Did I want to be in leadership, or did that role need to be filled? I felt inadequate. To lead. To be an example. To show my non-Christian roommates Jesus and love. To be a good friend.
How was I to respond to my friend's declaration? After everything that had happened in France, I felt even more confused about relationships and sexuality. My faith seemed in limbo, without much support from my summer community, so I didn't know where to put my friend in my life and understanding of faith.
The guilt was overwhelming. How would I tell anybody what I had done? What would they think of me? Beyond other people, how would these events impact my faith? Where was Jesus during all of this?
It felt good to be close to another man. And yet, was it right (healthy, faithful, acceptable) to like this? Is this what acceptance in a physical sense felt like?
Just imagining myself joining this group on this trip brought up several anxieties: the fear of sharing, sleeping, and showering among so many other guys. I also had masculine insecurities about cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina along with the ability to share my faith. But God is bigger than my anxieties. And as I'd eventually learn, jumping into the unknown with God tends to be the best option.
College held the hope for a fresh start. Home meant the weight of my double-life: the pain of lying about porn and "everything is okay" all the time; the great friendships that never felt deep or authentic enough for my broken self.
These men, their stories showed me the courage to love. The courage to love family and friends, whether they understand, accept us, or not. The courage to love and trust God even in the midst of confusion and lies. The courage to love myself.
Back in high school, I lived a double life. I enjoyed spending time with my friends and the youth group at my church. But I also spent time looking at porn, questioning how I fit in with guys, and lacking any strong sense of masculinity. The summer after my junior year, I decided to volunteer at a nearby camp. Having never attended this camp -- or any camp – as a camper, I had only vague expectations for my first week. It was a Christian camp so what could be bad about it, right? Driving down that gravel road, though, all the fears and insecurities came rushing at me.
As my childhood entered a big transition phase, I started dealing with it through unhealthy self-reliance. This created a sort of double life.
I was honestly lonely then, but I pretended like I wasn't. Self-reliance unconsciously became my norm.