He wanted me to be a man, to be tough, emotionally disciplined and not giving in to my grief. After all, we should consider ourselves like soldiers in battle who can't afford to stop and grieve when someone dies. I couldn't fully process everything at the time, but you can imagine how I felt as a sensitive guy.
He was never physically affectionate; we’d never even hugged. I wanted to touch him not out of a sexual desire but from a longing to connect with him as love with a brother. I dreamed of a day when we could embrace and confess our brotherly love for each other. I put my hand on his shoulder once. He brushed it off.
Is it really acceptable for men to cry? American culture has told me and countless other boys and young men that crying is not manly.
I definitely don't know some of my other brothers like I know my friends. I still consider them my brothers, though. We still fight alongside each other.
I know what it's like to hurt, to have nowhere to go. This is why I keep ministering to people who need to hear that Jesus loves them.
I still get tense and nervous and start shaking just thinking about coming out again. Some days it's better; other days it's not.
One day my friend came home and found me in deep emotional turmoil. He directly asked me what was wrong, so I tried to explain what I was feeling about him.
I did not have heroes growing up. Many little boys look up to their father or older brothers. I didn't have a clear definition of what a hero should be.
I was told I couldn't serve in various areas of ministry, including the youth ministry and being around the younger children at the church.
Before I applied for SOM, some friends were talking to me about becoming a Bible study leader. I grew thrilled at the idea of leading and serving there.