I discovered pornography at 11 — or, at least, that’s when I found Internet porn. I had previously discovered certain TV stations with programming about sex when I was only 9. Not pay-per-view stations — I mean MTV, VH1, or whatever networks showed Maury and Jerry Springer.

I got immediately addicted to the images of the men on the screen. I spent all the time I could at the TV watching shows that exposed men’s bodies or sexual situations. It enraptured me.

One random afternoon talk show featured some “musical” guests: a group of guys who sang while wearing towels. Their group had a website.

This was the turning point for me.

Internet was still new to me. Google had just begun. I decided to take it on a test spin. I typed a single phrase for what I wanted to see and —

SITE BLOCKED DUE TO ILLICIT CONTENT.

My parents’ Internet blocker kicked in. It did its job and did it well, preventing me from viewing those men I so longed to see.

A piece of software was not about to outsmart me, though. I had a sudden thought —

Perhaps if I misspell a word, the filter won’t catch it, but the search engine will.

I retyped my desired phrase, this time upsetting the perfectly typed words by just a smidge.

Eureka. Early-days programming meant the filter only looked for words, not actual content.

I was greeted by more images than my 11-year-old mind could comprehend. I drank it all in. For three whole minutes.

Then I shut it all down. Not out of guilt — out of fear for being caught. I remembered I wasn’t alone at home.

I’d have to wait to peruse it all longer.

What started that night was three years of an unchecked porn addiction. I never felt guilty. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I felt like I wasn’t hurting anyone?

No one knew. The guys on the screen didn’t know — or at least didn’t care. I did always mind sites that said: “18 or over to view.”

Yes, indeed, I figured I would obey that rule. I was such a rule-follower.

Then when I was 14, my parents discovered my addiction. Needless to say, their “intervention” lasted only a year before I was back in porn full-time again.

Not until my early 20s would I start to find victory against my porn addiction. Until then, I was a slave to the screen . . .

How did you discover pornography? Were you ever caught? How do you find small (and large) victories over pornography years later?

  • It’s important to realize that porn is not the beginning, it is not the bait and hook. The first time I saw porn, I was ten and another boy was carrying around a porn magazine and showing it to everyone. I literally wasn’t interested. I wasn’t offended. I had no reaction. I just literally couldn’t care. I was more bothered by the way this boy was shoving it in my face.
    In a way, my porn addiction started when I was five because that’s when I was sexually molested and introduced to sex. I did not desire porn then because I didn’t have the hormones of puberty but that experience shaped my concept of what sex was so that after I hit puberty and had hormones, that was the kind of porn I desired, porn that reminded me of molestation because in my mind sex equaled molestation.
    Also, what shaped my porn addiction was my dad’s hyper-modesty. He filled my head with so much body shame that I felt like I had to wear gloves and a ski mask to keep every inch of skin covered. He put the idea in my head that male genitalia was forbidden fruit but because my mom was more open minded, female bodies lost their mystery. I had a desire to see male bodies because that was forbidden.
    My road away from porn addiction was complicated with many influences both positive and negative but the most common theme was “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”
    Studying the Bible helped a lot. No it won’t be simply reading a verse that cures you. You have to dig deep into the whole counsel of God and slowly, the more you understand, the freer you will be.
    Also, nudism helped a lot. Once I removed the mystery and forbidden fruit status from male bodies, I found them to be common. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Therefore, my desire to see the forbidden faded away. (I caution though that you want to look at nudism, not porn. Porn only increases your desire. Nudism makes it nothing.)

    • Fred, you are correct when you say porn is not the beginning, at least in general. Perhaps if someone is introduced to porn and that porn stirs up something underneath- but even in that, there is an inward desire already there. That desire may have been awoken by the porn, but it was already inside.
      For me, porn was the birth of a new era, not the start of a battle with lust. That battle had been going on for a long time and I had been losing it. Porn was simply a new weapon of the enemy to continue to drag me down. As you said, the Bible helped immensely- studying it, devouring it, and craving it provided weapons against the enemy.
      Thank you for sharing your story and struggle. I pray you continue to find victory over sin in your life.

