From here on out, posts like this one are ones I don’t want to write. I’m going to feel so stupid even writing these out. Do I feel shame about this post? Probably. I feel more like I’m a fake. Why? You’ll understand in a little bit. Let’s flash back to three years ago . . .
I arrived at a pizza joint to meet some friends and my one friend, George. It was a summer night, and George wanted to discuss something. Something to get off his chest.
George was starting to get serious with his faith, and I, along with a few others, took it upon ourselves to disciple this guy. He was very intelligent with a hunger to know more about Jesus. He asked really good questions, even articulating some that most of us had never considered.
He knew about my sexuality, and I felt safe with his knowing I was gay. I really appreciated his questions and challenges as we became friends.
George got us some pizza and drinks as we started to talk about the usual stuff, God and life. As the conversation passed, we hit a point regarding his interest in a particular girl, Annie. I gave him a weird look, mostly surprised like a “whatcha talking about Willis?”
I knew my friend was still in the baby stages of his faith, and he was kinda girl-crazy! I asked him why he was interested in asking her out. Of course, he gave your typical straight guy answer: “She’s pretty, funny, intelligent, blah, blah, blah…”
After he explained why he liked her, George asked what I thought. As you guys might guess, I was pretty straight up with him. I told him that I didn’t see a guy like him dating a girl like Annie. They were two totally different people with different interests, desires, and spiritual states.
I told him he still had a long way to go before becoming a spiritual leader in dating someone like Annie.
He shot back. “Why do you still see me as a little kid? I have so much to offer, yet you guys think I’m immature. I’m more than that! How am I supposed to grow and become a spiritual leader if you guys are always going to treat me like a little kid? I’m not stupid!”
He made a good point! I’d seen him grow, and I was holding him back, treating him like a little kid when he had so much potential!
But something inside me still didn’t trust him. As if my conscience were telling me that he was going to sleep with her, then leave her once he had his way.
I expressed my concerns. I told him that Annie was a very special woman. Unlike any other woman I’d known. Someone who loves God so much with an innocence about her that I didn’t want him to corrupt. I was very abrasive in saying that if he did anything to her, it would be on his head.
I also stated that she had been in a relationship that ended six months prior, adding that he give her time to heal. I hoped that was a good excuse for George not to ask her out on a date.
As our hangout came to a close, I told George I wouldn’t view him as a little kid anymore. I thanked him for being vulnerable with me and challenging me. Though I still didn’t trust him that much, I knew I had to; it was the right thing to do.
We left the pizza joint, and on the way to my vehicle a thought popped into my brain: “You like her!”
The thought stopped me in my tracks.
Me, like a girl? What?
I shook it off and went back home.
What a ridiculous thought! Dude, I’m gay! I’ve never liked a girl in my life! What the heck?!
But as the years passed, at random times, that thought popped up, again and again, especially when Annie came around me or our small groups. Again and again, I’d swipe the thought from my brain, because it just didn’t make any sense.
Flash-forward to three years later . . .
As I drove down the base of the mountain after listening to a sermon and enjoying some prayer, the thought once more popped into my head: “You like Annie!”
I wanted to swipe away the thought again, but this time I actually considered it. Maybe I could like a girl?
I finally arrived home, drained and ready for bed.
The next day would be different.
The feelings for my crazy thought would come. I wasn’t about to be done with my hellhole; it was going to be next level!
Have you experienced attraction of any level for the opposite sex? Did the initial thought or feeling surprise you or scare you? Have you dated (or married) a woman with success?