Once in a while, I get into times of doubting — specifically regarding my choice of celibacy. I know there exists the possibility of marrying the opposite sex but, frankly, I do not see that happening. I used to desire a family, but I have changed all of those plans because of my faith.
Am I an idiot to change my entire life because of my faith? At first glance, it seems a bit ridiculous that I try to resist sexual temptation, or resist the pursuit of a boyfriend, or choose celibacy all because of my faith.
I recently sat at my piano in a melancholic state, reflecting on my life. One area of personal temptation is “emotional porn,” usually some sort of gay romance on Netflix.
I got drunk on this desire for same-sex romance: some guy to sleep with, not just for sex, but for warmth beside me in bed.
Sleeping by myself is one of the loneliest experiences.
I desire a guy to cook dinner for.
A guy to go on long walks with me and hold hands.
As I sat and reflected on celibacy and the loneliness in my life, I thought to myself: I cannot do this. What if I am wrong in my understanding of Scripture and I am suffering for no good reason except for my own stupidity and ignorance?
Some have an “affirming” view of Scripture. I have tried so many times to convince myself of this view — life would be so much easier. But as someone trained in biblical interpretation, I cannot get there.
People approach Scripture with different rules and presuppositions to interpretation. The rules of interpretation determine the outcome of interpretation. In order to have a gay-affirming view of Scripture, I’d have to change my entire framework for interpretation and essentially all of my theology.
I am not prepared to do that.
So, what do I do? Am I just screwed by my faith?
I think I have a faulty presupposition — that the answer to loneliness is a committed relationship like a marriage. After America’s same-sex marriage ruling, one of the Supreme Court justices stated that we cannot condemn LGBT people to a life of loneliness.
The problem with this thinking is that I know plenty of already married couples who are incredibly lonely. Marriage or any committed relationship is not the answer to loneliness.
In times of doubt and confusion, like that one night sitting at my piano, I have learned that there is clarity in Jesus. Jesus defies all standards set by the world around us. We have no doubts that Christ lived the most fulfilled life.
Jesus was single, but not lonely. He had a close knit community with God and friends. He was continually outward focused to the needs of others.
We live in a time when the individual is more important than the collective community, and we close ourselves off to the Lord to follow our own inner law. We are so focused on our own needs instead of the needs of those around us.
After this reflection, I realized that my doubts are not caused by an unfulfilled Christian life; in fact, the Christian life is very fulfilling. But my ideas on relationships formed by culture are very unfulfilling. My lifestyle so often follows the examples set by the culture around us and not by the example of Christ.
If my life was formed after Christ’s example, then my doubts caused by loneliness would not take root.
What do I do now? How do I escape the loneliness? It’s not by getting a boyfriend, but seeking deep authentic spiritual community.
I find it ironic that our culture cares so much about not being lonely, but nearly every aspect of our culture goes against authentic community. Thus, those of us with SSA have to go against the grain of culture for that authentic community.
Do you ever have doubts about choosing a life of celibacy? Do you view a married relationship or a boyfriend as the solution to loneliness? How does the single life of Jesus bring clarity and hope to your life of celibacy?
* Photo courtesy photosbydannyb, Creative Commons.
About the Author
Will, that was good. You seem to have articulated my entire life right up to the ‘doubt’ part. Your questions are good ones. I have no answers that will satisfy and I am almost 60 years old.
My experience has been that it is hard to find ‘authentic spiritual community’. The Church in it’s various forms, especially in the West, has become as shallow as the world in my view. I find I can walk into any evangelical church service and they all seem the same to me. Christianity Lite. Still, there are pockets of resistance. Hope springs as I find people here and there that want to love.
A friend of mine used to say that it’s OK to be lonely as long as you are free. Getting free is hard though. I think he knew that when he said it. It is especially hard for SSA’s like us. Our loneliness is primal because we deny a primal urge, something that seems like it is part of our natural selves.
You did say something that I kind of disagree with; that Jesus was not lonely.
