David and Jonathan — that hallowed bond.

Two men unified in their very being. Their souls knit together. An unbreakable covenant with God between them.

Two men who fall upon one another, kissing each other’s necks. Two men who wept together and saved nations. Brothers-in-law and lovers-in-heart.

At Jonathan’s death were those words David uttered (2 Samuel 1:26b ESV):

. . . your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women.

Welcome, brothers, to the story of finding my Jonathan — prideful, I suppose, to assume myself as David. But, oh, do I dance.

David & Jonathan, Part 1

I must be honest, even mentioning that fabled duo feels all too “on brand” for this hippy. We men know these two well, but their love has been the constant longing companion at the center of my heart for many years.

My pursuit has not been one of sex, though it wormed its way into my story and convinced me otherwise. No, it’s something deeper than that.

My longing has been for the genuine, reciprocated love of a man. A man to hold and be held by, a man to weep with, laugh with, live with. A covenant companion.

I once thought such a thing was outside God’s plan; praise God it wasn’t. These are new conclusions to me. Brand new. Only recently has my world been turned upside down in a wild torrent of healing love.

Welcome to the madness of figuring it all out. I do not know the ending of it all, but the foundation has been laid and I can now tell you my story with more clarity and conclusion than ever before.

So, let me set the stage for you. Let me tell you the story of my first “Jonathan.”

Calvin

Oh, Calvin. We hated each other as children. Our mothers forced one of us to go to the other’s birthday party, and we were best friends ever since.

For years upon years we had sleepovers once, twice, or three times a week. As we grew and matured our childish conversations grew deeper. I knew I was the only person to whom he truly opened up his heart.

We shared a precious brotherhood between us. We were inseparable, and everyone knew it.

Our talks raged long into the night. We knew each other’s Facebook passwords, an unhealthy level of control that I certainly should not have had.

I knew everything about him; he knew everything about me.

We were David and Jonathan at its finest and in such a public, known way. There were no questions between us — arguments, certainly, but always girded in deep care and affection.

Midway through our teen years, I snooped on his Facebook and discovered certain things he had done, secret relationships he’d had with a few different girls.

I was distraught and so hurt that he would keep secrets from me.

That wasn’t what we did. We were accountability partners. He knew my brand of porn was different than his, but we were always honest with each other about it.

This began a lifelong battle of bitterness over not being told things; it’s my control issues. I tell people everything, and someone’s not trusting me back by sharing his truths, his heart is a deep sting to this day.

I began to police Calvin. I began to take control and force him to keep the same morals I kept — ironically, the same thing I was mad at his parents for inflicting upon him.

Then came the dream. I remember it vividly, though I will describe it less so.

I had a sex-dream starring Calvin, and everything changed. It was all I could think about.

I subtly pushed my best friend all the time, trying to “test the waters.” I started taking a long time to change at our sleepovers, aimed for us to get naked in the sauna. I made jokes that seemed innocent to everyone else around but were certainly not intentioned that way.

I knew what I was doing even if I didn’t know that I knew. The sex-dream probably happened because of the level of porn I was ingesting.

Porn had poisoned my mind to such a deep level, and truly, there was not one single dude my age at that time whom I didn’t fantasize over.

But once it was Calvin, it was Calvin.

Subtle shifts started occurring in our friendship. Jokes became more physical for both of us. So many little moments made me unsure if I should think more about them or not, but I surely did.

We were truly close in every meaning of the word, but soon our cuddling turned sour.

One night we were spooning, and he started doing . . . some things. Later that night, he thought I was asleep and tried moving my hand to his crotch. I could have stopped him there, but I chose not to.

After that night everything went downhill.

I now knew we were both thinking the same thing.

We stopped talking at our sleepovers. We gave plenty of massages that led to plenty of other things. We made lists of physical rules so that nothing bad would happen; we even had diagrams. But we just broke the rules anyway.

Keep in mind, Calvin and I were the ones everyone else looked up to. This was at sixteen to eighteen, and everyone only saw the good and positive potential for our lives.

We’d convinced ourselves of that same great potential, all the while showing up late to worship band practice because we’d been in the back of his car canoodling.

We shared a thriving YouTube channel, and we were planning to move to the city together and start our music careers. But we were also having sex, and we were miserable.

I was, for all intents and purposes, a jealous boyfriend. I hogged his attentions and affections like no other. I wouldn’t let anyone come closer to him than me.

But the harder I clung to my best friend, the more he pulled away. I was desperate, vindictive, controlling, and self-righteous. He started doing so many things without me like joining different friend groups I wasn’t part of.

We were drifting apart, and my heart knew it. We never had our heart-to-hearts anymore. It was sex or sleep.

It should also be noted that despite our sexual relationship, Calvin was very straight. I wasn’t allowed to do certain things with him, like put my head on his shoulder because it was “too gay.”

We shared sex and so much physical contact but with very little love, I now realize.

Eventually I learned he was planning to move north to join a band. That was the last blow. When I finally realized my future plans with him were truly dead. We shared a joint graduation party where I was jealous he had more friends there than me.

We ended the party with two concerts: one with just the two of us performing a medley of songs we had written individually or together, and another with Calvin and his new band. I sat in the front row watching my best friend replace my future with different faces.

While walking out I heard his father say to mine, “Well, looks like that’s the end of Chris and Calvin.”

His dad then noticed me there, and I saw that he’d regretted saying it in front of me. Calvin’s parents never seemed to liked me, but what can I say? I was sleeping with their firstborn.