  • I was introduced to pornography by my uncle. As I was raised by a single feminist mother, she quickly realized she was out of her element when it came to raising boys. My uncle (her brother in law) was charged with the unpleasant task of teaching me the facts of life. My father was completely left out of the picture. I was thirteen. As my uncle only had daughters, he too was out of his element. Rather than talking with me, explaining things, he showed me hard core pornography from his personal collection.
    I was appalled seeing a woman fully exposed like that. Further she was having sex with a guy who was just as equally exposed. I became nauseated at the sight of the woman and was immediately fascinated at the guy. I already knew there was something different about me, something I could not quite put my finger on. Now the sight of a naked man exhilarated me and I wanted more. There was no internet yet and the only porn that I could come by was sold in a convenience store run by an old lady (who probably knew my grandmother) so that was out. There was a place out in the country (that I would go to many times as an adult) but as I was fourteen and only had a bike, that was out of the question.
    Then my cousin (from a different uncle) showed me a magazine from his father’s collection. It too was hardcore. I was fascinated by the sex acts depicted, and especially with the guy who had a big member. I asked if I could keep the magazine and my cousin said ‘sure’, and that he had lots of others. I liked it because it had guys and girls, that way I would have plausible deniability if I was ever caught. I wasn’t (forgot to throw it away when I joined the Navy).
    I would do the usual boy things that boys do with such smut. But I often compared myself to the guy: I wasn’t as big as him. In fact I seemed rather puny (I didn’t know about enhancements that a guy could do). It was totally fake, but those images didn’t stop me from having a poor self image (plus the fact that my best friend had just died didn’t help). I took supplements to try to make myself bigger. It didn’t work.
    I didn’t look at pornography too often, that is until I gave up gay sex. The internet was really becoming popular and so was this new thing called ‘Google’. I started viewing images and became intoxicated with them. Here was a reasonable substitute for gay sex. The a friend of mine told me about a certain website with videos – for free. I checked it out and became hooked. The fact that I didn’t have to go way out in the country to get a porn movie (they had it all) and could get instant access at any time…
    I became addicted. Late at night, when everybody was asleep I would view it, even staying up two or three hours past my bedtime just watching others do what I denied myself. My stroke came in 2012, and totally erased my identity. I didn’t even know I was gay. I found out again by examining my internet browsing history. To say I was angry was an understatement. I WAS PISSED! I masturbated just to spite God. Why would He spare my life if he knew how rotten I was. I hadn’t moved Him an inch off His throne.
    I began weaning myself from the porn in February 2016 and was fairly successful. I would come back to it every four months or so. Found out it was stress related. The last time I viewed it was November 18, 2016. That was the worst. I had been so proud that I had been clean for four months; and then I had an argument with my wife over pictures of the twins. I went right back into it as if I had never left. I felt awful when the deed was done. I didn’t talk to God for three days, as I felt I had disappointed Him. I hadn’t.
    I began anew. I realized the cause of why I went back and tried meditating in God’s word. The urge was still there and I realized I needed help. I started going to Celebrate Recovery meetings. I found out the underlying cause was an addictive personality (still fighting dark chocolate) (video games I am mostly free from). I have been free now for nearly fourteen months. One day at a time…

    • Praise God for the freedom you are living in, Bradley! I have heard many wonderful things about Celebrate Recovery. I am so glad you have found victory with that community. I pray you continue to live in that victory every day, one day at a time!

  • My addiction began in Jr. High. I was raised by all women and there were NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO males in my life and no interactions with males as I seemed to be sick all the time, and became very withdrawn. I happened to come upon a store where, if you walked by, a clothed man became nude. I was totally entranced. “That’s what others look like.” I was OK until college until I saw my roommate in an aroused state. His was different than mine, and I wanted to look on line to see who was more normal. The rest is history, and after an encounter in college, I was more interested in guys than women because I wanted to feel “manly” and was tired of women. It was a downward spiral, and homosexuality felt normal. To this day I really don’t feel like a heterosexual, and so pornography addiction has been hard to overcome. When I keep busy and away from the internet, I’m fine.

    • I can so identify with what you said, being raised by women. My father was not in my life, and my two uncles were so emasculated it was like they were not there. I get the impression they did not have sex with their wives so turned to pornography. My mother and her sisters were feminists; and while they were not unkind, they also made it known that I was less than human because of my genitalia.

      • Fist pump man. That’s when I wonder, if I had been raised in a different environment, would I not even CONSIDER myself homosexual? I was so desperate for affirmation as a male. I’ve made great progress, but not there yet. Sad thing is, in church settings, saying you’re SSA is, in most settings, a sentence for making people nervous. Not angry–just noticing.

