experience of core eros for other males in which you imagine and delight in the possibility of life lived together. That may be statistically odd, but in my opinion that’s not even remotely bad on biblical grounds. And I sense that many of the guys who write and comment here know these feelings. I know them too. In ancient culture, this was understood through intense friendship. Contemporary Western culture doesn’t have this category any longer. And it seems to me that all of us here have suffered for it. It’s no accident that the motif of this website and the thing that brought you all together was a sense of intimate surrogate brotherhood. That’s a great gift from God.
I hope that helps.
Wow, thanks for this, Aaron. This was beautiful. “Intimate surrogate brotherhood.” What a way to put it.
Aaron – A comment on what you just said regarding non-sexual, high intimacy friendship: “In ancient culture, this was understood through intense friendship. Contemporary Western culture doesn’t have this category any longer.” Not only do we not have “this category” any longer, we don’t even have a name or terminology for this type of “intense friendship.” In the now defunct “Menforums” site (killed off when its host site went belly up) two of us came up with names for this kind of friendship. One fellow blogger came up with “Phileo Friends,” or “Phileo Friendships,” based on the Greek word in the Bible that refers to brotherly love. I came up with term “Alpha Friends,” or “Alpha Friendship.” I like this term because the word Alpha refers to “first and foremost.” An alpha friendship is a top-tier friendship, the highest level of friendship, an “A-list” sort of friendship that is something far, far above the emotionally cold, arm’s length male friendships of today. The word “Alpha” can also be used to connote intensity, hence an alpha friendship is the “intense friendship.” that you alluded to. From a Christian standpoint, an alpha friendship is rooted in the one who is the Alpha and Omega, the Lord Jesus Christ himself. It is a Christ-centered friendship infused by the Holy Spirit. We need to create a new, easy to use vocabulary for the kind of friendship that we espouse at YOB. I think that “Phileo Friendship” or “Alpha Friendship” (or the use of BOTH terms interchangeably) would work very well. I don’t know about you, but need more “alpha friends” / “phileo friends” right now!!!
Yep. The lack of robust terms to describe what we’re all sensing and groping around trying to grasp and understand is frustrating.
You may be aware of this but for those who are not; this kind of kinship/friendship/relationship bond is still very much alive in the middle east. I have friends who are Israeli and Arabic and it took me awhile to get used to and learn the meaning of their words and learn not to misread them. For instance the word for a male friend is the same as the word for boyfriend. I love you is said with the same passion and tone as used when speaking to a girlfriend and a male best friend. We have lost this in our insecurity and definitons. Imagine what would be said here if we were seen talking in the park and my head was in your lap and as we got up to walk away we reached out an held hands while we talked! Even so it is common to see this behavior in the middle east and what is thought is, “These two men are the very best of friends.”
I wish that kind of friendship was tolerated here, instead of it being viewed as some kind of perversion.
This is totally my feeling too. I’ve never fantasized nor desired any sexual intercourse with guys, quite frankly I’m repulsed by it. I think anal sex looks painful (I took an ex lax once and let’s just say I never want to go through that sensation again) and oral sex makes me wanna puke (not sure why some heterosexual couples are into it either). I’ve always longed for emotional intimacy and non sexual physical intimacy like cuddle. For me the sexual part is more about viewing the male body. I’ve thought the exact same things like “does this make me asexual?” Its definitely led to a lot more confusion to me. Still, despite these attractions I’ve always longed for brothers and when I feel that natural longing in my heart grow, its like that energy in my heart bursts open and goes down to my loins since I’ve had no proper outlet for it.
Glad you relate, Brian. Gosh it helps to feel less alone in this.
Even if asexual might be accurate according to some, words are just words. We use words to describe our experiences that never quite seem quite right, and always leave out some part of us that we feel is connected. And then add on to that regional variations on how words are used. It’s all quite confusing, and I imagine it would be even more so for others who’ve not spent so much time thinking about their own sexuality. This is why I think sharing our stories is so much more valuable than spending time figuring out what “label” applies to us. Your story is valid. And it doesn’t matter if it completely fits into one of culture’s narratives of sexuality.
Very true. I think my whole “I’m asexual” thing was my attempt to convince myself and the world that I wasn’t going to be labeled as gay. But I think its just better to do away with labels all together.
I have felt the same way as you have with regards to these things. Would it be possible to get in touch with you?
I don’t suppose there’s a way to private message on the Disqus comments profiles?
I don’t think there is. Would it be possible to email you?
My advise would be to never engage in anal sex. It is indeed painful, and all you get are ten minutes of pleasure, two days of guilt and shame, and a sore behind.
I’ve wondered to myself, since I know God our Creator designed our bodies in a specific way, why we have nerve endings in specific places, and what you’ve said about the prostate gland, and why it’s possible to stimulate it. I’ve never had anyone inside me that way. I’ve been curious about it for years, and there’s a fear that one day my curiosity will override my revulsion. It’d be nice to say: “Tried that, didn’t like!” or better yet: “I’m glad I never tried that.” Like meth. haha…Don’t do meth, kids! Or anal. Sorry, I have a goofy sense of humor.
LOL! God designed us perfectly. I let curiosity get the better of me and I regret it everyday. Unfortunately I was listening to the propaganda of the media and the LGBT community instead of God’s word.