I believe He was lonely here. He was constantly surrounded by broken people and, while He had compassion and love for them, He knew they were not like Him. There is no one like Him except God. His friends would turn on Him, run away from Him or walk away because they could not understand Him. People still do this, even us believers. It’s becasue of what He requires.
“Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me.”
In the Roman world, if a man took up his cross, everyone knew that he was going to his death. In a very real sense Jesus has called us to death for His sake. That death is more real for us than most if we choose to die to our SSA and live for Him. We have to rip the guts out of that sexual part of our selves and say, “no, I will not do what seems natural to me”. In that process, there can be a hardening of the heart that develops, but we cannot let that happen. There is also a draw toward things that might skirt the edges of our desires – that might help us mollify that urgent pressing need to know another man inside and out. I think I have watched every bit of ’emotional porn’ on Amazon. It leaves me empty. What I have noticed is that there is seldom a happy ending to any of these tales. They do nothing to make me feel better about my desire and sometimes they depress me, but I keep thinking that just once it will work out for the characters. That seldom happens.
We cannot spend all our time policing our own morality either. We have to live by the Spirit and come into community with other people of faith and maybe even reach out to those that have none. As someone that just retired, I find I have too much time to think about this stuff. As summer proceeds here in the States, I have found plenty to do, but this winter will be rough. I am going to need something to do with my time. I used to bury myself in my work for 12 to 14 hours a day. It made life easier. That’s no longer an option.
Maybe it’s time to reach out and give something back? I have always been a reluctant volunteer, but I’m thinking there could be a great source of community at the right place, with the right people. I am not sure where that will be yet, but here’s to hoping. It will be better than going home to an empty house.
Will, keep searching. Let us know what you learn as you find your answers. Crosses are heavy. Be careful.
I think it’s part of our fallen nature to think that the grass is greener on the other side. I will never forget the theme song of a cartoon I watched as a preteen called “As Told by Ginger” that said “Someone once told me The grass is much greener On the other side. And I paid a visit (Well, it’s possible I missed it) It seemed different, Yet exactly the same.”
I’m in a mixed orientation marriage myself and am quite happy but I would be lying if I said there weren’t moments where I haven’t wondered, would have been better for both of us had I remained celibate? Would he have found a partner better suited him? Would life be less frustrating? Would I find a celibate partner to grow old with? But then I look at my life and realize not only how good it is, but how God led me where I am, and if God led me here that means that this is what’s best for me and has proved itself as such on many occasion. I really can’t picture a partner better suited for me than the one God gave me.
Hey, Ashley. Thank you for sharing a different point of view. May I ask if your husband know your condition?
“Condition” interesting. Anyway, yes he does
He probably thinks it’s like phlebitis. If you keep your feet up it will go away.
Pray for me instead of interpreting me.
OK, but you have to pray for me too
Sounds like a good plan.
I am sorry if that sounded wrong. I tried to think of other word but I don’t have all of that English vocabulary. Anyways, pray for me to learn more
is English not your mother tongue? I don’t want to say that it was wrong per say – depends on how you look at things, but yes putting it that way could rub some people wrong
No, I speak english as Second language. Thank you for letting me know.
that’s cool. Can I ask what your first language is?
Sure. It’s Portuguese.
awesome! You live in Brasil or Portugal? I can understand quite a bit, but I ca’t speak it. I speak fluent spanish though
That’s great. Congrats! I live in Brazil. I althought cannot speak any spanish.
Hey Gabriel, do not feel bad about not getting the right vocabulary, even those who know English as their first language struggle using the right words in issues of sexuality. I stayed in Brazil a couple of months a few years ago. I loved it there, wonderful country. I visited Fortaleza when I was there.
Thank you very much for the support Will. I love being around here.
Oh Fortaleza is so pretty, I visited there too. Next time let us know. We should do a yob retreat here.
Hey Ashley, thanks for your comment. I think you are right, humans have a tendency to not be content. We think the grass is always greener on the other side, and as a result we are never content with our own situation. Mixed-orientation marriage is not easy, I have a few good friends in a mixed-orientation marriage. Even though there are challenges that are not found in other marriages, it has its blessings. I sometimes wonder if I am suited for a mixed-orientation marriage, and I am unsure, but who knows, it may happen. But I am trying to learn to be content as a single person. When Paul talks about marriage and singleness in 1 Corinthians, his big thing is that no matter what situation you are in, marriage or singleness, be content. I pray that God will continue to show you blessing in marriage.
