I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd made brotherhood my idol. Looking back, I see it so clearly now. So madly obvious. I made this pursuit of brotherhood and even ministry my idol. And I got the wind knocked out of me on the asinine climb.
Whenever I struggled, I sent my friend a message and he encouraged me. By all accounts, I started doing better with my depression. But that's how codependency can look at the start -- a "healthy" accountability relationship.
I hadn't wanted orientation change out of a desire to please God. I'd wanted to be straight because I simply wanted to be normal. I had been scared. I was internally homophobic, hating myself and especially other gay men.
The guilt was overwhelming. How would I tell anybody what I had done? What would they think of me? Beyond other people, how would these events impact my faith? Where was Jesus during all of this?
I don't wonder to myself: Have I, as an adult, ever embraced another man shirtless like this before? This isn't that kind of intimacy.
As I drove down the base of the mountain after listening to a sermon and enjoying some prayer, the thought once more popped into my head: "You like Annie!" I wanted to swipe away the thought again, but this time I actually considered it. Maybe I could like a girl?
My dad believed he needed to leave me free to live my own life. I had certainly been willing to be his full-time caregiver, but now that I knew his wishes, apparently God had other plans for me.
It felt good to be close to another man. And yet, was it right (healthy, faithful, acceptable) to like this? Is this what acceptance in a physical sense felt like?
God and I are going to have some time alone together at the beginning of the next life. For the wounds to heal, for the scars to fade, and for the tears to become mere memory. I used to think healing would happen in an instant, but I'm not sure that's how healing works anymore.
My daughter had been injured by an accident — something that had no one to blame or fault. And in that time, I needed to know that it was all going to be all right. I needed to know that it would work out. I needed hope. And I needed to restore my faith in that hope.