I didn't want to lose my best friend to this soon-to-be relationship. I already knew what it felt like to be left alone, tossed away like an old rag doll by a straight relationship, forgotten. I don't know how many times this had happened to me, and I wasn't ready to go through it again. Especially by someone I thought would be my best friend for a long time.
I knew I needed a miracle even to get out there, and now this triggering text message was stuck in my brain as I got ready. I packed my clothes for the weekend but needed to get some food in my stomach before the semi-long trip.
I felt sick to my stomach that one complicated situation made me lash against someone who was very dear to my best friend's heart. I felt the whole situation was my fault, and I couldn't do anything to make it better.
My biggest fear was that my best friend was going to force our friendship to end all because of this girl, pushing me away from his life. It was the fear that whatever friendship we'd built in the past he was willing to tear down, trample to the ground, and pretend that I never existed at all.
What I thought was a total "God thing" to help me through my life and financial crisis ended up being a big flop. I felt like a total failure, my mind reminded by all the stuff I'd endured when told I couldn't become a leader because of my past. I had to deal with that nightmare once again.
Deep in my financial drought, I thought about the idea of prostitution again. I'd done prostitution before, and my options for finding a job were running thin. I did love sex and hooking up with other guys; why not dive back into that dangerous field again and make some extra cash? I was in desperate need of help.
By the end of the conference, I felt rejuvenated and refreshed. All the messages were so powerful and challenging, like God had opened my heart for a heart and soul operation. My best friend and I returned home, and I thought this would strengthen our friendship in the months to come.
Why is it whenever we get so comfortable with our good lives, there's always something that shakes things up?
I went to the clinic by myself to get myself checked. I entered the clinic and had this fear that if I had contracted an STD, it would stay with me forever.
Growing up as a pastor's kid, I hid my homosexuality because I didn't want my father or my family to know that I was a "mistake."