Joshua, don’t do it! You are right — trying something like that could create a craving for more. I have never had anal sex with a man. However, (I’m sorry if this is TMI) I have put things in there and stimulated my prostate and caused an orgasm. Its not that great, and it is painful and possibly damaging to your body. I also feel like it is defiling to your body as it is the Temple of the Holy Spirit. Don’t do it.
Frankly, in my experience, all orgasms basically just are a release from sexual tension except for orgasms from vaginal intercourse. The chemical release in the brain from those is different. The release of the hormone oxytocin is much higher which causes me to feel different (happier and more affectionate) for hours afterwards. Its not something that you don’t hear much about, but I think that it definitely illustrates the Creator’s design and purpose for sex (intimacy between husband and wife). With regard to the prostate orgasm being part of the Creator’s design. I think that it could have been an unavoidable side affect of the way our bodies are designed. However, it is possible that our bodies were designed that way so that those who have a will to defy God by misusing their bodies have a means of doing so.
I am so glad you were able to talk about the design of the prostate and how it can be misused for pleasure. It gives me more ammunition. May I quote you?
Sure, of course!
Tom, I feel exactly the same way!
For me, the naked male body represents both strength and vulnerability. And because I find these 2 things extremely desirable (and kind of paradoxical) I’ve turned the naked male body into a sort of idol. It’s never been about sex. I don’t want to do anything with another guy. I just want to behold him and be in awe of him. That’s why for me porn has always been a bigger temptation than sex itself.
To behold him and be in awe of him…sounds about right, James.
This definitely resonates with me Tom. I’ve come close to losing my virginity but still have never had sex with either men or women. I keep on thinking, what if I die without experiencing something so common to humanity as sex?
I, along with you, long for the reassurance that I’m going to be ok. And I truly believe it. We are going to be ok
Thanks for sharing, my friend.
I wish I was a virgin! haha! What a blessing it must be.
You’re going to be okay, Bradley.
I regret losing my virginity. Don’t succumb to the propaganda of the LGBT community.
I don’t want sex with another man. I desire physical intimacy that does not include anal or oral sex and that is based on affection. In other words, cuddling, hugging, and kissing would all be fine.
I have a friend who visits sporadically who, like me, likes to be naked, so we spend time together in the nude; but he doesn’t like being touched, so we are never physically intimate, either clothed or naked.
Thanks for sharing, Tom! I can totally relate to this. Particularly when I have looked at porn in the past, it’s never been things involving explicitly sexual acts that I’m drawn to. It’s almost always things more like seeing guys naked, and being comfortable with being naked around each other, that get to me. Porn that involves the more sexual acts usually grosses me out to an extent. And I certainly haven’t desired sex with a woman, so I think we’re in the same boat. It helps me to remember that all men were originally designed to have sex with one person: their wife. Because of sin, that desire is thrown off in different ways in everybody. But I guess I figure that I shouldn’t necessarily expect to want to have sex before I know a woman I want to marry, because in the way God designed things, real love is always supposed to be present in sex. If I get engaged and still can’t imagine myself having sex, well, I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. It also helps me to remember that some people are unable to ever have sex for reasons entirely outside of their control, like physical limitations, and they’re still real, whole people that have just as much value as anyone else. Our society tends to elevate sex life so that it’s as important as anything else we experience. But not for us Christians. Our identity and worth doesn’t ultimately come from any earthly experience we do or don’t have, whether that’s sex, the friendship we long for, successful careers, you name it. It comes from being given eternal life by Jesus and knowing that whatever we don’t get to experience here, there are things so much better waiting in heaven. We won’t be left out and we won’t miss out. Kind of preaching to myself at this point, but maybe this can be helpful to someone else reading it 🙂
I can totally relate with your porn-viewing habits, Nathan. Once it gets to the actual sexual acts, I start to lose interest. Fast. I’ve always wondered how bizarre this is, that porn basically bores me. And yet there’s that emotional tug that comes with it.
How I relate to all that you have said here! Unlike you, Tom, I did go through the stage where I craved sex with another man during my teens. My masturbation fantasies consumed me. Praise God that he brought me to Christ at the age of 19 just before I had my first opportunity to act out with a man. I wanted affection; he wanted sex. We got as far as brief fondling and then I pulled back. I was a Christian now and could not disobey Christ in this way. I knew that I could be defiling my body which was now a member of Christ’s body. I would also be defiling the temple of the Holy Spirit. It was excruciatingly painful to back off but, thanks be to God, he came to the rescue. At age 61 I am still a male virgin. In the years following my conversion, my levels of SSA decreased greatly. It no longer consumed me. When I transferred to a Christian college I experienced the brotherhood of male believers in a Christian community and that helped enormously. I must say, though, that I still did not experience the level of man-to-man non-sexual touch that I craved until much later. When I did finally experience the level of hugging / cuddling I craved it was short lived, thanks to death and long distance moves. Since moving to Pennsylvania 11 years ago I have been STARVED for male affection. However, I only rarely experience the desire for acting out sexually with men (usually in the form of “outercourse”). Actual penetration with men is repulsive to me (using any body cavity). I have developed over the years, a desire for sex with a wife. What draws me is not simply the idea of penetration and orgasm but also the idea of becoming ONE together in the ultimate expression of physical intimacy. Sadly, I never found the right woman, although I came close about ten years ago.