Hi Ashley! You mentioned you are in a mixed orientation marriage and in a previous comment you said that you have a good online side B supportive community. I also experience SSA and have struggled all alone without such a community, online or otherwise. I so ache to find such a supportive community because I feel I just cannot do this on my own. I have never acted out on my attractions over the years, but as a 38 year old, I have been recently aching for a partner to share my life with and feel deep grief over my faith/ God not allowing me a partner. I am not attracted to men and have never desired to be married. I became a believer around 17 years ago and thought my SSA would just go away. I vowed to keep this secret until I died, and it wasn’t till I was 25 that I found a safe person to share this burden with. However, she moved away the next year, and so I was alone again. I have also been in counseling surrounding this and have been hurt by other believer’s cruel comments about homosexuality as disgusting or a worse sin:( I was just curious about your experience/ journey with SSA and your faith and how to find a good side B supportive online community since I feel so lonely here in Indiana.
Well, I discovered my community through the gay Christian network. They have a message board and a side B group. you can look me up on facebook if you want. I know it’s hard to find. I had to do some digging myself
I will check out the Gay Christian network. Thanks.
I personally don’t recommend GCN, but I do hope you find online and offline community with other solid women. Grateful to have both of you ladies here with us crazy guys!
I’m just curious about your thoughts behind not recommending the GCN?
I’ll let you check them out and form your own opinions. I simply haven’t found them helpful in my personal journey.
Will, that was good. You seem to have articulated my entire life right up to the ‘doubt’ part. Your questions are good ones. I have no answers that will satisfy and I am almost 60 years old.
My experience has been that it is hard to find ‘authentic spiritual community’. The Church in it’s various forms, especially in the West, has become as shallow as the world in my view. I find I can walk into any evangelical church service and they all seem the same to me. Christianity Lite. Still, there are pockets of resistance. Hope springs as I find people here and there that want to love.
A friend of mine used to say that it’s OK to be lonely as long as you are free. Getting free is hard though. I think he knew that when he said it. It is especially hard for SSA’s like us. Our loneliness is primal because we deny a primal urge, something that seems like it is part of our natural selves.
You did say something that I kind of disagree with; that Jesus was not lonely.
I believe He was lonely here. He was constantly surrounded by broken people and, while He had compassion and love for them, He knew they were not like Him. There is no one like Him except God. His friends would turn on Him, run away from Him or walk away because they could not understand Him. People still do this, even us believers. It’s becasue of what He requires.
“Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me.”
In the Roman world, if a man took up his cross, everyone knew that he was going to his death. In a very real sense Jesus has called us to death for His sake. That death is more real for us than most if we choose to die to our SSA and live for Him. We have to rip the guts out of that sexual part of our selves and say, “no, I will not do what seems natural to me”. In that process, there can be a hardening of the heart that develops, but we cannot let that happen. There is also a draw toward things that might skirt the edges of our desires – that might help us mollify that urgent pressing need to know another man inside and out. I think I have watched every bit of ’emotional porn’ on Amazon. It leaves me empty. What I have noticed is that there is seldom a happy ending to any of these tales. They do nothing to make me feel better about my desire and sometimes they depress me, but I keep thinking that just once it will work out for the characters. That seldom happens.
We cannot spend all our time policing our own morality either. We have to live by the Spirit and come into community with other people of faith and maybe even reach out to those that have none. As someone that just retired, I find I have too much time to think about this stuff. As summer proceeds here in the States, I have found plenty to do, but this winter will be rough. I am going to need something to do with my time. I used to bury myself in my work for 12 to 14 hours a day. It made life easier. That’s no longer an option.
Maybe it’s time to reach out and give something back? I have always been a reluctant volunteer, but I’m thinking there could be a great source of community at the right place, with the right people. I am not sure where that will be yet, but here’s to hoping. It will be better than going home to an empty house.