  • Before I understood sex, I had certain sexual desires in the form of quite strange fetishes. I still to this day have them and don’t understand why, since they aren’t inherently sex related, but they’ve existed since I was a toddler. I was young, and all I knew was that certain things felt good, and though I knew a little about sex, I had no idea that these were sexual at all. A Google search for pictures related to these things and soon I ended up in pictures made by other people for the purposes of eroticism. Turns out I wasn’t the only one who had these feelings, it drove me nuts. Not only was I seeing these images, but someone went out of their way to DELIBERATELY make something that was ABSOLUTELY as erotic as possible. This blew my mind. Unfortunately, these fetishes are most common among gay men, so it didn’t take long before I ended up on pictures more unrelated to fetishes and first and foremost being gay pornography. Even to this day, I’ve never really looked at “real” pornography (it’s too intense for me and actually disgusts me) and I wouldn’t dare reveal exactly how what I’ve viewed is different, but it’s basically just gay pornography with an added element. So my porn problem actually didn’t start with porn at all, it just kind of slipped further and further into it. I don’t know if anyone else has an experience like mine, but I’d love to hear about it. Hope maybe this helps someone else feel like they’re not alone.

    • That supports what I was saying. It doesn’t begin with porn. You have to already have some sexual immorality in your head before porn even appeals to you. Porn feeds that immorality but it’s not the source of that immorality.

    • Fred, you’ve inspired me to write a post on fetishes. I’ve also never watched “real” pornography, but I’ve fetishized things that warp my sense of reality, masculinity, and brotherhood. Thanks for commenting vulnerably about your experience, brother.

      • fetishes = testosterone
        I am a eunuch and have no libido, not even enough to like self harm (earrings). All this talk about vulnerable and body stuff is like i landed on the wrong planet. Human body is like a tree without testosterone.
        As long as i eat healthy so i keep my bones strong. Just wish i could beat the intense hot flashes and heat sensitivity. phx is too hot for a eunuch to wear a shirt in the summer.

      • Thought for your future fetish post: Is there a difference between Fetishes and Kinks? Until recently I thought Fetishes were strictly sexual but my aunt used it to describe her obsession with the Royal Family in England. Kinda confusing

  • Testosterone (and perhaps estrogen which is very similar) is the software program that tells the human brain that women parts (v & b) are supposed to be attractive / alluring / fascinating / seductive. Without it it looks like the equivalent of a tree, yet i’m still a straight male. I still don’t think offenders should have the software on their electrochemical computer (brain) uninstalled because there is extreme risk of thinning bones unless they learn about alkaline (ancient) vs. acidic (modern) foods and the hot flashes are miserable sometimes!
    The testosterone software is as long as trying to learn the Microsoft Excel software & i’m not getting paid to teach it but maybe i’ll start my own website eventually.

  • I am a very texturally driven person. I hate tags on my shirts and sweaters and turtle necks are total no goes for me. When i was about 10 I was obsessed with scuba divers. I thought the job seemed pretty awesome, the aquatic life was cool, but most of all i thought the tight neoprene wetsuits they wore were the coolest things on earth. They look like freaking super heroes! I would spend hours sitting at the computer looking through whatever google images had of wetsuit clad men(most super hero movies are about men, this wasn’t ‘gay’ just yet) and imagining get to wear one of the suits myself.
    One time that I was on, I saw a picture of a picturesque man wearing a suit that was black, tight and shiny. It looked like rubber or something really exotic….. I decided to look up ‘men rubber wet suits’…..
    That day I learned that a guy wearing rubber is called a gimp….
    the rest is history…

  • Porn… exposed to dads magazines at age 5 and it went from there. I used his magazines here and there until age 13 when puberty hit and this amazing thing that was so much fun- masturbation. I used his mags and others I found almost daily then bought mags when I could as a college guy.
    I wanted the guys.. but I would hide my SSA for years.
    Once I became a Christian, things changed, but after some years married and a believer I fell back into it and then…. the Internet – a whole new world . Total absolute addiction … the story goes on… we shall see how much I share here publicly. Open to conversation

  • Dean

    I write under this pseudonym account and do my best to pursue Jesus Christ every day. I fail often, yet I get back up each time. I am married to an incredible woman I call Lisa – she is far better than I deserve. My daughter is one of the greatest joys of my life. And in my spare time, I watch my favorite TV shows and movies, play RPG video games, and hang out with my friends. Yes, I am a nerd and I am proud of it.

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