Ben Rutkowski

Call me Ben, or call me Beamer. I am in my early thirties, married, pastoring in the Midwest, and Jesus is my reason for living. I'm either an ENFJ or ENFP. My Enneagram is 2 or 6 depending on the day. I am a chameleon – being who I need to be to care for others. Most of my favorite activities center on being with people in any outdoors setting, whether hiking a mountain trail or simply lying in a hammock and drinking a beer.
Isolation Amid Covid-19 and Hope for the Future
Isolation Amid Covid-19 and Hope for the Future
The Covid-19 pandemic has become something of an "isolation equalizer." People everywhere are living in tension and isolation with businesses closed, services restricted, and life as we've known it ground to a halt. We are, all of us, isolated. And yet there is tremendous opportunity to unite in our shared
Do I Still Pray the Gay Away?
Do I Still Pray the Gay Away?
When they hear I'm attracted to men but married to a woman, straight people, particularly Christians, sometimes ask if I expect my attractions to "change" in this life. For the longest time, I prayed for God to change my attractions. To make me straight. I do still pray about my sexuality, but I don't pray that God would change my attractions to
Naked and Unashamed in the Locker Room
Naked and Unashamed in the Locker Room
For the longest time I felt afraid about the locker room setting. Part of my fear and shame came from body-image issues, as I was the "fat kid" most of my life. Part of my fear also came from my same-sex attraction – the fear for potential arousal. I was curious how the other guys looked but also ashamed and scared to be around them or be seen in my
The Day I Came Out to My Wife
The Day I Came Out to My Wife
And so, as we walked through a local park, barely past our first month of dating, I told her about my same-sex attraction. I told her of my failed dating history, that I wasn't sure I could be attracted to women, that most men who were SSA, despite years of prayer and trying to make things work, would not be attracted to women and that my SSA would possibly never go
Why Do We Follow a "Side B" Sexual Ethic?
Why Do We Follow a “Side B” Sexual Ethic?
I believe what Scripture says regarding a traditional sexual ethic. But more than that, I believe in the God behind that ethic and that his Word is still good for me, even if it's not always easy to
Saying Goodbye to Emotional Dependency — and My Best Friend
Saying Goodbye to Emotional Dependency — and My Best Friend
A point came in our relationship when I realized just how dependent I was on him and just how one-sided our friendship was. For my own well-being, I needed to step away from the relationship. What follows is the lament and reflection I wrote in saying "goodbye" to our
Flirting With Temptation? When My Pastor Pulled Me from Ministry
Flirting With Temptation? When My Pastor Pulled Me from Ministry
We will face temptation in this life. There is greater nuance for those of us with fellow "Side B" relationships, as the gender with whom we often need the closest relationships is the gender we are also generally attracted to. Temptation will happen, but it cannot be the only — or primary — litmus test for whether we can be safe in
Wounded Sparrow Seeking Home: Intro to a Queer, Married Pastor
Wounded Sparrow Seeking Home: Intro to a Queer, Married Pastor
I like men in more than just a friendly way. I am a man who is attracted emotionally and sexually to other men. I am also married to a woman, attracted only to her out of all the women on earth. Somehow, it works. I am queer. And for much of my life, that has terrified
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