Will, keep searching. Let us know what you learn as you find your answers. Crosses are heavy. Be careful.
“Was celibacy the right choice?”
Why is it that we humans are always so fixated about tomorrow? Trying to predict the future we waste today.
None of us can predict the future. We were never intended to do so to spend our time worrying about it.
For the unmarried, celibacy IS the right choice today. As far as tomorrow? We could be hit by a car, Jesus might return to take us home, or we might be wowed by the feminine as God opens our eyes to behold the beauty of ONE specific woman as for Adam (that’s how it actually happened to him)! Tomorrow we might not be celibate. Wow, shocking!
In retrospect, that’s what happened to me! And, a friend of mine who is seventy five JUST got married after being single all his life. He married a woman who is in her fifties. And, he tells me they’re having sex! He can’t believe it. But I think Jesus can.
I understand your pain, and can say that you have taken a correct choice. I chose the non-celibacy, and even though the time “spent together” with a dude friend was toe curling awesome, the experience just didn’t complete our friendship and there wasn’t that total peace that comes from God. Frustrating? Yes. The journey gets frustrating, and struggling with SSA is an ongoing irritation, but knowing others out there understand makes this celibacy survivable.
In the past year I have had the same thoughts about if celibacy was the correct choice. I found that the more I surrounded myself with good friends who I could do community with, the less the feelings of loneliness appear. For me though, I have to take it one day at a time.
Amazing- so many good points that I can only say amazing. Love your thoughts and convictions, Will.
Will, that was good. You seem to have articulated my entire life right up to the ‘doubt’ part. Your questions are good ones. I have no answers that will satisfy and I am almost 60 years old.
My experience has been that it is hard to find ‘authentic spiritual community’. The Church in it’s various forms, especially in the West, has become as shallow as the world in my view. I find I can walk into any evangelical church service and they all seem the same to me. Christianity Lite. Still, there are pockets of resistance. Hope springs as I find people here and there that want to love.
A friend of mine used to say that it’s OK to be lonely as long as you are free. Getting free is hard though. I think he knew that when he said it. It is especially hard for SSA’s like us. Our loneliness is primal because we deny a primal urge, something that seems like it is part of our natural selves.
You did say something that I kind of disagree with; that Jesus was not lonely.
I believe He was lonely here. He was constantly surrounded by broken people and, while He had compassion and love for them, He knew they were not like Him. There is no one like Him except God. His friends would turn on Him, run away from Him or walk away because they could not understand Him. People still do this, even us believers. It’s becasue of what He requires.
“Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me.”
In the Roman world, if a man took up his cross, everyone knew that he was going to his death. In a very real sense Jesus has called us to death for His sake. That death is more real for us than most if we choose to die to our SSA and live for Him. We have to rip the guts out of that sexual part of our selves and say, “no, I will not do what seems natural to me”. In that process, there can be a hardening of the heart that develops, but we cannot let that happen. There is also a draw toward things that might skirt the edges of our desires – that might help us mollify that urgent pressing need to know another man inside and out. I think I have watched every bit of ’emotional porn’ on Amazon. It leaves me empty. What I have noticed is that there is seldom a happy ending to any of these tales. They do nothing to make me feel better about my desire and sometimes they depress me, but I keep thinking that just once it will work out for the characters. That seldom happens.
We cannot spend all our time policing our own morality either. We have to live by the Spirit and come into community with other people of faith and maybe even reach out to those that have none. As someone that just retired, I find I have too much time to think about this stuff. As summer proceeds here in the States, I have found plenty to do, but this winter will be rough. I am going to need something to do with my time. I used to bury myself in my work for 12 to 14 hours a day. It made life easier. That’s no longer an option.
Maybe it’s time to reach out and give something back? I have always been a reluctant volunteer, but I’m thinking there could be a great source of community at the right place, with the right people. I am not sure where that will be yet, but here’s to hoping. It will be better than going home to an empty house.
Will, keep searching. Let us know what you learn as you find your answers. Crosses are heavy. Be careful.
