This is the final post in my 3-part series on sex addiction. Check out Part 1 and Part 2 if you missed a previous installment of the story.
After being bedridden for an entire year, I thought it was God’s way of telling me to stop having sex with men. Hooked to a machine, I was unable to go out to the bars or clubs. And I definitely wasn’t about to have anyone come see me like this. Call it vanity.
I got really bored just lying there in bed all day, and I discovered downloading movies. Back then I had no idea you could download blockbusters for free on the internet. It was awesome, but the downside was a chance of getting a computer virus; during one download, that’s exactly what happened.
As I downloaded this one movie, a porn ad popped up. I had never seen one before, so I clicked the “X” in the corner to get rid of it — and a whole bunch more popped up. I tried clicking all the Xs to close them, but more of them popped up. I figured if I just watched one ad, it would make the rest of them go away.
Boy, was I wrong. I had never watched porn before this. Watching this one video, I found myself getting sucked into a world of fantasy. I soon forgot about downloading any movies.
Porn was way better than watching some blockbuster: I could still be with guys without actually being with them. After all, I never cared about those guys anyway. It was all about me and getting off.
The more I watched porn, the more I was hooked.
After my year attached to that machine, my family insisted that I move back to Florida near them. “Because we don’t want you to die in California alone,” they told me.
Personally, I wish they would have just left me where I was. My first year back in Florida I was forced to live with my youngest sister, as I had trouble walking with a swollen leg. I had no opportunity to watch any porn while living with her.
Another year passed, and my other sister got a job as surgical nurse up in Virginia. She wanted me to take care of her house in Florida. I agreed because I could get out of the house with my other sister, but being away from her meant I had free reign to watch as much porn as I wanted.
Five years after moving back to Florida, I had four strokes in a ten-month period. I don’t know if this was another sign from God to stop all the sexual things I was doing or not. If it was, once again, I chose to ignore it.
Personally, I think the strokes came from my family’s stressing me out. Either way, you’d think I’d have learned from the first time around, but again, my flesh grew as strong as when I’d had all that sex with men. It’s amazing how strong the desire to feed that hunger can become.
And the more you starve it, the worse the hunger grows.
After my first stroke I was in the hospital for thirteen days, and no one from my church came to visit me until the tenth day. That was only because my mom had called the church office to ask why no one from church had come to visit me. The pastor and associate pastor came that afternoon; the pastor stayed on his phone the entire time.
No one from church came to visit me after any of my three other strokes. Once I recovered, I went back to church and felt like a pariah. I felt empty, not just because of my porn use but also from my lack of community in that church.
A few months prior to the first stroke, I’d come out to the pastor and my Bible study group. I shared what had happened to me in past churches, along with my prison time in the Army because of my struggles with homosexuality. I really thought I’d receive sympathy from them, but I was wrong. Even though I attended the services, it was like I wasn’t even there. I felt ghosted.
That church rejection fed more into my desire to be with men. When I was with men, though, I really didn’t want to be with them. Even now I find myself thinking about being held, cuddling, and having regular intimacy — but no desire for sex.
Weeks turned to months which turned into years. Porn turned into an obsession because I had no one else to talk to about these feelings. Christians kept turning their backs on me, again and again, so porn was my escape even though I grew more bored with it, looking for more interesting videos.
I watched a minimum of four hours of porn per sitting. My longest porn binge lasted eighteen hours, and still I found no satisfaction.
To this day, I still can’t believe that happened.
After finding a new church I thought, “Maybe now I can get this stuff behind me.” I got actively involved in this church for three years, yet I still found myself going back to porn at least once a week. I decided to come out to my pastor and told him about my past, as well as YOB.
He told me my story would help a lot of people. A few months later I told him I was a mentor, and he said something that stuck with me: “You can’t ask those guys to do something that you’re not doing.”
He was right. I needed to be a better example for the guys I mentor and for YOB.
I spent 29 years having sex with men but didn’t admit I was a sex addict until two years ago. I spent another 15 years watching porn, but didn’t even admit that until earlier last year. In all, I’ve spent 44 years as a sexual addict — 42 of those years in complete denial.
The devil convinced me I didn’t need to believe what I was doing was wrong. Every sexual thing I did with men, I found a reason to justify it.
Since the Holy Spirit’s speaking through my pastor as well as a fellow community member, things have greatly improved in my life. They gave me great advice. Because of that, while leaning on the power of God, I’ve only watched porn and masturbated once in the past year. I hope to put both behind me one day.
We know the majority of guys, including Christians, struggle with porn and/or masturbation but won’t talk about it. I have no problem being open about these struggles with others. I actually find it healthy to share. By keeping it in, you run the risk of making it more of a habit than it already is.
Many Christian men won’t talk about these sexual issues because of shame, guilt, cultural beliefs, or what others will think of them. Some don’t feel any of these things are sin issues.
But for those who do, I encourage you to find someone you trust to share your struggles with and hold each other accountable. Too many times I’ve let my flesh win, and it never brought me happiness — only guilt, shame, and emptiness. We’ve got to lean more and more on the strength of the God rather than our own power.
“For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.”
Romans 8:5 (ESV)
Do you struggle with or even feel addicted to porn, masturbation, hookups, or other sexual sins? Do you have someone or a group to confess sexual sin with, or is this difficult for you?
About the Author
I think we can all remember that first time technology and social media snared us for the first time. I vividly remember Facebook and YouTube teaming up to get me as a 19-year-old. At first I felt super guilty about following that rabbit trail, but I’ve long since reconciled that if it didn’t find me at 19, it’d have found me at 20 or 21 or certainly 36. Porn is just everywhere; there’s no escape, it seems. I can’t imagine what these next generations will have to face with all the tech advances coming and already here.
Thanks for being bold to share your addictions journey with us, Michael. Talking about it is the biggest antidote we have, along with taking it to Jesus of course.