That night Calvin and I had our last sleepover, and for the first time in years we just talked. We just lay there and talked. We cuddled in the morning for a long time, and I distinctly remember not getting a boner — which was a new feeling.

That night and subsequent morning felt like everything I’d wanted our friendship to be. Without discussing it with each other, we had both reverted to how we used to be, and that was precious to me.

Sex had stolen the brotherhood for which I’d always longed, but even just an echo of a memory of it returned that night.

Two Years Later

I flew up to my home state during a vacation, and I climbed a mountain with Calvin.

We talked all about the destruction our relationship had caused one another. He told me of how he had shut down with me, including spiritually, and how he’d latched onto girls who didn’t challenge him.

I told him how I’d latched onto new friends, new brothers, my first girlfriend (more on that later), and how much harder it was to get over my sexual frustrations because of our physical relationship.

Calvin was married now — they’d eloped — and as of this writing I’ll also be eloping in a month. COVID-19 cancelled my original wedding, but goodness I will marry this woman if it is the last thing I do!

I couldn’t make it to Calvin’s ceremony, but he asked me to be one of his groomsmen, and he’s one of mine. We might not be all that close anymore, but we changed each other too much to pretend it all meant nothing.

Truly, that boy is my brother, and wanting him to be more than that is what poisoned it all. He paved the way for the immense healing that would later come through other friends — along with my fiancée.

Brotherly Love

Looking back, it’s clear: of all the things I missed most, it wasn’t sex. It was the long mornings of brotherly affection.

You see, I now realize that my whole life I’ve been longing not for sex with another man but for that true brotherly love I described at the start.

My story is one of God’s ripping brotherly affection from the tangled clutches of sexual desire and purifying them both.

I have my true Jonathan now, and I also have my betrothed, the woman of my dreams I had once given up on. The oceans of this woman’s love and the honey kisses of my brother make my heart soar.

I always sought both of these things, but I never got them when I wanted them. I’ve been obsessed my whole life with gaining these two particular people, and that obsession kept those very things from me.

Jealousy rots blessing. God only trusted me with these gifts when He had finished clearing out every dusty corner of my mind where there was not trust in Him. So much needed to be ripped from me before I could hold these two precious things.

What all this has taught me is that God does not give you wrong desires. God does not give you wrong desires.

There is a reason, purpose, plan, and fulfillment for every desire in your heart. You are one who loves deeply and fully, in a way that many others will never understand, and chances are, like me, you clung to that desire, yet unfulfilled, until you choked the life out of it.

Release your grip, my brother. Allow God to begin healing you. It may come through the ripping away of those you think you can’t live without, but His blessings are waiting just beyond that canyon of trust.

I assure you, He is that trustworthy. I jumped into that canyon and found everything I’ve ever desired with blessings heaped upon that.

Will you take the jump?

How I Lost My Best Friend to Sex

I look forward to walking through this life with you, my brothers. I can’t wait to hear your own stories and thoughts. Ask me your questions, and I will share with you my truth.

Have you experienced a best friend relationship turning sexual? Did the friendship survive, despite the sex? What are some of the desires of your heart?

  • I too had a Jonathan (that quite literally was his first name, but he went by David). He was my best friend and I didn’t realize it at the time, but I loved him. He was the son of a Baptist minister. He took his own life when we were fourteen. I had a brief nine months with his in the 7th grade, but to a twelve year old it seemed an eternity. We never had sex, but in retrospect, all the hallmarks were there and if he had lived it would likely have happened. He died 36 years ago, and I should be over it, but I’m not. Going through puberty at the same time as his death was hard and confusing. I started having sex with men, not because I liked it, but because I was missing him. I still do.
    Love you David!!!

    • Bradley, what a tragic story……I can’t imagine what you went through, and obviously still do.
      Lord be with you and comfort you……..

    • Praying freedom and comfort over you brother. I haven’t experienced the death of anyone too close to me, but I have seen some of my now closest friends lose their best friends and it is an ugly wound prone to festering. From all my conversations with them, it is very clear that the missing never goes away, as it hasn’t with friend’s and brother I have fallen out with, which is a form of spiritual death. I’m sure I have no anecdotes or advice that you haven’t already heard in your 36 year journey, but all I can offer is my prayer that your mind will be released from the clutches of death, it is a razor edge and I believe the sharpest one at our enemy’s disposal. I see your struggle, I see your pain, and I am praying for a spark of freedom brother.
      Thanks for commenting.

  • Welcome, Christopher! Glad to have your voice among us.
    I can certainly relate with a lot in this story–the way the story of David and Jonathan tugs at my heart, the relational manipulations I’ve stooped to in order to try to manufacture the same thing in my life. Thank God for the way he’s grown us that we can regard those past things with full honesty for how dark it got, but also full freedom that we can still love ourselves (and like ourselves!) like God does.
    Congrats on your upcoming elopement!

  • Whew, what a first post! Got my socks blown off by the last part there, God does not give me wrong desires. How differently everything is framed with that mindset! How incredibly restorative that will be as we move our focus from what we think we desire and cannot/should not have, to what God is just waiting to give us as we walk towards Him faithfully.
    Thank you Chris for sharing so deeply! Also, thanks for not splitting this into 17 separate little parts! 🙂

    • Thanks Allen! That one sentence “God does not give you wrong desires” really is the song of my heart so I’m so glad to hear it impacted you in that way. It’s been a lifelong journey but that is the conclusion. To everything that I have abused in my life whether sex, alcohol, men, no matter if it is physically, emotionally or spiritually, there is always a corresponding CORE desire that is pure that has gone unfulfilled. My life is just a journey of getting to the root of those things, placing them at the feet of Jesus and saying “Here you go Abba, I want this, but it is yours.” He has always been faithful to give me something far better, and truly I couldn’t handle the blessings I currently have, which is what I’ve asked for for my whole life, if he hadn’t gotten me to that place of submission by RIPPING from me all those things I thought I wanted.
      It’s a purification of motives.

