Ben Rutkowski

Call me Ben, or call me Beamer. I am in my early thirties, married, pastoring in the Midwest, and Jesus is my reason for living. I'm either an ENFJ or ENFP. My Enneagram is 2 or 6 depending on the day. I am a chameleon – being who I need to be to care for others. Most of my favorite activities center on being with people in any outdoors setting, whether hiking a mountain trail or simply lying in a hammock and drinking a beer.
To My Significant Other: A Template to Help You Come Out to Her
23 March 2021
To My Significant Other: A Template to Help You Come Out to Her
I am attracted to other men. At this point, you might be shocked, scared, angry, or confused. Please allow me to affirm a few truths before I continue. I love Jesus, I believe in a traditional/biblical sexual ethic, and I am pursuing holiness before the Lord in my sexuality. I love you and want to walk well with you. I want you to know this about me so you can see me, love me, and walk well with me, and so I am not holding back pieces of my life from
by Ben Rutkowski
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Your Other Brothers ConvoCast • 025
19 March 2021
The YOB ConvoCast 025: Tom & Ben Think People Are a Lot!
Join us as Tom convos with one of our authors, Ben! We catch up with Ben from his last ConvoCast appearance and talk about his message on chosen family at our recently held YOBBERS retreat. We also riff about proportional haircuts, Ben’s upcoming blog on coming out to people you love, and where (and with whom) a pastor get his support. Also, who's YOB’s pastor: Ben or
by Ben Rutkowski
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27 April 2020
The YOB ConvoCast 016: Tom & Ben Met at an Irish Pub!
Tom welcomes Ben to the YOB airwaves for the first time to talk about pastoring a church during this coronavirus pandemic, including the digital challenges of having an older congregation. Ben also reveals what his wife thinks about YOB, and the guys recount their first meeting at an Irish pub during Revoice last
by Ben Rutkowski
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Isolation Amid Covid-19 and Hope for the Future
22 April 2020
Isolation Amid Covid-19 and Hope for the Future
The Covid-19 pandemic has become something of an "isolation equalizer." People everywhere are living in tension and isolation with businesses closed, services restricted, and life as we've known it ground to a halt. We are, all of us, isolated. And yet there is tremendous opportunity to unite in our shared
by Ben Rutkowski
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Do I Still Pray the Gay Away?
18 February 2020
Do I Still Pray the Gay Away?
When they hear I'm attracted to men but married to a woman, straight people, particularly Christians, sometimes ask if I expect my attractions to "change" in this life. For the longest time, I prayed for God to change my attractions. To make me straight. I do still pray about my sexuality, but I don't pray that God would change my attractions to
by Ben Rutkowski
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Naked and Unashamed in the Locker Room
17 December 2019
Naked and Unashamed in the Locker Room
For the longest time I felt afraid about the locker room setting. Part of my fear and shame came from body-image issues, as I was the "fat kid" most of my life. Part of my fear also came from my same-sex attraction – the fear for potential arousal. I was curious how the other guys looked but also ashamed and scared to be around them or be seen in my
by Ben Rutkowski
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The Day I Came Out to My Wife
12 November 2019
The Day I Came Out to My Wife
And so, as we walked through a local park, barely past our first month of dating, I told her about my same-sex attraction. I told her of my failed dating history, that I wasn't sure I could be attracted to women, that most men who were SSA, despite years of prayer and trying to make things work, would not be attracted to women and that my SSA would possibly never go
by Ben Rutkowski
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Why Do We Follow a "Side B" Sexual Ethic?
20 September 2019
Why Do We Follow a “Side B” Sexual Ethic?
I believe what Scripture says regarding a traditional sexual ethic. But more than that, I believe in the God behind that ethic and that his Word is still good for me, even if it's not always easy to
by Ben Rutkowski
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Saying Goodbye to Emotional Dependency — and My Best Friend
9 August 2019
Saying Goodbye to Emotional Dependency — and My Best Friend
A point came in our relationship when I realized just how dependent I was on him and just how one-sided our friendship was. For my own well-being, I needed to step away from the relationship. What follows is the lament and reflection I wrote in saying "goodbye" to our
by Ben Rutkowski
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Flirting With Temptation? When My Pastor Pulled Me from Ministry
2 July 2019
Flirting With Temptation? When My Pastor Pulled Me from Ministry
We will face temptation in this life. There is greater nuance for those of us with fellow "Side B" relationships, as the gender with whom we often need the closest relationships is the gender we are also generally attracted to. Temptation will happen, but it cannot be the only — or primary — litmus test for whether we can be safe in
by Ben Rutkowski
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