We hadn't seen each other in a while, so we caught up on each other's lives. Then came the confrontation. The tone changed, and he wanted to get some stuff off his chest. He told me he didn't appreciate my butting in on their relationship and trying to save our friendship. That if he had to choose between our friendship or his girlfriend, he'd choose her.
One day, we finally grabbed lunch together, and I just poured out my heart to my best friend. I pleaded for him to take his relationship slowly and not to forget about me. While saying that, something just clicked in my brain. I started tearing up; right then and there, I asked my best friend to forgive me for being a jerk.
As I drove down the base of the mountain after listening to a sermon and enjoying some prayer, the thought once more popped into my head: "You like Annie!" I wanted to swipe away the thought again, but this time I actually considered it. Maybe I could like a girl?
I didn't want to lose my best friend to this soon-to-be relationship. I already knew what it felt like to be left alone, tossed away like an old rag doll by a straight relationship, forgotten. I don't know how many times this had happened to me, and I wasn't ready to go through it again. Especially by someone I thought would be my best friend for a long time.
I knew I needed a miracle even to get out there, and now this triggering text message was stuck in my brain as I got ready. I packed my clothes for the weekend but needed to get some food in my stomach before the semi-long trip.
Why do we choose a traditional, "Side B" sexual ethic as men who follow Jesus? Do we choose this life solely for our convictions or in spite of them? Do we live out a gay/SSA celibate life with joy or in angst and suffering? Tom welcomes Ryan and Matt for a discussion on why we're Side B, as opposed to "Side A" (gay-affirming), and where these labels even come from.
I felt sick to my stomach that one complicated situation made me lash against someone who was very dear to my best friend's heart. I felt the whole situation was my fault, and I couldn't do anything to make it better.
My biggest fear was that my best friend was going to force our friendship to end all because of this girl, pushing me away from his life. It was the fear that whatever friendship we'd built in the past he was willing to tear down, trample to the ground, and pretend that I never existed at all.
What I thought was a total "God thing" to help me through my life and financial crisis ended up being a big flop. I felt like a total failure, my mind reminded by all the stuff I'd endured when told I couldn't become a leader because of my past. I had to deal with that nightmare once again.
Deep in my financial drought, I thought about the idea of prostitution again. I'd done prostitution before, and my options for finding a job were running thin. I did love sex and hooking up with other guys; why not dive back into that dangerous field again and make some extra cash? I was in desperate need of help.