Lifestories

Loved by God – Even When I Can't Relate
Loved by God – Even When I Can’t Relate
Who am I? This could be a question for self-edification or self-deprecation. A question answered with set shoulders and proud confidence, or a rhetorical question asked to oneself at the depths of loneliness and despair. The best way I have determined to answer that question is I am...loved by
The First Guy I Fell In Love With, and the Path Forward with Touch
The First Guy I Fell In Love With, and the Path Forward with Touch
He's the guy who has clarified my boundaries with cuddling and physical touch more than any other. The guy from whom I've sought comfort in touch more than any other. The guy who has made me feel seen and warm and laugh and cry like no other. He's the first (and to this point, only) guy I've fallen in love
Adrift as a Child or a Man
Adrift as a Child or a Man
I still have that Link costume somewhere in my closet. Perhaps it's the wandering through the woods that I love, the isolation, the music; or, perhaps it's something deeper that has stuck with me after all these years. Perhaps it's that I feel like the protagonist: adrift in time, unsure whether I'm a child or a man. This is how I feel as I move back into my childhood bedroom – the place where my sexual trauma
Cast Out of the Church for Being Gay
Cast Out of the Church for Being Gay
That was the third church to turn me away for being gay, even though I had never done anything inappropriate with anyone in the church. At that point, I was done! Done with God, done with Christians, done with church, done with praying, and done with the Bible. I threw every Bible I owned into a dumpster and decided to embrace a gay life even more than I had done previously. For four years, I had sex with as many guys as I could and didn't care. In my mind, since God and the church didn't care about me, why should
Let's Talk About Erections (Again)
Let’s Talk About Erections (Again)
Years ago a YOB post like this initially proved to me that this site had something new and interesting to offer the world. It made me feel seen and understood like almost nothing I had read before. That original post no longer exists here, and I've seen your emails wondering where it went and what frighteningly candid content you can instead send your friends. To answer my own self-doubts above: I believe this post will be valuable to someone. It's important. It's worth
What Masculine Strength Looks Like
What Masculine Strength Looks Like
Does nice equal good? Does strong equal toxic? Commiseration is a drink that intoxicates quickly, yet we must weep with those who weep. Am I a man? Am I strong? What am I, and where is my place? What is the nature of masculine
When His Roommate Caught Us Cuddling
When His Roommate Caught Us Cuddling
If we were gonna cuddle safely in the dark, why not just cuddle safely in the light? Open the veil, so to speak? We were lying down next to each other, my head on his chest, or his head on mine, I forget. Everything was quiet. Nobody else was in the room. But it would not stay that
Repurposing My Church Angst
Repurposing My Angst with the Church
While I have had many wonderful, supportive Christians in my life, I find many more who just do not want to meet me where I am with my sexuality. This is not a childish lament about how life is not fair or how people in the Church have the audacity to disagree with some of my thoughts or opinions. No, this is an honest observation that the Church has done and continues to do a poor job of helping gay or same-sex attracted Christians continue to walk in their faith with Christ. Instead of being a great cloud of witnesses encouraging me onward, some act as a voice of the enemy telling me I have no place at God's
A Single Gay Man Lost in the Crowd
Being gay has ruined large crowds for me. Something about being surrounded, seen but utterly unknown, twists my soul. And then add to that the layers of guilt I feel. All these couples I'm jealous of because they get to be here together. Or the number of attractive men I see, the number of times I don't control my lustful thoughts. Or worst of all: when I spot a gay couple somewhere out there, and I want to be them, and I wish I
Imprisoned for Being Gay
Imprisoned for Being Gay
Sometimes you just have to be honest with yourself about who you are. After another year and a half in Germany, I woke up one morning, walked down to my first sergeant's office, and told him I was gay – that I didn't want to be in the Army anymore. My colonel had to sign off on that paperwork; he refused. And I was arrested. The Army rushed the investigation, and I was
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