  • Beautiful story! Thanks for keeping it real!
    It’s posts like this that made me follow YOB in the first place. Over the years, I’ve read countless blogs and articles related to our topic, all of them painfully “perfect” and packed with tiresome platitudes, which I find mostly useless. The cerebral seldom moves me, I care about the heart of a thing. Today you struck the heart!
    I never had a friendship turn sexual like you described (although I spent my teen years wishing I did) but what you described about how sex stole the brotherhood you longed for is something I think happens not only in situations like the secret bromance you had with Calvin, but also happens in nearly all the openly gay relationships I’ve observed, and certainly in every relationship I’ve had.
    There was one relationship that best describes this observation. Ironically, his name is Jonathan and my name is David. Jonathan and I met with the intention of finding a boyfriend but we quickly become close friends. I’d say we were like brothers but that just sounds creepy and incestuous. Needless to say, we were compatible on a deep level.
    One might assume sex would amplify our closeness, and it seemed to at first but despite our emotional connection, sex never reached the depths my heart (and probably his) desired. Everything was right about the two of us, but no matter how hard we tried to make our physical connection match our emotions, it never could. Attempting to merge the physical and emotional left us frustrated and discontent.
    This frustration perfectly describes my gay relationships and the ones I’ve observed. I can love a man with my heart, mind, and emotions but when I try to love him with my body it falls short every time. It’s like an electrical current reaching out to find something to ground itself to but only finds another electrical current of the same charge, thus the two repel each other. To me, this is the greatest proof that same-sex relationship don’t work in nature or on a deep biochemical level. In my opinion, this is also proof to why opposite-sex relationships work, the “electrical currents” are compatible.
    So, what you described with Calvin is exactly how I would describe what it’s like being openly gay.
    Congratulations on the upcoming marriage. I pray the night you join “electrical currents” with her is like FIRE!

    • My word, Xiao. This resonates just as deeply as Christopher’s post. Thank you for your part of this conversation. “One might assume sex would amplify our closeness, and it seemed to at first but despite our emotional connection, sex never reached the depths my heart (and probably his) desired.” <- perfect description of what I've personally felt.
      Best to you!

    • YES! So good brother. I want you to know that comment was very profound to me, I shared it with my Jonathan (Alexander… Ironically not the one that replied to your comment, hah!), and my girl and it really helped solidify things even more! You articulated exactly how we feel. There are many times Alex and I feel the longing to give each other sex simply because we love each other so much and there seems to be no way to show that to its fullest, yet I am full, completely, in those precious moments where we just lie together wrapped up in each other’s embrace. I find that every breath is a sign of relief when I’m with him.
      When I am with my girl, I feel entirely different. It truly does feel like that electrical current. Alex may be the closest person to me, but she is a part of me. He knows my identity better than anyone, but she is the only human who holds some of my identity in her hands and in her veins. She is a part of the fabric of my soul, and you know what? Because of the depth and foundational confidence of that bond, sometimes it appears a bit less “romantic” than my relationship with Alex, there is less longing and more contentment, but both make me think of heaven and the profound oneness we will feel there. Marriage is but a picture, and we know there will be no marriage in heaven. Alexander truly is the first man that I have longed to be “one” with in a place other than earth. I long to be with him in that precious unity, and until then I know that our love, like you said, would only fall short if we tried to become one physically. So we will be content with the passionate, fierce brotherhood that is both riddled with contentment, and god approved (we asked).
      I’ll get into this all more in future posts, but all I know is after making out with my girl in my car, I tried to think of Alex in that same scenario, and it felt like abuse. It felt like death. It felt like that unmatched current, and it is cruel to give someone a love that cannot be fulfilled.
      It is good to hear someone so well articulate what I’ve been feeling.
      Thanks brother!!!
      https://media3.giphy.com/media/jqBNN25ktp02kT41N1/giphy.gif

    • “This frustration perfectly describes my gay relationships and the ones I’ve observed. I can love a man with my heart, mind, and emotions but when I try to love him with my body it falls short every time. It’s like an electrical current reaching out to find something to ground itself to but only finds another electrical current of the same charge, thus the two repel each other. To me, this is the greatest proof that same-sex relationship don’t work in nature or on a deep biochemical level. In my opinion, this is also proof to why opposite-sex relationships work, the “electrical currents” are compatible.
      So, what you described with Calvin is exactly how I would describe what it’s like being openly gay.”
      Okay, so I have a question here. What about the countless stories of gay men and women who go into marriages and find out that they are not fulfilled and the marriage to the opposite-sex doesn’t ignite that “electrical currents”? Many have left opposite-sex marriages and report being more fulfilled by their relationships with the same-sex.
      You may or may not be intending this, but it sounds like you are insinuating that any person who is same-sex attracted somehow will be fulfilled in an opposite-sex relationship/marriage and that electrical current will ignite, when that simply isn’t the case for the overwhelming majority of gay people.