Tom – one important thing I want to add. I said in that last post of mine that I have progressed to the point where sexual penetration with men is repulsive to me (spiritually, morally, physically and aesthetically) and that I now know that what I really crave – and need – from men is love and affectionate touch. IN OTHER WORDS, TOM, I HAVE PRETTY MUCH PROGRESSED TO WHERE YOU ARE NOW! THE POINT WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN THESE MANY YEARS IS WHERE MANY OF US ARE TRYING TO GET TO OR HAVE FINALLY REACHED. DON’T THINK THAT YOU ARE IN ANY WAY STRANGE OR DIFFERENT. YOU ARE BLESSED TO HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AT THE POINT WHERE OTHERS STRIVE FOR DECADES TO REACH. ONE CAN BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO MEN AND NOT DESIRE SEX WITH THEM. WHEN YOU’VE REACHED THAT POINT YOU ARE MORE THAN HALFWAY HOME!
Thanks so much for this perspective, Buck. It helps to hear from those like you a little further down the road. Learning to be okay with my non-okayness thanks to stories like yours.
You are ok. 🙂 In my college I am taking a course called creative applications in Jeremiah, and one thing i have come to grasp is this, every single person is uniquely “Challenged” by God to be the person we were created to be. It all comes down to prospective, are the struggles we face defining us, or is our victorious goal defining us? I was a dang Pentecostal preachers kid who struggles with homosexuality, (Irony). I love your post, and the others posts on YOB because it challenges me to get out of my sad funks and look at my struggles in a creative way that I don’t see them as struggles but something I will conquer.
Glad my post can help challenge you, Daniel. Indeed, we are more than conquerors…
Hey Daniel, I am another PPK who struggles with SSA. Thomas and I have talked about sponsoring you for the Patreon group if that is something you would like to do. You could have one on one calls/skypes with Thomas and/or Elliot, as well as all the group stuff. Let me know if you want that, and my wife and I will then work it out with Thomas. Hope you are doing well.
Thanks so much for the offer! I will think about it.
Hey Daniel! If you decide that you want that, I will send Tom a check when I get back to the states. I am in Mexico for a couple of weeks on a missions trip. I should be back by next Friday. Grace and peace!
Mistake Identity is right – the Patreon group, Yobbers, has been a Godsend to me!!!
After reading this post and several of the comments here, I don’t know that I have much to add. Powerful stuff. I can tell you as a married man who’s had sex (although never with a man) that even now, even after years of having sex, I still often desire a warm hug, an intimate conversation, a day spent together holding hands, a good back rub, and simply being together with another person (my wife, of course, but others, too), more than I desire sex. I would even say I crave those things more often than I crave sex. The horny feelings of sexual hunger come and go, but the need for human touch and companionship is always there. You’re normal, Tom. You’re just wired the way you are, and you’re not the only one like that. You’re okay, brother. 🙂
Thanks Kevin! Your words of affirmation are always a blessing to me.
Reading through the comments, I feel like the minority here. I do yearn for it. Not so much Anal sex, but erotic touching and mutual physical acts together. Yes. To me that is sexual, even though I discount in my head a bro bonding. I struggle often with the though of male boundaries, physical touch (clothes or none), hugs, holding and how it erotically affects me. It makes me feel broken that I spend every waking moment thinking about it.
Hey man. It’s sooo easy to focus maybe too much on our sin, instead of His grace, His amazing grace. I get down occasionally, but then am always reminded that His eyes are always on me, and that He loves me not because of anything I do or don’t do, but because of WHO He is. 🙂
You’re not alone here, Jeremy. I know of several guys in this community who have experienced gay sex and other sexual acts, and they certainly do still want it. Thanks for confessing this. You’re among brothers.
You are not alone on this. Everyone’s experience is different.
For me, my SSA is more like yours. I don’t, personally, feel a need for a strong male figure in my life, as many here do. My SSA is not because I desire male intimacy, or something like that. In fact, most of my friends are guys, and the thought of doing anything like cuddling or something disgusts me. I’m perfectly happy with the regular level of friendship we have now.
I struggle with a crush on one guy. That’s it. I do (in the flesh, NOT in the spirit) fantasize about sexual relations with him all the time. And I want that by my fleshly desires. With my other guy friends, I have no temptation whatsoever. But with this one guy, just like you, every touch or physical interaction sends me extremely erotic. And I spend so much time thinking about him.
I have felt like I am in an extreme minority here, and chances are we both have different experiences. But the important thing to remember is that these feelings are not of God. They are temptations. And the only way to fight rotations in through his strength, mercy, and forgiveness. I’d like to talk to you more about it, as I’ve been looking for someone who understands where I’m at more. Most of the guys on here are romantically attracted to guys, and just are missing regular male acceptance. Me, and I suspect you, I just have feelings for a guy. Not Men in general. And my attraction is way more about sexual pleasure than a desire for male acceptance.
You’re not alone here. I have moved away from the idea of male crushes (for a long time I was obsessed with my best friend, who committed suicide) to a more stable asexual view about myself. I am not gay, not straight, not bisexual, not anything, just me. I am SSA.
JeremyP, we are in the same boat. I am devastated when I think of never experiencing sexual intimacy and passion again.
You are blessed, Tom, as I so wish I had the same “problem” as I enjoy relations with a man–and so wish I didn’t, thus a constant struggle (a metaphor of an alcoholic not wanting to drink again.) My problem is the strength of a male touch, and the sexual interactions have been mind numbing (I pray that nobody is tempted as a result of those words–but to capture my feelings). I actually wish that I was in your shoes! However, this is a constant exercise of grace and being able to help others through the same feelings. Gay porn did not help, and I find that resisting its evil grip has helped immensely. So, rejoice that you have no temptations–or very little. I don’t say this to sound like a punk, but am happy for you. Don’t succumb to any future temptations of oral or anal. Once I experienced it, my conscience was numbed and it’s been a long road back. Stay strong!
