My Battle with Male Body Image

I remember being envious of the other boys who seemed so free in their bodies, so free with their bodies. I remember being envious of their slenderness, and later on, their muscles. I remember lying in bed wishing so hard that I could wake up and be miraculously thin. I remember knowing that I shouldn’t hate my body but having no idea how to stop.

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Coming Out at College

College held the hope for a fresh start. Home meant the weight of my double-life: the pain of lying about porn and “everything is okay” all the time; the great friendships that never felt deep or authentic enough for my broken self.

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YOBcast Episode 036: Puberty

How did puberty affect our childhoods, and how does it still impact us today? Physically, emotionally, relationally, and sexually? We dive into the physical changes we experienced, our family dynamics, the comparisons we made to other boys, and ultimately this matter of “sexual awakening.”

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The Painful Path to Restored Friendship

After the funeral, I felt almost paralyzed. I just couldn’t force myself to lead at the house. James needed me to lead and be a help to him, so he confronted me on being too passive. I admitted he was right, but I felt unable to get beyond my emotions and lead others. Things degenerated until James and I barely talked.

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When the Masculine Ideal Failed Me

His profile definitely made him seem like the modern, ideal, “manly man.” He was a jock type with many photos of himself playing baseball. He also stated drawing as one of his hobbies, just like me. A straight masculine dude who plays sports, likes drawing, and calls himself a Christian? Perfect!

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When Grief Tests a Friendship

He wanted me to be a man, to be tough, emotionally disciplined and not giving in to my grief. After all, we should consider ourselves like soldiers in battle who can’t afford to stop and grieve when someone dies. I couldn’t fully process everything at the time, but you can imagine how I felt as a sensitive guy.

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