      • I’m certainly not insinuating anyone SSA will be fulfilled in an OSA relationship/marriage. I spent years hearing that from Side X. I’m a lifelong celibate guy and proud of it.
        OSA relationships/marriage are difficult on so many levels, I’m sure. Marriage is more than a sexual “electrical current”.
        I was just describing how the attempt to solidify same-sex relationships through the physical act of sex is futile, because, whether due to some biochemical incompatibility or yet unidentified natural processes, the two ultimately repel each other.
        At the same time, opposite gender sex has all the “right” compatibilities, hormonal and other.
        I was vegan for a while. Low testosterone is a problem for vegan men. I was concerned about this so I asked a doctor. I wanted to know how I could boost my testosterone naturally. He taught me some interesting things about testosterone production.
        He said having sex increases testosterone production, but the interesting thing is masturbation doesn’t have the same effect. There’s something about having sex that causes a man’s body to produce testosterone, as if the biochemical interaction between a man and a woman draws out the right processes to produce testosterone.
        So, I could Masturbate until I’m blue in the face but my testosterone levels will stay the same. This is unfortunate because I’d love a medical excuse to do it. Ha. This type of reactionary natural hormone release also happens in nursing mothers. The biochemical processes in humans are very complex and often times need the “right” external biochemical catalyst. No substitute will have the same effect.
        This is all I meant about the “electrical current”. There’s a natural hormone process taking place with the physical act of sex. I’m suggesting same-gender sex fails to produce that process.
        Opposite gender-sex does produce the processes, but that says nothing about marriage which often times is a s###-show because of relational problems.
        Keep in mind, this is just a theory based on bits and pieces of scientific data I’ve gathered and my own personal experiences. I could totally be wrong but I think there is sufficient scientific evidence to support this theory.
        I say we should all seek celibacy and only approach marriage like one would approach climbing Kilimanjaro, to face and overcome challenges and reach its summit. It’s likely the summit of marriage is that moment death do them part. The summit of celibacy is likely the same moment, the day the Lord takes me home.
        I don’t want to imply marriage is something it is not, nor glorify celibacy more than it ought to be.

        • Yeah, this is most probably something that is specific to your personal experience, because there are countless gay people who have tried opposite-sex marriage and lived in marriages for years only to discover that it simply does not work and it does not fulfill them, nor can they connect to their spouse in a way that a heterosexual marriage would work (sexually, emotionally, spiritually, etc.). These people report being much happier, intimate and fulfilled once they pursued same-sex relationships (whether non-sexual or not); so the idea that “same-sex relationships don’t work naturally” is something I simply don’t agree with. Simply put, I firmly believe in the fact sex, at its root and its core, is mainly for procreation, and has nothing to do with some kind of more intimate or deeper kind of connection/love than any nonsexual relationship. If sex was the deepest and most intimate expression of love, then one would assume why Jesus never expressed love that way.
          Also (and this isn’t directed specifically at you), I wish marriage would quit being touted as the most loving, intimate and paramount of all human relationships and anything else is simply lesser.

          • Hey my brother! If I could just chime in here. Truly only a year or two ago I would have made the same comment so know I truly hear your heart and know how you’re feeling. My girl is the first and only one I have ever felt this way about. It was only ever men, that’s exactly how I felt my whole life.
            Perhaps instead of “more intimate” a better way of saying it would just be “different.” I would never say I love her more than my best friend, or my own mother, or anyone. It is truly not about loving more, it is just, from my personal experience, very different. That word does not mean better, more correct, more beautiful, paramount, or required… just different. What I have with my betrothed, I believe cannot be had outside of marriage. I believe there is a trinity of a physical, emotional, and spiritual unity and tying that can only truly happen in the context of marriage. That is my personal belief and experience. And that is something that is truly terrifying and is not something we should all strive for. I don’t think anyone who doesn’t get married is “missing out,” on fulfillment, truly they are saving themselves worlds of difficulty. It means I am not my own anymore. I am joined to another person that has a piece of my actual identity, and that is a terrible power. I believe God is big enough to fulfill us all n the EXACT way we need it. For some that is marriage, for others it is not. And ultimately, that fulfillment comes first and foremost from him and bleeds Christ’s love over the rest of those relationships.
            My best friend is a man who is closer to me than any other human. He knows more about me and can hurt me and bless me unlike anyone else, and I love him fiercely. Currently battling through the barrage of people assuming that me and him are having a gay affair because our relationship really does look so much like an openly gay relationship… but he is not me. She is. In some whacko way, she is. I can’t even really explain why cuz the words would fall short. This doesn’t mean I view him as “less than” quite the contrary. In many ways because I am not tied to him in the duty bound way I am to her, the love can often be sweeter because it is not “required” or expected. He brings me healing that she never could, and likewise she brings me different healing, different love, and different intimacy that he could never bring me. I truly would have been content just having him in my life, but God led me to my fiance. He has been very clear every step of the way, and now the independence that I had, is gone. But he is in no way lesser to me. He is truly fulfilling so many desires that I have struggled with all my life, yet also in a way that I believe God still smiles down on. I truly cannot wait to get into that more in future blogs.
            I hope this all makes sense. I hope you know my goal on here, ANY time I bring up my girl, is NOT to rub it in anyone’s face or make myself out to be some “redeemed” soul who is now “correct.” This is simply the truth of my story. This is how it has been.
            Also in regards to Jesus. I believe Jesus is the fulfillment of our deepest desires and intimacy. He knows the me more intimately than anyone, fiance included, ever will. So I can imagine being around him in a physical sense you would feel that depth of being known. His entire being truly is that intimacy just by saying a word. But again ultimately we won’t truly understand it all until heaven. In heaven there won’t be marriage. We will all be one in a way we can’t yet understand. That is the oneness I long for with my best friend, but I have felt glimpses of it. And I have felt more glimpses of it with my fiance. We are all striving for that same intimacy, married folks, celibate folks, gay, straight. We’re all just looking for Jesus and he gives us all little pictures of himself. for some that picture is marriage, for others it isn’t. And that’s ok.
            Thanks for your comment!