Yes, yes, yes it is the right choice. Is making the right choice easy, no. Are we going to find it painful and lonely sometimes, yes. But if your God is the creator of the universe, knower of all things, who designed and created us and how we operate, then His way is always the right way.
It comes down to one question, who am I going to make sovereign, me or the Creator of the Universe?
I chose celibacy til I was 30. But was a miserable failure at it. No, marriage isn’t the answer but neither were my relationships up to that point. I prayed for a wife someone like me could love. God answered. My wife is an extension of God’s love and grace to me. That seems to be the best answer… God through people. For me… I desired that deep connection I thought only a man could fill. I was wrong. The right woman can also fill it.
Thank you for writing this. You’ve put words to so many thoughts and feelings I’ve had that I just couldn’t organize or verbalize. Culture and society are fallen. Following the ways of this culture and society which we are a part of will only lead us toward greater loneliness and destruction. We must go upstream if we hope to survive.
It won’t cure the loneliness…doesn’t matter what direction we will go.
Loneliness is a very bad thing indeed. Especially when a person is getting older.
Very good post.
„Sleeping by myself is one of the loneliest experiences.“ I deeply resonate with that.
To be honest, the thought of staying single for the rest of my life makes me more desperate the older I get. I still hope and pray that God will give me a wife and make me able for marriage.
I agree with you: for a life of celibacy, it’s important to be part of an authentic spiritual community. However, I cannot say that I really have such a community currently. Sometimes, I ask myself if God wants to force me by my SSA to recognize that my life is pointless without him and that I have to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and look actively for an authentic community.
I’m skeptical if a boyfriend could be a real solution for my loneliness in the future. My same-sex attractions are much more physical and less emotional or romantical (seems to be contrary to the experiences of many of the other guys here). The idea of coming home from work in the evening and having a guy there who wants to be hugged and kissed isn’t really appealing to me.
If I decided to live a gay life, it would probably be a sexually promiscuous life which might be extremely exciting in the beginning but I hardly believe that it would satisfy me in the length of time. It’s one of the reasons (besides of my Christian moral convictions and some others), why I don’t pursue a same-sex relationship.
Will, this post was incredibly well written. I think you got everything right, especially the idea that our cultural view is that if you aren’t married, you are somehow unfulfilled. That idea (which is popularly accepted) is absolute garbage. I am married and I do find my marriage and fatherhood fulfilling, but these family relationships only go so far in meeting my needs. I need God. I need my friends. I need my church family. YOB is part of my community.
All human relationships fail us at times. Not that we should quit on them, just realize that our ultimate fulfillment comes from God. And God provides all that we need through community. And community can be family and friends.
Celibacy is not an incurable disease…it can be a blessing to those who embrace it and seek community and deep fellowship with God.
When I think about loneliness, I know it was the first condition in the creation of humanity wherein God looked at it, interrupting the consistence of all that God had said was “good” in his creation, and then suddenly acknowledges, “it is not good for the man to be alone.” God was obviously speaking specifically of that loneliness in human connection, companionship, and interactions, because Adam had not fallen into sin yet, and God himself was present in the Garden, in face-to-face fellowship and communion with Adam. Then, of course we know that Eve was created.
One could go off on all sorts of different tangents from this point in Scripture, to try and prove or disprove any number of different theologies with regard to human companionship. But that is not my focus in saying any of this. My focus is that God himself acknowledges the pain that exists for us in a lack of human companionship, even while God himself is present in unbroken fellowship with us! And that is pretty incredible and deeply spiritual, especially when I think about how much God himself loves each one of us.
Suffice to say that sexual intimacy does not, in and of itself, define all of human intimacy and connection. And for that realization within my own humanity, I applaud Will for making the faith-based choices that he has, regarding celibacy. I applaud the honest bravery it takes any true follower of Christ to actually deny “self” daily, and truly pick up a cross like this of our own, in order to follow Christ in biblical truth. And quite frankly, it’s also deeply inspiring to my own faith in Christ.