You aren’t alone in this. I thought I had to have sex with a man because I was SSA, when all I really wanted was to feel close to a man.
Thanks, Friend. Always helps to hear the perspectives of others who have walked down those tempting paths only to realize it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Encourages me down my own path.
Maybe it will help you if I tell you about me. I knew that I was attracted to guys from a very early age, however at this age I also knew it was wrong but I was to young to understand the reason. I grew up and imagined that one day I would marry a man and he would be the strong male role while I would be the wife. ( I have never wanted to be a girl! ) To a kid it just made sense that this is how it would work out. As I grew into a teen I started wanting the sex and when it did happen it was like a drug. It felt incredible and then as soon as I climaxed the feelings of being dirty, guilty, ashamed, and I never wanted to do that again. I didn’t want to be touched, by him or any guy, I just wanted to get away. When I say it was like a drug, it was like that every time! I hated myself but couldn’t stop.
This went on for years and years. When I was saved I fought to stop and failed which I let take be away from God and back into that cycle. There is much more and if you want me to tell you about it then let me know and I’ll tell you how to contact me.
When I was saved this last time I knew I wanted to please God more than anything else and I didn’t let my failures keep me from asking forgiveness and telling God how much I hated that part of me and asking to be free from sexual attraction for either sex. God did deliver me and now I, like you, don’t feel the lust for sex. What you said is kinda how I feel now. I have never had any male best friends until now and I’m thankful. So much more to this story.
Thanks for sharing some of your journey with us, Bryan. Grateful for God’s redemption story being written in you. Awesome.
Is it not written that we overcome through our testimony?
Thank you for providing a place that allows us to overcome!
One of my favorite verses!
Thanks for sharing, Bryan!
We hope we can always help other folks here, and we also believe through sharing, we can heal some wounds and find some solace (maybe).
After reading this I was relieved to learn that I’m not alone in feeling exactly as you describe, Tom. To the T!
Awesome, Ryan. Feeling way less alone in my desires (or lack thereof) after posting this. Grateful for that affirmation.
All this discussion about the disgusting physical nature of gay sex reminds me of something I have pondered over the last few years. It seems that many, though not all, gay men (and celibate men with SSA) tend to be much more refined and aesthetically oriented than straight men. Why is it, then, that gay men indulge in acts that are beyond crude and aesthetically revolting? I’m not talking about moral or spiritual issues here. Gay sex is dirty sex – not just morally dirty, but physically dirty. IT WOULD BE JUST AS DISGUSTING AND DIRTY WHEN PERFORMED BY A MAN AND A WOMAN. I don’t like to go into detail on these sort of things – I can’t even mention certain sex acts by name – but it seems utterly schizophrenic to be into the arts, the ballet, stylish clothing and interior design and then engage in some of the most physically disgusting practices imaginable. Curious, isn’t it. And it’s not just that one act that I can’t bring myself to mention. Although oral-genital stimulation is commonly performed by heterosexual couples, it usually is part of foreplay. The act of ejaculation is saved for later. Not so with gay men. What results is almost as disgusting as the act I will not mention. How can one claim to be a paragon of taste and refinement and the enjoy physical filth. Perhaps the “why” is not as important as what I am about to say now: IF YOU ARE A MAN WHO IS STRONGLY AESTHETICALLY ORIENTED, USE THIS HEIGHTENED SENSE OF AESTHETICS TO COMBAT WHATEVER ATTRACTION TO GAY SEX YOU MAY HAVE. IF YOU LOATHE CRUDENESS IN NON-SEXUAL MATTERS, USE THAT LOATHING OF CRUDENESS AGAINST DIRTY SEX. Not that this would be any substitute for fighting temptations in God’s power – that part is MOST important. It is, primarily, a spiritual battle. But, remember, God can use your heightened sense of beauty, art and aesthetics to make you utterly repulsed by the gross, unsanitary aspects of gay sex. Straight men (and especially macho men) often put down those of us who prefer Architectural Digest to Sports Illustrated, automatically labeling such men as gay. In reality, men like us should be MORE repulsed by dirty sex than macho men, some of whom put down men with SSA yet practice the same dirty sex acts with women. Not all men with SSA have a strong aesthetic nature but, whatever sense of beauty, taste and refinement God has given you, let Him use it to turn you off to the gross, crude and filthy nature of gay sex.
Tell me what you think, guys!
Interesting thoughts, Buck. I share your perspective on the crude aspect of gay sex, but I’ve often wondered if I’m simply wired differently than others who disagree. Obviously, there’s some sort of “beauty” or appeal in the act since countless individuals are drawn to it. Will they “wake up” one day and see my grossness in it, or will they always find it beautiful? I find heterosexual intercourse just as unappealing and even as disgusting as that of the homosexual variety. I wonder also if I will I ever see beauty in that.
Hey Tom, I can totally identify with your thoughts. I’m 24 and I’ve also chosen to wait until marriage, so it’s really cool to hear about others committed to doing the same.
