Here's one vocabulary term I've taken away from therapy: euphoric recall. I'd never heard that phrase until last year, and it gives language to this nebulous internal struggle I've faced since my first bout with pornography at 19.
Many gay or SSA folks experience a delayed or second adolescence in adulthood after keeping our sexuality secret in our first adolescence when we unconsciously adapted to the heteronormative culture around us. When we finally do find safe masculine circles, whether within YOB or elsewhere, conversational topics like sex or masturbation, or shared male experiences like nudity and cuddling hold great appeal – if not laced with some of that adolescent immaturity or a tinge (or bucketload) of obsession.
I just have a longing to be accepted, seen as a man among men. To feel like one of the guys. Yes, I've experienced those feelings with fellow "Side B" friends, but sometimes it only feels like one side of the coin.
My nudist desires have never been entirely sexual. I've long known that it comes from a deep desire for intimacy. To be known fully as a man by other men.
I've never much desired sexual intercourse with men. Throughout my life, however, my erotic thoughts and desires have centered almost entirely on nudity.
I love attending my church and uphold them to the highest regard. Unfortunately, I was hurt by my church -- and this is my story.
I saw that this love actually motivated Jesus to die for me. It was like the Sun rose and took away all my darkness and emotional pain.
I can remember a time before sex. I wish I could forget everything about sex so I could relearn sex properly.
I will be reminded of this brokenness every time we are forced to gather. I hate this brokenness. For it is in this brokenness that my SSA came to be.