YOBcast Episode 012: Masturbation, Part 2

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How do we reckon with masturbation? What triggers us, and how do we not let masturbation dominate our lives? How do we change the culture of sexual conversations (or lack thereof) in the church today?

It’s the second in our two-part series on masturbation! Join Tom and Elliott in a discussion on triggers, willpower, and changing the culture. Thanks SO MUCH to our Patreon supporters for all the questions and content; we’re now commited to producing two podcasts every month, thanks to y’all!

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Finally, don’t forget to comment on this episode below. What triggers you? How do you find victory over lust and masturbation? How can you change the conversations and culture around you?

We hope you enjoy our latest episode!

Show notes:

Tom’s sexual sobriety post: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/2016/07/21/100-days-sexual-sobriety/

Tom’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/tom/

Elliott’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/elliott/

  • mike

    Loved how you clarified that we don’t have to masturbate :). The ultimate KISS insight!
    Do we have to urinate? YES. Do we have to defecate? YES. Do we have to ejaculate? NO!
    So why do we masturbate?
    Tom’s salient question needs an answer: “What are we craving?” That answer for me was pivotal to my journey for as Paul says: “I put away childish things” so I had to put away masturbation because THAT CANDY, it did NOT relieve my “craving” only made it worse! When “I became a man I put away childish things.” (1 Corinth 13:11)
    It all depends on one’s definition of “childish things” which are not appropriate for a real man!

  • Malcolm

    After listening to these two podcasts, I am still a little confused as to what you two are personally doing about masturbation. Are you trying to completely abstain or practice it in moderation without lust?

    • Well, both Elliott and I admitted to being unable to masturbate without lust. So, abstaining is our only real option — difficult though that may be.

      • mike

        Is a real man he who always “abstains”? Because that cannot happen this side of Heaven and its lack of total success only adds to the “burden” as it did for Christian: that guilt and doubt that one is truly saved and hence we grieve and many of us eventually give up…
        It’s here that I disagree with Christian of PP when he speaks of his times of “defeat of evil things” that THOSE times are “truly golden”. No! The golden times precede that and ARE the times of the means of defeat of our carnalities.
        Our “only real option” as real men is to focus on our Believer’s Freedom of 1 Corinth. 10:23 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.” So focusing on what is “beneficial” and “constructive” leaves no time for masturbation etc. That focus is pouring all our waking energy into that purpose rather than abstaining from this or that!

  • Bearded_Dragon

    But, we should remember that quote Tom mentioned in the part 1. Here is another quote from C.S. Lewis. In the end of it, he talks about how homosexuality is not a temptation, but for us, obviously it is.

    “In a later letter to a different man, C. S. Lewis wrote this about masturbation:

    The evidence seems to be that God sometimes works such a complete metamorphosis and sometimes not. We don’t know why: God forbid we should presume it went my merit.

    He never in my unmarried days did it for me. He gave me–at least and after many ups and down, the power to resist the temptation so far as the act was concerned. He never stopped the recurrent temptations, nor was I guarded from the sin of mental consent. I don’t mean I wasn’t given sufficient grace. I mean that I sometimes fell into it, grace or no.

    One may, I suppose, regard this as partly penal. One is paying for the physical (and still more the imaginative) sins of one’s earlier life. One my also regard it as a tribulation, like any other. The great discovery for me was that the attack does not last forever. It is the devil’s lie that the only escape from the tension is through yielding.

    … Disgust, self-contempt, self-hatred–rhetoric against the sin and (still more) vilification of sexuality or the body in themselves–are emphaticallynot the weapons for this warfare. We must be relieved, not horrified, by the fact that the whole thing is humiliating, undignified, ridiculous; the loftyvices would be far worse.

    Nor must we exaggerate our suffering. We talk of ‘torture’: five minutes of really acute toothache would restore our sense of proportion! In a word, no melodrama. The sin, if we fall into it, must be repented, like all our others. God will forgive. The temptation is a darn nuisance, to be born with patience as long as God wills.

    On the purely physical side (but people no doubt differ) I’ve always found that tea and bodily weariness are the two great disposing factors, and therefore the great dangers. Sadness is also a danger: lust in my experience follows disgruntlement nearly always. Love of every sort is a guard against lust, by a divine paradox, sexual love is a guard against lust. No woman is more easily and painlessly abstained from from, if need be, than the woman one loves. And I’m pretty sure purely male society is an enemy to chastity. I don’t mean a temptation to homosexuality: I mean that the absence of ordinary female society provokes the normal appetite (Lewis, Yours, Jack, 307-308).”