To answer your questions : I think I have wanted to have sex with other men in the past but it’s not a current desire, and it would only happen when I was in a lustful state of mind. I’d consider going through with it – not because of the penetration, but because of all the other elements that are associated with intimacy. Trust, “love”, that sort of thing. That being said, I don’t think I could ever bring myself to cross that line. I’d feel like there’s no going back then and that sorrow would probably lead me to severe depression.
Glad you can relate, John. Encourages me. Keep on. Thanks for commenting!
same. I desire to hang out naked with other guys, to have physical contact with other guys, and deep friendship with other guys, to see other guys naked (because I think nakedness represents trust and closeness to me)… and I always struggle with knowing how much of this is “sexual”… but I’ve never really wanted intercourse, or an exclusive romantic relationship with a guy. Boners actually turn me off most of the time.
But i also never really wanted to have sex with a girl. I’ve never wanted to see a girl naked. I got married to a girl who I think is beautiful, but I think she is beautiful with and without clothes. I got married not knowing what to expect. I was scared, but confident at the same time. We were both virgins, both clueless, and that was to our advantage. We have the freedom to learn how to enjoy sex with each other for each other’s sake – and I think that is the way it is supposed to be, right?
Thanks for sharing your perspective as a married guy, Christian. Grateful for your presence here!
Thank you soo much Tom for writing this. Your story honestly describes mine to the T. All I really want is close male friends who I can be intimite with (in a non-sexual way) and share my life with. Last night I was reading about the friendship between Jonathan and David (1st Samuel 18-20) and I feel like this is the relationship I strive to have someday.
I’m right there with you, Caleb. Prayers for you and for me that we find the David to our Jonathans (or, you know, vice versa). A good and healthy and lovely thing to ask God for.
[…] Tom’s “I’ve Never Wanted to Have Sex with Another Man” post: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/2017/01/30/sex-with-another-man/ […]
Tom, you are blessed, brother. I suppose it may not feel that way, but I think you are. When you have that feeling of being worried that you’ll “miss out” by remaining a virgin, read 1 Corinthians 7.
I also feel like I don’t have as strong of a desire for sex with either gender. I do have desires for touch though, and some other sexually encounters besides intercourse. And I have a deep desire for emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Thanks, Bryan. 1 Cor 7 is a good reminder that marriage is a complicated thing and singleness isn’t really all that bad (just speaking for myself here). You’re not alone in your desires for healthy touch and emotional intimacy. Right there with you.
Hi! My second comment here.
This is more of a question for the community. Well really, about the community.
I love this site, and it’s helped me a lot. Especially the encouragement in the comments. But I must admit, some of what I read I find confusing. Maybe because I’m young, and have never even come close revealing my SSA to non-family, let alone act on it with another guy.
You guys just full on blast talk about things like gay sex, and my mind is just blown. And it doesn’t even seem like you guys are really condemning it (which might just be my lack of seeing things the way the author intended them). When I read, “Why I Love Sex”, I couldn’t really tell how I felt about it. The author was describing how he loved anal sex, but I was confused. I thought we were supposed to be talking about how to avoid those feelings. Why gay sex is wrong. Maybe I misunderstood the point of the article altogether. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I see a lot of discussion about homosexuality, but not a lot of condemnation. I think? I’m having a VERY hard time wording this question, in case you can’t tell.
I guess my question comes down to wear you guys draw the line on homosexuality. As I’ve seen it, any attraction to men romantically or sexualy is not of God. But it feels like you guys don’t share that view? Or maybe I’m just naïeve because I was saved long before any of these temptations could get anywhere.
Here’s how I’ll word it: Where is the line between struggling and sin?
By the way, I am not here to start a debate, I just want to understand the thoughts of the community better.
I feel quite a bit different about this.
I am absolutely disgusted by anal sex, even in my fleshly desires. But my fantasies are completely sexual. I do want sex, just not in that way.
I guess my desires are just weirdly specific. I have male fetishism. The thought of the male body is a turn on for me, for whatever reason, and that has been true for me since I was a toddler. I remember feeling this way when i was still in diapers!
I never considered myself SSA until I actually started having a crush on a guy very recently, even though I had male fetishism. My crush is almost all sexual; I fantasize constantly. I don’t fantasize about men who are strong and there for me or whatever. I fantasize about one guy. And…well I still haven’t figured out WHY yet.
My struggle seems different than most of these peoples. I don’t have some sort of missing male acceptance in my life. I just have a random crush, and it just HAPPENS to be a guy. My guess is because the male body just turns me on. And the reasoning behind THAT, I don’t know.
I still hope my story can be useful though. I know I can’t be the only guy who doesn’t struggle with male acceptance or anything, and basically just has feelings for a guy/guys because of fetishism.
Hey, Fred. Welcome to YOB! I’ve seen you comment a few other places and thought I’d introduce myself here. Thanks for sharing your unique perspective and experience with SSA. It always fascinates me how similar we all are in this community, and yet so very different as well. A picture of the tapestry that is the Body of Christ at large, I’d say. Keep commenting here. Would love to see more of your story unfold!
Hey, Tom! I’ve seen a lot of your stuff, obviously, since you contribute so much. Thanks for the welcome!
I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times already, but it’s so nice to see people like you guys step out and be brave enough to really get a community going. My pastor recently preached on the absolute NECESSITY of community, and this site gives exactly that. You are right about it being the picture of the tapestry of the body of Christ.
Thank you guys again for what you do. You can bet I’ll be sticking around!
