YOBcast Episode 022: Living Together

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Can same-sex attracted guys live together? Is there ever any physical/sexual temptation? Aren’t there at least heavy emotional issues living in the same house?

Tom, Elliott, and Bradley gather to discuss one of our most often asked questions: how do you three SSA guys live together in the same house? It’s an enlightening hour of conversation!

As always, we thank our Patreon supporters for this episode’s content. We couldn’t record, produce, and publish this show without you. Thanks for fueling our show with fantastic questions.

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Special thanks to R Fleming for this supportive iTunes review. We do this show for listeners like you!

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Enjoy the episode! And don’t forget to comment below: have you ever lived with another SSA guy? Would you ever want to live other SSA guys? Why or why not?

Links from the show

Tom’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/tom/

Elliott’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/elliott/

Bradley’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/bradley/

Bonhoeffer’s Life Togetherhttp://a.co/cvniv7L

  • One gay Mormon

    I had an SSA roommate for over three years. He was a great roommate and was the first one I ever had. Our personalities just didn’t mesh, and it came time for a change and for me to have my home back.

    If I had a bigger home, I’d probably do it again, perhaps with someone with whom I could carry on a close friendship. Sometimes I imagine a celibate partner, but that would definitely need to be in God’s hands.

    If marriage is between a man and a woman and not between two men, then I don’t see two men living together the exact same way as a cohabitating heterosexual couple. Even though I’m gay, if I were living with a woman…I’d want to be married to her. Since I’m wired the way I’m wired, I need men. Everyone needs boundaries. Two straight guys could push boundaries and have sex too (it’s happened before).

    • Totally. We all need boundaries. Grateful for two great housemates who agree and help hold things up!

  • Kevin Frye

    Wow, guys, great episode! I love what Elliott said about OSA guys not being fully vested in a community of single people because they’d always be looking for something better. It’s sad, but I think it’s mostly true. Gosh, I have so many thoughts on this…

    Yes, usually OSA guys (and many SSA guys, too), are always looking to get a girlfriend, get married, and start a new life, and everyone and everything else comes second to that life goal. Having been married for eight years now, though, I can tell you that THAT’S NOT A GOAL!!!!! Your life does not end when you get married! Marriage is just a change of the way you live your life.

    People are always thinking if they could just get a girlfriend or a boyfriend, get married, and then have a kid or two, life will be better, and they’ll be happier. The grass is always greener somewhere else than where they are right now. Therefore, people hold back. They hold back emotionally, relationally, financially, and in a lot of other ways, because they want to “save up” for what “really matters” once this current phase of life is done and they can finally ditch it and move on. SSA guys are the same. We’re all the same. We all think if we could just get that job, that house, that friend, that church, that raise, that outfit, that car, that look, that fix of whatever it is we think needs to be fixed, then our identities, our masculinity, will be validated and all will be well in our little world. We need to embrace where we are, wherever we are. SSA? Great! Go with it! Get out there in the world and let the Spirit be your guide, and don’t be afraid! OSA and you want to get married? Great! Get out there and live with people and be generous with your emotions, your love, your friendship, your time, your money, your strength, and live with abandon! Don’t worry what people think! The grass is never greener anywhere else. Stop believing the lie.

    I’m sure I could stay on my soapbox longer, but this might be something for me to write in a blog post one day. For now, good job on the podcast, guys. Love you!!!!

    • Thanks for your ~excellent~ question, Kevin. Got us off and running to a great episode.

  • Brandon Graves

    I’ve never lived with anyone who openly talked about being SSA, but then again I’ve lived by myself most of my adult life outside of military and college. The main thing for me in regards to a roommate is exactly what Elliott said on the podcast about having to have a relationship beforehand. That goes for any living situation, whether SSA, OSA, mixed orientation, or mixed gender. Also, having ground rules about the living situation is a must. I live in a mixed gender house, and the first thing I asked was what the basic rules were for the house before I agreed to move in.

    Overall, I enjoyed listening to the podcast and hearing what your experience is. What an amazing way to do community with brothers by living together!

    • Agreed on the ground rules. It can be awkward to treat your living place like a school or workplace with rules and such, but it makes such a difference in the long-term, having set standards in place. Glad you enjoyed the episode, Brandon!

  • Eddie

    I was told by my parents that I was living with a gay affirming guy back in my early college years. I didn’t get a gay vibe from him so he seemed civil and harmless. Although I didn’t quite come to terms with my sexuality at the time, I knew I wasn’t at all attracted to my roommate/housemate nor emotional dependent. We lived in the same apartment with each other living separate lives as students. At this juncture, I was independent and had my own social circle of friends to engage with on occasion. For the most part we only engaged with each other as to matters of the household like bills and cleaning. Would I ever want to live with other SSA guys (or other OSA guys, for that matter)? The short answer is no. Although the idea of SSA guys sounds appealing to me as a means to have community with like minded men conveniently located under one roof. However, as Elliott hinted, there are a host of variables that would have to be taken into account as to compatibility even with OSA guys. The YOB community gives me the sense I am not alone, but allows for a healthy evolution of male friendships and relationships. Without living under the same roof, I have the opportunity to allow for these relationships to flourish at natural progression. Much in the same fashion I have allowed my OSA friendships to prosper. I do find myself wishfully thinking that sometime in the future unmarried SSA guys would live together in a sort of commumity all to our own. Separate living spaces, but a whole community.

  • Posted prematurely… Editing…

  • Jake

    Great episode as always, brothers! I have to admit, when I first learned that Tom and Elliott live together, I wondered how that worked. But this is why I love how open and willing y’all are to talk about these things. Listening to this episode gave me a better understanding of how SSA guys can live together. I really resonated with what Elliott said about being afraid of outside perceptions. That is something I struggle with a lot – worrying about what others will think or assume if I put myself in a certain situation.

    I’ve never lived with any SSA guys, and I kind of have mixed feelings about it. Part of me thinks it would be nice to be around someone who shares the same struggles with me and who I can be myself around, but I also worry about the temptations that might come up. That being said, I love Tom’s method of weekly meetings with the housemates. That sounds like an awesome idea, and if I ever do live with other SSA guys I would want to have something similar, perhaps including a Bible study with the meeting.

    Anyway, thanks for what y’all do!

    • Glad this episode could shed some light, Jake! We understand that the perception of our situation can seem strange or different, and we’re all about talking it out so it’s all in the open. If you have good, regular communication with any friend — SSA or not — I think most living situations can work out.