My nudist desires have never been entirely sexual. I've long known that it comes from a deep desire for intimacy. To be known fully as a man by other men.
He's an attractive cashier but he's more than just an attractive cashier. This attractive cashier personifies much of my struggle for the past 20 years.
I've never much desired sexual intercourse with men. Throughout my life, however, my erotic thoughts and desires have centered almost entirely on nudity.
"How could you take a bath?" The question seemed ludicrous to me. I walked a lot that day. I was tired. My legs were sore. The bath was hot. This guy is a genuinely nice guy who loves God. But he's bought into a delusional sense of masculinity based more on actions than identity.
Even with a better understanding of my SSA, he just couldn't take daily contact with me anymore. So, he told me he was moving out.
I know what it's like to hurt, to have nowhere to go. This is why I keep ministering to people who need to hear that Jesus loves them.
I still get tense and nervous and start shaking just thinking about coming out again. Some days it's better; other days it's not.
I don't want sex with another man like I don't want sex with a woman. And most days I just need someone to tell me that's okay.
I know I'm a hypocrite, yet I embrace that term and the things it entails because it shows that God can use me despite my flaws.
That's why you need a community. Whatever hurt you experience, you have people who can carry you on your path to recovery.