Our testimonies are similar, and there are still a whole lot of things that I don’t have figured out yet. And Will is right… Presupposition influences our interpretation. But the Spirit of Christ will always speak with a single-minded voice to us, as long as we do keep our eyes on the heavenward calling for which Jesus redeemed us all to himself.
By the way, Will, I’ve been to many places throughout our world, and two men holding hands is a “taboo” of Western Culture, rather than a manifestation of biblically defined homosexual sin. And it is a presupposition of our Western Culture to assume that two men who do so must be “gay.” The reality of it, however, is that it is a non-sexual, not-erotic form of male intimacy that is openly shared between many men of other cultures, throughout our world… and for the record, I think “that” is a beautiful thing!
http://www.beyondtheshadesofgray.org
Hi. I definitely agree with you Dean that it is a “Western Cultural presupposition”. I am in Cairo, Egypt at the moment ; one of the most homophobic countries in Africa. I am sitting at a Starbucks in one of the city’s most popular malls and I have noticed a lot of unrestrained PDA between men; hearty greeting hugs, kisses on both cheeks and some men walking to and fro, arm in arm. In my country, we are not as overt but men can be seen hugging, holding hands or walking around with an arm over another’s shoulder in public occasionally without raising an eyebrow. I think in Africa, it is generally very rare to see openly gay men flaunting it (so to speak) in public so if two men are seen showing each other some friendly physical affection, it is almost never assumed that the two are gay.
I’ve written about this over and over again. The answer to loneliness or aloneness is not just marriage. It could be (to an extent) although not always. As you pointed out there are married people who feel lonely. You got it right. The answer to loneliness or aloneness is to serve God and others, serving meaning putting the needs of others before ours and that’s not something that the world wants you to do. I’m a celibate ex-gay but I’m not lonely (never have been) and I’m definitely not alone. I live with my family and I have so many friends. In fact, it can be hard for me to find some alone time. So, this idea that marriage is the only answer is just ridiculous. Like you said, that came out of a self-centered culture. Even marriage where it’s about serving each other, now it’s about meeting your needs and if your “needs” are met, then you move on to the next person. I think in the west especially where “independence” is highly regarded and is the measure of maturity has caused this loneliness because you are pressured to do everything by yourself while God never meant that. Independence is an illusion. We’re not independent. We’ll always be dependent to God.
I know this guy who have been reaching out to transgenders and now is living with some ex-trans to give them a spiritual community that helps them to walk with God. And this just reminds me of what the Church was like. You know, before it was a legal organization. When it was just spiritual family. Why can’t brothers or sisters in Christ live together? Why can’t spiritual family actually act like a real family? I feel like sometimes we say brothers and sisters in Christ just out of formality but we don’t actually believe it. Sadly Christians are more like the world when it comes to relationship.
I don’t mind sleeping by myself. I’ve been doing that for as long as I could remember. It doesn’t bother me a single bit but I do believe we need to be in community. When God said “it is not God for man to be alone”, I don’t think God was implying that Adam was lonely (he wasn’t) and that he needed an exclusive company next to him 24/7. I think it’s easy to fall into that “romantic” interpretation but if we continue to read, we’ll realize that the whole point of giving Adam a helper was to do God’s will, that is to subdue the earth. Adam couldn’t have done it by himself. He needed a helper to do that. Again… here it’s not about Adam’s mere personal needs… this is about doing God’s mission. And we simply can’t do God’s mission in our life by ourselves. We need a community to do that. As a reminder, God has a mission for each one of us. It’s bigger than our “romantic” life.
great post!
To be honest as a guy who just grasped and accepted the life of celibacy I do have doubts and fears about celibacy from time to time. I guess this is caused by the fact that I’m worried about having no intimacy (not sexual) with another man, that my family is worried that celibacy will make me miserable, and that I’m scared to be lonely. But what gives me hope is Jesus, his Church, this community, friendship and the fact that I’m not the only celibate Catholic who struggles with SSA.
What I learned is that the things I want from a man are acceptance, love (not sexual), and affection. I crave these things (sometimes not in a healthy way) considering my past and attraction. I have hope and confidence that I could live a happy celibate life based on the fact that Jesus was celibate, i have fellowship with God, and that I believe that community can give me what I need to be happy.