I am sure that I wanted connection with a man, because I never really felt affirmed by a man in my family or by my peers…which is different than wanting sex with a man. Nevertheless, at some point in my university studies, a man approached me sexually and though I had resisted prior advances by two other homosexuals, this time I didn’t resist.
I have to say, that at first the novelty and excitement of sex was enjoyable. And I had repeated sex with this same guy for a number of months. That was long enough for me to understand that sex with a man didn’t satisfy me. I really wanted affirmation and affection that were lacking in my life from males. This was not love. The other guy was using me to satisfy his lust. It left me really empty. I walked away from homosexual sex and have never had sex with another man in about 40 years. I just knew it would never satisfy me. It seeded like a short cut to relationship, but in reality there was no mutual relationship at all.
The more I read about you the more I feel I can finally resonate with another human being. I’m turning 29 in July and I, too, have never been kissed, and never physically made love to another person. My almost-thirty virginity in the eyes of my non-Indian male friends – It’s strange. It’s difficult. It’s lonely. But rest assured, I’m not alone, and neither are you. As I’ve mentioned before, I come from a place where family name and reputation is the most important immanent quality an individual can hold. Premarital sex in my Indian Christian community is considered so high up on the “list of taboo things not to do, as to not tarnish your name” that straight men (and women) will go well into their 30s before finally losing their “v-card” via consummation of their marriage. It’s not unforeseen to be open about it either. It’s just the way things are. Rest assured, you’re not alone, and you’re not strange.
I identify with being SO EXTREMELY SHELTERED that sex was never a thing on my mind. In fact, at some point I had become so blinded in naïveté concerning college sex life that I became judgmental toward my peers that were readily willing to participate in anything sexual. After college, I realized that I lack a native tendency towards sex, and essentially I always have. Of course, I’ve fantasized about having lurid sexual trysts with my friends, but I’ve never wanted to actually have sexual contact with any of them. I too, have spent time cultivating superficial levels of contact online to satiate my sexual desires, but not really wanting to do in in person. And it’s definitely come across my thoughts that maybe I’m just asexual, but not really. Here’s a twist, though. Ever since I was five and I walked in on my cousin in his undies I’ve always had some sort of affinity towards underwear. I spent my middle school years evading porn, but instead looking up guys in boxer-briefs or Calvin Klein ads. Up until college, whenever I fantasized about someone their underwear would always remain on – lol weird, I know. It’s not the garments themselves, but the way a dude looks in said garments. However, when I think of a dick, gross, or a guy in the buff, it’s not very effective… Recently, this fetish has faded, but it’s still a part of the way I am, I guess.
For now, my desires remain apprehended in my thoughts, and the things I tell my peers to feign interest in the physicality of sex are merely lies.
I did seek out sex or more specifically sexual relations (frot) with another man on two separate occasions. But luckily circumstances never panned out to where the encounters never came to fruition. In retrospect, I am certain the experiences would have left me feeling empty and guilt. Guilty having commited such an act against God and for violating the sanctity of someone’s marriage (one of the guys was married). The emptiness that I would feel as I most likely fail to fully experience the masculine love or platonic intimacy with another man. God discourages lying so I have to be honest here that I long for that mutual physical intimacy of snuggling, cuddling, words of affirmation and other forms of physical touch and affection. I want it so bad, but I try to keep my head about me (Enneagram 6). I can’t expect to give and take such love from just anyone. I would want to have already established a well founded friendship first and foremost. Additionally I wouldn’t want the relationship to be a shallow codependent symbiosis. My SSA does have a “certain degree” that I want to be very conscious of the moral and ethical thresholds and boundaries.
[…] Tom wrote in his blog, I’ve never much desired sexual intercourse with men. Throughout my life, however, my erotic […]
Oh man @thomasmarkz:disqus, I relate so much when you say: “A timid boy who just wants a man and a group of fellow men to accept him and venture with him and hold him close as nightfall turns to morningtide turns to months and years, reminding him over and over you’re okay and you’re going to be okay.” I want that so bad. In the last few years I even came to understand my actual deep longings for acceptance and companionship more than i have before after having sexual interactions with another guy. To make things worse they turned into my deepest fears and I came face to face with contracting HIV. Praise Jesus for his grace and protection. I realized what it truly means to call him our Savior. Though I came to this understand, I have deep shame and guilt for these things. The church I was attending even asked me to leave because I was living with the guy and they told me I had to move out which was a very difficult thing at the time. Not necessarily sure what to do, I did what they said and left the church. Anyway, the need for brotherhood and community is even more needed now than ever, especially as I will be living on my own at the end of August for the next year. I understand now more than ever that my desires are not for sex of any kind but for acceptance and intimacy in healthy life giving community with other men.
That’s a vital realization to come to, Michael: that you don’t desire sex but intimacy. I feel it, too. I want what’s good and lasting and true, not fleeting and false.
Yes! Absolutely, It’s so much better! 🙂
If I may say so, Tom… I seem to be drawn to your postings… and I honestly don’t seek them out. It’s really a title that first catches my attention. I’m not sure if thats because you have a good deal more of your writings posted here than others do, or if there’s just a kindred spirit in you that (am I allowed to say) attracts me to your person and character? Not sure. But either way, before I share my thoughts about this one, may I say that you sound pretty “normal” to me, brother… even if you do call yourself a “minority” with regard to this issue.
I can’t say that I have ever truly desired “sex” with a guy, either. Sometimes the thought of that repulses me, and at other times (dark or lonely times, most often) the thought seems more appealing to me. Yet there has always been that place inside that rejects the act itself as “sinful.” There’s never been any way around that constant awareness inside of me.
