We continue our Enneagram ConvoCast series with another beloved member of our community, Wes! Wes shares with Tom his motivations, fears, stress, and security as a Type Two (the Giver or Helper). As a member of our YOB community, how does his Two-ness manifest in the realms of sexuality, masculinity, and relating with other men?
Since so much of the Two’s identity is tied to other people, we dive into this realm of “relating with other men” more than any other episode of this series. In particular, how does a Two respond to that precious loss in male friendship? How does a Two feel a sense of belonging with a community? How important is coming out for a Two? Wes also shares about the Two’s relating with God: does a Two feel beautiful in God’s eyes or merely tolerable to His purposes? How does the Two experience pride and manipulation in times of stress, and how does the Two experience self-care that isn’t selfish during times of growth?
Listen to our full Enneagram conversation, and be sure to follow us these next few weeks as we dial around the Enneagram and talk to each type in our community!
LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE
- Truity’s Enneagram test
- Truity’s Type 2 Enneagram overview
- Enneagram Gift’s Type 2 in stress and growth
COMMENT ON THIS EPISODE
Are you an Enneagram Two? How have you grown as a Two in relation to your sexuality and masculinity?
About the Author
Wow wow wow Wes brought it hard on the Twos! I so love hearing how much this community has impacted him and how special it is to be able to share this kind of stuff in relation to the God-given personality of the Helper.
As I think about people in my life—specifically men who are Helpers—only one or two people stand out, which is interesting given the statistic you guys quoted about how this type skews female. However, I know for certain that these unique guys do go absolutely nuts when I shower them with encouraging words. It helps for a strong man to notice strengths in other men and share them on purpose. It has to be of the Holy Spirit, at least in my observation, because I’ve rarely seen a guy light up more than when a Two is acknowledged, strongly encouraged and told about the things that make him great and worthy of love. I kid you not, their desire for touch in that moment is off the charts and it’s amazing! (And I don’t hold back, since how could you deprive someone of a legendary-status Mike-ified hug? Lol)
But yes, about the loss of friendship being a common theme in Yobbers, and especially painful in the Two personality, I know my soul takes less of a hit here being wired differently. I had a great opportunity to build up a man’s faith when he was going through a dramatic breakup with his girlfriend. (Actually, he was being more dramatic than anyone!) But it was a great opportunity to show up by his side and listen and see if any counsel could be produced. The dude literally poured his heart out to me every day whether over the phone or in person or by text. And I unleashed some awesome thoughts to help guide his situation, even though I wasn’t playing the therapist.
(Side note: Do Type 2s use their Helper nature to sometimes act like therapists or other professional helpers?)
Anyways, I’d known this guy for years at our church. He was popular and therefore easy for me to want to get close to and learn about. There came a moment where he began to reciprocate care for me in return, and it was in the form of female romantic counsel. Of which he had vastly more experience (of course!). He was puzzled as to why I didn’t date the girls at church when they came around interested or flat-out flirty. Initially I told him they weren’t my type and that I’m ultra-picky because I have a clear notion of what I’m looking for in a relationship. Time after time he kept pushing the issue. And it’s not a big deal because I’m used to friends who simply cannot exist unless they have a girlfriend. There’s a term for that. But yeah, there came a night when we were hanging out in some dark deserted city park and he’s like, “What about so-and-so? You can’t be 32 years old and single, man.” And in that moment I took a calculated risk. I shared with him that it has to be a supernatural thing for me to want a girlfriend. Because were it not for Jesus, there’s almost no chance I would be straight.
Silence. Followed by a little more explanation of what I’ve had to go through since childhood because of this. Followed by absolute confidence that I chose correctly and honorably to do one of the hardest things imaginable.
We left within minutes and parted ways in the darkness. And the next morning I got a text basically saying, “Hey this is not easy to say but that really f****d me up when you revealed how you are with girls, Mike. Don’t take it personally, but I really don’t know how to be around you anymore. I just would’ve never guessed. I’m sorry.”
If I were a Two, I could imagine how that would’ve dismantled my world and left a majorly sensitive scar to this day. And it did wow me as I re-read it over and over. But then the shock to my system and the pain of a relational void and of moral rejection wore off. I guess I’m lucky that I can essentially throw up two middle fingers to that situation, because I’ve got other things to worry about and other people to love and invest in. And I just move on, lesson learned that some risks backfire on me.
What’s astounding now is that I had a chance encounter with this guy a few years later. My strategy post-text was to continue to cover him in prayer (he broke up with that chick and quickly married another, as I found out) but I did so in the earnest belief that the friendship was always one-sided but redeemable. It completely paid off when I went to his dad’s sudden funeral service to honor that life and to see if I could get close enough to my friend to hug him and let him know that he still matters. And that losing such a close family figure at a young age sucks. And you know what? Trip out. It happened exactly like I knew it would years ago when I said no to anger and yes to prayer. We hugged it out, tight. He smiled in an extremely genuine way, and said, “Thanks for being here. It’s good to see you.” That’s a hug I’ll always remember. Bet. So maybe there is a Two in me somewhere. ☺️
Thanks for a killer podcast and podcast series, Tom and Wes. 💪
Wes was awesome in this episode. His first one, no less. Thanks for sharing this story, Mike! I’d like to think there’s a Two deep down in me somewhere, too. And not just the Four-in-stress side of me haha.
Oh that’s right, the Two is the Four in stress? Yeah you guys slayed this one. But literally so has everyone so far. Light it up!!