Aside from writing under a pseudonym, my life is an open book. For my friends and loved ones, there isn’t a question I’m unwilling to answer. Especially once you’ve crossed the threshold of hearing my past with same-sex attraction (SSA).
At that point, what else can I tell you that is more secretive and vulnerable?
There is a question, though, that has never been asked. And I wonder if it’s even crossed anyone’s mind.
Perhaps I have given no reason to ask it. Or maybe it’s obvious that they know the answer — it’s plain as day!
No one asks me if I am still attracted to men.
I only bring this up because this is actually a legitimate question. I am a married man with a beautiful wife and an amazing daughter.
People who know me without my story don’t question my attractions. Why would they?
But people who do know me, who do know my past — do they still question my attractions?
Honestly, I kind of want people to ask me if I’m still attracted to men.
I don’t want people to assume. Assuming either way presents potentially false ideas about sexuality.
Let’s say you assume that since I’m married to a woman, I am no longer attracted to men. This means you’d believe sexual attractions can change. Or you’d believe that I was never really attracted to guys in the first place.
Believing the former can make people believe everyone can “change.” Believing the latter denies real attractions and authentic psychological desires.
Both beliefs are flawed.
Or what if you assume that, though I’m married to a woman, I am still attracted to men? You may believe, then, that I am denying who I really am. Or perhaps you’d believe I’m using my wife as a “beard.”
The first belief is classifying attractions too simply down to physical desires. The second belief is insulting to my and Lisa’s character.
I don’t want to be unfair and say these are the only possible explanations for people not asking about my current attractions. It’s more likely that most people simply don’t think to ask.
No assumptions. No wrong beliefs. Not even ignorance.
Simply not thinking to ask.
Truth be told, only one person needs the answer, and Lisa and I share everything with each other. She doesn’t have to ask this question, because she knows.
I’m willing to answer others who ask. I will just wait until they do.
If you’re a man attracted to men, have you seen your attractions shift or change over time? Would you say it’s possible to change your attractions permanently? Have you ever assumed someone else’s attractions or felt someone assuming something of you?