It was raining. I sat in my car crying, praying to God, asking why He’d let this happen. I’d emotionally given up. It was getting to be too much for me, and I knew I was at my breaking point. Outside the car was what I felt inside.
I’d barely started my new job. Three weeks into training, I was grateful to have found something finally.
No more desperately praying about where my next meal would come from. No more wondering if I was gonna pay rent or make my car payment on time. No more borrowing money from other people and becoming a financial burden on them.
I felt peace and security — things I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I hadn’t hung out with my best friend or gotten a phone call from him in a week, and after our last hang out session, I couldn’t shake off the rebuttal he’d given me about my blunt tactics with everyone. His words wouldn’t escape my mind, and they were very easy to dwell on almost every waking second.
I tried taking ownership of my mind and my emotions, but my best friend’s words were very hard to brush off since my personality is the core of who I am.
It was the last day of the work week, and I had to focus on training at my new job. Everything seemed like it was all finally coming together! Then we had our evaluation day to see how everyone was doing.
One by one, people were called into the supervisor’s office and were evaluated on their work stats. Going into my turn, I felt pretty good, calm, and collected . . .
“If you don’t do better, we will have to let you go from this company.”
That was the last thing I heard after meeting with my supervisor. I felt confused, upset, and back to where I started. How could I be doing so horribly?
I wanna go home.
I couldn’t go back through this whole crap again! I couldn’t go back to being worried every single minute over how to pay for my apartment. I couldn’t go back to not eating for a day or two.
I couldn’t go back to being tempted to selling myself to the first “generous” guy that came my way.
Work ended, and I had to go back home. I felt sick to my stomach, and all these thoughts started flooding my mind. I felt the heavy weight again, and I felt like a total loser.
I wanna go home.
The next day wasn’t any better. Depression hit hard after awakening, and the whispers of my mind started flooding nonstop. It rained all day, and I just lay on my couch feeling so helpless and drained.
I couldn’t keep a job, and I was barely skimming by with the little money I had. The girl I was interested in had rejected me; meanwhile, every one of my friends seemed to be in a relationship, and they all looked like they were well-off.
My best friend had little interest in me, along with my other friends, too.
I couldn’t go into ministry because of my past, and I couldn’t even maintain a small Bible study! I was unable to show my emotions and bottled everything inside! The only way I could show even an ounce of emotion or be completely honest was after having sex!
I wanna go home.
My temptations to have sex with a guy were at an all-time high! Sex was the only way I knew to cope with loss, but I couldn’t do it now — look at how far I’d come!
Now throwing in the wrench of having sexual feelings for a girl, I couldn’t do anything about it! What was I to do?
I was failing at everything a man was supposed to be. I was so confused, and I didn’t know what to do!
So, I got into my car and started driving.
I wanna go home.
I decided to drive up to my spot on the base of the mountain, looking over the gloomy city. I parked at my spot, and I just started to cry. I cried so hard, and in between breaths I prayed.
Why am I going through this? Why did You give me a job, and then start taking that job away?! Why did You give me these feeling for a girl that I can’t do anything about?! I can’t even provide for myself!
Look at me! I can’t count on my best friend who said he’d be there for me. I can’t count on my friends because their lives are more important than mine! I can’t even be honest with my failings because I’m so afraid of being excommunicated again.
You made a mistake. I wanted to be a pastor like my dad, but look at me! I’m a failure! I’m a total failure! You made a mistake in making me. I just wanna go home! I wanna go home. I just want to die and go home!
I sobbed with my arms on the steering wheel, wanting to end my life. I wanted to go back to my apartment and just end it all. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Then, a small whisper from Philippians 1:22-26 rang in my heart:
“But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you. And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again.”
Boom — I snapped out of it.
It was like the Holy Spirit had said the right words to me, giving me the peace that passes all understanding. It was the extra boost I needed to help me along my journey.
I needed to tell someone what happened.
Have you reached the end of your rope financially or relationally? Have you felt sexually stifled to the point of not knowing how to cope?
I know exactly how you feel Matthew!