          • Well, like you said, that is your personal experience. As someone who has never had any type of physical, emotional, mental, or sexual attraction to women in any capacity whatsoever (and frankly doesn’t desire it); it’s probably best for me to refrain from explaining and articulating any further thoughts because (due to the fact that you are married), you clearly have an attraction to women. I’m speaking from a place of someone who can never envision myself in an intimate relationship with a woman; the thought of that is absolutely alien to me and that is something that almost makes me uncomfortable. Therefore, there’s probably only so much that you can relate to to begin with. I understand most of what you wrote, but I still disagree with some aspects of he whole marriage/intimacy/unity and it’s not something that I don’t see myself ever changing my mind on.
            The fact of the matter is that the overwhelming majority of gay people do not have the level of attraction to the opposite sex that you obviously attain and simply can not love someone of the opposite sex the way you’re able to. To be frank, the only reason I’m not getting married to a man is simply because I don’t want to go to hell. If it didn’t send me to hell, I would most likely do it, and I have no reason to believe that it “wouldn’t work” simply based on the personal experience of a couple people who have had dissimilar experiences. That’s probably also contributes to why I have such a hatred and disdain for romance/intimacy – it’s something that I can never have if I don’t want to burn forever.
            Lastly, all I have are two younger sisters; I’ve grown up with them, my grandma and my mom and have always felt more comfortable around women. Truth be told, unless I am interested in a man romantically/aesthetically/physically,etc., I really don’t associate with them. I don’t know what it’s like to have brothers or grow up with other guys and I’m honestly comfortable with that. The only man I really need is my hypothetical partner (who, I can’t have, but a guy can dream); outside of a romantic-type relationship, I don’t care to be around men and prefer to keep it that way. I refuse to be in a friendship/relationship with a guy who is married/straight because no matter how you slice it, their wife/girlfriend is always going to more important than me, so I’m very much at a point that I do not want anything to do with a man unless he’s unmarried/non-straight and wants to make me his #1 in his life. If it’s wrong for me to feel that way, then oh well. I’m not going to apologize for wanting what the majority/straight people can and are able to have without fear of ending up in hell.

          • Brother, I relate with you. Ooooh how much I relate with you. What you’re describing is truly what the longing in my heart has been my entire life. That is actually the core of this blog post. I always wanted to be #1 in Calvin’s life. I was entirely jealous and tried to force him to love me in the way I loved him. Yes he was straight, but he was all I had. There was no one else to fulfill that intimacy. So I know it seems unrealistic, but truly brother, I did not want a woman. There wasn’t some “secret straightness” that I have been keeping until now. The marriage is a blessing I never saw coming, not something I asked for. Out of all the people, men or woman, it is her, and that truly baffled my gay lil heart. And again, all those words you said, every single one, I would have typed only a couple years ago. I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to actually put it into words, but I resonate with everything that you said deeply. Thank you for being honest with all of this brother, that truly is the most important part.
            This is a whole blog in and of itself, but truly all I can say is in my personal experience, it is completely possible to have an entirely fulfilling romantic relationship with a man and still be within God’s favor. It’s true, the only reason I didn’t pursue those relationships was also because I didn’t want to go to hell, I’ve since realized that God is not sitting up there shaking his head at the part of me that desires this love of a man. I always thought he was. So all i can say is my belief brother, God does not give you wrong desires. What you want, is not something that he hates, his heart is breaking with you for the pain that you are feeling. That is what I meant by “loosen your grip brother.” I held so tightly to my desire for that man to make me his #1 that I choked every man that came close. I scared them all away because I was asking too much of them. I can’t tell you what you’re wanting because only you know that, but I know for me it took me releasing ever single desire to God, and not in a super “Christian” way. I’m talking screaming at God saying “Well you F****** gave me this God so either do something with it or take it cuz I can’t take it anymore!” I was anything but reverent. I was only mad that he had put this desire in me. He ripped other relationships from me and in that time alone is when HE became my number one. And he proved to me that I was HIS number one. That HE was more intentional, intimate, precious, loving than any other person I knew. He’s not waiting to send you to hell because of rules he’s set for you. He feels exactly how you feel. Keep being honest like you were here, and be honest with Him too, he can take it. I really am so thankful that you are at a place of being able to speak these feelings, brother know that that is a place not many find themselves at. And I believe this road is a road that will lead you to find exactly what you’ve always wanted, even if it may not look like what you think.
            I know this all seems very heady, there’s no way I can prove to you that I understand you, we don’t know each other, and yet in all your words I really feel like I do know you. Like it says in my bio, “I will tell you no tall tales.” I won’t lie on here, so when I say you said exactly what I would have, I mean it. I know you may not believe that, which is fine, but I hope that it may make you feel a bit less alone. Truly I am no “better” or more “fixed” than you, just at a different chapter in the book called life, and the chapter you are in looks eerily like my chapter 17. I am truly praying peace over you brother, and I’m praying you will find ultimate fulfillment, whatever that does mean for you brother.

