I didn't want to lose my best friend to this soon-to-be relationship. I already knew what it felt like to be left alone, tossed away like an old rag doll by a straight relationship, forgotten. I don't know how many times this had happened to me, and I wasn't ready to go through it again. Especially by someone I thought would be my best friend for a long time.
My biggest fear was that my best friend was going to force our friendship to end all because of this girl, pushing me away from his life. It was the fear that whatever friendship we'd built in the past he was willing to tear down, trample to the ground, and pretend that I never existed at all.
He was never physically affectionate; we’d never even hugged. I wanted to touch him not out of a sexual desire but from a longing to connect with him as love with a brother. I dreamed of a day when we could embrace and confess our brotherly love for each other. I put my hand on his shoulder once. He brushed it off.
As I entered into ministry, I knew my SSA could end it all in one swift move. I hoped that instead of being rejected I would be loved. I hoped that people would notice their prejudice and change once they met me. I spent much time in prayer -- but also smoking.
What I thought was a total "God thing" to help me through my life and financial crisis ended up being a big flop. I felt like a total failure, my mind reminded by all the stuff I'd endured when told I couldn't become a leader because of my past. I had to deal with that nightmare once again.
Some of the happiest periods of my life took place during college and grad school. I lived with a group of eight guys, and they were the greatest friends one could ask for. As their dating relationships grew more serious, I felt myself going down on their list of priorities. Some of those friends got married. And our friendships effectively ended.
I don't want sex with another man like I don't want sex with a woman. And most days I just need someone to tell me that's okay.
It is very desirable and even possible for me to have a decades-long friendship with a straight guy...even though he is married and I am not.
My former girlfriend dumped me and was now with my best male friend. Had I been betrayed by both of them?
I would look and feel more "normal" if married. I would definitely fit into the Christian world better. So, I decided to try out dating a girl.