That is also not to say that this awareness was so strong that I never became rebellious to that far better judgement, and sought it out anyway. Unfortunately, there was indeed one incident that I did seek it out. But the interaction of even the limited degree of what took place… it repulsed me, and I never did that again.
What I now know about myself today (and it was also true way back when, though I didn’t fully understand myself at the time) is that what I truly desire is male intimacy. And not just intimacy for the sake of affection, but true intimacy and physical affection that expresses a genuine love and affection that me and a male friend might grow to have toward each other.
Things tend to stick with me when they’ve impacted the way I personally view something, and human intimacy is no different. And the deeper quality of the intimacy that I’m speaking of is simply this truth… Intimacy is:
In other words, look deeper and see me for who I truly am, and allow me to also see into you, and know you for who you truly are… our deepest fears, our highest hopes, the parts of ourselves that we are afraid to “trust” others with, a place where we can truly feel “safe” with each other as the men we are.
But in my sinful brokenness, that very innate and godly desire can all too easily become perverted and sexualized. This much I know about myself. And my manipulative nature can also go to ungodly extremes in order to seek it out, all the while self-justifying my own actions.
Somewhere in between the awareness of these things, and the complete avoidance of male affection, there exists a place of balance. It is a place where I still believe that the intimacy and physical affection that I do desire to share and experience within male friendship, actually can and does exist.
I thought I’d found that once, but then the friendship ended. I hope that I can find it again one day.
[…] it’s “easier” for a guy like me who has no desire for sex; actually, I’m sure it is. I certainly want to be sensitive to folks with far stronger sexual […]
Hi Tom, I value your life story, I enjoy reading your experiences and other guys here, but if you have never had sex with a guy, how are you anything close to being SSA? Same Sex Attraction is as normal as being straight. Men are naturally attracted to their own gender. We like getting together with the guys. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with guys, or even wanting to cuddle up with them (if you can find a mutual brother for that). Notice “how” Jesus words His words, “He said, “if a man so much as looks upon a woman to lust, he has already committed adultery in his heart”. The lust has to be in the heart in order for it to appear or in our lingo, act out sexually. If homosexual lust is in the heart, It will manifest out through the flesh. When we do anything that we are driven to do, it’s something that is in the heart that is steering our ship. That can be both good or bad, holy or profane. But if it’s in there, it will manifest itself some way or another. Because like anything on this planet and in the spirit realm, beings require sustenance, or they need to eat. And lust needs to feed, it needs to grow, it doesn’t want to sit still, it needs to act out. If we are not acting out, how can we say we have SSA, when SSA is a normal function of the human condition? This is encouraging for anyone who is wondering why we do what we do.
Well, I definitely have same-sex physical/sexual attraction beyond any emotional attraction most guys feel for other guys. While I don’t desire full-on sex, I have other illicit desires for men that I constantly need to lay down. It is good to be reminded, though, that the concept of attraction for the same sex isn’t in itself sinful. Like you said. We all want to connect with our own gender.
[…] Tom’s post: I’ve Never Wanted to Have Sex with Another Man […]
As a student just starting a second semester of college, I am stunned by the amount of sex talk that takes place among guys…especially when women come up. Being not interested in women or dating at this stage of my life makes it hard to endure such conversation. At the same time, I want to enjoy platonic physical experiences with my fellow men, but I do not want to fall down a slippery slope of desire. As I am constantly bombarded by my institution’s pro-“Side A” agenda, I find that my mind is ever more focused on the ideas of sex and physical intimacy, which I believe are driving my same-sex attractions. These attractions are merely physical, but I do not want them to consume my life. God’s Word is my only comfort now, but I wish I could find someone who understands what I believe and the counter-cultural battle I’m fighting. Thanks YOB for being a light in the dark.
Thanks for sharing some of your story, Nathan. It’s a dark world out there. Honored to share a little light with you. Thanks for partaking in it!
Hi everybody, I have been following this community for some time now and it has helped me (and continues doing so) a lot in my process which I expect to share with you soon or at least someday. I live somewhere in the U.S. / Mexico border and I have recently come across the writings/reflections of Henri Nouwen (a Catholic priest who published a lot of books on spirituality) and I would like to share those with you as well:
“It is obvious that one of the areas in which we feel our rupture in a more painful way is in the field of our sexuality. My own struggle and that of my friends makes clear to what extent our sexuality is central in relation to the way of thinking about ourselves. Our sexuality reveals our immense desire for communion. The desires of our body-to be touched by someone, embraced and held by another person-belong to the deepest desires of the heart. And they are very concrete signs of the search for our identity as unique beings.”
“When everything around us overstimulates and extends our sensory capacity to infinity, and when what is offered to fill our most intimate needs generally has little seductive for them, it is not surprising that we feel full of crazy fantasies, uncontrolled dreams and disturbing feelings and thoughts. At this point it is where we are most in need and we are most vulnerable, where we experience more rupture. The fragmentation and commercialization of our environment makes it almost impossible to find a place where our total being-body, soul and heart-can feel safe and protected.”
“The AIDS epidemic is probably one of the most indicative symptoms of the rupture that occurs within our contemporary society. In AIDS, death and life are intimately united in a violent embrace. Young people, desperate to find some kind of intimacy, endanger their lives by looking for it.”