          • “He ripped other relationships from me and in that time alone is when HE became my number one. And he proved to me that I was HIS number one. That HE was more intentional, intimate, precious, loving than any other person I knew. He’s not waiting to send you to hell because of rules he’s set for you. He feels exactly how you feel.”
            You know, this would be all fine and dandy, but I simply don’t believe God can make a single person his number one. Billions upon billions of people that God has relationships with and you mean to tell me that he can make me his number one? Sorry, I just don’t believe that’s possible.
            God loves everyone; there’s nothing special, unique or exclusive about his love for me, so when people make the point that “Well, God loves you more than anyone”, it really has no effect on me anymore because, at the end of the day God feels that way about everyone. He loves everyone. I mean, He’s supposed to after all, right? At least with an earthly person, they are able to hold me, touch me, hug me, wipe my tears away, talk to me (audibly) and actually physically be here with me and make me his number one in a way that Jesus/God can’t. Jesus can’t be physically affectionate with me in a way that an earthly guy can. Jesus cannot give me that. So, I actually do feel I would be more loved by an earthly guy in that way. Now, I don’t know if it’s blasphemous to actually feel and/or think that, but that’s simply how I look at it. The uniqueness and exclusivity is what makes it special, and to be honest, God can’t give me that.

          • Fair enough, Tyler. I think we are traveling on different wave lengths and missing each other along the way. I’m ONLY talking about the physical act of sex and the natural hormones our body releases. You’re talking about whole picture of relationship which includes, but is not limited to, the act of sex.
            People have tried to force the supremacy of marriage down my throat for years. I simply don’t believe it’s any better than celibacy.
            I think God designed sex to be more than procreation for humans. We make love when the animal kingdom just humps at certain times of the year. If sex for humans is just for procreation then we’d have humping seasons. The male would go into rut as the females release their Pheromones. That’s not the case for humans. Sex is much much more. This is a mute point since I won’t be experiencing sex and love making anytime soon and that’s fine by me.
            Anyway, God bless you brother. I honor your singleness!

          • Sexual circuitry seems to be one of 3 that have been physically “identified”. There’s also romantic and long-term emotional circuitry. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Fisher_(anthropologist)
            And I must admit, this pretty neatly coincides with my experience in relationships with other humans.
            I feel lust exclusively toward men, and I try to get that under control, since most religions including Christianity are clear on lust. And it does feel like a less “serious” emotion than the other two types of attraction. Feels like playing around more than really doing the hard work of loving. In fact being treated in a non-serious manner by others (did not even have to be sexual) has often left me feeling hurt – when people make tasteless jokes for example.
            I also feel romantic attraction exclusively toward men. I am still struggling with this one, but I am beginning to think it is not an issue at all as long as emotional dependence and abandonment are something both sides can properly work through. I don’t feel this is a sexual issue. I kind of feel this is a general issue in relationships.
            Long-term emotional attachment? I feel it for quite a few people. I try to be a loyal friend, brother, cousin, coworker, son, grandson, uncle etc. And in this way I am attached to male and female, young and old, blood-related and not related. It is what makes it easy for me to open up to these people and talk to them.
            So yeah, I don’t know if these three resonate with you guys. I just must admit I am struggling with human relationships in general, trying to figure out what is right, what is not. I kind of have the feeling that one is not supposed to trigger emotional suffering in others. And it can sometimes be so hard for me to avoid… I have this urge to be intimate with others, not necessarily even physically – just being vulnerable in front of someone willing to listen. It feels like I have to gain control over this since I have noticed that people can get “hooked” in a sense, only by me sharing some painful things from my past. And then if for whatever reason I am unable to be intimate in the same way again, the other person feels rejected and is hurt. Sex might only be one way in which intimacy and later withdrawal of it may result in suffering.

  • Christopher,
    I’m so grateful to see you’ve become a voice in this community. This is so beautifully written. It captures the essence of what God can do better than a Polaroid ever could. At the core, we desire brotherly affection- that one person who truly KNOWS us. But unless we realize that God KNOWS us first and foremost, the enemy will manipulate the desire for brotherly companionship into exactly what you’ve described. I know this plight ALL TOO WELL. I had a best friend that progressed to far more, but at the center, I was more than content simply holding him and being held.
    Being understood. Being known. Being loved.
    While he remains a true and trusted friend to this very day, giving in to sin cost me that which I desired most- my Jonathan. But I’m trusting God that through brokeness, submission to Him, and a humble heart, I will one day find a brother who truly knows me and shares a mutual love that is pure, righteous and unconditional.
    With support,
    Alexandar

    • Yes brother! And I simply must say, because it is a part of that journey, seeing Jesus first as that brother I think really is what helped me to find that change. With my best friend there are so many moments that feel like little “fantasies” I had about just leaning on Jesus or resting with him. Not that my friend has replaced Jesus, but that because I began to recognize Jesus as the ultimate fulfilment of those desires, now I was free to receive the “Jesus” that was in my friend’s arms. It feels like Jesus just showing me his love, but it came after a time of intense loneliness.
      Know that he has heard your prayer, and he aaaaalways answers.

  • Welcome, Christopher!
    I love this. I can relate to having to learn a lot of these lessons the hard way, and finding that making these mistakes in a friendship in some way showed you what you really always wanted it to be- though perhaps quite a bit later in life than you’d like.
    Very much looking forward to hearing more about your journey, and hearing how you got to where you are now with you soon to be wife! Great first post!

  • What a whopper of a first post Christopher, fantastic! Its definitely interesting that things became sexual between you and a straight guy. I’ve blogged about my one straight friend. My problem wasn’t that it was sexual but that he wasn’t physically affectionate at all, not even with hugs. So the exact opposite problem I guess haha! However I did have unhealthy levels of overdependence on him as well so I can relate to that area of your story. Really looking forward to more of your story soon!

