Jacob’s older brother, Nate, joins us for a deep-dive into their relationship: how Jacob came out to his brother, Nate’s reaction as a straight guy, their parents’ dynamic, and their respective struggles with pornography. Their origin story a cinematic storytelling session full of laughs and tearful takes alike.
Beyond learning their brotherly bond, we get to know Nate (including his personality styles and love languages), uncover Nate’s friendship with Tom, and partake in a “brotherly bridge” all about capris. Yes, capris — the pant.

Nate also offers to answer any questions from the straight male perspective: just use #AskStraightNate on Twitter!

Our current podcast production schedule is one public episode and one private episode per month, the latter available exclusively to our patrons on Patreon. Pledging even $1/month grants you access to The YOBaLOGUE, our 30-minute bonus podcast that features listener feedback, bloopers, one “brother beat” segment, and other cut content from this episode. Check out our Patreon page for more information!

As always, we thank our YOBBERS — financial backers of Your Other Brothers who supply our show with phenomenal content. We couldn’t produce a podcast twice monthly without our faithful YOBBERS! Your support and contributions mean so much.

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Enjoy our BROTHERS episode! And don’t forget to comment below . . .

Tell us about your relationship with your brother(s). Have you come out to him? Are you a straight brother (or other family member) who has been come out to?

LINKS FROM THE SHOW

  • All I can say is thank you. The vulnerability of both Nate and Jacob to share the nitty gritty details of their story is amazing. I always wished I had a brother, but to have a brother like Nate is to Jacob would be next level. You have a special relationship, and Nate’s eagerness to understand and empathize with Jacob’s story and experience is inspiring. I’m a longtime listener of the podcast, and this episode instantly became a favorite. It should be a recommended listen for any friend or family member of a Side B person.
    But one thing was missing: where was the benediction, Tom?

    • Glad you enjoyed this episode so much, RB! It’s an instant favorite of mine as well. No benediction this episode because of the guest/interview format. Will have another in store next time when we dive into a more “regular” episode!

  • There were many things about Jacob and Nate’s story that resonate with me. I think one of the largest ones was actually Jacob sharing about how at first it was almost as if he had become two different people: one that was “good” and straight, and the other that was attracted to other guys. Similar to Jacob, for the longest time I had my own two people. They so separated that it also never occurred to me to share the other “bad” person with anyone. I don’t know how to describe it other than that I felt normal, wasn’t bothered by homophobic comments or assaults, and did many stereotypical “manly” things. Yet at the same time, there was this inner / secret “real me” that I only ever confronted or “let loose,” I suppose, in my room, at home, or in secret.
    I think there must be a psychological condition for this cause I honestly never had any inclination to unify the two people, at least not until I entered university. I huge turning point for me was hearing a statement on this show, actually, a long while back (maybe the old labels episode? I don’t remember exactly). The statement was something about being non-straight… I remember sitting down almost in a fluster and thinking, “Holy crap I’m not straight!!” That was like, “well no crap dude lol of course you’re not.” But admitting that to myself was a huge step in unifying those two previously divided people.
    Sometimes I do secretly wish that I had had an experience like Jacob, where someone confronted me about my sexuality. But I always got away with keeping it secret. Maybe I would have unified those two people a long time ago.
    I’m still not open about my sexuality with friends and family. To date, I’ve told 3 people I’m close to, and I’m working slowly towards telling more. I always post on here under my actual name, praying to the sweet lawd that no one I know will find me on here.
    I unfortunately didn’t grow up with a brother. Although I do have two sisters, and now a step-sister and step-brother. My relationships with each other them are all over the place. (My family life has been really jacked UPPPPPP). I was extremely touched by Nate’s commitment to love Jacob as his little brother and know him fully, whatever that means, whatever he needs to learn. It struck me because it’s something I long for, but something I’ve never had in my family.

    • I sorta secretly wish I’d been found out earlier too. Yeah, there’d be the initial horror. But man, the freedom to follow. And I can resonate with uniting the two selves. It happened for me in a journal entry one night after using coded language for years. It wasn’t that anyone else may find my journal, though that’s the excuse I always used…but because I was terrified to see those words inked myself.

      • O the depths of treachery found in our own hearts. But yes, freedom is in the truth!
        And look at you now though–certainly a far cry from coded language journaling

    • Hi Keegan!
      I too relate to the dichotomy that exists between the straight and same sex attracted parts of myself. They seem to be in opposition to one another. There is a psychological concept called internal family systems (IFS) that has helped me better understand the different “parts” of me. In simplest terms each of us has an inner child (sometimes called an exile), an inner teenager (called a firefighter) and an inner parent (sometimes called a manager). In a healthy internal family system these parts work together to help each of us integrate these parts to be more whole. In an unhealthy internal family systems these parts are dysfunctional and we tend to have a primary part that we operate out of!
      I think it’s incredibly vulnerable of you to post here under your real name! That takes boldness for which I applaud you for! I too am not out and have only told a handful of people! For me, I don’t know that Jesus is calling me to be fully out….. there is something so relational about sharing my story with those who do know… and for the most part this has brought a much deeper connection with the small group of people I have entrusted this with.
      Praying for you friend!

