My Battle with Male Body Image
I remember being envious of the other boys who seemed so free in their bodies, so free with their bodies. I remember being envious of their slenderness, and later on, their muscles. I remember lying in bed wishing so hard that I could wake up and be miraculously thin. I remember knowing that I shouldn’t hate my body but having no idea how to stop.
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Coming Out at College
College held the hope for a fresh start. Home meant the weight of my double-life: the pain of lying about porn and “everything is okay” all the time; the great friendships that never felt deep or authentic enough for my broken self.
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Side B Friendships are Hard
It’s no secret that I have written extensively on the joys and blessings of SSA, gay, or Side B friendships. Indeed, these particular friendships have been incredible and moving experiences that I would not trade for anything in the world. But at the same time, let me be clear: maintaining Side B friendships with other guys can be HARD.
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Giving Up On My Dreams for a Wife and Kids
When I was a kid, my dream was to grow up and get a wife and kids. A lot of kids. My family and church taught me to pray for my future spouse. So, I did. Everyday for years. I prayed for the girl I’d one day marry, that God would protect her and care for her, whoever she was.
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Unearthing the Courage to Love
These men, their stories showed me the courage to love. The courage to love family and friends, whether they understand, accept us, or not. The courage to love and trust God even in the midst of confusion and lies. The courage to love myself.
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YOBcast Episode 036: Puberty
How did puberty affect our childhoods, and how does it still impact us today? Physically, emotionally, relationally, and sexually? We dive into the physical changes we experienced, our family dynamics, the comparisons we made to other boys, and ultimately this matter of “sexual awakening.”
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Where I Fill My Deepest Hunger
Most of my life, I’ve thought of faith mainly as a decision based on knowing some facts about God. Instead, faith is about coming to Jesus in such a way that the deepest hungers and thirsts of our souls are satisfied in him.
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My Straight Friend Won’t Touch Me
He was never physically affectionate; we’d never even hugged. I wanted to touch him not out of a sexual desire but from a longing to connect with him as love with a brother. I dreamed of a day when we could embrace and confess our brotherly love for each other. I put my hand on his shoulder once. He brushed it off.
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YOBcast Episode 033: Marriage, Another Story
Sometimes a marriage falls apart. We tell another story of “mixed-orientation” marriage as Elliott’s friend, John, talks about his unique upbringing in Japan, his time as an openly gay man at a Christian college, his sexual encounters with men and women, and ultimately a marriage that led to children and heartbreak.
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Cigarettes and the Stress of Same-Sex Attraction
As I entered into ministry, I knew my SSA could end it all in one swift move. I hoped that instead of being rejected I would be loved. I hoped that people would notice their prejudice and change once they met me. I spent much time in prayer — but also smoking.
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