There are days I just want to disappear, not in a suicidal way – but I just don’t want to deal with situations that continually take the wrong turn. It feels like you’ve tried everything and have nothing else to do.
That’s why I LOVE the verse you shared! God could take you & me right now in this instant if He wanted… but He needs us here.
He needs you Matthew because other people need to hear your stories. You serve a purpose.
God bless you brother <3
Amen. Yes, we need need to hear each other’s stories!
Great post Matt. Glad you were able to get out of that funk! I know I’ve reached the end of my rope multiple times, and generally go inside my own head and go down paths I know I shouldn’t and end up regretting right after. But thankfully that’s where God come in.
Your resiliency inspires me, Matt. I’m glad to call you my brother.
Matthew, why do you think you could only connect with your honest feelings after indulging yourself? I ask because I’m trying to understand something similar in my own heart.
Thanks for the rawness and transparency in this post. I’ve been there before, too, with all kinds of stuff. Praise God that He helped you through it by His Word and Spirit! What a great testimony to His love and faithfulness.
Bless you, Matt! So glad you “snapped out of it”!
I love how God was able to bring to your mind a passage of Scripture that not only encouraged you but renewed and washed your mind from those doubts. So beautiful that when we are down in the dumps and need an encouraging word, His Word is there to comfort, encourage and heal us, giving us the strength to continue this journey called life until the end
What happened in your past? Ι was excommunicated as well.
I so enjoy reading your posts Matt! You have such a gift of writing! At those points in my life when i feel like I am at the bottom of my rope, the Lord has reminded me of verses – especially from the Psalms to encourage me in the storm…in the night. Thanks again so much. You are appreciated.
I’m there with the “I just want to go home” feelings pretty frequently, with varying decrees of intensity/distress. Usually it’s just, “man, it sure would be nice to skip the rest of whatever is going on here” but I’ve definitely yelled at God about it too.
There was something gut-wrenchingly relatable about the sentence, “I can’t count on my friends because their lives are more important than mine!” I’m not sure if you meant that they prioritize many other things over you, or if you truly count what they’ve got going on as more important than what you’ve got going on, but I think I’ve know the dismay of both. However, I’ve never been able to put those words of lament to it (“I can’t count on my friends because…”). This is a helpful lament to connect with.
I’m right there with you right now. I’m so glad I found this blog because it’s everything I’m feeling right now. All my life I haven’t felt truly known and understood. In recent years I dealt with loneliness, first it was because of my sexuality, then having to face my trauma and finally despair because my orientation will never change and I felt my trauma responses were a punishment. Recently I become a Christian and honestly this is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I lost some friends because our lifestyles didn’t match anymore. I find it hard to make Christian friends because honestly idk how to lower my guards, all the christians I’d known were secretly homophobic and I don’t want to be seen as a “good one.” I don’t know how to have straight christian friends without feeling tokenized somehow. I’m not out to my old friends because of the trouble it might cause so I don’t feel like there is anyone in my life that genuinely understands & truly loves me as I am because of all the walls I’ve had to put up. Like if ppl were truly to see ME, they’d somehow run.
Though I’d been feeling better overall and I guess had been sharing that a little too much with a non believing friend and they cut me out mid sentence and said “you’re so much into religion.” I wasn’t evangelizing, I was just talking about my experiences. I felt so small and like there was something inately wrong with me. It’s bothered me more than I want to admit. Once again, an aspect of me is too much for someone. I’m not out to them, I don’t talk about my trauma, all I’ve spoken about is the goodness of God to me and even that was too much. I understand exactly how you feel, Matthew. I too just want to go home. Where there is nothing is ever too much and we’re fully known and loved. Where you’re not a burden and you’ll always have a seat at the table. Where dealing with things like trauma isn’t a “personal project” and just where nothing hurts, yk? I understand the feeling perfectly but we can rest in knowing that these are only seasons in life that will change. Most importantly, it’s inevitable that we will go where we truly belong. There’s no need to rush the trip, we’ll be there before we even know it 😁.
Indeed, no need to rush the trip. Life goes too fast as it is. There’s beauty in this journey. Even the hard climbs.