    • mike

      Tea! LOL. Yet he’s on the right track. Coffee too! Nothing like a full bladder to create that boner!!

  • Father Maurer

    First and foremost – thank you for tackling this difficult issue. It is definitely a struggle that most – if not all – men face, I daresay. You discuss it with humor, grace, and sensitivity.

    Thank you also for the invitation to offer feedback. A few thoughts on the composition of your podcast. It might be helpful to have regular sections built into your podcasts and time markers for each section. For example, I’ve created some time markers that could be applied to this podcast:

    – 00:32 – Opening and welcome
    – 01:02 – Introduction/catching up w/ each other
    – 05:30 – Podcast statistics review – where folks are listening from, et cetera [a regular feature?]
    – 21:47 – Recap of previous podcast, tying up any loose ends or questions
    – 22:47 – Current topic conversation
    – – – – – -If there are particular parts of the conversation that you’d like to book mark, creating a time marker for each of those parts
    – 48:20 – Closing: story & prayer
    – 52:07 – Ending, thank yous, and goodbye

    I look forward to your future podcasts! God bless you all, especially in your ministry here.

    Fr. Maurer

    • Great idea! Right now we simply don’t have the time to chart out an episode like this. But hopefully before too long. I like it a lot.

      • Eddie

        I have seen this done with YouTube videos to offer the audience a means to skip ahead to certain portions of a video based on subject matter.

      • Father Maurer

        Hi Tom,

        Glad to offer suggestions – and no worries about expectations here. You all just broke double digits, which is accomplishment enough!

  • Bearded_Dragon

    So, I’m guessing all of us has or had a thing for a straight guy and is also a really good friend. Also, he does not know either that you like him or know you have struggled with having SSA. How do you get over such a thing and keep the friendship and not feel awkward?

    • Fred

      Well if that isn’t the golden question! Hey man, I’m in that EXACT boat. It’s scary, depressing, etc. Especially when you’re out into situations where lust becomes unbearable.

      I wish I had an answer to that question, but that’s exactly where I am myself. I would, however, say telling him is not entirely out of the question IF he is a true believer in Christ. If you truly are close, and he truly loves God, there’s a chance there for understanding and forgiveness. And that honesty and vulnerability can really strengthen a relationship.

      If your friend is unsaved or not that close, you run into a problem where they may not be able to understand your struggle from a godly perspective. They may reject you or encourage you to embrace SSA. Either way, that’s not what you want.

      I’m really curious as to your situation. Let me know what’s up! It’s cool to know I’m not the only one with this problem!

    • Eddie

      I have to say in my case, I’ve grown to know my straight friends a little more intimately. It’s how you refocus your personal perception of people. In the “Male Envy” podcast, Elliott speaks about how guys *can* be aesthetically pleasing on the outside, but could be a jerk on the inside. I invest the time in my relationships with guys to get to know their inner workings (personality and character, etc.). This carnal side of me has to be pushed aside so I can be noble and genuine in getting to know a guy. From there I can see him less as a thing and more as a person. This helps mitigate the SSA in me and help the friendship to flourish. I know plenty of good natured and good hearted OSA guys in my life, but I don’t have any tendency to engage in any sinful behavior with them. I value our friendship and the sanctity of their marriage (if the case) to try and corrupt them for my own selfish purposes.

  • Jimtom23

    Since stumbling onto this site, I have almost read each post. I have listened to each podcast. As a Christian, I have struggled with the guilt and shame of having same-sex feelings. At the age of 55, I have never confessed these feelings to anyone in person. My only confessions have been through anonymous online chats. Thank you to each of the bloggers for baring your souls and sharing your struggles.

    • mistaken identity

      So glad you have found this site. I know what that shame it like. God never intended it for either of us.

    • Glad you found us, Jim! Kick up a chair and make yourself at home here.

      • Jimtom23

        Tom – I am very glad I found you all. Thank you for the warm welcome! I am just over the mountain from you all in NE Tennessee.

  • george

    Good to find this place. It seems I feel I am with my people here. Struggling with SSA since childhood. Never involved in same sex relatitionship. Bein g involved in ministry for more than 15 years I left church, when I was 30. Now I am in my late 30 ies, living alone and with bitterness and anger toward church and God…i dont want it but it is there…unfortunately christian and non christian bigots are the same . even though it was hard for Christians to know I was SSA, still every ford of hatred from the pulpit against lgbt people was a bullet to my heart. Even though I don’t identify myself as lgbt person, I call them my people.
    Thank you for having this space here for our struggling brothers.

    • mistaken identity

      Welcome George!

    • Glad to have you here with us, George! Hope we can be your people, too.