I lurk among the shadows contemplating my existence. This castle is old, the walls creaking and groaning with the battering of the howling wind. The only soul within this castle is me, and I’d rather it be that way, for I’d rather be alone with my thoughts.

Yet at the same time, I don’t want to be this way. I spend countless hours pondering and mourning what I lost or what I never had. Was it rejection by others that put me here? Or was it my own regretful actions?

I sit in the dark endlessly pondering what went wrong.

In its old age, my castle holds many memories. Echoes and ghosts of better times, sad reminders of a lost past. Many bad memories intermingle, haunting the rooms like dark shadows.

I hear the children of the night make their music, and I enjoy it. Another reason why the people of the village fear me: they ignore simple pleasures like these.

Suddenly, I see him on the street: an attractive young man out for a jog, shirtless, very fit and young. A woman runs alongside him. A girlfriend? A wife, maybe?

This guy seems to have his whole life together: attractive, fit, and heterosexual. He probably has the most normal life on earth.

I click my long nails together in interest as I spy on him.

I hate this normal Mister Goodie Good! He thinks he has it all, doesn’t he? A girl is all he needs, as society says, right? Why does he not pay attention to me? I’d love to have him as my brother, and his life would be enriched by my love in his life, too!

But he won’t notice! Nor will he care!

I slink back into the shadows as my anger and longing turn to bloodlust. I feast on the blood of the masculine, and I long to sink my teeth into him to suck him dry. I want to be him and emulate his masculine life-force, and I want him to love me.

No one else loves me. But his lack of attention forces me to take it from him.

To love without love is the worst pain imaginable. I will do anything to numb it.

Regret is the last thing I feel at the moment. What does this Mr Sexy McPerfect Life know about true suffering and pain? He doesn’t know the first thing about loneliness or what I’m going through or have gone through.

My thirst is quenched, at least for a little while.

I go back to my coffin, cross my arms, and go to sleep. I am still alone with no love in my life and know that sometime soon I will sink my teeth into the next masculine man I see . . .

Ultimately, I am not satisfied. I begin to weep over being so alone. How could anyone love a disgusting outcast creature like me?

Worse, how could God love something evil like me? Surely, he doesn’t love me; he’s probably long given up hope and will not help me. I am alone within the walls of my castle for eternity.

I sink into despair and lose all hope.

~ ~ ~

Before you get too weirded out and say, “Hmm, that’s enough YOB for today,” this is how I used to see myself at times.

The shame over my SSA made me feel that I was something evil, repulsive, and unlovable. My loneliness and lack of friends seemed to prove it.

One day out of the blue, I sat in the shadows as God said to me:

You are not evil or a vampire. You are broken like every last person on this earth. Even that guy on the street you saw is broken and not perfect. Despite your brokenness, you are not beyond my love and you never have been.

I sit back in astonishment. Really? After everything I’ve done and every man I’ve lusted after, God still loves me? Even in my lowest and most depraved state, he still loves a creature of the night like me?

I realized that having these thorns in my side do not make me evil. Especially if I have remorse and repentance.

God doesn’t want me to sulk in the misery and darkness of my own shortcomings. He wants to welcome me into a world of love.

Despite everything, he brings blessings of love and brotherhood into my life like I would never believe. These men love me and don’t see me as some monster to avoid. What on earth did I do to deserve these blessings?

God is like Van Helsing, and he has driven a stake into the heart of my dark self-perceptions.

I am free of my curse now! I walk into the daylight, but I do not turn to dust. I walk under the light of God’s truth and love and into the arms of my brothers.

Have your attractions and struggles with lust made you feel like an unlovable vampire? How do you distance yourself from such self-perceptions? How do you make the switch from unlovable to lovable, both with respect to other people and to God?

    Eugene Heffron

    I’m a 30-something still trying to find my way in the world. Lover of all things creative, I am a drawer with an intuitive mind while also a deep thinker. I can be a person of extreme opposites: one moment a lone wolf, the next a social butterfly; one moment joyful and optimistic, yet sad and melancholic the next. As I came to terms with my SSA I met fellow SSA Christians and formed deep, intimate bonds. I’ve always longed for brotherhood and, at last, I have found it after years of social isolation. I am glad to be part of this community of bloggers and share my stories and struggles, joys and sorrows, dreams and longings.

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