      • Interesting. I have never heard of the internal family system. Perhaps I will look into it.
        And thank you for your affirmation. I, too, am unsure if I will be fully out ever. I suppose time will tell. I do agree with you though, that it has very much so deepened the relationship with those that I have told. And thanks for the prayers that’s the best!

  • I wanted to first comment on how Nate refers to Jacob. As a Jacob myself, I introduce myself by and prefer my whole name, Jacob. But I’ve noticed that my own family (both immediate and extended) all call me Jake. It’s sort of become endearing. It stuck out to me that Nate used ‘Jake’ as well, so I was curious how you felt about that or if that’s been a thing you noticed.
    I really appreciated the timing of this episode, because I just sort of accidentally came out to one of my brothers a couple of days ago. I wasn’t planning to talk about it going in to the conversation, but I chose my words carefully and felt lead to go there. And I was kind of nervous of his response, but he texted me today to reaffirm his love and support for me. I’m closer to him than my twin brother, so it meant a great deal from him. I am not yet bold enough to use #AskStraightNate on Twitter, but I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help my brother as he is processing through this. He is not a believer, so that part looks different, but I was curious if Nate has thoughts on how he could have answered those initial questions he had more quickly or clearly. Or, if I plan to talk to my twin about it, how would Nate have preferred Jacob approach it if he was leading the conversation? Do you have thoughts on what would help avoid adding more awkwardness to an already difficult conversation.
    Thanks guys!

    • Thanks for commenting, Jacob/Jake. I’ve also noticed Nate calling him that, both on the show and off. Glad you picked up on that as well! I posted an excerpt of your comment on Twitter (without your name attached), so we’ll see if Nate responds!

    • Sorry for being so late…. but here’s my response
      Great questions. First off, I need to say the onus of doing it perfectly is not on you. I don’t think I clearly stated this enough on the episode but a lot of the stuff I was dealing with when Jacob came out to me was a product of my own homophobia and built in misconceptions. It was not his responsibility to make those moments better for me. It is definitely all on me to love my brother well no matter how weird of a situation it feels like. Also there’s some dissonance in me over finding out about Jacob by calling him out instead of giving him the opportunity to come out to me. I’m glad it happened but obviously I took him by surprise and at the moment it was also about pornography and not just sexuality which is a rough foot to start off on. So with that very long intro in mind from my side here are some things that would have helped me with my initial questions. (Again nice to have but not required)
      Jacob acknowledging that the talking about girls and future wives was not malicious deception. I would have loved to here a reaffirmation that I knew the real him at some level and this part of him was hid from me because of shame or fear or uncertainty of his own attractions etc. Hearing from someone you love the truth that I was afraid to come out to you because…. gives me an opportunity to see the pain of being in the closet and I am able to take a position as comforter instead of investigator.
      It would also be great to remind him of the kind of trust you have in him in order to come out to him. Coming out is no light thing and especially in a Christian home where growing up the gay people were “out there” letting someone see this important part of you should be seen as an honor to the person receiving the news.
      If the situation had been different and Jacob had come out to me on his own terms. I would love to have experienced a flood of relief or tears or vulnerability from him instead of defensiveness. That’s the great gift you give to a family member you come out to. A vulnerable expression that they have the power to care for or squish like a bug. Giving your brother the opportunity to metaphorically or literally wrap his arms around you is quite a gift.
      My biggest advice and the one I needed the most was patience and follow up. It may be awesome and happy and life affirming. It may be awkward and quiet and involve a fist bump. But if you can be patient, it will pay off. Come back in a couple days or the next day. And ask if he has any thoughts or if he has any questions. Remind him there are no questions too dumb to ask. (I had and have had many since that day). Follow up a month later or a year later. Questions are constantly forming in us straight brothers. We just aren’t always good at asking them. Tell him if you are side a or side b and what that means. It is unfair but if you can take the initiative of bringing it up and soliciting questions and his opinion, the dialogue can continue.
      I hope that helps in some way. I’m glad you have the YOB community around you and if your twin doesn’t react well and you need a straight brother in Christ to affirm you, just Ask Straight Nate again and I’ll try to respond quicker than 6 weeks next time 🙂

      • Love you, Nate! Thanks for chiming in (albeit 6 week late). It would be interesting to watch yall’s story play out in some parallel universe where Jacob came to you first. Such a contrast that you described, vulnerability versus defensiveness. It’s funny that I’ve almost been jealous of yall’s story because I wish I’d been found out years prior to save myself all the grief and loneliness. But I know there’s pros and cons to everything, and we have to trust the Lord’s timing for our stories.

      • Thank you, Nate. I really appreciate your perspective and your encouragement. And reminders of the things that I might know about deeply but are brand new to the people I talk to.

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