This was a great post! It gave me hope
I really love this post Will! I identify with nearly everything… except that I never sit at my piano to contemplate life. 🙂
This quote: “What do I do now? How do I escape the loneliness? It’s not by getting a boyfriend, but seeking deep authentic spiritual community.”
I’ve come to really believe this. And, it’s not just attending a church, but of living as part of the Body, and interacting with many of it’s members as often as possible!
Looking forward to more of your writing.
Joy! There is such joy in celibacy!
I’ve written some about my story, this is a good place to start, a post called “You’re celibate? I’m sorry.” – http://blog.erikpintar.com/celibacy.html
I also highly recommend ‘Theology of the Body’, the last section about celibacy – a must-read for any person considering or living celibacy!
https://www.amazon.com/Theology-Simple-Language-Philokalia-Books/dp/1442141042
I do, rather often, find myself somewhat lonely, having not allowed myself to be in a relationship with another guy, but I too-rarely meet anyone I can honestly say I connect with… I’ve considered the marriage-and-family route, though I feel that it would be unfair to the mother of my kids, in that situation. I contemplated a “Brokeback romance,” and I’ve considered polyamory, but In all honesty, I’m a Conservative-leaning Canadian nationalist, who doesn’t get-along with people whose open political orientation is Leftist. I don’t wanna get into a relationship with a woman, have kids with her, and then always struggle with my bisexual nature; better to improve myself, and build a life in which I can be happy.
Then there’s the question of David and Jonathan, or Jesus and the young man at Gethsemane… In all honesty, I’ve come to the conclusion that early Christians had too much in common with the Stoics and Pythagoreans, for there not to be room for deep bonds between men to be allowed… I mean, what of Aelred’s “Spiritual Friendship?”
I’ve explored mythology, philosophy and comparative religion for the better part of 30 years–since I was around 12. I spent years, during my teens, reading different versions of the Bible, talking to representatives from different Christian denominations, and contemplating my own grandparents’ Catholicism, though I resisted becoming a Christian for many years.
When I finally did take the plunge, I felt as though I’d found my path through life, doors opened up, opportunities knocked, and I answered when I felt confident it was what I was supposed to do… But I felt as though I was alone in my struggle with same-sex attraction. I could see a few of the boys who, I had no doubt, were struggling with it themselves, and I knew that they would need someone to relate to who had suffered and overcome, though our congregation, heavy on traditionalism, wasn’t providing for the *basic* ministerial needs of the youth, never mind the specific struggles, like sexuality and temptation in modern life–the youth ministry had stagnated to a fundraising effort for each summer’s Mexico mission-trip, which many of the youth–tending toward atheism–felt was a waste of time, as it was hard to bring friends to the youth nights.
The example these young men had was a flamboyant, manipulative man, with two adopted sons and a divorce under his belt. It was, in fact, because of him that I’ve come to dismiss, as fantasy, the idea that you can “pray the gay away,” after trying so hard to do so myself, by immersing myself in church-life, prayer, ministry, and so on. After trouble brewed between the aforementioned man and our pastor, the provincial bishop had to step in, and by him, I’d eventually be told-off as a bad example, since I was supposedly an “active homosexual,” despite never having even kissed another guy by that time! That day, I realized that nobody had ever really considered me a part of the congregation, so I gave up on Christianity, though the denomination, and Christianity itself, still had their effects.
If nothing else, the experience inspired me to explore Christian liturgy, church history, and the philosophies of the Stoics, the Buddhists, and the Gnostics.
Otherwise, I’ve reached a point where I’d settle for a deep friendship with someone who shares my interests in myth, psychology, and spirituality.
Hey Will, love this post. Speaks to my heart. First of all, I want to commend you on your celibacy. There’s one thing to have a history of pornography, but to have a history of sexual promiscuity like myself is harder to reconcile. What you had to say about community is striking. I think authentic, Christ filled community fills a great void, at least for me. When every significant family member of mine is in a relationship, I’ve felt like the odd man out. I’ve never had a committed relationship with anyone. I think our modern culture puts tremendous pressure to be in some sort of relationship, and at some point get married.
