I wasn’t sure I’d make it to this fall’s YOBBERS Retreat. In March, I got prostate cancer. I thought about letting God do His thing to heal me, but after much thought and prayer I decided on radiation. I had five treatments a week for nine weeks, and I lost fifteen pounds. I looked emaciated and just wanted to sleep whenever I got home each time. Those nine weeks didn’t end fast enough for me.
As a gift for completing my treatments, my sister bought me a plane ticket to visit my best friend of 32 years and my brother in Phoenix. Unfortunately, the morning I left for Phoenix, exactly three weeks after my last radiation treatment, I had my seventh stroke. I never saw it coming.
Fortunately, it was minor. I woke up with a really bad stutter, and since my last stroke had only given me a stutter, I decided to go ahead with my trip to Phoenix. I spent a week out West with my friend and his family, and another week with my brother and his family.
Upon returning home, I had just three weeks until the YOBBERS Retreat.
I spent so many days and nights going back and forth about whether I should go or not. Being a leader, I really thought the stuttering would be a distraction during tribe discussions.
After talking with leadership we decided I could co-lead my tribe with another guy. That took a lot of pressure off me, and I decided to attend. The only other problem that concerned me was the six-hour drive. God and the prayers of my fellow YOBBERS were with me all the way, and I arrived safely.
We had four tribe times throughout the weekend. Because I co-led my tribe, I didn’t feel so self-conscious about my stutter. I constantly thanked my co-leader for his help, telling him I didn’t know how things would have gone without him.
During downtimes, however, I found myself constantly dealing with doubt, low self-esteem, loneliness, and feeling unloved. As I sat there looking around, I saw so many guys, including the newbies, hanging out with one another, playing games, laughing, and hugging. I felt like I was being avoided because of my stuttering. Of course, that wasn’t true, but it’s how I felt.
Many times throughout the weekend, I wished I weren’t there. And though I knew it was the enemy getting in my head, not once did I take time to pray and ask for the Lord to protect my thoughts. Instead of enjoying myself and being part of the experience, I let these thoughts eat away at me all weekend.
The only times the self-doubt didn’t happen were during our tribe times and worship. Especially the worship.
Our worship sessions together were the only times I didn’t stutter all weekend. I was told that singing affects a different part of the brain, and I truly felt the Holy Spirit with me as I sang.
That final morning, we went around in a circle and affirmed one another. I told the worship team that I really appreciated them because it was the only time I didn’t stutter or feel attacked by the enemy. The guy beside me then told the group that he’s had his own health issues for the past four years, and there have been times when he’s just yelled at God.
That’s when he’s found himself thinking about me and all I’ve been through with my own health, saying to himself, “If Michael can do it, so can I.”
He looked over to me in that moment and added, “Despite it all, you handle it with such grace.” He started crying, which caused me to cry.
Another guy came over to me and gave me a bear hug. “I hope you feel affirmed,” he said.
“I really do,” I said.
Then he said, “I love you.”
And I said it back. Obviously, all of these were things I needed to hear. God surely knows us best.
Finally, that same morning we had an awards ceremony; to my surprise, I received the annual leadership award. I started bawling. I tried to stop crying before walking up front to receive my award, but the tears wouldn’t stop. You should see the photo of my receiving the award; it’s not pretty.
Every year I look forward to the YOBBERS Retreat because I get to see our community members in person. Despite the way I let doubts get in my head at this particular retreat, I don’t regret going. I really enjoyed myself, especially the last 24 hours. God’s Spirit truly moved, not only in me but also in the rest of the retreat.
If you’ve had doubts about ever attending one of our retreats, I hope you will give it some serious consideration and prayer. Maybe I’ll see you there.
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 26:3 (ESV)
Did you attend this year’s YOBBERS Retreat? When have you experienced doubts in a group setting? When have you experienced freedom to cry in a group setting?
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