He was sitting there waiting for me, like usual. My pastor asked if I was okay, though he knew I wasn’t. He could tell I was an emotional wreck, that I needed to get some stuff off my chest. I felt numb, this deep despair inside me, like all my energy had escaped me. I only had enough to meet with him on this particular day.
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I couldn’t go back through this whole crap again! I couldn’t go back to being worried every single minute over how to pay for my apartment. I couldn’t go back to not eating for a day or two. I couldn’t go back to being tempted to selling myself to the first “generous” guy that came my way. I felt the heavy weight again, and I felt like a total loser.
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We hadn’t seen each other in a while, so we caught up on each other’s lives. Then came the confrontation. The tone changed, and he wanted to get some stuff off his chest. He told me he didn’t appreciate my butting in on their relationship and trying to save our friendship. That if he had to choose between our friendship or his girlfriend, he’d choose her.
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One day, we finally grabbed lunch together, and I just poured out my heart to my best friend. I pleaded for him to take his relationship slowly and not to forget about me. While saying that, something just clicked in my brain. I started tearing up; right then and there, I asked my best friend to forgive me for being a jerk.
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You might have heard there’s a new Gillette commercial about “toxic masculinity.” The commercial has garnered a lot of attention, both positive and negative. Since masculinity is a cornerstone topic in this community, we thought we’d enter the conversation, too. Did we like the Gillette commercial? Hate it? Want more of it? We had a conversation with several of our featured authors.
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As I drove down the base of the mountain after listening to a sermon and enjoying some prayer, the thought once more popped into my head: “You like Annie!” I wanted to swipe away the thought again, but this time I actually considered it. Maybe I could like a girl?
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I didn’t want to lose my best friend to this soon-to-be relationship. I already knew what it felt like to be left alone, tossed away like an old rag doll by a straight relationship, forgotten. I don’t know how many times this had happened to me, and I wasn’t ready to go through it again. Especially by someone I thought would be my best friend for a long time.
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I knew I needed a miracle even to get out there, and now this triggering text message was stuck in my brain as I got ready. I packed my clothes for the weekend but needed to get some food in my stomach before the semi-long trip.
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Why do we choose a traditional, “Side B” sexual ethic as men who follow Jesus? Do we choose this life solely for our convictions or in spite of them? Do we live out a gay/SSA celibate life with joy or in angst and suffering? Tom welcomes Ryan and Matt for a discussion on why we’re Side B, as opposed to “Side A” (gay-affirming), and where these labels even come from.
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I felt sick to my stomach that one complicated situation made me lash against someone who was very dear to my best friend’s heart. I felt the whole situation was my fault, and I couldn’t do anything to make it better.
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