loneliness

The First Relationship I Didn't Know I Wanted
The First Relationship I Didn’t Know I Wanted
All the other gay films I'd watched were nice, but this was the first gay film I watched and thought: I wish I knew what it was like to be in a relationship. All the other men I've ended up with were only about sex. I didn't care about them or their feelings, much like the son at the beginning of this film. This film brought up feelings I never knew I even had or wanted, for that matter.
Am I Actually in Touch with My Feelings as a Gay Man?
Am I Actually in Touch with My Feelings as a Gay Man?
Fours are emotional creatures. We feel things. We feel things deeply and often. A leaky faucet doesn't do the metaphor justice; my heart feels more like a fire hydrant turned loose on a city street. Handling the hydrant has challenged me my whole life, but especially these last few years. I've seen some success. And I also recognize how much room I have yet to grow.
YOB ConvoCast 052: Daniel Wants a Travel Buddy as a SEVEN!
YOB ConvoCast 052: Daniel Wants a Travel Buddy as a SEVEN!
Daniel remembers the first time he felt shame for showing enthusiasm as a child, and how that response impacted his introversion -- a rare disposition for Sevens. He discusses his love for travel, moving from the Philippines to the United Kingdom, visiting 35 cities in one year, seeing a different country every month, and even coming to America for multiple YOB retreats. But when does a love for travel turn to escape? When is escape healthy and courageous, and when is escape more detrimental? Regarding sexuality and relationships, was he constantly trying to escape something uncomfortable, something painful, something sad? We close the conversation with the growth and beauty of a Seven who can stay put and persevere -- with others, with self, and with God.
Euphoric Recall: My Sexual Fantasies Named
Euphoric Recall: My Sexual Fantasies Named
Here's one vocabulary term I've taken away from therapy: euphoric recall. I'd never heard that phrase until last year, and it gives language to this nebulous internal struggle I've faced since my first bout with pornography at 19.
Three Tactics for Fighting Intrusive Sexual Thoughts
Three Tactics to Fight Sexually Intrusive Thoughts
For so many years I thought I was just dirty, lustful, and awful for thinking all these terrible sexual thoughts. I was filled with constant shame because the sexually intrusive thoughts kept coming. The realization that I can actually, with practice, redirect my own thoughts, is more freeing than I can write.
"For Forever" and My Longing for Brotherhood
“For Forever” and My Longing for Brotherhood
It was the first song I'd ever heard that touched upon my most simple yet desperate longing; buried beneath the pangs of my sexuality, a clear yet unattainable desire – to have a best buddy, someone who tells me he wants to be with me, someone to goof off with, someone to sit beside in a country field. Someone by my side when I'm hurting.
YOB ConvoCast 047: Wes Wants You to Please Touch Him as a TWO!!
YOB ConvoCast 047: Wes Wants You to Please Touch Him as a TWO!
Since so much of the Two's identity is tied to other people, we dive into this realm of "relating with other men" more than any other episode of this series. In particular, how does a Two respond to that precious loss in male friendship? How does a Two feel a sense of belonging with a community? How important is coming out for a Two? Wes also shares about the Two's relating with God: does a Two feel beautiful in God's eyes or merely tolerable to His purposes? How does the Two experience pride and manipulation in times of stress, and how does the Two experience self-care that isn't selfish during times of growth?
YOB ConvoCast 044: Matt Will Love You Long and Hard as an EIGHT!
YOB ConvoCast 044: Matt Will Love You Long and Hard as an EIGHT!
Matt shares why he often feels separate from members of the LGBT+ community and the YOB community, connecting more strongly with straight men. He also discusses his journey with vulnerability as a point of growth in his relationships. And he confirms that if an Eight truly loves you, he's loyal all the way! We close the conversation by including ways we we can all love the Eights in our lives better.
Loved by God – Even When I Can't Relate
Loved by God – Even When I Can’t Relate
Who am I? This could be a question for self-edification or self-deprecation. A question answered with set shoulders and proud confidence, or a rhetorical question asked to oneself at the depths of loneliness and despair. The best way I have determined to answer that question is I am...loved by God.
Adrift as a Child or a Man
Adrift as a Child or a Man
I still have that Link costume somewhere in my closet. Perhaps it's the wandering through the woods that I love, the isolation, the music; or, perhaps it's something deeper that has stuck with me after all these years. Perhaps it's that I feel like the protagonist: adrift in time, unsure whether I'm a child or a man. This is how I feel as I move back into my childhood bedroom – the place where my sexual trauma occurred.