I wouldn’t say you’re screwed up in your faith. I think God has you exactly where He wants you. Finding a partner, in your case a woman, isn’t the goal. I think the goal is rather simple: love God and love others. Jesus made that pretty straightforward. I loved what you said “Jesus was single, but not lonely. He had a close knit community with God and friends. He was continually outward focused to the needs of others”. But we are not Jesus. We’re not perfect, like He was. Yes, we are being made into the image of Christ through the Holy Spirit. We are becoming more like Christ the more we surrender to His ways and put to death our own selfish ways. But I think for most of us there is this internal desire for a partner. I believe that’s from God. We just tend to screw it up because we desperately seek out relationships as the end-all solution to our brokenness. At least that’s what a lot of people are doing nowadays, gay or straight.
I connect with you with you in what you said in the beginning, in that you don’t ever see yourself with a woman. Honestly I felt exactly like that for a long, long time. I’ve come to discover for myself that believing that is a lie. The idea of a relationship with a woman scares the crap out of me. It’s alien, uncharted, and unknown. I’m terrified about the possibilities of such a relationship. What if I lose interest in her? What if she loses interest in me? What if my SSA becomes stronger than my feelings for her? Even if I was totally in love with her, would she accept and forgive me of my history of homosexual promiscuity? Will she be afraid that I might lose interest in her? Will she lose interest in me because I’m not man enough for her? What’s crazy is through time and growing closer to God this past year, I’ve begun to see that as a potential possibility. It’s faint, like a blurry image in my mind, but that’s progress.
The best answer I can find in the Bible for my situation, and perhaps yours too, is 1 Corinthians 7:26 “I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is.” and vs. 32-34 “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.”
What I think is the best thing for us now, in our situations, is to seek Jesus more and more.
Maybe I’m not qualified to give any advice. Being in a holy, committed, heterosexual relationship is totally foreign to me, so I can’t really speak on it. I still get this powerful urge to find a boyfriend and to live out this romantic fantasy I’ve played in my mind. I’ve found myself in your predicament where the only way to justify an ongoing homosexual relationship would be to totally reconstruct the framework of my faith. I tried investigating on how I could possibly do that, but due to the uniformity of Scripture and it’s clarity on sexual relationships, I would have to toss out my entire belief system in order to feel secure in a homosexual lifestyle. At this point in my life that’s impossible. God has revealed Himself and His ways too many times to me for me to deny the truth of the Bible and justify living an alternative way. I’ve still acted out sexually, even recently, don’t get me wrong. But as of late I’ve felt a powerful conviction about the nature of my sexual sins that I never quite had before. Something in my heart is still trying to tell me that an intimate/sexual relationship with a man will not fulfill my deeper needs for companionship.
Thanks for this blog post Will. I’ll be looking for more posts from you in the future.
I know this article is a year old. How are you doing now, Caleb Porter?
Will………Two thumbs up on this posting. I great you from Quebec!
I know when I was in the gay lifestyle I couldn’t stand to live alone for very long, I was always longing to be loved and someone to love. I was very codependent, I always ran after people for constant acceptance and affection. But do to my various personalty personas, I sort of drove people crazy, nuts, even within the community there were biases and prejudices.
Once the Lord got a hold of me, through the years I realized that He called me to be single and I’ve never married. I totally understand now the reasons why he did, it has taken some years for me to deal with all the abuses suffered as a child and adulthood, and He is not finished yet. I am very happy I’m single, and the loneliness, year by year dissipates, as I draw closer to my Lord, and He set’s me free from inner struggles, and brings healing.
Yet it is tough within the so-called Christian “society” for married persons to regard those that are single. You can many times feel an outcast, and seemingly feel forgotten. But the Lord has kept by my side through it all.
I look forward in reading other posts penned by yourself.
Oh by the way, I can smell your French press coffee from here……..ahhhhhhhhhh…….lovin it!
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