  • What a great post Christopher! Your story reminds me of a chrysalis, when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. You’ve seemed to emerge from your past so much more and better. It’s super hopeful and encouraging, so much of our lives today come from our past, a lotta times it can be real hard shedding the past.
    Two questions: if you’re eloping, are you guys still called fiances? And, what’s she like?
    God bless your marriage with “a whole lot of Jesus” like you said.

    • Hah! funny you should mention butterflies. Those precious creatures are at the center of me and my Jonathan’s relationship. We send each other butterfly emoji’s on the daily, and my favorite video is one from the trip we took together where we became best friends where a butterfly is circling around him and he’s just laughing.
      That metamorphoses truly is how I feel right now brother. Completely free to be myself and that has been a looooong time coming.
      More on the fiance later 😉 but she is nothing but pure sunshine and light. Her eyes sparkle like the ocean and here soul chases out darkness where ever she goes. The darkness hates her for it.
      But yes! Still my fiance because our elopement is still a wedding, just a smaller ceremony on the edge of a red cliff.
      Thanks for the blessing brother! Whooooole lotta Jesus!

      • Hey Christopher, I don’t know you at all and I’m just really happy for you guys. And this, “…her soul chases out darkness where ever she goes” that’s awesome, what grace.

  • this was beautifully written! very open and raw, but in the best way possible. I think a lot of people can resonate with the feelings this story brought up whether or not they ever got involved with someone sexually. it can speak to many layers of things. I think we are allowed to continue to be fond of the good parts of relationships that were unhealthy

    • Aaaabsolutely! I believe that typically if we boil our desires down to their core you will always find something pure and child-like, and in that way it is so important to recognize the good so that our minds remember what we are really after. I felt guilt about so many of the “good things” for years because of all the bad.

  • Welcome Christopher to the blogger panel. Your inaugural post although a bit jaw-dropping, was refreshingly candid. I also have a straight friend that I got emotionally involved with a few years ago. As much as I yearned for a deeper relationship with him, God kept reminding me that I am still married and I have vows that I have committed to. This kept me in check together with the very real risk of being punched and rebuffed if any form of overt PDA I demonstrated was construed by him as “gay”. (He did not know about my SSA) I really identified with your statement, My longing has been for the genuine, reciprocated love of a man. A man to hold and be held by, a man to weep with, laugh with, live with. A covenant companion. . Although my relationship with this friend never ventured beyond “good friend” territory, I definitely felt something for him. I remember feeling jealous when we would hang out and after a few beers, he would sometimes start getting “social” with other ladies (he is single) at the venue we were at or getting very disappointed if he cancelled a meetup at short notice for some reason or other. I became keenly aware of this deep need you speak of as a result of this relationship. It is also a strong desire that I realize that after almost two decades of marriage, I have not succeeded in repressing and I now know that my wife will never satisfy. This “hunger” has also made me very vulnerable to temptation not so much to act out (sin) sexually but to one sided emotional entanglements with other men. God has been graceful, however, as He is the one I have run to many a time with my (almost painful sometimes) loneliness and unhappiness on account of this need to be loved by someone I am primarily oriented to be physically and emotionally attracted to. Living in a country where homosexuality is illegal means that I have had hardly any opportunities to meet and interact with other like minded gay men. Additionally on the surface of it, my life is also very hetero-normative in almost every way.
    Anyhoo, all the best with your upcoming nuptials. I am sure I don’t need to tell you, however, that Jesus will ultimately be the key ingredient to its success…

    • Thanks for sharing brother. You hit the nail on the head. Walking into marriage, me and my betrothed both realize so keenly that we are, and never will be, each other’s “everything.” I recognize that I will need my time with my best friend, with my other close friends, and other people in order to survive. Thankfully we are on the same page with all that. She has her girl friends that I could never relate to on the level that she does. I think we have a profound incorrect view of marriage as the “end all be all,” relationship. That spot should be reserved for Jesus alone, and yes marriage is more intimate, more foundational and so many other mores than any other relationships, but I believe true emotional health comes from having a well rounded circle of people around you. I am praying the lord will grow contentment in your heart and that once that contentment grows strong he will bless you with a friend or friends like that.
      And my next post is on emotional attachment and how much longer lasting it was than the sexual sin so stay tuned my brother!

      • Hard disagree on the idea that marriage is necessarily “the most intimate and so many ‘mores’ of all relationships”. I simply don’t believe it; and I’m also sick of that narrative being thrown around, as well. That idea insinuates that a person who never gets married and/or doesn’t want to be married to the opposite sex (for the majority of us SSA folks) somehow will never be intimately or fully loved outside of a marriage or a relationship with the opposite-sex. It makes it seem as though marriage is the most loving and intimate of all relationships and everything else is lesser. Marriage is put on way too high of a pedestal and idolized way too much. Whether or not you intend on coming across that way, it comes across that way no matter how you slice it. I simply refuse to believe that, as a gay guy, having a marriage relationship with a woman is somehow more intimate and loving than a nonsexual relationship with someone of the same-sex. It just isn’t so, unless that’s what someone feels, personally.
        Based on your story, your experience doesn’t read as someone who is strictly “gay”. For example, I have absolutely no desire for women. I don’t desire an intimate relationship with one, and I don’t feel any romantic or emotional connection to women and claiming that opposite-sex marriage relationships are somehow more intimate than every other relationship (due to the aspect of sex, I suppose?), doesn’t ring true for me.
        Jesus never had sex and was never married. Does that mean that his relationship with the disciples was less intimate of a relationship than a marriage between a man and a woman? Just something to think about.
        This whole “marriage is the most important and most intimate relationship of ALL” gets extremely isolating, alienating and comes across as condescending to those who don’t desire a relationship with the opposite sex.

