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I still get tense and nervous and start shaking just thinking about coming out again. Some days it's better; other days it's not.
So often I lament my lifelong disconnect from the male species and my own innate lack of manhood, I tend to neglect or even forget the numerous times I have felt like a man.
Several of our featured authors watched the film, Boy Erased. It's based on the real-life story of Garrard Conley who wrote a memoir of the same name. Boy Erased follows a young man's journey through reparative or conversion therapy, and it's also a story of a mother's and father's relationships with their gay son. It's a heavy film, and we debriefed it together in this extensive conversation.
His profile definitely made him seem like the modern, ideal, "manly man." He was a jock type with many photos of himself playing baseball. He also stated drawing as one of his hobbies, just like me. A straight masculine dude who plays sports, likes drawing, and calls himself a Christian? Perfect!
I am in recovery. And like the alcoholic with a beer or a drug addict with a joint, I cannot expect to masturbate every now and then and beat this addiction.
Even with a better understanding of my SSA, he just couldn't take daily contact with me anymore. So, he told me he was moving out.
I've reached the end of myself many times, and even just admitting that is incredibly difficult. Heartbreak, betrayal, loneliness, and fear -- all related to my sexuality -- have shaken me to my very core and brought me to the end of myself.
I get into times of doubting, specifically regarding my choice of celibacy. At times, it seems ridiculous that I choose celibacy all because of my faith.
I didn't belong here. An odd realization to make. YOB is for the outcast. A place for those who feel they don't belong. It's a community for the outcasts.