For this first entry on masculinity, I want to share my experiences with masculine leadership, including how the lack of positive, consistent examples of masculine leadership has affected how I interact with and think about the men who are supposed to lead me.
How did we go from Jonathan and David to heaven and hell? What exactly happened between us? I've replayed every variable in my head over and over: I was too obsessive, I was too much, I was never enough, he was never enough, it's all his fault, it’s all my fault, he caught feelings.
I learned that it wasn't safe for me to talk about or process through any of this struggle. Not at this church. And that is just what I did for the rest of high school. I didn't talk about my sexuality with anyone at that church again.
It's no secret that the LGBT+ community has a complicated history with the Christian church. This culture war has bled into the church for decades, resulting in those who experience same-sex attraction in their congregations to feel uncared for, unloved, and at worst, excommunicated from the church community. These experiences create soul wounds.
I met a friend named Rick at my first meeting of the Christian Student Ministry. We talked briefly at the meeting, and then more the next morning over breakfast. From those earliest moments with Rick, I felt all the feelings of a crush – though I didn't realize it at the time. While I obviously felt a physical attraction to this guy, I also felt an emotional, mental, and spiritual attraction that even now is difficult to explain.
Matthew returns for a second go on the podcast as we dive into Gen Z fashion trends! Have the '80s and '90s just had a baby and its name is Gen Z? We also look back at our fifth camp retreat held a few months ago, reveling in our victorious volleyball match against a group of teenagers. Matthew also shares with us a snippet of what he shared at the retreat when he got to speak for us one night, including the reminder that God is working and loves to work on us slowly.
I entered my first YOBBERS retreat hoping for renewal out of this weekend. But would I really get that renewal? Would I see a refresh of strength – mentally, physically, spiritually?
Matt returns to share how he celebrates Thanksgiving with his Navajo family and helps us commemorate Native American Heritage Month. Matt and Tom also discuss the topic of "Side A" friendship -- that is, friendships with gay believers with an affirming theology. Matt mentions a new Side A friend he's made, and Tom discusses his own recent experience with a Side A person, comparing it with a stilted interaction from over a decade ago.
Matthew's been active in the YOB community for years, but why did it take so long for him to share his story publicly? He opens up about his long road of coming out to himself before he could ever come out to other people, referencing his Enneagram Three shame with authenticity and difficult emotions. He talks about taking metaphorical trips to the desert to lament his dreams of marriage, family, ministry, purpose, and influence, and he also beams about his sexuality's blessings, including a moment leading worship at his first YOBBERS retreat in 2021.
I found myself getting sucked into a world of fantasy. Porn was way better than watching some blockbuster: I could still be with guys without actually being with them. After all, I never cared about those guys anyway. It was all about me and getting off. The more I watched porn, the more I was hooked.