I started planning for this year’s YOBBERS Retreat as soon as I returned home from last year’s. This was my third retreat and, as such, I certainly knew what to expect — and, more than that, what to look forward to! I’ve gotten to the point where even the preparation leading up to the retreat is something I look forward to each year. It’s part of the tradition: YOBBERS planning every minute detail as a practical way to start the retreat early.
So much of YOB life (and, indeed, Side B life in general) is in the unofficial “meetings”; by this, I mean all the conversations to/from retreats and conferences. It’s in the downtime chats and interactions that spontaneously happen. This was driven home especially this year as I wrote and read affirmation notes to and from my fellow YOBBERS, a new component of this year’s retreat.
Small things can be so impactful.
At the start of the retreat we were pushed to write five affirmations to our fellow YOBBERS. Immediately, eight or so brothers came to mind, and I assumed those would be the only gentlemen I’d affirm that weekend.
However, as I began to write my affirmations on that final evening and late into the night (thank you, cerebral palsy, for I have never written quickly), I realized that every gentleman present had been used by the Lord to bless my life in one way or another.
There was the brother I didn’t know well until last summer, riding with him to the Revoice conference. What started as simply a ride to a theme park and then to a conference turned into a long conversation that I will never forget: walks with Jesus, love for the church, frustration with the church, what masculinity means, and what masculinity doesn’t mean. This past conversation came to mind while writing my affirmation to this brother, and there were so many memories to share on that small piece of paper.
I wrote some other affirmations for the first people I ever met in YOB. While I don’t mind verbally telling a male friend how I feel about him, writing it down feels more permanent; as such, I felt able to choose the best, most heartfelt words for these people I’ve gotten to know in what still feels like an all too unique situation.
As long as I can remember, I’ve loathed being attracted to other men; yet now, because of my Christian conviction amid my unwanted sexuality, I feel able to express myself with a brotherly love that most men don’t even know exists.
Beyond the men I knew well, I also found myself wanting to write to the YOBBERS attending their first retreat — even though I wasn’t sure what to write, having only just met them. I said a short prayer for each of them, and then I just started writing whatever fell on my heart for those five seconds. I mainly felt a sense of encouragement at new men coming beside the rest of us to struggle well.
The life of a gay, celibate Christian can be a challenging one. I say this not wanting sympathy, and not even praying that it will get easier; it’s just a fact. We are striving to live for Jesus while our sexuality is fighting that effort in every way imaginable.
So, with this in mind, I also started writing short affirmations (some longer than others) to every other YOBBER at the retreat!
I finished writing all my affirmations some time after midnight and finally went to bed. We only meet like this once a year, and yet the bonds we share are truly blessings from Jesus.
I honestly didn’t think I’d receive many affirmations, and I was okay with that. I’m awkward in many ways, and too many times I’ve had grandiose ideas of myself only to learn all too quickly that I really need to be focusing on Jesus, not myself.
As we started saying our goodbyes, I noticed some YOBBERS opening their affirmations. It felt a bit like “Pal-entine’s Day” or Christmas morning. My overthinking self wondered if I should just dive in and see who had left me a note; selfishly, I also wanted to watch YOBBERS as they read my notes to them.
My soul felt so good as I read my own affirmations. I got misty-eyed, and I’m not ashamed to say it. So many memories of these precious brothers emerged from this weekend, and also from past retreats and conferences.
Many guys wrote me words of encouragement for specific situations I’d be facing when I returned home. Many of these notes also became the basis for further conversations that I’ve had and still plan to have in the near future.
Years ago, when I was really struggling with my sexuality, I prayed time and again that the Lord would just bless me with some deep relationships. At the time, my prayer wasn’t even that righteous; it was out of desperation. However, the Lord has answered those prayers in His perfect way.
I now have more close relationships through YOB than I could have ever imagined possible.
If you’ve never attended a YOBBERS Retreat, or perhaps you’re debating attending one, let me give you a word of affirmation as well: I have been increasingly blessed attending each year. Each retreat is better than the previous one. Perhaps the Lord will lead you to come to next year’s YOBBERS Retreat, perhaps to be a blessing to me and many others!
Do you enjoy giving and receiving affirmations with other men? Have you also prayed and yearned for deep relationships with other men?
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