It was dark, and everything was quiet. I sat in my car looking out at the city from the base of the mountain, thinking of everything that had happened and would soon happen. It was day three of not being on speaking terms with my best friend, and I was still upset about my worst birthday ever and what my best friend had done to me.
I still had rage in me, and it wasn’t going away.
On top of all that, earlier that evening I saw the girl who ended my Bible study post a picture of herself holding hands with my best friend. I immediately blocked her, because I knew what that meant. And I couldn’t handle it right then and there.
Things were changing, and they were changing fast!
I didn’t want to lose my best friend to this soon-to-be relationship. I already knew what it felt like to be left alone, tossed away like an old rag doll by a straight relationship, forgotten.
I don’t know how many times this had happened to me, and I wasn’t ready to go through it again. Especially by someone I thought would be my best friend for a long time.
I sat there pouring out my heart to God, pleading to Him not to change this friendship! Especially with how things were going in my life.
Why? Why are things not going my direction? Why is everything I’m holding onto slipping through my fingers?
I decided to put on a sermon podcast. Maybe that would help me take my mind off this whole situation.
I found this pastor on rotation named David Rosales from Calvary Chapel Chino Valley who I’ve mentioned on previous posts. To my surprise, yet despair, he was talking about relationships!
Oh great! Thanks a lot, God!
Nonetheless, I didn’t stop or change the podcast. I listened to what Pastor David had to say that night, just to see if it would change my perspective on this whole best friend / girlfriend situation.
What Pastor David said is that we shouldn’t be rushed to be in a relationship, and I totally agreed. But he said something else that required some time to talk about. He mentioned how people get so anxious about wanting to be with someone that they don’t think about how it will affect them as a whole.
How we sometimes think we’re ready for a relationship when, in actuality, we are not.
Pastor David stated that he knew something was wrong with him, ever since he was little, and that he’d also wanted to be in a relationship since he was little.
Some of us desire to be in a relationship; whether it be in romance with another person or friendship, that desire will come out one way or another.
We come to idolize the ideal, and we twist it in our own way to get what we want.
We want the perfect boyfriend, perfect girlfriend, or perfect best friend, yet what we want isn’t good for us all the time.
I thought to myself, for years, I’ve wanted someone to be by my side. That perfect friend or boyfriend to understand me fully, to be everything that I wanted. Someone who was the perfect fit for me because my heart had a hole.
Then he said something that I would soon pray for myself:
Just like Adam was put to sleep in the Garden, will you do that to me? God, in Jesus’ name, will you put to sleep my desires, because I’m always anxious to get married. I want to get married; you know that.
For the longest time, I’d always wanted to get married. I wanted someone to fill that gap inside me, and I’d used people to fill that gap.
Whether from hooking up, wanting a best friend, or wanting a boyfriend to fit my standards, I wanted that long-lasting relationship to call my own. I was never satisfied.
So, I prayed that prayer and cried.
I gave out a big inhale, exhale. I dried my tears and started driving down from the mountain to go back home. That was enough alone time for me that night.
I knew from that point on, things would change. Yes, things were changing, but I still had to go through some stuff before that prayer would be answered.
But one thing came out of that drive immediately. An interest popped into my head and my heart. And I wasn’t ready for it at all!
Have you lost a best friend? Do you struggle with idolizing relationships or the prospect of acquiring certain relationships? Have you ever prayed such a prayer as “put to sleep my desire”?