“How can we respond to this break? I would like to suggest two ways: first, making our world more friendly, and then putting it under the sign of blessing. I hope you are able to put them into practice in your own life. I have tried it constantly, sometimes more successfully than others. But I am convinced that these two media point in the right direction, in that of being able to fix the problem of the rupture.”
(Excerpts from “You Are the Beloved: Daily Meditations for Spiritual Living” by Henri Nouwen)
Regards and blessings for everybody! (I expect to contribute in the blog more often and, since I also speak Spanish and French, to become even a collaborator, why not?)
Did you know words can form a mirror? Me either. Yet, when I read this article I see myself. I’m coming late to the comments party, and I hope you’ve found peace in this, Tom. Right now I’m just muddling and stumbling along, but I’m sure glad it is starting to feel like an upward trajectory. Each step I take seems to lighten the darkness and give me sweeter sleep after a day’s long journey.
I relate to this on so many levels. Even though I find myself attracted to some guys, wanting to go that far has never even crossed my mind. Just the thought of it grosses me out, even though my porn addiction has me watching that kind of thing. Every time I’ve thought about sex, it’s always been with my wife since I do want to get married at some point in time. Like you, I’ve downloaded apps I know I shouldn’t have and done things on them that I am certainly not proud of, but taking things to that level has just never crossed my mind. I do want to have the type of intimacy with other men that I can talk to and all of that, but not that very intimate level of sex.
You’re certainly not alone, Chris. Thanks for being real with us here. When I experience healthy intimacy with men, I don’t even desire the less graphic stuff. Finding connection and equality with other men has always satiated the lust and envy for me.
It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. The way God intended sex to be is between a man and woman who love one another, who want to be together, in the holy covenant of marriage. Sex is to be holy. Maybe that’s what your afraid of – the lust of it all that permeates our society that comes from sex outside of what God has ordained. And that’s a marvelous thing brother, to be wary of such. Your testimony is a delight. Many wish to achieve virgin status through the forgiveness & redemption found in the blood of Christ through repentance. What you have many long for.. Surrender your sexuality to JESUS and simply rest in Him. Let your desire perhaps for children and family be the only thing that moves you forward in the realm of sex & let JESUS do the rest. In the mean time fully give yourself to the Lord JESUS in service. God will flow through you to many as you do. Or Be like Paul. Remember JESUS never loved a woman in the flesh. You’re more like Him than many of us. Amen? You’re gonna be okay. You are okay. Blessings!!
Thanks, Chadd. Resting in Him a little more each day. No idea what the future holds but that’s okay. I think I’d rather just live more fully in the today anyway. Blessings in return, brother.
Have you ever wanted or sought out sex with another man, or do your same-sex attractions also only extend to a certain degree? Great question. Yes, ever since I was 12 years old and discovered masturbation I wanted to have sex with a man. Not anal sex, not oral sex—too gross! I wanted to hold the penis of another guy and give him pleasure and witness his orgasm. I also wanted him to affirm me as a man-a close male bond. That is what I masturbated to throughout my teen years and that produced deep tracks in my brain that I still struggle with. Unfortunately, my chance to act on those urges came with my best friend in college-only one guy and several of those exact experiences.
Without being explicit, did sex with another man satisfy you on some base level or leave you wanting more? Yes, I have to say that my experience with my friend satisfied me on some level. I unfortunately loved it to a great extent, my wishes had come true, but it made me think of going to the next level-kissing, oral, anal. I did stop this behavior and never returned, but because I loved it so much and it did fulfill a dream of mine, it took many years of marriage and sex with my wife for those video tapes to be diminished. Could I go back to those images even now—yes, I could easily bring them up and get aroused, but Jesus is helping me to bring every thought captive and focus on my right-tight relationship with my wife.
This is so good, Tom. It’s very well put. And despite the fact that it has not been 30-50 years, I wonder what insight 3 years has brought. I suspect if I read on I will get to see this story unfold a bit further.
Your voice on this is so incredibly important in the midst of a hyper-sexualized world. It gives me hope and affirms me that my sexuality goes beyond sex, and perhaps there are solutions to my yearnings that don’t require me to sin. Not that sin has ever proven a solution, yet it calls to me all the same. Fascinating how sin can so blatantly fail to give what it promises and yet still convince me it deserves one more chance to satisfy…
Thanks for these thoughts all this time later, Aaron. I actually have thought a bit about sex in the last three years. Perhaps a sequel is in order?
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Tom, I just wanted to thank you for writing this. I’ve felt exactly the same since I’ve realized I’m gay. I’ve never wanted gay sex and I’ve always wondered how others can find it enjoyable. I thank God for not experiencing the desire though. I feel less vulnerable this way.
However, I wish I had friends with the SSA in real life. Someone with the same feelings so that we could hang out and spend time together. Someone who I could talk to far into the night and someone who would hug me and tell me the words “You’re okay and you’re gonna be okay” over and over again. I feel like I’m dying of sadness each day as it doesn’t come true.
Best regards from a homophobic Central European country.
Thanks for sharing, Samuel. I certainly relate with that sense I’m “less vulnerable,” and I’m generally grateful for my wiring. It’s almost a strike against me though, in a sense, feeling like I can’t relate with most humans already because of my sexuality, but then within gay/SSA Christian circles as well who desire sex.
After writing this post I’m realizing there are more sex-avoidant folks out there than I previously thought. So that’s also super encouraging to know I’m not alone. Thanks again for commenting from Europe!