Back in high school, I lived a double life. I enjoyed spending time with my friends and the youth group at my church. But I also spent time looking at porn, questioning how I fit in with guys, and lacking any strong sense of masculinity. The summer after my junior year, I decided to volunteer at a nearby camp. Having never attended this camp -- or any camp – as a camper, I had only vague expectations for my first week. It was a Christian camp so what could be bad about it, right? Driving down that gravel road, though, all the fears and insecurities came rushing at me.
As my childhood entered a big transition phase, I started dealing with it through unhealthy self-reliance. This created a sort of double life.
I was honestly lonely then, but I pretended like I wasn't. Self-reliance unconsciously became my norm.
My nudist desires have never been entirely sexual. I've long known that it comes from a deep desire for intimacy. To be known fully as a man by other men.
He's an attractive cashier but he's more than just an attractive cashier. This attractive cashier personifies much of my struggle for the past 20 years.
I was told I couldn't serve in various areas of ministry, including the youth ministry and being around the younger children at the church.
We were always careful to keep appropriate, healthy boundaries even though we knew we were not sexually attracted to each other. I think we were just cautious of others gossiping if we appeared to be too close. Unfortunately, churches like ours are especially prone to gossip about SSA guys.
I hated the way I looked! I was a skinny, fearful, awkward, shy person who wished I could look good like the athletic, muscular, confident guys.
Somewhere around seventh grade, I told my family I hated swimming. The real reason was just too silly and shameful. I hated having to take off my shirt.
I got more involved in a small group as others would worship God. There was an amazing sense of community. I knew I was not alone in my Christian life!