  • Amazing story!
    It was if you were stating let go and let God work it all out.
    Fear is the biggest tool to keep us in bondage. Only the Lord knows how to break that chain……we need to be real.
    Lord bless you……

    • Thank you! It’s true, fear is such a loud voice but its just a shadow, and shadows can’t exist in the light.

  • Friendship, enmity, and reconciliation; life, death, and rebirth. Sometimes I wonder what my relationships with my earthly friends will be like on the other side. I thank God that he granted you a glimpse of that restoration.

    • Yes! I imagine we will all be one in a glorious way that our minds can’t even dream of yet. I truly long with that time, but in the mean time…. life, death, rebirth.

  • “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.” Ezekiel 36:26-27
    You got it brother. It’s that old war. And I am not standing here at a place of final victory, I know that, but I can say with certainty that in this exact moment, I do not want any of the things I used to want. All those desires truly have left me. Yes sometimes the thoughts pass through my head but it is now like watching a car pass by and not following it. He will continue that process in you my brother. I see that in you. He will continue to make you new until the old you looks unrecognizable. Truly I look at pictures from just two months ago and I see a scared little boy who doesn’t know who he is. All I can say is remember your true desire, then place that desire before him brother. That is what I have had to do constantly. He hears, and he KNOWS.

  • Great post Christopher!
    I have never had a friendship turn sexual, but I have watched other friends experience the same destruction as you did with Calvin. That scenario never ends well.
    God has blessed me with several close male friendships that have lasted 10, 20, 30, even 40 years. We have gone through the highs and lows of life, cried together and rejoiced together. I have been best man in 6 weddings but never got married myself.
    I love my memories of a friend opening my front door, dramatically throwing down his backpack and tightly hugging me for 10 minutes as we talked in real depth. Even more I love remembering how another friend took me into his home and made me part of his family when I felt old and useless and needed hope for the future.
    God shows us so much love through true friends. Keep telling us your stories of friendship!

  • Wow Christopher! Excellent-you touched me! I’m sorry for the long comment I’m about to write, but your words grabbed me and took me back.
    I also had a Calvin. We were not even close in age-he was 18 and I was 21. The son of my Pastor he was much more mature for his age. We hit it off and had those long talks-hours and hours-every subject. We didn’t talk a lot about sex because we were the “good Christian-guys” in our circle, and of course, sex was just about marriage and we wanted to honor God in every way. Our hearts knit together just like David and Jonathan I believe, we truly loved each other, each other’s company, we were very good friends and would die for one another.
    Yes, he was very handsome and winsome and built. I would do the same as you, try to get him naked, skinny dipping, then we began wrestling each other. I didn’t know I had SSA. There were no words for that in my mind, but I knew I had been bent all my life-I was highly attracted to the male physique and parts. I thought I was just a curious young man.
    So, we would wrestle and I always had an erection, he did too at times. I made sure he did by the time we finished wrestling, he didn’t remove my hand so it gave me bad ideas. I wanted to express totally my love for him physically and give him pleasure. So, the unthinkable happened one afternoon in our apartment. No penetration-a bridge too far for two upstanding Christian men-but mutual masturbation? Sure, we were going to do it alone so why not have a friend just help out? What could be the harm? These approximately 30 times I found caused huge damage in my mind because both of us absolutely loved our expression of love for one another.
    We fell deeper in love, I thought, but it was a false love, an owning, a possession of another man that was elicit. It was an affirmation of my manhood and now realize I just was trying to fill my father wound with another man. I went home for Christmas break and God told me to stop or sex would escalate and I would be trapped. He said he would give me a wife and family if I stopped. I went back and told my friend “no more”. He got very angry because I was the true initiator and he loved it so much.
    But, we recovered as best friends, and God led me to my wife. We both stood at each others weddings-he is truly straight-I am truly SSA. My wedding night was fraught with great fear-could I sexually perform? Ahh,yes! I could do it and I loved it. God-sanctioned sex for the first time in my life-and it was glorious!
    Fast forward 39 years-I am still madly in love with my wife and I have had the best sex life ever with her-and still do-we rarely skip a day of great sex even today. I have never had to bring a man to bed with us for me to be able to perform, God did as He promised and He actually created a very large space of attraction for one woman in this world. You see, I am not bisexual-I am truly SSA.
    My friend? We are still best friends and when he calls we talk for hours, our hearts are still knitted together, we love each other deeply just like David and Jonathan. I know if I had an issue he would be on the next plane out and he would love on me-the right way-with deep affection. He has truly forgiven me for leading us to the wrong place in our relationship. Isn’t that what good friends are for-support and forgiveness?
    Christopher, I want to encourage you in your marriage. It is glorious and the absolute hardest thing you will ever do in your life. But, if I can do it with my SSA, you can too. Work hard at it and lead your bride. I can’t believe sometimes how utterly in love I am with my bride. And 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren are just the icing on the cake!
    Thanks so much for your blog-it touched me deeply!

  • Christopher

    I'm a Jesus lovin' hippie in my twenties. Newly married to an Elven princess. My story is of how God continually breaks me down to the quivering nerves of my own vulnerability, then lovingly builds me back up, makes me a man, teaches me to run, and makes me run wild. I will tell you no tall tales, but oh the tales I have to tell!

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